Strictlywatch 2010: the week before Blackpool

OK, this isn't good. While I was away reveling in revelry - hmm, wonder why I chose those words, Mr Horwood? - my PVR was playing up so it didn't record Strictly. Which means that I will be trying to watch it and blog about it on the same tiny laptop at the same time, and even worse, as I recall it, iPlayer frowns upon the use of fastforward (why BBC? Why must I watch every minute of your output? I pay you, not the other way around. Why must you keep me in these shackles?) which means that There Will Be Bruce. I predict a return for Grumpy Judge. But let's see.

Mutter mutter mutter, intro intro intro. Has Tess got her hair up or is that a new do? She does look even more frozen behind the eyes than usual - the look of terror which traditionally accompanies a risky new haircut. Suddenly it is announced that next week they are in Blackpool - they have kept this very quiet, after last year's GET CRAIG TO BLACKPOOL (and leave him there) extravaganza. The look of fear is explained: just Tess's natural Northern panic at having to hear Brucie's comedy Blackpool accent.

Anyway, first on the floor are Pamela and James. They are both wearing pinstripe men's suits and bowler hats. Either he is going to rip hers off a la Bucks Fizz to reveal a tiny dress underneath, or they are doing a tribute to Morecombe and Wise. Maybe a rendition of the breakfast dance?



I would LOVE to see that. Damn it. Now whatever they come up with will be a disappointment.

In the VT, James and Pamela go to Scotland. But of course! That Scots block vote has gone to waste this year, and Pam is Mrs Billy Connelly after all. Pam and Bill's house contains severe crimes against tartan. Oh Pam. Oh Bill. Jokes should be amusing. Upholstery, less so.

They are dancing a cha cha cha to 'Money (That's What I Want)'. He rips her suit off to reveal a tiny dress beneath. So, not Morecombe and Wise then.

Judges cautiously praising. Bruce demands more hanky panky.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8, and a 7 from me. No grapefruit. No cleavers. No point.

Next up Michelle and Brendan. Michelle is celebrating being still in the competition by wearing a bright red bra under a white lace dress. According to the VT, together, Michelle and Brendan are celebrating still being dance partners by shouting at each other a lot. Ah bless, it's just like a marriage.

They're doing a Paso to 'American Woman'. I am totally distracted by Michelle doing some kind of chomping all the way through. Either she is chanting motivational slogans to herself or she's gone way too far into character as the bull and is chewing the cud.

As we take a moment to thanks our fabulous singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra, I can't help but notice that Michelle looks FURIOUS.

Before the judges comment, Michelle announces that whatever they're about to say, she agrees. Someone should let her face know.

Scores: 4, 7, 7, 6 and a 6 from me.

Now it's Patsy and Robin. Dark Horse! Come on! The dark horse! Yes? Am I right? Am I? This week? So I can stop saying it?

In Bruce's intro, he mentions Patsy's weight loss again, and makes a joke about Christopher Biggins being fat and camp. RETURN TO ME MY FASTFORWARD BUTTON, OH PLEASE, RETURN TO ME.

They are doing a Viennese Waltz. Well, I suppose somebody has to. For this dance, Patsy is dressed all in black, and wearing a horse's head. Oh OK, she's in a pale pink 1960s nightgown. It's pretty. I mean the dance. Patsy puts a lot of work into her facial expressions and I suspect she has been preparing for this by watching Hopelessly Devoted To You, over and over and over.



Judges positive. Horse references nil.

Scores: 7, 9, 8, 8 and a 7 from me. Len has lost his mind! Drink!

Now it's Gavin and Katya. Never mind the lack of horse references, someone will call him a Welsh dragon. It's their turn to wheel out the babies in VT. Vote for Gavin! He has babies! (Also, and it's possible you might not know this: he's Welsh.) Gavin's daughter is a better dancer than he is. She is 2.

They are dancing a quickstep. It starts with Gavin snogging Bruno. Yes. It actually does. Interesting that that's acceptable but snogging Alesha wouldn't be. I need to park that, to think about why later. The theme of the dance is Katya Teaches Gavin To Dance so it is full of "mistakes". It is also full of gimmicks. It is not full of quickstep. I hate it.

Judges enthusiastic. Bruno suggests they do it again. Alas, no dance off this year, Bruno.

Katya and Gavin repair upstairs to Tess's lair, where Gavin reveals that his Strictly dream is - yes! - getting to Blackpool. Careful, Gavin. We all know what happens to people who dream that.

Scores: 7, 8, 9, 9. This is madness. Even putting aside the fact that I hated it, Gavin got out of time repeatedly. Are we expected to believe that this is as good as Kara's salsa last week? It isn't. But fear not, grumpy judge is here with her trusty 6.

In her link, Tess calls Gavin a Welsh dragon. Drink!

Now for Ann and Anton. If we can be serious for a moment, in the comments last week Pedro wrote: "I know I probably ought to grow up and Let It Go, but I'm afraid I cannot kick-start my sense of humour when Ann Widdecombe takes to the floor (or chair). All I see is the ugly face of opposition to abortion and gay rights / equality. Isn't there a grotesque irony that she's parading around on one of the campest TV shows ever conceived, surrounded by gay people whose lives she's dedicated a good portion of her life to trying to denigrate and marginalise." I agree with all of that, and feel rather sheepish having got carried away in the Ann-based hilarity. Seeing as she is nevertheless in the show and I am reviewing it, I guess the way I will approach this is to focus my attention on Anton, whose doing all the heavy lifting anyway (literally and metaphorically) - how is he dealing with the task of making a silk purse from a sow's ear?

In the intro, Bruce mentions Eric Morecombe! We are psychic! With a 24 hour and 10 minute delay.

They are dancing the Foxtrot to You Make Me Feel So Young. Fair play to Anton, he keeps it gimmick-free until the very end, which is a brave move, but also a clever one, as Ann does get a lot of the steps right, and with nothing to distract from them, it makes it look like there has been a massive improvement, which I don't think there has been.

Judges mixed. Len, basically, abstains. It'll be interesting to see what abstaining looks like in the form of a score.

Scores: 3, 6, 6, 5 and a 4 from me. Apparently abstaining is a 6, so, if you really suck, it's worth getting Len to back out of judging you.

Watching the bit of VT about Blackpool that comes after this, it occurs to me that maybe they have been bigging up Blackpool week for ages, except I usually fastforward all of Bruce's bits and all of Tess's interviews. For all I know, there has been talk of nothing else for WEEKS.

Back to business - it's Kara and Artem. Kara is wearing a trilby. I approve. The Chuckle Brothers are in the VT. I don't approve.

They are dancing an Argentine tango, which I am quite excited about. Hang on - have I defected to Team Kara?

Apparently so. It is magnifico. There's a whole lot of business at the start with Kara being sexy with a hat stand before she gives the trilby to Artem - of course she does, hats are his thing, remember - and then it gets proper good with the intensity and the flicky legs and the rest of it. If this doesn't get at least one 10 I'll eat Artem's hat. (I don't really need to worry about that, because it's getting a 10 from me.) I wonder if hats will be Artem's thing every series or if he will develop a new thing next year? Spats perhaps, or wigs?

Look at this, says Bruce pointing at the standing ovation. Kara, look! Artem, look! Well, yes, Bruce, but the audience gives a standing ovation to every dance.

Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 and 10 from me. Craig doesn't give 10s lightly so that's fine, and Alesha and Bruno have to go to 10s after giving Gavin 9s, but this means Len thinks it was on a par with Patsy. Len has lost his mind! Again! Drink!

Now it's Felicity and Vincent. I had forgotten Felicity was in it. Not a good sign. They bring in four of her grandchildren to judge her in the VT, and although they all loyally give 10s, you can see from the comments that something isn't right. "Maybe if he carried her around or something?" suggests one. That's never a good note.

They are dancing a salsa to All Night Long which is an unfortunate choice, because Felicity does not lose herself in wild romance. I think she has looked into the face of being the third-least-popular woman over 60 in this series of Strictly and given up.

Judges not happy. Craig calls it a minor disaster. Which is actually fairly kind.

Scores: 5, 7, 7, 7 and 5 from me.

Next, Matt and Aliona. It's a rumba. Oh dear. In the VT, he says, "We're throwing everything at this." Oh DEAR.

Well. It's a rumba. Let's move on.

Judges positive, with qualifications from Craig and Len. They should have retired the rumba after Rachel Stevens did a good one and proved that it was possible.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 and 7 from me, though I am not to be relied upon in this dance.

Last dance tonight comes from Sssscott and Natalie. Last week, they danced a rumba. This can't be worse.

At this point I get distracted during the VT and try to rewind it, only succeeding in FASTFORWARDING it. IT IS POSSIBLE!! AND I HAVE ALREADY SAT THROUGH SO MUCH BRUCE!!! OH, CRUELEST FATE!!!! Anyway, the person who edited the VT must really hate Ssscott because it intercuts him being impeccably modest in interview with shots of him saying things like "You can't be brilliant at everything" in his post-dance reaction, and then adds on a montage of clips of him pretending to be jungle creatures.

As much as the editors hate Ssscott, the costumiers hate Natalie more. She is wearing giant polo mints for earrings. They are doing a jive to 'Hit The Road Jack' and if you imagined how a jive to that song might be choreographed on Playschool you'd be about right - yes, there's a big red door, and lots of being pushed out of it and slamming it etc, and there's a bit with a suitcase that bursts open all over the stage. Plus Bruno gets another kiss, off Natalie this time. Is it his birthday? In short, the choreography is nothing if not literal. But Scott dances it brilliantly - there, I've said it. In fact, it's the best jive since Jill's. (If you can think of a Jack and Jill joke, go right ahead.)

Judges love it. Bruno says it's the best jive since Jill's. I've always admired Bruno's insight.

Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10 and 10 from me. Craig's 9 gets booed.

And that's it for another week. As for who went? After the Jimi shock of last week, it was a predictable one. Felicity and Michelle in the bottom two, with Michelle hitting the road (Jack).