Strictlywatch: Blackpool Special

It's Vegas, baby! Vegas! And not just any Vegas! The Vegas of Las! VIVA LAS VEGAS!!! Viva, viva Las -

Oh, OK it's Blackpool. But there isn't a song that goes Viva Las Blackpool, so the Strictly pros are doing an Elvis-themed fan dance to Viva Las Vegas because nothing says Blackpool like Vegas! Look at everything Vegas and Blackpool have got in common: strippers, trannies, tat. Um. And other things. But anyway: it's Strictly Come Dancing Blackpool week and I have been instructed that this is exciting so WELCOME TO VEGAS, I MEAN BLACKPOOL BABY! BLACKPOOL!

For the occasion, Tess has chosen to wear a red satin jumpsuit which is the scarlet twin to a black item I had when I was 16, in 1992. Thus in kindness to my 16-year-old self I must withhold judgement, but I will say that I might not have persuaded my mother to purchase said item for me if I knew that onlookers would be quite so mesmerised by my crotch. As my friend Karen*, in whose home I am watching tonight's Strictly, says: "It's like it's been airbrushed". Poor Tess: either she's not going to get to sit down all night or she has a team of lackeys just off-camera waiting to iron her groin.

(*A note: Karen has recently moved and does not have internet, so I am writing this after the event.)

First on the floor are Patsy and Robin. I am going to stop calling Patsy the black horse of this competition as patently she isn't. Patsy is not only not very good, she also always has eyeliner applied at a downwards angle, so that she looks perpetually disappointed. No self-respecting horse of any colour would allow that. In Patsy and Robin's VT, we get the Vegas, I mean Blackpool, theme up and running with the addition of showgirls to the training room. Karen and I look closely. They are not trannies.

For the dance itself (a samba to 'Copacabana' because nothing says Blackpool like etc) Patsy is wearing a dress that looks like it is made entirely of off-cuts, and dances a dance which ditto, inspiring judges comments which also.

Scores: 6, 7, 8, 7, 6 from me and 7 from Karen. Already Alesha has shown herself to be nuts. Patsy responds to the criticism in manner of drunk barmaid being dragged off a table. I am slightly afraid.

Next up it's Kara and Artem. The VT is very emotional because Kara has knackered Artem's shoulder in training - definitely in training, nowhere else - and he is being terribly brave, and Kara is crying, and he is going to do the dance anyway, and oh my god. It's like a First World War movie. At this point I must admit that I was wrong all along about Kara and Artem: they are actually and most definitely a completely adorable loved up couple of love. It is easier for me to admit this than it might be because I have utterly transfered my allegiance to team Kartem. Favourite contestants in years. KARTEM FOR THE WIN.

So it will come as no surprise to you that I adore their American Smooth. Imagine an American Smooth as the opening sequence to a Bond movie, minus the naked ladies coming out of guns waving their arms up and down in silhouette. And danced by two people who are completely in love and unbelievably talented and one of them has a duff shoulder of doom but is being brave and lifting the other one up onto it like a bird, a BIRD. Karen and I immediately rewind it and watch it again.

Alesha loves. Bruno loves. Craig loves. Len HATES. Bleats on about it not being a foxtrot, how can he judge something that is meant to be a foxtrot and isn't a foxtrot. I am reminded of the opening sequence of Strictly Ballroom, when the lead bloke, who I want to be Ralph Macchio but isn't, dances his own steps and causes SCANDAL. In a moment Tina Sparkle is going to come on. That would be BRILLIANT.

Scores: 9, 6, 10, 10. Len has given this dance the same score he gave Ann and Anton last week, where Ann plodded around like she was wearing concrete boots. Karen and I both give 10s.

Moving on to Matt and Aliona. Something has gone wrong for Team Matt. They should be the favourites, and I should love this. It's a samba, and they do a considerable amount of it facing Dave Arch, his singers and his wonderful orchestra, so I have a perfect view of his bum wiggling, and it is quite the wiggle to watch. Matt is a terrific dancer and he is totally hot. And yet, when Matt does a sequence of backflips at the end of the dance, it reminds me of nothing other than the slightly desperate act of the man who only goes down on you because he's scared you're going to dump him.

According to Len, there's no point putting in backflips just because Matt can do them - "I was at school with a boy who could fart God Save the Queen, but it's got nothing to do with the salsa." Two questions immediately interpose themselves: why is Len in such a foul mood this week, and was he really at school with a boy who could fart God Save the Queen?

Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 and 9s from both Karen and me.

Now for Felicity and Vincent. Felicity has given up completely and walks her way through her American Smooth. Poor Felicity, from thinking man's crumpet to being outclassed on the dancefloor by someone who is considered to be unsexy even by the standards of Tory MPs. "Lacklustre" says Karen, and I have to agree.

Len, naturally, loves it. If you were playing the "Len has lost his mind" drinking game, by now you'd be too drunk to see the screen.

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 8, and Karen and I give 6s. We are hard.

It's just going from bad to worse because next up it is Gavin and Katya. Why is he still here? *Whimpers* Jimi... Jimiiiiii.... please come baaaack! I quote my notes verbatim: "Hat. Tom Jones. Microphone. No."

Len calls it excellent.

Scores: 4, 7, 8, 8. I give it a 6, and Karen is so bored that she is unable to score it, but confesses to a 7 under pressure.

Next up it's Ssscott and Natalie - but WAIT!! A SPECIAL TREAT FOR US ALL FIRST!!! BRUCE IS DANCING!!!!

What's that? We rewound Kara and Artem's dance at the beginning of the episode, which means we have exactly the right amount of video so that we can fastforward all the way through this abomination of tap? *Dodges bullet*

As I was saying, next up, it's Ssscott and Natalie. Ssscott does not look well. Specifically, he looks like a lizard with giant ears. They are dancing a samba, which is good, and yet somehow not.

I am not feeling eloquent, so it's over to Bruce for his verdict: "This is Blackpool," says Bruce. Thank you for that insight.

You know what's happened? It's that time in the series, when it's been going on for far too long but you're nowhere near the climax. Like that feeling of exhausted misery you get six hours into a fourteen hour flight. You've already been going for what feels like the very limit of your tolerance, and yet somehow there is still forever til you land. Yes, that's it, only in a tinsel bikini.

Meanwhile, the judges have given 6, 8, 9 and 9, and Karen and I volunteer 8s.

Confession time: my notes for Pamela and James read: "Wasn't fully paying attention, but seemed good enough." I can't even remember what dance they were doing. 8, 9, 10, 10. 10 and 10???? Karen and I give 8s, but on the basis of what, I can't be certain.

Last up are Ann and Anton. My resistance is low. They are dancing a samba. I may not survive. I am briefly roused by a moment in VT where Ann refuses to do samba rolls because they are a "most improper" move.

And then they come out on stage.

OH MY GOD. Ann is dressed as Big Bird's busty aunt. And Anton is in trousers that - trousers which are - OH LORD, MY EYES, MY EYES.

They are gold, anyway.

The dance is awful. I know I've been having a sense of humour failure for the last hour or so, but Ann really doesn't do anything for most of the dance, which does lead me to wonder why exactly it is that she can't learn a basic routine, given that she is not in any way mentally or physically disabled. Then, towards the end, Anton grabs her and starts throwing her around in a way that goes beyond funny into completely undignified - think giving an obese child an 'aeroplane' - and ends with Ann on the floor with her skirt above her head, flashing her drawers to the world. All this in canary yellow. I mean no. NO. Just - NO.

Scores: 1, 5, 4, 3. Karen gives it a 4 and I give it a 1.

And that's it. I am barely standing. Et tu, Blackpool.

(This week's knock-out: Felicity and Vincent.)