Strictlywatch 2010: week 2, as long as we aren't counting the first show

It Saturday! It's 5.45! It's, well, it could be a lot of things, depending on where you are, and what you are doing, obviously. But in THIS house it's Strictly Come Dancing!

OK BBC. If you don't want me to slap off Tess Daly every week, stop dressing her in ruched sci fi bin liners. Just a suggestion.

They've just slipped in an announcement I didn't know: there is NO DANCE OFF this year. Good move: far more jeopardy, but it does make me wonder what the hell is going to happen in the results show, which will presumably last longer than ten minutes.

To the dancers! Opening the show are Matt and Aliona. In the training footage, Matt Baker is surrounded by pumpkins. Why does this make him sexier to me? Do I have a latent Halloween fetish? Best not to think about that.

They do a foxtrot to Plan B. Not the rap, for which we may be grateful. It's incredibly sexy, maybe because Matt Baker is so good at leading, maybe because with that hair, Aliona looks a bit like a pumpkin. The choreography is very dramatic although not what I'd recognise as a foxtrot, and there is a terrifying moment at the end when Matt throws himself to the floor on top of Aliona. I'm absolutely on Team Matt, but I hope he doesn't do gymnast stuff every week. There is a risk of naffness, and of overkill.

(While you're getting your breath back, let's welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Judges excited. Alesha says it's the sexiest foxtrot she's ever seen. She is not mistaken, though of course I don't know what foxtrots she's seen.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 - same as last week.

Next up Peter and Erin. I have seen the training footage on It Takes Two. I am not optimistic.

(At this stage I should mention that as I paused the show while I took a call from a friend, I can now fast forward Bruce's links. My enjoyment is thus greatly increased.)

They are dancing a salsa to salsa music. He has something sparkly on his bum. And lime cuffs. And dances like a duck trying to hold in a poo.

Bruce: "Well done Peter, you had a go." Technically, this is true.

Len is being negative. This bodes ill. You have to do very badly to get a bad note from Len, if you are a male sportsman. Alesha just said "I have to commend you on that." Drink!

Scores: 3, 5, 5, 4 - this actually seems rather generous to me

Tina and Jared up next, dancing a foxtrot to Sunny Side Of The Street. They go on one of those training outings to a dance club, which appears to be a swing club, which is a little odd, as they aren't dancing swing.

It's a big step up from their salsa although she is still on the tottery side of the dancing street. I don't seem to have much to say. I think I find them a little dull, though she's still very sweet.

Judges reports mixed. Maybe they feel the same way.

Scores: 6, 6, 7, 7 - I'm with Craig and Len (the 6s) on this one.

Patsy and Robin are next. I have trouble with the fact that Robin and Artem are basically identical, when they're not speaking anyway. There is much emphasis on Patsy spending all her time filming Holby and only having three hours to train. This means they will be rubbish.

Crikee. First thought: it's not bad for three hours. Not rubbish. Lots of energy, very sexy. It gets worse over the routine though. And I think the bit where she shoved her boobs over the judges desk was - shall we be tactful? - somewhat ill judged.

Craig calls the boob shoving "slightly unnecessary". Also being tactful, apparently.

Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7

Oh god. It's Ola and Paul next. And in the training footage they are showing him and Debbie renewing their wedding vows. Oh GOD. Keep an open mind, Phillips.

Foxtrot to When Lady Luck Walks Into The Room. They have gone with a magic theme again. Cards. It is not helping. The dance could be worse. Open mind. Open mind.

For the judges' comments, Paul inserts earplugs. HilARious. Judges actually relatively positive. I will defer to them, as my mind is more closed than Woolworths.

Scores: 4, 6, 6, 5

Next, Scott and Natalie. WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? Before we can have a closer look, there is much tearjerking stuff featuring Scott's granddad and his poor, dead, ballroom-dancing Grandmother.

Sequined jeggings and an under-the-boob cropped shirt. Is what she is wearing. And hoop earrings. And a HEADBAND.

They are dancing a salsa to Let's Hear It For The Boy. Yes indeed. The Boy is good. And the routine is good - Natalie is the best choreographer on the show, I think. The best bit of this is when they are dancing in sync, out of hold. He could be a cont-end-ah.

Judges ecstatic.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 - better than Matt! Team Matt is affronted.

Up next, Michelle and Brendan. This week has to be better than last, because she won't be dressed as the Country and Western Wonder Woman. In training, Kelly Rowland comes to visit. Not Beyonce. Let's not judge.

They are doing a foxtrot to It Had To Be You. There is a bench. I do not approve of this season's props. No, I do not. It's better than last week but Michelle still looks a bit out of control to me.

Judges not very impressed. Len likes the bench.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6 - I think the 7s are a tad high. Michelle could be vulnerable.

Next, Goldie and Kristina. They are dancing a foxtrot, but Goldie is wearing a hat. For the training footage, they are rolling out the mum. Maybe Goldie's mum can get together with Scott's granddad. Strictly sex SCANDAL!

Oh this is not good. Horrible posture, ploddy, and did I mention the hat? Is Kristina being punished for Sergeant-gate by only being given turkeys to dance with? Or is she the new Lilia "the lemon-tamer"?

Craig just used the word "fantastic". What? Len and Alesha also very positive. I am with Bruno, who thought it sucked.

Tess: "I love the way the waistcoat matches the teeth." Not something you hear every day.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6 - overmarked, surely?

Next, Pamela and James doing the salsa. I am really looking forward to this, having had a sneak peek on It Takes Two. In training, Pamela keeps trying to lead. Love it.

OK. I am going to have to describe the opening in detail for those who do not watch Strictly. If any of them have made it this far, seems unlikely, but anyway. James is lying on the judge's desk. Pam is dressed in a white coat with hair up. The song starts with spoken word intro: "Paging Dr Beat." (Pamela is a doctor. They are dancing to Dr Beat. Get it?) Pam comes to get James. Then she spins away, pulling down hair and ripping off labcoat in 'Why Miss Jones, you're beautiful!' moment. THEN they start the dance. Which - oh no! - is enthusiastic and energetic but horribly disappointing, with a terrible and LONG bit when Pamela completely forgets what she is supposed to be doing. Doom! Doom! Doom! Maybe she is overcome with embarrassment by the Why Miss Jones thing, and thus cannot dance.

Pamela: "I warned him, I said James, you shouldn't throw Granny on the floor." I still love her.

Judges wildly enthusiastic. Alesha: "The best salsa of the night". Bruno also. What? This is interesting. I seem to have parted company with the judges completely. Perhaps I have low blood sugar.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8. Baffled.

Now it's Felicity and Vincent's foxtrot. Training footage uses the word "forgot" many, many, many times. Vincent: "I hope she remembers to turn up."

They are dancing to Something Stupid. I genuinely like Felicity's dress. That's it, my judgement is definitely shot to shit. The dance looks good to me, if a little staid after all the drama we've had so far.

Len thinks it is OK. He says OK a LOT. Alesha using awful words like "capable". Bruno slightly less grim: "stately". Craig positive, though notably sticking to technical comments.

Scores: 6, 6, 6, 7. Felicity points out that her friends won't be voting because they are all dead.

Next, Ann and Anton. Dancing a SALSA. Have watched her a bit on It Takes Two, and despite myself, I am finding her straight talking hilarious - eg after long VT where all the celebs talk about the terror of coming down the Strictly staircase, Ann says: "They're just stairs. You learn them when you're three."

This salsa is by some measure the worst dance I have ever seen on Strictly. And that's despite Anton's valiant and funny choreography, starting with Ann scolding him and doing up the buttons of his shirt, and ending with him picking her up and swinging her round in circles. Will they lose points for an illegal lift? Will they be scored points that they can lose? There are no zeros in Strictly, as far as I know.

Crowd goes wild. Judges tactfully emphasise the entertainment factor. Craig: "There is not one word in the English language to describe what ten million people have just seen." Ann also observes the lack of zero in Strictly.

Scores: 1, 4, 4, 3. Double figures. I am amazed.

Next up, Kara and Artem. Rather cruel order; Kara is the anti-Ann. She is made of sex. Also, I may be developing an Artem crush. Lovely eyes. Lovely smile. Smokin' bod. Which makes him the anti-Anton.

Dancing to From Russia with Love. Artem is from Russia. In case you missed that. There are props; I think I am going to have to learn to live with the props. And - oh my god, they are incredible. She is so graceful. I do hope someone says lovely lines. Her lines are lovely.

Judges love it. For a moment, I thought Bruno was speaking Russian. Then I realised that his fake Russian accent was so thick I just couldn't understand what he was saying. Craig says her lines need work. Naturally.

Scores: 7, 8, 9, 8 - Craig has marked this lower than Pamela. Madness.

Now, Gavin and Katya. Gavin is a shy boy and he is dancing the salsa. There could be cuteness ahead.

Cripes, Gavin has his shirt off to practice. And is doing chin ups. Bleedin' 'eck. Much talk about Gavin's good looks in training, mostly from Gavin himself. Am reminded of that bit in A Chorus Line: "Dance ten, looks three." Only it's the other way around.

Salsa begins. Gavin's hips appear to be poured from concrete. But Kat rips his shirt open. So that might be worth a vote or two.

Judges are not dazzled by the chest flash. But ripping clothes off worked for Bucks Fizz.

Gavin: "I'm sure it looked good." Man whose only interest is own appearance = NOT sexy.

Scores: 3, 6, 5, 5 - Len has lost his mind! Quite late in the show, I thought it might not happen. Drink!

Last of all Jimi and Flavia's foxtrot. Oh god. Can Jimi dance topless a la Gavin so we don't have to see his sweaty T shirts? Meanwhile, Flavia has started caning Jimi in training, and thus launches thousands of unexpected S&M fantasies amongst impressionable teens across the land. And some non-teens too, I dare say.

They are dancing to Fever. It is very tango-esque for a foxtrot. I think it's pretty good, but I find Jimi's teeth very distracting. His foxtrot face is not as good as his cha cha face.

Judges very keen. Len says his mark went up and up in his head, which for Len means that he's going to be giving him an eleven.

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 8 - apparently Len has located his mind.

So who goes? It should be Peter Shilton but the public may save him. I'd like to see the back of Paul. But I think the most vulnerable are Goldie and Michelle. How about you? (Not, are you vulnerable. Just - oh, you know.)