Happy Christmas

I am writing this sitting in the heat beneath a thatched roof in Botswana, having just wrapped my Christmas presents. Surreal juxtaposition. Realised I forgot to mention the blog holiday (am planning to stay offline til the second week in January) or to explain the sorry lack of a Strictly Final post (wrote up the whole thing and then the computer wouldn't let me save or publish. I was delighted with the Kartem victory though.) Anyway, that's all. Not really worth mentioning, but I didn't want anybody worrying that I'd been hit by a bus. (I have not been hit by a bus, unless I get hit by a bus after writing this, which would be ironic.)

Happy Christmas to all and see you in the new year.

Strictlywatch 2010: Semi Final Strictsravaganza Part Two!

For part two, we have guest judges: bro, sister-in-law (henceforth 'sil') and mum. Mum's very first comment is "I like her dress." Of Tess. Tonight will be very different.

The couples come down the stairs. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. SCOTT IS DRESSED AS A SAILOR. Bro changes allegiance immediately, but swaps straight back when he sees Kara. I am not alone on Team Kartem. We may have slightly different reasons for supporting them, though.

First up, is Scott. Scott who is dressed as a sailor. My brother has already given him an extra point.

They dance a Charleston to Anything Goes. 'Disaster' says my bro. 'Rather nice' says my mum. This follows the pattern of Scott and Natalie's recent dances whereby Natalie works her arse off and Scott... doesn't. It's not playful. Natalie doesn't do playful. She does intensely competitive stripper. That doesn't exactly scream 'Charleston'.

Judges love. We are baffled.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9, Bro 6, sil 7, Mum 7 (on the basis that 'at some points he was just standing there doing nothing') and 6 from me.

Next up Kara and Artem. They are going to be doing a rumba. A rumba. Yes. I suppose it had to happen. I will be very interested to see if Kara and Artem's magic touch can do ANYTHING with a rumba. Earlier, both my mother and my brother have demonstrated rumbas to me. Alas, I did not film the results. You will have to imagine. My brother's was more hip-based. My mother's more, ah, gyratory. My mother, I might add, has never watched Strictly before.

It's stunning. Stench of cheese about the whole thing, of course, but what can they do: it is a rumba. (Although, my mother: 'to me, that is not a rumba'. No explanation forthcoming.) Drowning the whole thing in dry ice is the ballroom dancing equivalent of studding it with maroschino cherries. Kartem can do no wrong - oh, except - Kara lifts her feet off the floor for a split-second: 9 from Craig.

Judges love. Craig mentions the "lift".

Scores: 9 (boos), 10, 10, 10, and 10s from us all, because we are SANE.

Bruce's next link ("My impression of a duck" - and then ducks) is described by sil as like something my younger niece would say. My younger niece is 7.

Now for Matt and Aliona. Can they redeem themselves after last night's horror?

YES THEY CAN. It is BRILLIANT. This is EXACTLY what we want from Matt. Sexy Matt is back! Even my bro fancies him (a bit). Sil says it's her best dance of the night. Matt has grown stubble! And is doing tango faces! I even like the choreography! For one hideous moment I think that Aliona ("Jaffa lady" - bro) is wearing the CULOTTES OF DOOM but bro points out that it's a staticky dress. Phew! But now I am imagining Aliona getting electric shocks all the way through the dance. Perhaps Matt has bribed wardrobe.

Judges keep making military references. Bruno calls him a South American dictator. Yes, but in a HOT way. (Also, could we get a South American dictator for next season? Would make a diverting change, and not such a huge leap from Widdy.)

Scores: 9, 10, 10, 9, bro 10, mum 10 (even though Madonna's 'Hung Up' is "not tango music"), sil 10 and me 10

Next up Gavin and Katya. "The Welsh Tintin," says Bro.

It's a V-Wal. We are mainly mesmerised by Katya's dress - the "tent" (mum) - the "shuttlecock" (bro.) Meanwhile, Gavin is stiff.

Craig dislikes. Katya answers back - she's the female James Jordan, says bro. This seems harsh. Len likes, but Len always likes the male sportsman. I imagine him spending sweaty, furtive nights alone with the Sun sport pull-out. I imagine this so that you don't have to.

Scores: 6, 9 ("OH COME ON LEN YOU GIT" - bro), 8, 8, 7 from bro, 6 from me, 7, from mum ("it didn't do anything for me - nothing exceptional in any way" - my mum is a better judge than Len), 6 from sil. Tess refers to Gavin as "A Welsh Dragon" - DRINK!

Last up, Pamela and James. Mum: "She looks older than 61." I wish my mum watched Strictly more often.

It's a quickstep - yay! - to Stepping Out. They start in matching top hats and tails, and then - double yay! - Pam rips off her jacket and unrolls a skirt made from purple streamers. Cheers all round. Dance-wise, my mother loves it. My bro is torn. It's great but it doesn't quite set him alight. We all dig the tap section but we're not sure whether the actual tap noises are just sound effects from Dave Arch, the singers and his wonderful orchestra.

Judges rave. Alesha says that Pamela is a winner, which sil points out is a rare foray into words she hasn't used before.

Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 - 10 from mum ("I'll give her a 10 for being a granny as well"), 10 from sil, and 9s from bro and me.

We all agree that Gavin is going. Scott should be the other, but we fear for Matt.

Now it's all over - five members of Take That = one fat lady singing.


[Bro here - Sis getting rather excitable about Robbie W's audience participation. THANK YOU MANCHESTER!]

Strictlywatch 2010: Semi Final Strictstravagganza Part One!

Some people might say that reviewing the Strictlymatic Semi Final Extravaganza Part One featuring The Swingathon TM when I have just come in from a night of mulled wine, carols and Bavarian beerhall madness is an act of reckless foolishness. To these people I say: YOU HAVE NO VISION.

Let's launch straight in, shall we?

Pamela and James are first on the floor. Literally, it seems, judging by the VT, in which Pamela spends the majority of the time sprawled on the ground.

They are dancing a Paso Doble to Bad Romance - genius song choice. Pamela's dress, and I want to capture this precisely, is a combination of satanic prostitute, medieval barmaid, and mock Tudor semi-detached house. I like the dance a lot. It's one of the campest I've ever seen, and their Paso faces are priceless. Gaga ooh la la!

Len loves. Alesha adores. Bruno's bonkers. Craig complains.

Scores: 8, 9 ,9, 9 and 9 from me.

Next up are Kara and Artem. The dances they've been given for this crucial semi-final stage are the Rumba and the Viennese Waltz. My most hated dance and my most boring one. Poor Kartem. Still, Viennese Waltzes do tend to get the tens out of the judges.

They're doing the Viennese Waltz (or V-Wal, as it's known in the Hip Hop community) tonight, to Stop. It is, you will not be remotely surprised to hear, exquisite, because Artem could make a boy scout tap dancing on a phone book interesting, and Kara could make trudging through mud in wellington boots elegant. There's a fair bit out of hold, and a spin at the end that verges on a lift, so I wonder if Len is going to have another one of his hissy fits. Let's see, shall we?

Oh it's Craig who has the hissy, about the spin / lift - spift? Len is *nuts* about it.

Sores: 9, 10, 10, 10 and 10 from me, spift be damned.

And now it's time for Gavin and Katya. In the VT, Gavin describes himself as 'just on the outside of the top four', in the same way that I am just on the outside of the Booker longlist.

They are doing the samba, to Bamboleo. Katya - dressed as Carmen Miranda crossed with a shower curtain - dances brilliantly, with fabulous samba faces, flamenco touches, and an astonishing lift / jump - lump? No, jift - at the end. Alas, Katya is not being judged tonight. Gavin is. And Gavin is not good. Walky walky walky, bum to the left, bum to the right. Wales: just leave him be.

Is there a dance that Len has not claimed to be the hardest for a male dancer? It's the turn of the samba tonight.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 and I think I will give a 7 - after all the bum did go to the left, and to the right.

Now for Scott and Natalie. In the VT, Natalie claims that Scott is the best partner she has ever danced with. Nobody tell Ricky Whittle. At this crucial semi-final stage, *they* have been given the Charleston and the Argentine Tango, maybe the two most entertaining dances there are. I think Kartem should have a word with the producers.

Tonight is the turn of the Argentine Tango. Scott is wearing a hat for the occasion. The way he puts the hat on is the highlight of the routine, which is heavily lift-reliant. Like last week, Scott's contribution is good enough, but Natalie does the bulk of the dancing. Scott is not the best partner she has ever danced with.

Craig says he loved it, and proceeds to rip it to shreds. His comment about Scott failing to lead is spot-on.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 and 8 from me.

Lastly, Matt and Aliona. Matt appears to think his naked desperation to win is endearing. It isn't. I can't wait to see him knocking out all his opponents in the swingathon, though. Let the breaking of bones commence!

But first, the salsa. Which may be my least favourite of Matt's dances, as it turns out. Lots of basic steps, and lots of feeling up of Aliona's torso. Ugh.

Len's with me. Alesha's with me. Bruno's with me. And Craig's with me. Bruno mentions that the salsa needs flirting, which may explain why these two are so dismal at it.

In interview with Tess, Matt is thoroughly depressed and monosyllabic. Which makes me like him again. What can I tell you, I'm perverse.

Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7 and 8 from me. I really should have given Gavin a 6.

AND NOW AT LONG LAST, THE SWINGATHON!!!!!!!!!!

I am PROPERLY excited about this. A brief explanation: they all swing dance at the same time, the judges send the couples off one by one, the last (wo)man standing is the winner, and it's a brilliant opportunity for truly competitive couples to "accidentally" stamp on their opponents' ankles. We want to see lifts, we want to see tricks, says Len. I want to see violence. BRING IT.

Um. It's pretty good. You can't see anything, basically. Mass couple dancing = not designed for television. Ah well. Also, NOBODY hits ANYBODY. Pfft. I recommend hiring 'Grease' and watching 'Born to Hand Jive' instead.

Judges' elimnations, from sinner to winner: Gavin, Scott, Pamela, Matt, Kara.

I'm exhausted. Just as well there isn't another day of this tomorrow. What's that? THERE IS?

Bleedin' 'eck. I'd better go to bed.

Strictlywatch 2010: Movie Special

In honour of the STRICTLY COME DANCING MOVIE SPECIAL, Tess has chosen to dress as an Oscar. I have chosen to dress in a dressing gown and turn over some new leaves. Leaf number one: no fast forwarding. Yes, I am doing the full Bruce. Leaf number two: I am saying goodbye to grumpy judge and hello to nice judge. I could pretend this is because I'm a decent human being, but actually it's because I watched ITT on Friday and I already know that this show is going to be a corker. A corker! Let's go!

First up are Scott and Natalie. Last week, Scott totally forgot what he was doing and was punished by getting two nines from Alesha and Bruno.

This week is better. I'm no fan of the Paso, which is just the rumba with horns, and I always undermark. They dance to the James Bond theme, though, which should counteract this, as it is a track which is always guaranteed to get me speeding if I listen to it in the car. Ba ba dum! Ba ba ba dumpity dum dum! I'm going to have a Len-style mind-melt! Natalie is dressed in an Ursula Andress white bikini, with a train, which Ursula never thought of - I should establish that my train I mean an open skirt thingy, rather than an actual train, which I wouldn't put past the Strictly wardrobe. And speaking of wardrobe, it's shirt off time for Scott! They must really want the votes. The dancing is - good, really. Yeah. I'd say good.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 - so apparently Alesha and Bruno think that this was equal to last week. 8 from me.

Next it's Ann and Anton, who are consistently being put second in the hope that it's the least showy slot of the night and people might forget to vote for them. Fat chance. She is also in culottes, the costume of death. Everyone goes out in trews. Here's what Stephanie had to say about that in the Blackpool week comments: "Felicity was wearing palazzo pants this week. Tina was in sparkly leggings the week she went. And Flavia wore trousers the week Jimi went. Clearly the viewing public does not approve of ladies dancing in trousers." And yet: fat, fat chance.

Ann has stooped to learning the routine this week, which makes a nice change.

Bruno: "A Dalek in drag." Then adds: "It's different, it's never been seen before." Steven Moffat, pay attention.

Scores: 2, 5, 4, 3 and 4 from me. There was actual dancing. This must be recognised.

Now it's Matt and Aliona. The veneer of niceness has really been chipped off Matt of late, revealing the angry, salivating competitive beast within. I don't fancy him any more, but I'm finding it terrifically entertaining. I wouldn't be at all surprised next week if he went the full Tonya Harding and smashed Scott's knees with a sledgehammer.

They dance a jive to Soul Bossa Nova aka the Austin Powers theme. It starts amazingly with a backflip off the judges' desk - perfect landing, Matt! - and some great Austin-y character moves. Matt as Austin Powers is super-cute in his velvet suit and geeky specs. So let's see if Aliona - dressed as Geri Haliwell, naturally - can ruin it. Like Barack Obama, YES SHE CAN! The planted-foot, arm-moving bit is nutso. Jive means move your feet! In some language I speak and you don't.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 and 9 from me.

The next couple, Pamela and James, in a moment of purest VT genius, recreate the pottery moment from Ghost. This is James's season. It will never be better than this for him. You're likeable, James! Savour the moment.

They dance a lovely, romantic Viennese Waltz to Unchained Melody, which is only enhanced by a ludicrous finale featuring James Jordan, as the ghost in question, ascending the stairway to heaven and leaving poor Pamela behind. Ah James, leaving no cheese unturned.

Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10. Which makes me feel very sheepish about raining on the parade with my 9. Maybe just drizzling on the parade.

Next is Gavin and Katya. I don't think I've been giving Katya enough props for being completely hilarious in the face of the Gavinsanity. In fact I might be in love with Katya. I was last year, when she partnered Phil Tufnell. I wish she'd partnered Matt. I might still want to shag him if she had, instead of my main Strictly crush now consisting of the kind of Head Girl fantasies I last experienced at the age of 11 over our actual head girl who I think ended up being in a terrible island-based movie with Kelly Brook. Anyway, moving along.

The theme is Blues Brothers - most excellent song choice of Minnie the Moocher - and Katya is dancing in menswear. Sexy menswear. Backless menswear. Can we take the opportunity to show how not to do sexy, backless menswear? Again, let's evoke Barack Obama: yes we can!



Oh Celine.

Anyway, the dance is pretty good. Which is the equivalent of excellent for Gavin.

Scores: 7, 9, 9, 8 and 7 from me. I'm not sure what 9s mean these days. They are being handed out like sweets at the moment.

Now it's time for Kara and Artem. They are dancing a tango! BRING IT ON! To the tango version of Roxanne from Moulin Rouge! BRIIIING IIIIIT OOOOOOOON!!! But first, Artem is quizzed about his feelings for Kara, and - what's this? - "I'm confirming the rumours." EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Oh Strictly, this is SO kicking the arse of last week.

This tango is one of the best dances I have EVER seen on Strictly. And easily the best tango. Artem's choreography is astounding. While we're doing bests, he's got to be the best choreographer they've ever had. It's incredible. Gorgeous, sexy, wonderful. And other words like that, go ahead and pick your own. KARTEM FOR THE WIN!!! Also, when I go on Strictly, I am TOTALLY dancing with Artem. Please don't tell me he's five inches shorter than me. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

9, 9, 10, 10 - COME ON, Craig and Len. What do you want, blood? 10 from me, obvs.

And that's all! God, it goes fast when there's only six of them left. And you know what? I reckon it could be a shock exit for Matt. Katya was in trousers though. That's a risky move. The curse of Stephanie may be upon her.

We'll have to wait til tomorrow to find out. You know what to do in the meantime: keeeeeep dancing!

UPDATE: WIDDY OUT!!!!!!!!! It must have been the culottes. Excellent work, Stephanie.

Strictlywatch 2010: Post-Blackpool hangover

ladangentitiforstricodaanheryourhobruforandteda -

Sorry, what was that? Oh, I'm just giving you the real experience of watching pre-recorded Strictly round my gaff on a Sunday evening. In other words, in fast forward.

Which means it's straight into dance one, with Kara and Artem. They're jiving! Are you excited? I'm excited! Well, I would be if I wasn't still sick as a bag of parrots, but I can imagine being excited, and that kind of mental leap, people, is why I am paid the big author bucks. Artem would be excited too, if he didn't have a broken neck and tonsillitis. In the background of the VT they are playing 'Tainted Love.' In case you missed it: they are in love, and Artem is tainted.

Now, I am most definitely on team Kartem, but while this is characteristically nifty, with some lovely choreography from poor, disease-ridden Artem, I actually think Kara is a bit too elegant for the jive. It's less Rockin' Robin and more Rockin' Swan Lake.

Len enthuses. Alesha - DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT IS ALESHA WEARING? It's a frou-frou one-shouldered rose-pink bridesmaid's gown, accessorised with earrings in the shape of mirror balls and a matching ring. Oh honey, don't wear the set. On ITT this week, they did a judges' greatest moments section. Alesha's greatest moments consisted of saying "your best dance" and "well done". Never mind though, there is always Bruno, who steps up to the plate with "Kara von Teese, the sexy jiving peanut." Love you Bruno, love your work.

Scores: 7, 9, 9, 9 and 8 from me.

Next Ann and Anton. In the VT, Ann says that she is in it to win it. It sounds like a threat.

Oh Christ, it's a rumba. With a Titanic theme. To My Heart Will Go On.

Which is actually the best I can say for it, because Ann does almost nothing in this dance. I get that it's hilARious to watch a fat angry Tory ballroom dance, but I reckon any average human being could learn Ann's part in about twenty minutes. If she's going to be in it to win it, she could try doing something, instead of relying on the novelty factor and Anton.

Scores: 1, 5, 5, 3 and 1 from me.

Now it's Patsy and Robin. Robin looks a bit like a squished Artem, and has chosen to confuse us further by wearing a hat. HATS ARE ARTEM'S THING, ROBIN. GET YOUR OWN THING. Gloves, perhaps. Much of the VT is taken by Patsy remarking on Len's comment last week that "You got off on the wrong trotter". 'They love comparing me to animals,' says Patsy. Hmmm. Not *all* animals.

Their dance is an Argentine Tango. Patsy is dressed as the Angel of Death, and has an injured foot. It looks like exactly the kind of dance you might choreograph for someone with an injured foot. Will-anybody-notice-if-I-just-sort-of-carry-her-around-a-bit. Yes, Robin. I will notice.

(And rather late in the day, we take a moment to thank our fabulous singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Bruno complains about the lack of spunk. I see the opportunity for a joke, but let it pass.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 7 and 6 from me.

Next up, Scott and Natalie. In the VT, Scott makes a bid for popularity by whingeing about his scores, saying that he's working two jobs and that he's "jaded". He then says "when I'm very tired, I like to mess about, and certain characters come out." He's the Incredible Hulk with narcolepsy. You won't like him when he's sleepy.

And guess what? I don't like him when he's sleepy. He forgets half the dance. At one point Natalie has to pull him around by the neck. If only it was a comedy moment in a Charleston. Alas, it's an American Smooth.

Scores: 6, 7, 9, 9 and 6 from me. The 9s are insane.

There now follows a VT interlude based on The Magnificent Seven where all the contestants wear cowboy hats and stand in a fake Wild West backdrop talking in terrible American accents about being still in the competition. It is just plain horrible. Ann's cowboy hat is tiger-print. Remind me, how many of the Magnificent Seven ended up getting shot?

I'm really not enjoying Strictly tonight, I've got to be honest with you. And it's Gavin and Katya next. All the way through the VT, all Gavin can talk about is how much he's hating the dance. Let me tell you, my hopes are not up. No. They are down.

It's more comedy choreography from Katya, the main problem being that Katya isn't very funny. The joke is that they are on a film set, and that Gavin is wearing glasses and green tartan golfing trousers. No? Me neither. It starts badly and it ends badly, but there is a sudden and desperately surprising good bit in the middle. I only wish someone was watching with me and could confirm that it really happened.

Len compares the dance to wearing an angora beret. Craig compares it to Ann Widdecombe. THE KNIVES ARE OUT.

Scores: 3, 6, 7, 6 and 5 from me. Tess refers to Gavin as 'boyo'. Oh Tess. I know it's in your contract that you have to mention Gavin being Welsh every week, but I think it's probably best to stay clear of words that are officially classed as insults under the race relations act.

Next it's Matt and Aliona. Rescue me, Matt. In the VT, Matt says, "There's no doubt about it, Aliona and I are a great team, to be honest." Thus I conclude that he HATES her. Aliona says "Our secret is that we understand each other very well without talking to each other." Yup. She hates him back. Much as I love watching Matt and Aliona dance, there is a little part of me - well, a medium sized part of me - oh OK, I basically am dying to see them crack and start trying to kill each other on the dancefloor. First Matt would pull her by her My Little Pony pink hair. Then Aliona would gouge her talons down his happy farmer face. Come on, admit it, it would be AMAZING.

Instead they perform an American Smooth. (I can't help but notice that the producers - the same producers that make Scott look like an arrogant, self-satisfied cock in the VT each week - are also giving him the same dance as Matt each week, as if to say to the audience, "Look at these two identical dances, and see how much better one of them is." Who did Scott shag and never call back?) It's clearly been designed to be incredibly romantic - flowing garments, glorious lifts, do I detect rumba-influence choreography? - and yet the whole thing is immeasurably improved for me by imagining the two of them spending the entire dance thinking about how much they loathe each other and devising elaborate revenge scenarios in the manner of Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas in War of the Roses. "When I watch you eat, when I see you asleep, when I look at you lately, I just wanna smash your face in."

Alesha says that she's disappointed, because she didn't feel relaxed watching it, and Matt's face looked "tense". I have to agree, if by "tense" she means "you looked like you wanted to bite off one of Aliona's ears". Bruno genuinely mentions the words "American Psycho" and "murder". Apparently, I am not alone.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 and 9 from me, though I'd have given another point for bloodshed. Tell you what, I have massively perked up.

Lastly, Pamela and James doing a Charleston. Yay! Best moment of the VT involves Pamela stuck hanging upside down by the microphone cable from James's arse. I am nothing if not a woman of sophisticated tastes.

They are dancing to Let's Misbehave and the theme of the dance is two teachers sneaking away for sexy time. It's lots of fun and full of charm, and yet the word that springs immediately to my mind is "gallumphing". I'm not sure that's a great ballroom dancing word.

Judges in ecstasies.

Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 and 9 from me.

Results? Patsy and Gavin bottom two, Patsy out.

Strictlywatch: Blackpool Special

It's Vegas, baby! Vegas! And not just any Vegas! The Vegas of Las! VIVA LAS VEGAS!!! Viva, viva Las -

Oh, OK it's Blackpool. But there isn't a song that goes Viva Las Blackpool, so the Strictly pros are doing an Elvis-themed fan dance to Viva Las Vegas because nothing says Blackpool like Vegas! Look at everything Vegas and Blackpool have got in common: strippers, trannies, tat. Um. And other things. But anyway: it's Strictly Come Dancing Blackpool week and I have been instructed that this is exciting so WELCOME TO VEGAS, I MEAN BLACKPOOL BABY! BLACKPOOL!

For the occasion, Tess has chosen to wear a red satin jumpsuit which is the scarlet twin to a black item I had when I was 16, in 1992. Thus in kindness to my 16-year-old self I must withhold judgement, but I will say that I might not have persuaded my mother to purchase said item for me if I knew that onlookers would be quite so mesmerised by my crotch. As my friend Karen*, in whose home I am watching tonight's Strictly, says: "It's like it's been airbrushed". Poor Tess: either she's not going to get to sit down all night or she has a team of lackeys just off-camera waiting to iron her groin.

(*A note: Karen has recently moved and does not have internet, so I am writing this after the event.)

First on the floor are Patsy and Robin. I am going to stop calling Patsy the black horse of this competition as patently she isn't. Patsy is not only not very good, she also always has eyeliner applied at a downwards angle, so that she looks perpetually disappointed. No self-respecting horse of any colour would allow that. In Patsy and Robin's VT, we get the Vegas, I mean Blackpool, theme up and running with the addition of showgirls to the training room. Karen and I look closely. They are not trannies.

For the dance itself (a samba to 'Copacabana' because nothing says Blackpool like etc) Patsy is wearing a dress that looks like it is made entirely of off-cuts, and dances a dance which ditto, inspiring judges comments which also.

Scores: 6, 7, 8, 7, 6 from me and 7 from Karen. Already Alesha has shown herself to be nuts. Patsy responds to the criticism in manner of drunk barmaid being dragged off a table. I am slightly afraid.

Next up it's Kara and Artem. The VT is very emotional because Kara has knackered Artem's shoulder in training - definitely in training, nowhere else - and he is being terribly brave, and Kara is crying, and he is going to do the dance anyway, and oh my god. It's like a First World War movie. At this point I must admit that I was wrong all along about Kara and Artem: they are actually and most definitely a completely adorable loved up couple of love. It is easier for me to admit this than it might be because I have utterly transfered my allegiance to team Kartem. Favourite contestants in years. KARTEM FOR THE WIN.

So it will come as no surprise to you that I adore their American Smooth. Imagine an American Smooth as the opening sequence to a Bond movie, minus the naked ladies coming out of guns waving their arms up and down in silhouette. And danced by two people who are completely in love and unbelievably talented and one of them has a duff shoulder of doom but is being brave and lifting the other one up onto it like a bird, a BIRD. Karen and I immediately rewind it and watch it again.

Alesha loves. Bruno loves. Craig loves. Len HATES. Bleats on about it not being a foxtrot, how can he judge something that is meant to be a foxtrot and isn't a foxtrot. I am reminded of the opening sequence of Strictly Ballroom, when the lead bloke, who I want to be Ralph Macchio but isn't, dances his own steps and causes SCANDAL. In a moment Tina Sparkle is going to come on. That would be BRILLIANT.

Scores: 9, 6, 10, 10. Len has given this dance the same score he gave Ann and Anton last week, where Ann plodded around like she was wearing concrete boots. Karen and I both give 10s.

Moving on to Matt and Aliona. Something has gone wrong for Team Matt. They should be the favourites, and I should love this. It's a samba, and they do a considerable amount of it facing Dave Arch, his singers and his wonderful orchestra, so I have a perfect view of his bum wiggling, and it is quite the wiggle to watch. Matt is a terrific dancer and he is totally hot. And yet, when Matt does a sequence of backflips at the end of the dance, it reminds me of nothing other than the slightly desperate act of the man who only goes down on you because he's scared you're going to dump him.

According to Len, there's no point putting in backflips just because Matt can do them - "I was at school with a boy who could fart God Save the Queen, but it's got nothing to do with the salsa." Two questions immediately interpose themselves: why is Len in such a foul mood this week, and was he really at school with a boy who could fart God Save the Queen?

Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 and 9s from both Karen and me.

Now for Felicity and Vincent. Felicity has given up completely and walks her way through her American Smooth. Poor Felicity, from thinking man's crumpet to being outclassed on the dancefloor by someone who is considered to be unsexy even by the standards of Tory MPs. "Lacklustre" says Karen, and I have to agree.

Len, naturally, loves it. If you were playing the "Len has lost his mind" drinking game, by now you'd be too drunk to see the screen.

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 8, and Karen and I give 6s. We are hard.

It's just going from bad to worse because next up it is Gavin and Katya. Why is he still here? *Whimpers* Jimi... Jimiiiiii.... please come baaaack! I quote my notes verbatim: "Hat. Tom Jones. Microphone. No."

Len calls it excellent.

Scores: 4, 7, 8, 8. I give it a 6, and Karen is so bored that she is unable to score it, but confesses to a 7 under pressure.

Next up it's Ssscott and Natalie - but WAIT!! A SPECIAL TREAT FOR US ALL FIRST!!! BRUCE IS DANCING!!!!

What's that? We rewound Kara and Artem's dance at the beginning of the episode, which means we have exactly the right amount of video so that we can fastforward all the way through this abomination of tap? *Dodges bullet*

As I was saying, next up, it's Ssscott and Natalie. Ssscott does not look well. Specifically, he looks like a lizard with giant ears. They are dancing a samba, which is good, and yet somehow not.

I am not feeling eloquent, so it's over to Bruce for his verdict: "This is Blackpool," says Bruce. Thank you for that insight.

You know what's happened? It's that time in the series, when it's been going on for far too long but you're nowhere near the climax. Like that feeling of exhausted misery you get six hours into a fourteen hour flight. You've already been going for what feels like the very limit of your tolerance, and yet somehow there is still forever til you land. Yes, that's it, only in a tinsel bikini.

Meanwhile, the judges have given 6, 8, 9 and 9, and Karen and I volunteer 8s.

Confession time: my notes for Pamela and James read: "Wasn't fully paying attention, but seemed good enough." I can't even remember what dance they were doing. 8, 9, 10, 10. 10 and 10???? Karen and I give 8s, but on the basis of what, I can't be certain.

Last up are Ann and Anton. My resistance is low. They are dancing a samba. I may not survive. I am briefly roused by a moment in VT where Ann refuses to do samba rolls because they are a "most improper" move.

And then they come out on stage.

OH MY GOD. Ann is dressed as Big Bird's busty aunt. And Anton is in trousers that - trousers which are - OH LORD, MY EYES, MY EYES.

They are gold, anyway.

The dance is awful. I know I've been having a sense of humour failure for the last hour or so, but Ann really doesn't do anything for most of the dance, which does lead me to wonder why exactly it is that she can't learn a basic routine, given that she is not in any way mentally or physically disabled. Then, towards the end, Anton grabs her and starts throwing her around in a way that goes beyond funny into completely undignified - think giving an obese child an 'aeroplane' - and ends with Ann on the floor with her skirt above her head, flashing her drawers to the world. All this in canary yellow. I mean no. NO. Just - NO.

Scores: 1, 5, 4, 3. Karen gives it a 4 and I give it a 1.

And that's it. I am barely standing. Et tu, Blackpool.

(This week's knock-out: Felicity and Vincent.)

Mistakes

I am at home.

My computer is at work.

Blogging on a phone is a tiny-keyboarded nightmare.

Do I renounce all claims to true writership if I can't be arsed to write like this? I mean, I know that writers are supposed to say 'if I can't write I'll die' but is one permitted to add the caveat 'except if I have to write using only my thumbs, on keys a quarter of the size of the nail on my little finger'?

Strictlywatch will return with my reunion with a full-sized keyboard.

Strictlywatch 2010: the week before Blackpool

OK, this isn't good. While I was away reveling in revelry - hmm, wonder why I chose those words, Mr Horwood? - my PVR was playing up so it didn't record Strictly. Which means that I will be trying to watch it and blog about it on the same tiny laptop at the same time, and even worse, as I recall it, iPlayer frowns upon the use of fastforward (why BBC? Why must I watch every minute of your output? I pay you, not the other way around. Why must you keep me in these shackles?) which means that There Will Be Bruce. I predict a return for Grumpy Judge. But let's see.

Mutter mutter mutter, intro intro intro. Has Tess got her hair up or is that a new do? She does look even more frozen behind the eyes than usual - the look of terror which traditionally accompanies a risky new haircut. Suddenly it is announced that next week they are in Blackpool - they have kept this very quiet, after last year's GET CRAIG TO BLACKPOOL (and leave him there) extravaganza. The look of fear is explained: just Tess's natural Northern panic at having to hear Brucie's comedy Blackpool accent.

Anyway, first on the floor are Pamela and James. They are both wearing pinstripe men's suits and bowler hats. Either he is going to rip hers off a la Bucks Fizz to reveal a tiny dress underneath, or they are doing a tribute to Morecombe and Wise. Maybe a rendition of the breakfast dance?



I would LOVE to see that. Damn it. Now whatever they come up with will be a disappointment.

In the VT, James and Pamela go to Scotland. But of course! That Scots block vote has gone to waste this year, and Pam is Mrs Billy Connelly after all. Pam and Bill's house contains severe crimes against tartan. Oh Pam. Oh Bill. Jokes should be amusing. Upholstery, less so.

They are dancing a cha cha cha to 'Money (That's What I Want)'. He rips her suit off to reveal a tiny dress beneath. So, not Morecombe and Wise then.

Judges cautiously praising. Bruce demands more hanky panky.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8, and a 7 from me. No grapefruit. No cleavers. No point.

Next up Michelle and Brendan. Michelle is celebrating being still in the competition by wearing a bright red bra under a white lace dress. According to the VT, together, Michelle and Brendan are celebrating still being dance partners by shouting at each other a lot. Ah bless, it's just like a marriage.

They're doing a Paso to 'American Woman'. I am totally distracted by Michelle doing some kind of chomping all the way through. Either she is chanting motivational slogans to herself or she's gone way too far into character as the bull and is chewing the cud.

As we take a moment to thanks our fabulous singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra, I can't help but notice that Michelle looks FURIOUS.

Before the judges comment, Michelle announces that whatever they're about to say, she agrees. Someone should let her face know.

Scores: 4, 7, 7, 6 and a 6 from me.

Now it's Patsy and Robin. Dark Horse! Come on! The dark horse! Yes? Am I right? Am I? This week? So I can stop saying it?

In Bruce's intro, he mentions Patsy's weight loss again, and makes a joke about Christopher Biggins being fat and camp. RETURN TO ME MY FASTFORWARD BUTTON, OH PLEASE, RETURN TO ME.

They are doing a Viennese Waltz. Well, I suppose somebody has to. For this dance, Patsy is dressed all in black, and wearing a horse's head. Oh OK, she's in a pale pink 1960s nightgown. It's pretty. I mean the dance. Patsy puts a lot of work into her facial expressions and I suspect she has been preparing for this by watching Hopelessly Devoted To You, over and over and over.



Judges positive. Horse references nil.

Scores: 7, 9, 8, 8 and a 7 from me. Len has lost his mind! Drink!

Now it's Gavin and Katya. Never mind the lack of horse references, someone will call him a Welsh dragon. It's their turn to wheel out the babies in VT. Vote for Gavin! He has babies! (Also, and it's possible you might not know this: he's Welsh.) Gavin's daughter is a better dancer than he is. She is 2.

They are dancing a quickstep. It starts with Gavin snogging Bruno. Yes. It actually does. Interesting that that's acceptable but snogging Alesha wouldn't be. I need to park that, to think about why later. The theme of the dance is Katya Teaches Gavin To Dance so it is full of "mistakes". It is also full of gimmicks. It is not full of quickstep. I hate it.

Judges enthusiastic. Bruno suggests they do it again. Alas, no dance off this year, Bruno.

Katya and Gavin repair upstairs to Tess's lair, where Gavin reveals that his Strictly dream is - yes! - getting to Blackpool. Careful, Gavin. We all know what happens to people who dream that.

Scores: 7, 8, 9, 9. This is madness. Even putting aside the fact that I hated it, Gavin got out of time repeatedly. Are we expected to believe that this is as good as Kara's salsa last week? It isn't. But fear not, grumpy judge is here with her trusty 6.

In her link, Tess calls Gavin a Welsh dragon. Drink!

Now for Ann and Anton. If we can be serious for a moment, in the comments last week Pedro wrote: "I know I probably ought to grow up and Let It Go, but I'm afraid I cannot kick-start my sense of humour when Ann Widdecombe takes to the floor (or chair). All I see is the ugly face of opposition to abortion and gay rights / equality. Isn't there a grotesque irony that she's parading around on one of the campest TV shows ever conceived, surrounded by gay people whose lives she's dedicated a good portion of her life to trying to denigrate and marginalise." I agree with all of that, and feel rather sheepish having got carried away in the Ann-based hilarity. Seeing as she is nevertheless in the show and I am reviewing it, I guess the way I will approach this is to focus my attention on Anton, whose doing all the heavy lifting anyway (literally and metaphorically) - how is he dealing with the task of making a silk purse from a sow's ear?

In the intro, Bruce mentions Eric Morecombe! We are psychic! With a 24 hour and 10 minute delay.

They are dancing the Foxtrot to You Make Me Feel So Young. Fair play to Anton, he keeps it gimmick-free until the very end, which is a brave move, but also a clever one, as Ann does get a lot of the steps right, and with nothing to distract from them, it makes it look like there has been a massive improvement, which I don't think there has been.

Judges mixed. Len, basically, abstains. It'll be interesting to see what abstaining looks like in the form of a score.

Scores: 3, 6, 6, 5 and a 4 from me. Apparently abstaining is a 6, so, if you really suck, it's worth getting Len to back out of judging you.

Watching the bit of VT about Blackpool that comes after this, it occurs to me that maybe they have been bigging up Blackpool week for ages, except I usually fastforward all of Bruce's bits and all of Tess's interviews. For all I know, there has been talk of nothing else for WEEKS.

Back to business - it's Kara and Artem. Kara is wearing a trilby. I approve. The Chuckle Brothers are in the VT. I don't approve.

They are dancing an Argentine tango, which I am quite excited about. Hang on - have I defected to Team Kara?

Apparently so. It is magnifico. There's a whole lot of business at the start with Kara being sexy with a hat stand before she gives the trilby to Artem - of course she does, hats are his thing, remember - and then it gets proper good with the intensity and the flicky legs and the rest of it. If this doesn't get at least one 10 I'll eat Artem's hat. (I don't really need to worry about that, because it's getting a 10 from me.) I wonder if hats will be Artem's thing every series or if he will develop a new thing next year? Spats perhaps, or wigs?

Look at this, says Bruce pointing at the standing ovation. Kara, look! Artem, look! Well, yes, Bruce, but the audience gives a standing ovation to every dance.

Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 and 10 from me. Craig doesn't give 10s lightly so that's fine, and Alesha and Bruno have to go to 10s after giving Gavin 9s, but this means Len thinks it was on a par with Patsy. Len has lost his mind! Again! Drink!

Now it's Felicity and Vincent. I had forgotten Felicity was in it. Not a good sign. They bring in four of her grandchildren to judge her in the VT, and although they all loyally give 10s, you can see from the comments that something isn't right. "Maybe if he carried her around or something?" suggests one. That's never a good note.

They are dancing a salsa to All Night Long which is an unfortunate choice, because Felicity does not lose herself in wild romance. I think she has looked into the face of being the third-least-popular woman over 60 in this series of Strictly and given up.

Judges not happy. Craig calls it a minor disaster. Which is actually fairly kind.

Scores: 5, 7, 7, 7 and 5 from me.

Next, Matt and Aliona. It's a rumba. Oh dear. In the VT, he says, "We're throwing everything at this." Oh DEAR.

Well. It's a rumba. Let's move on.

Judges positive, with qualifications from Craig and Len. They should have retired the rumba after Rachel Stevens did a good one and proved that it was possible.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 and 7 from me, though I am not to be relied upon in this dance.

Last dance tonight comes from Sssscott and Natalie. Last week, they danced a rumba. This can't be worse.

At this point I get distracted during the VT and try to rewind it, only succeeding in FASTFORWARDING it. IT IS POSSIBLE!! AND I HAVE ALREADY SAT THROUGH SO MUCH BRUCE!!! OH, CRUELEST FATE!!!! Anyway, the person who edited the VT must really hate Ssscott because it intercuts him being impeccably modest in interview with shots of him saying things like "You can't be brilliant at everything" in his post-dance reaction, and then adds on a montage of clips of him pretending to be jungle creatures.

As much as the editors hate Ssscott, the costumiers hate Natalie more. She is wearing giant polo mints for earrings. They are doing a jive to 'Hit The Road Jack' and if you imagined how a jive to that song might be choreographed on Playschool you'd be about right - yes, there's a big red door, and lots of being pushed out of it and slamming it etc, and there's a bit with a suitcase that bursts open all over the stage. Plus Bruno gets another kiss, off Natalie this time. Is it his birthday? In short, the choreography is nothing if not literal. But Scott dances it brilliantly - there, I've said it. In fact, it's the best jive since Jill's. (If you can think of a Jack and Jill joke, go right ahead.)

Judges love it. Bruno says it's the best jive since Jill's. I've always admired Bruno's insight.

Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10 and 10 from me. Craig's 9 gets booed.

And that's it for another week. As for who went? After the Jimi shock of last week, it was a predictable one. Felicity and Michelle in the bottom two, with Michelle hitting the road (Jack).

Strictlywatch 2010: oh, you count the weeks

As the opening credits play I am literally walking through the door into my friend Sally's flat - which means there will be - YES!! - guest opinions and NO!! time to pause so will be blogging VERY!! fast.

First up Kara and Artem! According to the Strictly gossip site I've been on, it isn't them who are at it - it's Gavin and Tina. So now I can concentrate on the dancing. I am sure they are relieved. They will also be relieved that they don't have to dress as Sarah Brightman and Michael Ball this week. In the trainning footage, Kara is pre-menstrual. They don't actually say that. But I'd put money on it.

Sally and I are both stunned by the dance. It is INCREDIBLE. Best salsa since Mark Ramprakash - better than Ramps maybe even? Is these possible? Kara does these astonishing cartwheels over Artem's head, landing between his legs. I'd go so far as to say we're in shock.

Judges ecstatic. And quite right too. Bruno says that there was a mistake. We block our ears.

Scores: 9, 9, 9, 9 - Sally and I are APPALLED. Sally points out that Ssssscott's waltz last week was NO WAY bettwe than that. We both give 10s, naturally.

Now it's Pamela and James. We talk through most of the VT but we like the bit where James puts gaffer tape over Pamela's mouth.

This dance, a foxtrot, is also excellent. Though Sally says she is missing the wow factor, and that she (Sally) is fickle and shallow. I love it. They have such great chemistry and it's a classic routine to a classic song (Let There Be Love.) And Pamela has good dancing faces. You get an extra point from me for good dancing faces.

Judges offer qualified enthusiasm. We do not approve of Craig denigrating the cheesiness. Strictly is all about cheese.

Scores: 8, 9, 8, 8, a 9 from me and an 8 from Sally. Sally says there shouldn't be any 10s till a few weeks' time, having already forgotten she just gave one.

Next up, Felicity and Vincent (who were in the bottom two last week.) We talk all the way through the VT again.

Hard to write anything about their Paso Doble (to Carmen), mesmerised as we are by the post-dance moment when Vincent rips off his top and drags Felicity across the floor back to the judges by the ankle. But it was a good dance (with good Paso faces) that suited Felicity. Things that did not suit Felicity: the rotting length of yellow rope they have attached to the back of her head as a "plait".

Judges warm. Sally points out that Felicity has the best dress again.

Scores: 6, 8, 7, 8 and Sally and I both want to give her a 7.5 so we are giving a 7 and an 8 between us.

Now it's Jimi and Flavia. They wheel out Jimi's daughter for the VT so they must think they're at risk of going home. Jimi and Flavia visit her school and the kids all think they are shit. His daughter is mortified. Hilarious.

The dance, a quickstep, is terrific, particularly the opening - fantastic and funny choreography from Flavia. Genius dancing faces again. The standard is ridiculously high this week. We are fully entertained.

Craig is negative, so much so that Bruno stands up and complains. Go Bruno. Everyone else loves it.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 9 and 9s from us - we cannot argue with the entertainment.

I've only just had time to notice Tess's hot pink toga. Oh Tess. No.

Now it's Matt and Aliona, dancing the Viennese Waltz. I hate the Viennese Waltz. Both Sally and I reckon if we tried to dance it we would throw up, and Matt would seem to agree.

The dance begins ludicrously with a whole load of business around a swing, where they keep hitting the ropes, because they practised around a chair (I saw the training footage online.) Sally reckons the producers just had a swing lying around and asked if they'd mind using it. After the swing bit it is suddenly brilliant, but they go back to the swing for the end. God, no. LEAVE THE SWING. They are losing a point from me for the swing. They danced to 'They Call Me The Wild Rose' - because Aliona has pink hair?

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9, 8 from Sally, and 9 from me, which would have been a 10, had it not been for the SWING, FFS.

Can't help but notice they have left all the crap people for the second half.

And as if by magic, it's Sally's favourites, Ann and Anton next. Doing a Charleston. RESULT. The training footage is hilarious. Ann and Anton are the best double act since Laurel and Hardy.

It begins and ends in Sepia - nice touch. More valliant comedy choreogrpahy from Anton. Ann looks like the Queen Mother playing aeroplanes. We both love the final kissing of Craig's photograph. Craig looks APPALLED. I'm not sure I can describe Ann's dances, I think you need to watch them on Youtube, they are something beyond.

Judges starting to lose their sense of humour. Craig says that the double bounce action was missing entirely. I noticed a fair bit of double bouncing myself.

Scores: 2, 6, 5, 4, 5 from me - Ann really does perform, even if she doesn't, technically, dance - and 6 from Sally. She is still laughing long after it ends.

Now it's Michelle and Brendan. I wonder if they can build on their great jive last week? We see a clip of Michelle singing the National Anthem (American, natch) at the NFL game, which reminds us what she's really good at.

They are dancing a waltz to Right Here Waiting For You - cheesy song, Sally points out, and indeed she's in a cheesy pink dress, and the waltz is a bit of a cheesy dance, but as discussed, we are all for cheese. And Michelle keeps up the good work from last week's great jive.

Judges mixed. Craig is particularly grumpy tonight - even for him - but Len is very keen.

Scores 6, 8, 8, 8 and 8s from us. 6 is freakishly low. Perhaps Craig has an intestinal complaint.

Next up Patsy and Robin. Surely Patsy will be called the dark horse of the competition this week. She is getting good, but then again, so is everyone. Much talk of her weight loss - she's on a Strictly journey! (Weight loss is of course metaphorical for happiness in Strictly land.)

Oh no. It's a cha cha and it's kind of awful, and we are blaming the song choice. It has no tune or beat and they seem to be dancing out of time, but they are in time with each other, so we don't get it. Patsy is dressed Kylie-like in a little gold dress but even that is ruined by horrible yellow pants underneath. It's horrible yellow pants week.

The judges don't call her the dark horse of the competition, which is because, judging by this, she isn't.

But scores: 6, 8, 7, 8 - nobody can agree. I am giving a 6 - really didn't enjoy it - and Sally is going for a 7.

Now for Sssscott and Natalie. The VT is an extended advert for Eastenders, with many old faces present to lure us back.

Oh god. It's a rumba. Natalie is dressed in tin foil and loo paper and not much of each. Sally hates it. Too bum sticky outy, too cloying, too much savouring of slightly creepy moves. Sally is wisdom incarnate. I feel sorry for Ssscott. He has to do a rumba, nobody gives him the choice. I am incapable of liking a rumba. It isn't his fault.

Judges dislike. Maybe they hate the rumba too.

Scores: 4, 9, 7, 8 - crazy scores. I am going for a 7 and Sally an 8, on the basis that the rumba is such a ghastly dance that we are surely missing something.

Next it's Gavin and Katya. In the VT they play rugby. We love it when Katya "gets her self esteem back" by pulling up her top.

We have no idea what dance they are doing but it's to 'Dont Cha'. Is that a clue? A Cha Cha? Sally calls it "a bit vulgar", which is a MASSIVE understatement. It's a rugby themed dance. Gavin has a ball. Literally. And Katya - OH GOD - is in knee socks, with a tiny red and black tinsel crop top with 'Henson 10' on the back and matching hot pants. Dance-wise, it's more stripper moves from the choreography and we are genuinely embarassed when Katya feels up his crotch.

5, 8, 8, 8 - 6 from me, and Sally flirts with a 7 before reverting to a 6 on the entirely valid basis that she "hated it".

And that's it! Tricky to say who will go but we decide on Patsy. And then Jimi can be the dark horse.

Strictlywatch 2010: Halloween Special

So... late means dead, right? And Halloween is about dead things and zombies and ghouls, yes? So really, it's appropriate that my review of the Strictly Halloween Special is late, yes? Yes?

Hell's bells! Being days behind and having decided to speed my way through Strictly with liberal use of the fast forward button, I almost missed the opening paso doble, which would have been a *catastrophe* - because I think we all know by now exactly how I'd feel about a group of muscular, bare-chested men in eye make-up doing macho and somewhat homoerotic coordinated dance moves to a soundtrack of Supermassive Black Hole by Muse (an appropriately macho yet homoerotic song, featuring excellent falsetto from someone out of the fabulous singers, Dave Arch and the wonderful orchestra), and that's before we've even added CAPES. Tonight is my night, baby! (Or to be accurate, Saturday night is my bits and pieces over the next few days, baby.) Bring on the Strictly Come Dancing Halloween Special! The dancers are ready and dressed to kill! Or to put it another way, like death warmed up. Literally.

First up, Pamela and James, who bring on a piece of supportive VT from Robin Williams in their intro footage. Trump card! We watch James teasing Pamela and once again I am forced to reflect on how Strictly makes me like people I don't like. I didn't like Camilla until she danced with Tom. I didn't like Ola until she danced with Chris. And now I am starting to like James. Note: Tom and Chris both won.

They are dancing a jive, for which James has dressed as the devil and Pamela as the fiery flames of hell (but through the medium of DANCE. And sequins.) It's a nice jive, with good little kicks and great turns, but I don't like what Pamela is doing with her arms. They're ineffectually up by her sides and remind me of the wings on an oven-ready chicken.

Damning with faint praise from the judges. Craig specifies that he didn't like the kicks. I won't be getting that judging gig any time soon. No mention of the arms, or chickens.

Scores, on little pumpkin scorecards: 6, 7, 7, 7 - I would have gone with a 7.

Next up, Tina and Jared, dancing an Argentine tango. I am excited. It's my favourite dance, and usually they make us wait until the semi-final. Jared is very flirty in the VT. I like flirty Jared. Not sure Tina does.

Tina is dressed as the zombie version of Olivia Newton John's "sexy" final outfit (and fright wig) in Grease. Why has nobody ever thought of doing a zombie version of Grease before? Too late suckers, I've copyrighted the idea.

It's great choreography, intensely performed and Tina does well with all the leg flicks and jumps, but she still can't dance in some fundamental way. Her transitions are awful, she just sort of walks around. I can't be bothered to check, but I suspect I have written "she just sort of walks around" in every Tina review except for that week when she got chicken pox. Another mention of chicken. Am I hungry?

Alesha is a very talkative judge tonight. Bruno accidentally punches her. Hmmm. Craig mentions Olivia Newton John. Fashion-wise we are on the same page at least. And then he starts talking about the solar plexus and loses me again.

Scores: 6, 8, 7, 7 - would have been another 7 from me too.

Now it's Kara and Artem. He is dressed as the Phantom of the Opera. I am not convinced this is a good thing. According to the VT, they will also be dancing (a Paso Doble) to the Phantom of the Opera. I am even less convinced that this is a good thing. They are having a miserable time in training and they don't know why. But I know why. They decide to cheer themselves up by going to see - guess what? It won't work, kids.

There is so much dry ice that I can barely see the dance. Once the pea souper clears, it's good - Kara is a lovely, elegant dancer, and this is spirited (no pun intended). But I am fatally distracted by the question of whether they are At It. I don't think they are, but Why Miss Jones is so convinced. I know what you're thinking, I was wrong about Ali and Brian, but they conveniently broke up straight after the run of their West End show finished, so I'm not sure I was *that* wrong.

Bruno reckons it was oozing with drama and passion. Craig says it finally had some passion. Len: "A fire". Maybe I am wrong after all. My sexy judgment is impaired! I blame the clocks going back. Alesha says nothing. That'll learn her.

Scores: 9, 9, 10, 9. Me, I say 9. (This is a slight cheat. I originally said 8, but having watched the rest of the episode I have gone back and changed it. I know when I am wrong. Except when I am right and all of you are wrong.)

In the link, I am increasingly mesmerised by Tess's grotesque zigzag belt. It's oddly reminiscent of Thundercats. Can I get a graphic? Yes I can:



Now it's Patsy and Robin. They are still in, apparently. This can only mean one thing: at some point soon, someone will call her "the dark horse of this competition."

They are doing the jive, and Robin begins the dance spreadeagled on a mortician's slab while Patsy lurks behind some test tubes. That's VERY jive. And they are DEFINITELY going to be dancing to The Monster Mash. - Yes they are! Glad to see some of my critical faculties are intact, even if only in the clothes and music areas. Anyway, it's very silly and quite fun. In fact there are bits that I love. Like when Robin puts his head between Patsy's boobs and shakes it from side to side in what I believe - and please correct me, as I fear I may be veering from the path here - is known as a numnumnumnumnum. I wonder if this is a recognised ballroom move?

The judges seem to be being nice, but I am distracted (I am spending a lot of this episode being distracted) by Patsy's eye make-up, which is an abomination. Imagine trying to do a Bollywood look but all you have is a black marker pen.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 - and a 7 from me.

Next are Felicity and Vincent, whose problems learning the Viennese Waltz lead in no logical way to the arrival of the cutest Strictly guest appearance in the history of training footage: Vincent's adorable tiny son. Vote! Vote to keep in Vincent son! Then he can be a prop in their showdance in the final.

For once I actually like the gimmicky stuff at the start - Felicity and Vincent at the top of the stairs, spinning around each other wearing lengthy hooded capes and Viennese masks - but even if you hadn't seen the VT it's obvious that Felicity hates this dance: she does her best but she staggers dizzily - bad, bad feet. This, as they say, is not her week. Though I can't help but notice that she has the best dress yet again, scarlet with a gold back, and I wonder if it's because she's lovely to the costumiers, or a control freak diva, or if they have a list in the design room with one word beside each name so Ola must always be SLUTTY while Felicity is CLASSY.

Len complains about the gimmicky stuff at the beginning, as if he has no idea that the production team have told all the pro dancers to choreograph these bits in to keep ratings up. Bruno compares it to the Da Vinci Code, though I think he means it in a nice way, rather than interminable, repetitive, and with many references to agonising tortures. When they go to the reaction shot of Felicity I have a Patsy moment: her eyebrow adornments appear to have been done with Tippex. Everyone aside from Len likes the opening sequence, take note choreographers: you can do it without being naff.

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7 and a 6 from me.

Now it's Jimi and Flavia. Jimi is very excited because they are dancing a Paso to Thriller, and Michael Jackson is his hero, cue lots of pictures of Jimi as a kid in Michael Jackson outfits, his mum giving another charming interview - I love Jimi's, sorry, James's mum - and one terrible, terrible wig. I heart Jimi, I do.

They are, of course, dressed like zombies, and the producers break out the dry ice again, which means that I can barely see the first half of the dance. Eventually I witness enough and I don't like what I see. It looks to be like a rumba on steroids. The best thing about it is Jimi's contact lenses. The contact lenses should never be the best thing about a dance: even I know that.

But what do I know? The judges love it. Much is made of Jimi's shapes. Apparently, they are good.

What are Jimi's scores? I do not know because at his point I paused in my blogging duties, and my computer didn't save them. I seem to remember they were crazy high, like 8s, whereas I was thinking more in the vicinity of a 6.

Michelle and Brendan up next. Brendan is dressed as Riff Raff from the Rocky Horror and is astonishingly convincing, in fact I think I prefer him in this guise. Michelle is dressed as a sexy festive pumpkin. They dance the Time Warp, and it is insane and brilliant, right up until the bit where they actually have to do the Time Warp, when it is suddenly a bit rubbish. I did like the "jump to the left" though.

Bruce and Craig love it - Craig calls it lobotomised "in a good way" - but there's an almighty bust-up between Brendan and Len over the Time Warp bit. Brendan is heard protesting that it only lasted 20 seconds, and he was careful to time it, which makes me, the Strictly nerd, all excited because it would seem to suggest that every dance is allowed exactly 20 seconds of stupid faffing, just usually they put it at the beginning. Which explains a lot. Also, in that case, Len really should stop marking them down for it.

Scores are 7, 6, 8, 8, and an 8 from me even though Michelle balls up the footwork, because I want to encourage her in her pumpkin-based lunacy.

Now it's Gavin and Katya. I am starting to love Gavin all over again, ever since I saw him on ITT and when asked what he most misses when he goes on holiday, his reply was a particularly flattering mirror in his house. He reminds me of a small, obsessive child, like my nephew who insisted on wearing a pirate outfit complete with mask for about a year and went to bed every night with whatever kitchen implement had been acting as his sword that day. Bless.

For their paso, Gavin is dancing topless. Katya's concession to Halloween is to flash a pair of red knickers underneath her white dress, in a disconcertingly sexy moment which rather sets the tone for the whole dance. Particularly, as it turns out, the bit where Gavin rips off Katya's dress leaving only the red knickers (leotard, as it turns out) behind. With all this flesh on show it is only with some effort that I can report that this actually seems to be quite good. For Gavin.

Bruno says that Gavin should "reveal more of himself". I don't think this would be a very good idea.

Scores: 5, 7, 7, 7 and a 6 from me.

In Ssssscott and Natalie's VT, Ssssscott reveals that he has a cold and talks about mucus. Thus, for the duration of their dance, all I can think of is mucus. It's a waltz, so Sssscott's main job is to go round and round. He goes round and round well, but still - MUCUS.

I have no idea what the judges say.

Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10 and a 9 from me. MUCUS.

Now it's time for Ann and Anton. They are dancing a Paso to Wild Thing! Who is the wild thing in this scenario? Ann? Oh god no, please. Anton? No, that's worse. It's rather boring (by which I mean terminally done) for the most part, until the very end when Anton starts dragging Ann around the floor in the trademark "Sergeant" manoeuvre and spinning her round in circles. She does do the steps, though.

The judges are baffled at the force of Ann. Alesha very funnily says that Ann was like an appliance - a hoover that Anton drags around - and then Bruce says that was his joke from rehearsal. Miaow.

Scores: 2, 5, 5, 4 and a 3 from me.

Finally, Matt and Aliona. In the VT they do a sexy photoshoot involving Matt lying around in knee boots (and other clothing) amongst bales of hay, and I abandon all pretence of being impartial.

They are dancing an Argentine tango, which, as mentioned, is my favourite dance, but they seem to have replaced a lot of the Argentine tango with lifts - amazing lifts, well-executed lifts, but I would have liked more burning glances and intense leg-interweaving. I think, in general, Aliona's choreography is a bit naff. Astonishing for a woman with pink hair.

Scores: 8, 8, 9, 9 and I can't resist giving them a 9 too. You can't blame Matt for Aliona's choreography. You can tell they are disappointed with the 8s, what with all the 10s flying around the place.

As for the result, Tina went home, so I guess we'll never know whether she could have learned to dance, or would just have walked around a bit all the way to the final.

Strictlywatch 2010: week, um, whatever. Not sure.

Gearing up for another exciting live blog of Strictly, with a difference! Tonight the blog will be featuring contributions from the Pack Jury: Rhian (mum), Scott (dad, aka @meandmybigmouth), Martha (9) and Ethan (claims 32, actually 11.) We are watching in Casa Pack and I am typing on the smallest keyboard I've ever seen outside of a phone. Also, I can't pause the telly here, so commentary may be brief. And I have to watch Bruce because I can't fast forward. Pity me.

It's only pre-credits and Rhian has already predicted an exit for Michelle if she doesn't pull something spectacular out of the bag. Martha likes Matt and Kara. Ethan: "Oh my god, Tess Daly isn't wearing a curtain" - though personally I don't like the neckline of her dress. It channels funereal sling.

They come down the stairs. We are excited about the tangos and the charlestons - favourite dances for us all. The costumes are awesome. Scott is very excited about Erin's outfit. I am thrilled by Matt's strongman outfit and moustache but Scott reckons he and Aliona (tutu) look like they are out of Lazytown. And we are all stunned that Michelle is dancing with Ian Waite. Why?? This is what happens when I don't watch It Takes Two for a week.

First up, Jimi and Flavia, dancing a Charleston. We love it, even the opening bits with fake windows with bubble wrap curtains. Jimi's charleston faces are magnificent. It's incredibly lively and entertaining and Jimi does a cartwheel. It's not a great cartwheel, but it is, undeniably, a cartwheel.

Len doesn't like the windows. Alesha doesn't mind the windows. We like the windows. But Scott reckons it's a recipe for losing a point from Len 'I hate faff' Goodman. Craig likes the charleston faces. Craig, as ever, speaks wisdom.

our scores: 7, 7, 7, 7, 8 (Martha)
judges' scores: 6, 7, 7, 7

Next up, Scott (not our Scott) and Natalie, doing a tango. We will refer to Strictly Scott as Ssscott, after how Bruno pronounces his name. In opening VT, Ssscott plays one of his trump cards: he has a hilarious son. So does our Scott.

Natalie is dressed as a canary. It's dramatic, well-acted, well-danced, but inevitably pales a bit in comparison with Jimi's entertaining charleston - tangoes are a tad dry in relation. I don't know why I don't like it more than I do. I can tell it's good. Rhian blames the music which comes from some advert. None of us can remember what. Ferrero Rocher? Diamonds? Ssssscottish Widow?

Judges raving. Len: 'Best dance this season'. Bruno fits another few S-ses in Sssssscott's name and also thinks that it's the best dance so far.

Our scores: 9(E), 9(M), 8(Me), 8(S), 9(R)
judges' scores: 8, 9, 9, 9

Now Tina returns after a week with chicken pox. She and Jared will be doing a charleston which should suit them. Her chicken pox scars do not suit her, which of course makes us like her more. They are dancing to music from Bugsy Malone! Noticable frisson from the Pack household.

We are all singing along to 'You Give A Little Love'. Rhian points out that it's quite slow for a Charleston. Tina does a double cartwheel - Scott: 'oh blimey'. Tina does all the moves but doesn't actually dance, I think. Ethan counters that it is impossible to dance in a Charleston. Scott thinks the twiddly bits are good but there isn't enough dancing. Rhian calls it flat.

Alesha says 'this is your dance'. Bruno is with us. Craig is talking but we aren't listening because we have just spotted Billy Connolly in the audience and we need to explain to Martha who Billy Connolly is. I tune back in in time to hear Craig call it fantastic. Craig does not speak wisdom.

our scores: 6(me), 6(E), 7(R), 7(S, with 1 extra point for the pox), 7(M)
judges' scores: 7, 7, 8, 7 - we think Alesha is overmarking. Rhian points out that this is not uncharacteristic.

Next Felicity and Vincent. I met someone this week who told me that in real life Felicity is exactly like Barbara from the Good Life, which pleases me extremely. Felicity is practising with fruit tucked into her legwarmers so that she can tell her feet apart. This answers my question from last week as to what legwarmers are for nicely.

Ethan thinks there's too much faffing at the front. Rhian likes the music. I adore the Argentine stylings in the choreography, especially at the start. But later on it gets a bit stiff. And there is a terrible mistake - I am going to have to dock a point! I am VERY strict. We should all be. IT IS IN THE TITLE. It ends on a snog. We like the snog.

Judges agree with us. Sensible folk.

Our scores: 7, 7, 7, 7, and Scott was making pizza.
Judges' scores: 7, 7, 7, 8 - oh Bruno, you old romantic.

Next up Patsy and Robin. I had forgotten she was in it, which is a bad sign. Patsy is wearing a black bob, and thus looks like someone else completely, which doesn't help. Training footage largely a debate over whether to do funky chicken moves. Patsy wins the debate: there will be no chicken. Clever girl.

They are dancing to music from Chicago, so we can consider this her audition piece. On the basis of this I reckon she could get a prminent secondary role. We are all a bit quiet and say things like "quite good". Objectively I actually think Patsy is better than she seems. Scott thinks it's because she's low in energy; I wonder if maybe she's a bit uncharismatic.

Craig thinks it lost energy. Patsy says "I'm middle aged, darling." Len loves it. Patsy kisses Len. Patsy denies that she is auditioning for Chicago as she claims to be tone deaf. Scott points out that, in that case, purchasers of the Eighth Wonder album should demand their money back.

Our scores: 6, 6, 6, 6, 7(Rhian)
Judges' scores: 6, 8, 7, 7 - 8??? We think Len has lost his mind. Drink!

Next is Gavin and Kat. Gavin reveals that his idol is Peter Andre because of his singing. Only kidding. It's because of his body. This explains a lot. Gavin talks a lot about what he looks like AGAIN. Gavin may be a bit thick.

They are dancing to Toxic but sung in an Amy Winehouse voice. Ethan takes Dave Arch's name in vain by saying they should just play the CD. We watch in silence for a bit and then the collective verdict is that Gavin can't dance. Ethan reckons only the might of the Welsh vote is keeping him in. Ethan is perspicatious.

The judges agree. Gavin may, and will, comfort himself with the thought that he is better-looking than Peter Andre.

Our scores: 5, 5, 5, 5, 5
Judges' scores: 5, 6, 6, 6. Rhian says that Gavin looks like a little boy lost. Yes, but with the body of a celebrity wrestler.

Now it's Peter and Erin doing a charleston. We are all very happy for Scott. Gary Linekar turns up in the VT to big him up. They must be dead worried.

Erin is dancing in seamed stockings, a waistcoat and a bowler hat. When I point out how rubbish Peter is, Scott asks "is Erin dancing with somebody"? According to Scott, it will be their last week, but they have gone out with a bang. He's still talking about Erin's outfit. Best outfit of the series, he reckons. Martha's verdict: "I hope Ann Widdecombe is on next."

Judges hate it. Len likes the outfit.

Our scores: 3, 3, 3, 4(E), 10(Scott: 'My favourite dance of Strictly ever.)
Judges' scores: 2, 5, 6, 4 - 6???? Peter spent the whole dance staring in panic at Erin, maybe because of her outfit, but more likely because he couldn't remember what he needed to do next. Alesha, you're nuts.

Now it's Pamela and James doing a tango. James has grown unspeakable facial hair for the occasion. The Pamela v James tussle for supremacy continues to be a highlight of the series. Billy comes to rehearsals to pick up tips on how to control Pamela. Good luck with that, Billy.

They are dancing to Love Is The Drug. Pamela is dressed as the Quality Street Bet Lynch. It's great: staccatto, great legs (says Scott), dramatic, exciting, wonderful spins.

Bruno loves. Craig says it lost theatricality, Scott agrees, I don't. The only real issue the judges have is with posture.

our scores: 8, 8, 8, 7(Scott: 'not moved by it'), 7(M)
judges' scores: 8, 8, 9, 9 - Scott says this is overscored. Where was the passion?

Now it's Matt and Aliona. Martha and I are particularly excited. Rhian wishes Aliona would lose the pink hair. So say we all. In the VT, Matt has taken Aliona to the farm. She has chosen wellies that match her hair. Whenever they put Matt in a rural setting I get over-excited. Note to self, must re-read Lady Chatterly.

IT STARTS ON A UNICYCLE. And it gets BETTER from there. WE LOVE. WE LOVE. Whole of team Pack grining like idiots. Matt's charleston faces deserve an Oscar. Genius choreography, skillful and hilarious. There's an astonishing bit at the end where they do joint cartwheels. HURRAH!

Judges love and don't really care about the mistakes. There were mistakes? Oh.

our scores: 9s all round, Scott has awarded an entire point for the unicycle.
judges' scores: 9, 9, 9, 8 - Bruno you spoilsport! Audience booing their hearts out.

Now it's Michelle, who, it turns out, is dancing with Ian because Brendan had to go to New Zealand for his dad's funeral, poor bloke. But we all adore Ian. Rhian says that Michelle looks too thin. And so she does.

Maybe it's the tango or maybe it's Ian, but Michelle is dancing her best ever. Ian goes all out with the tango faces to remind us that he should NEVER have been sacked.

Judges are all happy. Huge improvement. Poor Brendan. Michelle says she loves to be held and to have two men. Indeed.

our scores: 7, 7, 7, 7, 8(M) - we are all giving her the benefit of the doubt for having to dance with someone new.
judges' scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 - they all do the Len 7 voice. Bruno's is slightly frightening.

Next Kara and Artem. Artem is in another stupid hat. He does love his stupid hats. Kara takes Artem home to meet parents. They show him the baby photos. Many implications that they are dating. I think the hats belie this theory.

Kara is dancing in a tinsel bikini. It is very well danced but I find the choreography a bit flat. The Packs do not share my feelings.

But the judges do! It's me and the judges against team Pack. Fight! Fight!

Our scores: 8, 8, 8, 8, 8
Judges' scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 - seems like a fight will not be necessary after all

Hurrah! It's Ann and Anton! How did I end up on team Ann? I don't know, but it could have something to do with the fact that she's starting this dance suspended from the ceiling in a winch. Scott: "It like having a sleeping bag full of melons hurled at you at great speed." The rest of the dance is so-so, but SHE WAS SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING IN A WINCH. They dance to THAT tango music. Think of tango music: yes, that music. She is bad, but no worse than Peter.

Craig liked it - until Ann landed. Len says that seeing Ann descending from the sky in a truss was worth half the TV licence.

Our scores: 3(R), 3(M, who says she thinks Ann's getting taller) 4(me - 1 point for the winch), 3(S), 10(E)
Judges' scores: 3, 7 from Len "for entertainment", 6, 5

We all think Peter is to go. Also vulnerable: Michelle, though she may get the sympathy vote and the Ian vote, and Gavin, if he fails to galvanise the Wales vote.

Strictlywatch 2010: week 3

And tonight!! On Strictly!!! One of my favourite dances (the Quickstep) takes on one of the ones I most love to hate (the Rumba). And Tess is wearing a gold-belted scarlet toga. Aah, Saturday night.

First shock of the night: Tina is ill and won't be dancing tonight. OK, shock may be a strong word. Slight departure from expectation. More later - hold on to your hats! (You're all wearing hats, right?)

Returning to things as they should be, opening the show are Kara and Artem. In the training footage, they are working very hard to make it look like they're dating. Do I think they're dating? No I do not.

They are dancing a quickstep to Are You Gonna be My Girl. Do I think Kara is going to be Artem's girl? No I do not. It's oddly jivey for a quickstep, and Kara is wearing a black tie over a lemon yellow prom dress, but it's a good routine and Kara is a great dancer, despite a slightly trippy bit at the edge of the stage which I think is a mistake but will probably turn out to be clever artistry. There's a cartwheel! From Kara! Oh, my lights.

(And while you recover it's a good time to welcome our fabulous singers, Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra.)

Bruno surprisingly critical, but it's all constructive. Craig is calling him picky. Second shock of the evening! I mean slight departure from expectation.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 7 - huge boo for Bruno

Next up, Felicity and Vincent's rumba. In the training footage, Felicity is wearing leg-warmers. What exactly are leg warmers for and why were they only necessary in the eighties?

They are dancing to True Colours. Much more of an attempt could have been made to imitate Cindi Lauper's voice. This way it doesn't sound nearly as hilariously bad as it could. Felicity is wearing a black dress with a boob keyhole so we can all see how well her cleavage is doing. The choreography is very flashy, like if Vincent made a list of everything Felicity could do and just did them all in a row - now the backbend! now the splits! Multo impressivo. But to me it's a bit static in between. At the end, the lights behind them go into rainbow colours. Like a rainbow. Like in the *song*.

Len thinks it's Felicity's best dance and is not mistaken about that. Everyone is talking about flexibility. They are also not mistaken. Bruno and Craig agree with me about the transitions. Perhaps tonight I will be in Strictly harmony? Does seem unlikely.

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 7 - I have only just noticed that Alesha is dressed as a zebra. Although no mask.

Our next dancers are Patsy and Robin. Let me tell you something about the practice footage. Um, well, it isn't very interesting.

They are dancing to that KT Tunstall song that goes Woo Hoo, and Patsy misses the opening beat, so the bit on the raised stage is out of time, although that does temporarily distract me from the weird thing she is doing with her arms. What is the weird thing she is doing with her arms? Looks like she is doing a comedy mime of playing a tiny piano. Not sure if that's the intended effect. Once they get onto the floor proper, Patsy looks like she can't keep up and doesn't know what to do with her head. But it's OK. I am confident that there will be worse dances tonight.

There are many horse references from the judges. That's got to hurt.

Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 - Alesha's 7 is way high.

Now it's time for Paul and Ola. Their training footage looks like something out of Through The Keyhole. Perhaps they could be combined in some way? You have to guess who's dancing next by shots of their weird swirly living room wallpaper and the novelty wine holder in the kitchen. Ola has taken to practising in a funereal shroud. Third slight departure from expectation of the night.

They are dancing to Rihanna's Take A Bow. Wonder if Paul will take a bow at the end? AND THEY HAVE STARTED WITH MAGIC. MAKE IT STOP. Oh god. Now Paul Daniels is wiggling his bum with hands behind head in a manner reminiscent of the Alan Partridge lap dancing episode. BRING BACK THE MAGIC. You know how I said there would be worse dances than Patsy's? Sooner than I thought. Ola has clearly taken a leaf out of Anton's book and tried to make the choreography funny, but it isn't funny. It's just Paul Daniels, turning round in circles with his arms above his head. Ooh, guess what. They did bring back the magic for the ending. By then I didn't want it any more. I am fickle. The end: Paul takes a bow.

Len has just said it was entertaining. I wonder if there was a BIG meeting about entertaining-ness, post-John Sergeant? Alesha: "Oh Paul, you're so sweet, and I love that you're really, really trying." Alesha, he isn't six. Bruno has just challenged the notion that Paul's spin was funny. Bruno and I are telepathic tonight, which is particularly surprising as I'm watching with a half hour delay. Paul is blaming Ola. Not gallant.

Scores: 2, 5, 5, 4 - the 5s are insane.

Up next are Matt and Aliona, which is like last week when they put Kara straight after Ann - very unfair on Paul. Training emphasising Matt being rubbish in training - ie 'please vote for Matt even though he's a gymnast'.

Matt looks terrified at the start. There's a lot of spinning Aliona round on the floor and it doesn't quite look right. Though this may be because Aliona is wearing one giant sleeve the size of the rest of her dress, which is pale pink, making her head look like a maraschino cherry on top of a spinning strawberry sundae. A spinning strawberry sundae with one giant sleeve. But the dance improves, Matt's face improves, and soon there is much smiling, much intricate kicking, and much fun had by all. Well, by me. It's another win to team Matt! And to team sleeve.

Craig and Bruno are more positive than Alesha and Len. This is rare.

Scores: 8, 7, 8, 8 - Len has given this the same score as Felicity's. He has lost his mind! But in the wrong direction! Er... drink?

Now for Gavin and Katya. Doing the rumba, The Dance of Love TM, to 'You Are Always On My Mind'. Bruce makes a joke about them being an item but the training footage suggests quite the opposite. I am scared of Katya.

Katya is dancing in a mid-90s-style floral maxi-dress. It's another slight departure from expectation! (This feature really isn't working out quite the way I hoped.) Oh my god, it is slit to the waist with pink underpants! Hang on, I am supposed to be watching the dancing. But it's hard to, as Katya appears to be using the dress to hide Gavin. Katya and the dress dance very well together.

Len: "The rumba is a difficult dance for a big guy": drink! Alesha says that Gavin feels exposed, but he has a whole floral curtain between him and the audience.

Scores: 3, 6, 7, 6 - a 7, Alesha? What? Why? Is this you trying to assert your individuality?

It should be Tina and Jared dancing next but she's ill, so we're just getting their rumba training footage. In fact it's their chicken pox training video. Shame she won't be dancing, I'd like to see the matching chicken pox outfit. Feathers and spots?

So taking their spot, as it were, are Scott and Natalie. I can't concentrate on the training because I know they are dancing to King of the Swingers from the Jungle Book. I barely have the ability to notice how hideous all Scott's practice T-shirts are.

And it's great. Scott is really, really good. Really, really, really good. And they were dancing to the Jungle Book! In leopard print! And people ask me why I watch this programme!

Judges ecstatic. There will be at least one nine, from Alesha. Partly because today she's handing out 7s for strolling down to the bus stop.

Scores: 8, 8, 9, 9

Now it's Michelle and Brendan. Michelle is having a tough time. Brendan is nice to her.

They are dancing to Wicked Game and Michelle is dressed as Pocahontas. Her first, ah, pose, is awful. Like a small girl pretending to be a ballerina. The rest are a mixed bunch, roughly two bad to one good. I really hate the rumba.

Judges like it more than I do. Not difficult.

Scores: 4, 6, 7, 7

Next it's Peter and Erin. Peter nearly went out last week so they have got Graham Taylor to record some VT to encourage him. Yes. That Graham Taylor. The famous winner.

Immeasurably better than last week. PLUS Erin is in culottes, and they are dancing to the fabulous 'Lullaby of Broadway'. WIN.

Len has offered to show his bum in Tesco if Peter is in the bottom two this week. Other bum-displaying supermarket venues are available.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6

Now it's Jimi and Flavia. I should reveal at this point that I am developing a Jimi crush. He's such a cheerful poppet. This is not part of the crush, but I find it very sweet that on the VT his mum calls him James.

They are doing a rumba to Aint No Sunshine. Before they've even started, Jimi has the best rumba face ever. INTENSE. There is a *lot* more dancing in this rumba than in previous rumbas. Compare Gavin of the 'standing still' school of rumba. I'm not sure how good the dancing is - Jimi still moves like enthusiastic spaghetti - but there are good BITS, and he's so happy! The opposite of old Craig misery-guts who Flavia danced with last year. I heart him. The judges better be nice.

Len is NOT being nice. NOBODY is being nice. JUDGES: YOU ARE MEAN.

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 6 - which means that Alesha has scored him lower than everyone else tonight other than Paul Daniels.

Now Ann and Anton, who are doing a quickstep. They are soundtracking the practice footage with The Runaway Train. Sadly I doubt that's what they are actually dancing to. Could make an 'and she blew' joke here; decide not to.

ANN IS IN A RED FEATHER BOA. And even more than that: IT SUITS HER. She removes it immediately. They are dancing to Putting on the Ritz, and it's a triumph of leadership from Anton, which is to say, it is OK.

Faint praise from judges which is better than no praise at all. I am stealing myself for some insane scoring from everyone other than Craig.

Ann has just told Tess off for talking too much. Scores: 3, 5, 5, 5 - within the bounds of sanity, actually.

Lastly it's Pamela and James. Again, I have seen some of the practice footage on ITT and again I am very excited. I love Pamela who wants to stay in the competition "to shut James up." Watching James be pummeled (pammeled?) into submission is a weekly joy.

For the rumba, Pamela is dressed as a hood ornament dressed as a figure skater. Her dancing, though, is incredible. SHE IS 61 YEARS OLD. At that age, I am hoping to still be able to get up and down stairs. And she's not only good for 61, she is good for any age - graceful, musical, expressive etc. Line up your drinks for the judges saying "best rumba of the night". (Ann Widdecombe is two years older by the way. One is a sex therapist and the other a virgin. Draw your own conclusions.)

A 'fab-u-lous' from Craig. Complaints about the choreography from Len. Bruno is beside himself with praise, another 9? Nobody has said "best rumba of the night" and the drinks are getting warm. Screw it, just have them anyway.

Scores: 9, 8, 9, 9 - holy smoke, a 9 from Craig??

Got to say Pamela is my favourite this week, with Scott up second and lovely Matt only in third. It's our final slight departure from expectation!

And who goes? er.... dare I hope Paul?

Strictlywatch 2010: week 2 results

I don't think it's a great sign when someone who is completely obsessed with Strictly Come Dancing to the point of blogging about each episode in exhausting (do I mean exhaustive? No I think I really do mean exhausting) detail watches the results show and thinks 'well I don't think I'm going to bother with that again.' But seeing as I did -

Tess Daly looked stunning. Really lovely, flattering dress. Either a case of stopped clock telling the right time twice a day, or the BBC reading my blog really quickly and totally revolutionising their wardrobe policy. I know which I believe. Claudia Winkelman, on the other hand, was dressed as a Victorian baby. Major kudos, BBC, for having two women hosting a prime time show, even if it is only the little sister of Strictly Proper. I'd have liked to see them interact more. Claudia on her own does just fine, but Tess is a straight woman in dire need of a funny partner. Claudia is funny in spades. Let them present together, BBC, oh please. Presenting-wise, the best part of the entire show was the last few seconds when Tess refused to "keeeep dancing" with Claudia.

Other thoughts: spreading the results over the show decreases, rather than increases, tension. The show dancers are pointless, looking lost on the stage and no real fun to watch because nobody knows the personalities behind the dancing. Big error of judgement from the producers. Robbie Williams performs in exactly the same way as I would if I were a pop star, ie not caring much for the usual order of the words, and dancing like a loon. He also looks increasingly like Paul Robinson in Neighbours. Evidence:





And Goldie going was no surprise for those of us expert in the behaviour of Strictly voting audiences.

That's all. This blog, like the results show itself, is both too long and too short, and rather pointless. I think I'll stick to reviewing the main show from now on.

Strictlywatch 2010: week 2, as long as we aren't counting the first show

It Saturday! It's 5.45! It's, well, it could be a lot of things, depending on where you are, and what you are doing, obviously. But in THIS house it's Strictly Come Dancing!

OK BBC. If you don't want me to slap off Tess Daly every week, stop dressing her in ruched sci fi bin liners. Just a suggestion.

They've just slipped in an announcement I didn't know: there is NO DANCE OFF this year. Good move: far more jeopardy, but it does make me wonder what the hell is going to happen in the results show, which will presumably last longer than ten minutes.

To the dancers! Opening the show are Matt and Aliona. In the training footage, Matt Baker is surrounded by pumpkins. Why does this make him sexier to me? Do I have a latent Halloween fetish? Best not to think about that.

They do a foxtrot to Plan B. Not the rap, for which we may be grateful. It's incredibly sexy, maybe because Matt Baker is so good at leading, maybe because with that hair, Aliona looks a bit like a pumpkin. The choreography is very dramatic although not what I'd recognise as a foxtrot, and there is a terrifying moment at the end when Matt throws himself to the floor on top of Aliona. I'm absolutely on Team Matt, but I hope he doesn't do gymnast stuff every week. There is a risk of naffness, and of overkill.

(While you're getting your breath back, let's welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Judges excited. Alesha says it's the sexiest foxtrot she's ever seen. She is not mistaken, though of course I don't know what foxtrots she's seen.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 - same as last week.

Next up Peter and Erin. I have seen the training footage on It Takes Two. I am not optimistic.

(At this stage I should mention that as I paused the show while I took a call from a friend, I can now fast forward Bruce's links. My enjoyment is thus greatly increased.)

They are dancing a salsa to salsa music. He has something sparkly on his bum. And lime cuffs. And dances like a duck trying to hold in a poo.

Bruce: "Well done Peter, you had a go." Technically, this is true.

Len is being negative. This bodes ill. You have to do very badly to get a bad note from Len, if you are a male sportsman. Alesha just said "I have to commend you on that." Drink!

Scores: 3, 5, 5, 4 - this actually seems rather generous to me

Tina and Jared up next, dancing a foxtrot to Sunny Side Of The Street. They go on one of those training outings to a dance club, which appears to be a swing club, which is a little odd, as they aren't dancing swing.

It's a big step up from their salsa although she is still on the tottery side of the dancing street. I don't seem to have much to say. I think I find them a little dull, though she's still very sweet.

Judges reports mixed. Maybe they feel the same way.

Scores: 6, 6, 7, 7 - I'm with Craig and Len (the 6s) on this one.

Patsy and Robin are next. I have trouble with the fact that Robin and Artem are basically identical, when they're not speaking anyway. There is much emphasis on Patsy spending all her time filming Holby and only having three hours to train. This means they will be rubbish.

Crikee. First thought: it's not bad for three hours. Not rubbish. Lots of energy, very sexy. It gets worse over the routine though. And I think the bit where she shoved her boobs over the judges desk was - shall we be tactful? - somewhat ill judged.

Craig calls the boob shoving "slightly unnecessary". Also being tactful, apparently.

Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7

Oh god. It's Ola and Paul next. And in the training footage they are showing him and Debbie renewing their wedding vows. Oh GOD. Keep an open mind, Phillips.

Foxtrot to When Lady Luck Walks Into The Room. They have gone with a magic theme again. Cards. It is not helping. The dance could be worse. Open mind. Open mind.

For the judges' comments, Paul inserts earplugs. HilARious. Judges actually relatively positive. I will defer to them, as my mind is more closed than Woolworths.

Scores: 4, 6, 6, 5

Next, Scott and Natalie. WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? Before we can have a closer look, there is much tearjerking stuff featuring Scott's granddad and his poor, dead, ballroom-dancing Grandmother.

Sequined jeggings and an under-the-boob cropped shirt. Is what she is wearing. And hoop earrings. And a HEADBAND.

They are dancing a salsa to Let's Hear It For The Boy. Yes indeed. The Boy is good. And the routine is good - Natalie is the best choreographer on the show, I think. The best bit of this is when they are dancing in sync, out of hold. He could be a cont-end-ah.

Judges ecstatic.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 - better than Matt! Team Matt is affronted.

Up next, Michelle and Brendan. This week has to be better than last, because she won't be dressed as the Country and Western Wonder Woman. In training, Kelly Rowland comes to visit. Not Beyonce. Let's not judge.

They are doing a foxtrot to It Had To Be You. There is a bench. I do not approve of this season's props. No, I do not. It's better than last week but Michelle still looks a bit out of control to me.

Judges not very impressed. Len likes the bench.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6 - I think the 7s are a tad high. Michelle could be vulnerable.

Next, Goldie and Kristina. They are dancing a foxtrot, but Goldie is wearing a hat. For the training footage, they are rolling out the mum. Maybe Goldie's mum can get together with Scott's granddad. Strictly sex SCANDAL!

Oh this is not good. Horrible posture, ploddy, and did I mention the hat? Is Kristina being punished for Sergeant-gate by only being given turkeys to dance with? Or is she the new Lilia "the lemon-tamer"?

Craig just used the word "fantastic". What? Len and Alesha also very positive. I am with Bruno, who thought it sucked.

Tess: "I love the way the waistcoat matches the teeth." Not something you hear every day.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6 - overmarked, surely?

Next, Pamela and James doing the salsa. I am really looking forward to this, having had a sneak peek on It Takes Two. In training, Pamela keeps trying to lead. Love it.

OK. I am going to have to describe the opening in detail for those who do not watch Strictly. If any of them have made it this far, seems unlikely, but anyway. James is lying on the judge's desk. Pam is dressed in a white coat with hair up. The song starts with spoken word intro: "Paging Dr Beat." (Pamela is a doctor. They are dancing to Dr Beat. Get it?) Pam comes to get James. Then she spins away, pulling down hair and ripping off labcoat in 'Why Miss Jones, you're beautiful!' moment. THEN they start the dance. Which - oh no! - is enthusiastic and energetic but horribly disappointing, with a terrible and LONG bit when Pamela completely forgets what she is supposed to be doing. Doom! Doom! Doom! Maybe she is overcome with embarrassment by the Why Miss Jones thing, and thus cannot dance.

Pamela: "I warned him, I said James, you shouldn't throw Granny on the floor." I still love her.

Judges wildly enthusiastic. Alesha: "The best salsa of the night". Bruno also. What? This is interesting. I seem to have parted company with the judges completely. Perhaps I have low blood sugar.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8. Baffled.

Now it's Felicity and Vincent's foxtrot. Training footage uses the word "forgot" many, many, many times. Vincent: "I hope she remembers to turn up."

They are dancing to Something Stupid. I genuinely like Felicity's dress. That's it, my judgement is definitely shot to shit. The dance looks good to me, if a little staid after all the drama we've had so far.

Len thinks it is OK. He says OK a LOT. Alesha using awful words like "capable". Bruno slightly less grim: "stately". Craig positive, though notably sticking to technical comments.

Scores: 6, 6, 6, 7. Felicity points out that her friends won't be voting because they are all dead.

Next, Ann and Anton. Dancing a SALSA. Have watched her a bit on It Takes Two, and despite myself, I am finding her straight talking hilarious - eg after long VT where all the celebs talk about the terror of coming down the Strictly staircase, Ann says: "They're just stairs. You learn them when you're three."

This salsa is by some measure the worst dance I have ever seen on Strictly. And that's despite Anton's valiant and funny choreography, starting with Ann scolding him and doing up the buttons of his shirt, and ending with him picking her up and swinging her round in circles. Will they lose points for an illegal lift? Will they be scored points that they can lose? There are no zeros in Strictly, as far as I know.

Crowd goes wild. Judges tactfully emphasise the entertainment factor. Craig: "There is not one word in the English language to describe what ten million people have just seen." Ann also observes the lack of zero in Strictly.

Scores: 1, 4, 4, 3. Double figures. I am amazed.

Next up, Kara and Artem. Rather cruel order; Kara is the anti-Ann. She is made of sex. Also, I may be developing an Artem crush. Lovely eyes. Lovely smile. Smokin' bod. Which makes him the anti-Anton.

Dancing to From Russia with Love. Artem is from Russia. In case you missed that. There are props; I think I am going to have to learn to live with the props. And - oh my god, they are incredible. She is so graceful. I do hope someone says lovely lines. Her lines are lovely.

Judges love it. For a moment, I thought Bruno was speaking Russian. Then I realised that his fake Russian accent was so thick I just couldn't understand what he was saying. Craig says her lines need work. Naturally.

Scores: 7, 8, 9, 8 - Craig has marked this lower than Pamela. Madness.

Now, Gavin and Katya. Gavin is a shy boy and he is dancing the salsa. There could be cuteness ahead.

Cripes, Gavin has his shirt off to practice. And is doing chin ups. Bleedin' 'eck. Much talk about Gavin's good looks in training, mostly from Gavin himself. Am reminded of that bit in A Chorus Line: "Dance ten, looks three." Only it's the other way around.

Salsa begins. Gavin's hips appear to be poured from concrete. But Kat rips his shirt open. So that might be worth a vote or two.

Judges are not dazzled by the chest flash. But ripping clothes off worked for Bucks Fizz.

Gavin: "I'm sure it looked good." Man whose only interest is own appearance = NOT sexy.

Scores: 3, 6, 5, 5 - Len has lost his mind! Quite late in the show, I thought it might not happen. Drink!

Last of all Jimi and Flavia's foxtrot. Oh god. Can Jimi dance topless a la Gavin so we don't have to see his sweaty T shirts? Meanwhile, Flavia has started caning Jimi in training, and thus launches thousands of unexpected S&M fantasies amongst impressionable teens across the land. And some non-teens too, I dare say.

They are dancing to Fever. It is very tango-esque for a foxtrot. I think it's pretty good, but I find Jimi's teeth very distracting. His foxtrot face is not as good as his cha cha face.

Judges very keen. Len says his mark went up and up in his head, which for Len means that he's going to be giving him an eleven.

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 8 - apparently Len has located his mind.

So who goes? It should be Peter Shilton but the public may save him. I'd like to see the back of Paul. But I think the most vulnerable are Goldie and Michelle. How about you? (Not, are you vulnerable. Just - oh, you know.)