Strictlywatch 2010: week, um, whatever. Not sure.

Gearing up for another exciting live blog of Strictly, with a difference! Tonight the blog will be featuring contributions from the Pack Jury: Rhian (mum), Scott (dad, aka @meandmybigmouth), Martha (9) and Ethan (claims 32, actually 11.) We are watching in Casa Pack and I am typing on the smallest keyboard I've ever seen outside of a phone. Also, I can't pause the telly here, so commentary may be brief. And I have to watch Bruce because I can't fast forward. Pity me.

It's only pre-credits and Rhian has already predicted an exit for Michelle if she doesn't pull something spectacular out of the bag. Martha likes Matt and Kara. Ethan: "Oh my god, Tess Daly isn't wearing a curtain" - though personally I don't like the neckline of her dress. It channels funereal sling.

They come down the stairs. We are excited about the tangos and the charlestons - favourite dances for us all. The costumes are awesome. Scott is very excited about Erin's outfit. I am thrilled by Matt's strongman outfit and moustache but Scott reckons he and Aliona (tutu) look like they are out of Lazytown. And we are all stunned that Michelle is dancing with Ian Waite. Why?? This is what happens when I don't watch It Takes Two for a week.

First up, Jimi and Flavia, dancing a Charleston. We love it, even the opening bits with fake windows with bubble wrap curtains. Jimi's charleston faces are magnificent. It's incredibly lively and entertaining and Jimi does a cartwheel. It's not a great cartwheel, but it is, undeniably, a cartwheel.

Len doesn't like the windows. Alesha doesn't mind the windows. We like the windows. But Scott reckons it's a recipe for losing a point from Len 'I hate faff' Goodman. Craig likes the charleston faces. Craig, as ever, speaks wisdom.

our scores: 7, 7, 7, 7, 8 (Martha)
judges' scores: 6, 7, 7, 7

Next up, Scott (not our Scott) and Natalie, doing a tango. We will refer to Strictly Scott as Ssscott, after how Bruno pronounces his name. In opening VT, Ssscott plays one of his trump cards: he has a hilarious son. So does our Scott.

Natalie is dressed as a canary. It's dramatic, well-acted, well-danced, but inevitably pales a bit in comparison with Jimi's entertaining charleston - tangoes are a tad dry in relation. I don't know why I don't like it more than I do. I can tell it's good. Rhian blames the music which comes from some advert. None of us can remember what. Ferrero Rocher? Diamonds? Ssssscottish Widow?

Judges raving. Len: 'Best dance this season'. Bruno fits another few S-ses in Sssssscott's name and also thinks that it's the best dance so far.

Our scores: 9(E), 9(M), 8(Me), 8(S), 9(R)
judges' scores: 8, 9, 9, 9

Now Tina returns after a week with chicken pox. She and Jared will be doing a charleston which should suit them. Her chicken pox scars do not suit her, which of course makes us like her more. They are dancing to music from Bugsy Malone! Noticable frisson from the Pack household.

We are all singing along to 'You Give A Little Love'. Rhian points out that it's quite slow for a Charleston. Tina does a double cartwheel - Scott: 'oh blimey'. Tina does all the moves but doesn't actually dance, I think. Ethan counters that it is impossible to dance in a Charleston. Scott thinks the twiddly bits are good but there isn't enough dancing. Rhian calls it flat.

Alesha says 'this is your dance'. Bruno is with us. Craig is talking but we aren't listening because we have just spotted Billy Connolly in the audience and we need to explain to Martha who Billy Connolly is. I tune back in in time to hear Craig call it fantastic. Craig does not speak wisdom.

our scores: 6(me), 6(E), 7(R), 7(S, with 1 extra point for the pox), 7(M)
judges' scores: 7, 7, 8, 7 - we think Alesha is overmarking. Rhian points out that this is not uncharacteristic.

Next Felicity and Vincent. I met someone this week who told me that in real life Felicity is exactly like Barbara from the Good Life, which pleases me extremely. Felicity is practising with fruit tucked into her legwarmers so that she can tell her feet apart. This answers my question from last week as to what legwarmers are for nicely.

Ethan thinks there's too much faffing at the front. Rhian likes the music. I adore the Argentine stylings in the choreography, especially at the start. But later on it gets a bit stiff. And there is a terrible mistake - I am going to have to dock a point! I am VERY strict. We should all be. IT IS IN THE TITLE. It ends on a snog. We like the snog.

Judges agree with us. Sensible folk.

Our scores: 7, 7, 7, 7, and Scott was making pizza.
Judges' scores: 7, 7, 7, 8 - oh Bruno, you old romantic.

Next up Patsy and Robin. I had forgotten she was in it, which is a bad sign. Patsy is wearing a black bob, and thus looks like someone else completely, which doesn't help. Training footage largely a debate over whether to do funky chicken moves. Patsy wins the debate: there will be no chicken. Clever girl.

They are dancing to music from Chicago, so we can consider this her audition piece. On the basis of this I reckon she could get a prminent secondary role. We are all a bit quiet and say things like "quite good". Objectively I actually think Patsy is better than she seems. Scott thinks it's because she's low in energy; I wonder if maybe she's a bit uncharismatic.

Craig thinks it lost energy. Patsy says "I'm middle aged, darling." Len loves it. Patsy kisses Len. Patsy denies that she is auditioning for Chicago as she claims to be tone deaf. Scott points out that, in that case, purchasers of the Eighth Wonder album should demand their money back.

Our scores: 6, 6, 6, 6, 7(Rhian)
Judges' scores: 6, 8, 7, 7 - 8??? We think Len has lost his mind. Drink!

Next is Gavin and Kat. Gavin reveals that his idol is Peter Andre because of his singing. Only kidding. It's because of his body. This explains a lot. Gavin talks a lot about what he looks like AGAIN. Gavin may be a bit thick.

They are dancing to Toxic but sung in an Amy Winehouse voice. Ethan takes Dave Arch's name in vain by saying they should just play the CD. We watch in silence for a bit and then the collective verdict is that Gavin can't dance. Ethan reckons only the might of the Welsh vote is keeping him in. Ethan is perspicatious.

The judges agree. Gavin may, and will, comfort himself with the thought that he is better-looking than Peter Andre.

Our scores: 5, 5, 5, 5, 5
Judges' scores: 5, 6, 6, 6. Rhian says that Gavin looks like a little boy lost. Yes, but with the body of a celebrity wrestler.

Now it's Peter and Erin doing a charleston. We are all very happy for Scott. Gary Linekar turns up in the VT to big him up. They must be dead worried.

Erin is dancing in seamed stockings, a waistcoat and a bowler hat. When I point out how rubbish Peter is, Scott asks "is Erin dancing with somebody"? According to Scott, it will be their last week, but they have gone out with a bang. He's still talking about Erin's outfit. Best outfit of the series, he reckons. Martha's verdict: "I hope Ann Widdecombe is on next."

Judges hate it. Len likes the outfit.

Our scores: 3, 3, 3, 4(E), 10(Scott: 'My favourite dance of Strictly ever.)
Judges' scores: 2, 5, 6, 4 - 6???? Peter spent the whole dance staring in panic at Erin, maybe because of her outfit, but more likely because he couldn't remember what he needed to do next. Alesha, you're nuts.

Now it's Pamela and James doing a tango. James has grown unspeakable facial hair for the occasion. The Pamela v James tussle for supremacy continues to be a highlight of the series. Billy comes to rehearsals to pick up tips on how to control Pamela. Good luck with that, Billy.

They are dancing to Love Is The Drug. Pamela is dressed as the Quality Street Bet Lynch. It's great: staccatto, great legs (says Scott), dramatic, exciting, wonderful spins.

Bruno loves. Craig says it lost theatricality, Scott agrees, I don't. The only real issue the judges have is with posture.

our scores: 8, 8, 8, 7(Scott: 'not moved by it'), 7(M)
judges' scores: 8, 8, 9, 9 - Scott says this is overscored. Where was the passion?

Now it's Matt and Aliona. Martha and I are particularly excited. Rhian wishes Aliona would lose the pink hair. So say we all. In the VT, Matt has taken Aliona to the farm. She has chosen wellies that match her hair. Whenever they put Matt in a rural setting I get over-excited. Note to self, must re-read Lady Chatterly.

IT STARTS ON A UNICYCLE. And it gets BETTER from there. WE LOVE. WE LOVE. Whole of team Pack grining like idiots. Matt's charleston faces deserve an Oscar. Genius choreography, skillful and hilarious. There's an astonishing bit at the end where they do joint cartwheels. HURRAH!

Judges love and don't really care about the mistakes. There were mistakes? Oh.

our scores: 9s all round, Scott has awarded an entire point for the unicycle.
judges' scores: 9, 9, 9, 8 - Bruno you spoilsport! Audience booing their hearts out.

Now it's Michelle, who, it turns out, is dancing with Ian because Brendan had to go to New Zealand for his dad's funeral, poor bloke. But we all adore Ian. Rhian says that Michelle looks too thin. And so she does.

Maybe it's the tango or maybe it's Ian, but Michelle is dancing her best ever. Ian goes all out with the tango faces to remind us that he should NEVER have been sacked.

Judges are all happy. Huge improvement. Poor Brendan. Michelle says she loves to be held and to have two men. Indeed.

our scores: 7, 7, 7, 7, 8(M) - we are all giving her the benefit of the doubt for having to dance with someone new.
judges' scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 - they all do the Len 7 voice. Bruno's is slightly frightening.

Next Kara and Artem. Artem is in another stupid hat. He does love his stupid hats. Kara takes Artem home to meet parents. They show him the baby photos. Many implications that they are dating. I think the hats belie this theory.

Kara is dancing in a tinsel bikini. It is very well danced but I find the choreography a bit flat. The Packs do not share my feelings.

But the judges do! It's me and the judges against team Pack. Fight! Fight!

Our scores: 8, 8, 8, 8, 8
Judges' scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 - seems like a fight will not be necessary after all

Hurrah! It's Ann and Anton! How did I end up on team Ann? I don't know, but it could have something to do with the fact that she's starting this dance suspended from the ceiling in a winch. Scott: "It like having a sleeping bag full of melons hurled at you at great speed." The rest of the dance is so-so, but SHE WAS SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING IN A WINCH. They dance to THAT tango music. Think of tango music: yes, that music. She is bad, but no worse than Peter.

Craig liked it - until Ann landed. Len says that seeing Ann descending from the sky in a truss was worth half the TV licence.

Our scores: 3(R), 3(M, who says she thinks Ann's getting taller) 4(me - 1 point for the winch), 3(S), 10(E)
Judges' scores: 3, 7 from Len "for entertainment", 6, 5

We all think Peter is to go. Also vulnerable: Michelle, though she may get the sympathy vote and the Ian vote, and Gavin, if he fails to galvanise the Wales vote.

Strictlywatch 2010: week 3

And tonight!! On Strictly!!! One of my favourite dances (the Quickstep) takes on one of the ones I most love to hate (the Rumba). And Tess is wearing a gold-belted scarlet toga. Aah, Saturday night.

First shock of the night: Tina is ill and won't be dancing tonight. OK, shock may be a strong word. Slight departure from expectation. More later - hold on to your hats! (You're all wearing hats, right?)

Returning to things as they should be, opening the show are Kara and Artem. In the training footage, they are working very hard to make it look like they're dating. Do I think they're dating? No I do not.

They are dancing a quickstep to Are You Gonna be My Girl. Do I think Kara is going to be Artem's girl? No I do not. It's oddly jivey for a quickstep, and Kara is wearing a black tie over a lemon yellow prom dress, but it's a good routine and Kara is a great dancer, despite a slightly trippy bit at the edge of the stage which I think is a mistake but will probably turn out to be clever artistry. There's a cartwheel! From Kara! Oh, my lights.

(And while you recover it's a good time to welcome our fabulous singers, Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra.)

Bruno surprisingly critical, but it's all constructive. Craig is calling him picky. Second shock of the evening! I mean slight departure from expectation.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 7 - huge boo for Bruno

Next up, Felicity and Vincent's rumba. In the training footage, Felicity is wearing leg-warmers. What exactly are leg warmers for and why were they only necessary in the eighties?

They are dancing to True Colours. Much more of an attempt could have been made to imitate Cindi Lauper's voice. This way it doesn't sound nearly as hilariously bad as it could. Felicity is wearing a black dress with a boob keyhole so we can all see how well her cleavage is doing. The choreography is very flashy, like if Vincent made a list of everything Felicity could do and just did them all in a row - now the backbend! now the splits! Multo impressivo. But to me it's a bit static in between. At the end, the lights behind them go into rainbow colours. Like a rainbow. Like in the *song*.

Len thinks it's Felicity's best dance and is not mistaken about that. Everyone is talking about flexibility. They are also not mistaken. Bruno and Craig agree with me about the transitions. Perhaps tonight I will be in Strictly harmony? Does seem unlikely.

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 7 - I have only just noticed that Alesha is dressed as a zebra. Although no mask.

Our next dancers are Patsy and Robin. Let me tell you something about the practice footage. Um, well, it isn't very interesting.

They are dancing to that KT Tunstall song that goes Woo Hoo, and Patsy misses the opening beat, so the bit on the raised stage is out of time, although that does temporarily distract me from the weird thing she is doing with her arms. What is the weird thing she is doing with her arms? Looks like she is doing a comedy mime of playing a tiny piano. Not sure if that's the intended effect. Once they get onto the floor proper, Patsy looks like she can't keep up and doesn't know what to do with her head. But it's OK. I am confident that there will be worse dances tonight.

There are many horse references from the judges. That's got to hurt.

Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 - Alesha's 7 is way high.

Now it's time for Paul and Ola. Their training footage looks like something out of Through The Keyhole. Perhaps they could be combined in some way? You have to guess who's dancing next by shots of their weird swirly living room wallpaper and the novelty wine holder in the kitchen. Ola has taken to practising in a funereal shroud. Third slight departure from expectation of the night.

They are dancing to Rihanna's Take A Bow. Wonder if Paul will take a bow at the end? AND THEY HAVE STARTED WITH MAGIC. MAKE IT STOP. Oh god. Now Paul Daniels is wiggling his bum with hands behind head in a manner reminiscent of the Alan Partridge lap dancing episode. BRING BACK THE MAGIC. You know how I said there would be worse dances than Patsy's? Sooner than I thought. Ola has clearly taken a leaf out of Anton's book and tried to make the choreography funny, but it isn't funny. It's just Paul Daniels, turning round in circles with his arms above his head. Ooh, guess what. They did bring back the magic for the ending. By then I didn't want it any more. I am fickle. The end: Paul takes a bow.

Len has just said it was entertaining. I wonder if there was a BIG meeting about entertaining-ness, post-John Sergeant? Alesha: "Oh Paul, you're so sweet, and I love that you're really, really trying." Alesha, he isn't six. Bruno has just challenged the notion that Paul's spin was funny. Bruno and I are telepathic tonight, which is particularly surprising as I'm watching with a half hour delay. Paul is blaming Ola. Not gallant.

Scores: 2, 5, 5, 4 - the 5s are insane.

Up next are Matt and Aliona, which is like last week when they put Kara straight after Ann - very unfair on Paul. Training emphasising Matt being rubbish in training - ie 'please vote for Matt even though he's a gymnast'.

Matt looks terrified at the start. There's a lot of spinning Aliona round on the floor and it doesn't quite look right. Though this may be because Aliona is wearing one giant sleeve the size of the rest of her dress, which is pale pink, making her head look like a maraschino cherry on top of a spinning strawberry sundae. A spinning strawberry sundae with one giant sleeve. But the dance improves, Matt's face improves, and soon there is much smiling, much intricate kicking, and much fun had by all. Well, by me. It's another win to team Matt! And to team sleeve.

Craig and Bruno are more positive than Alesha and Len. This is rare.

Scores: 8, 7, 8, 8 - Len has given this the same score as Felicity's. He has lost his mind! But in the wrong direction! Er... drink?

Now for Gavin and Katya. Doing the rumba, The Dance of Love TM, to 'You Are Always On My Mind'. Bruce makes a joke about them being an item but the training footage suggests quite the opposite. I am scared of Katya.

Katya is dancing in a mid-90s-style floral maxi-dress. It's another slight departure from expectation! (This feature really isn't working out quite the way I hoped.) Oh my god, it is slit to the waist with pink underpants! Hang on, I am supposed to be watching the dancing. But it's hard to, as Katya appears to be using the dress to hide Gavin. Katya and the dress dance very well together.

Len: "The rumba is a difficult dance for a big guy": drink! Alesha says that Gavin feels exposed, but he has a whole floral curtain between him and the audience.

Scores: 3, 6, 7, 6 - a 7, Alesha? What? Why? Is this you trying to assert your individuality?

It should be Tina and Jared dancing next but she's ill, so we're just getting their rumba training footage. In fact it's their chicken pox training video. Shame she won't be dancing, I'd like to see the matching chicken pox outfit. Feathers and spots?

So taking their spot, as it were, are Scott and Natalie. I can't concentrate on the training because I know they are dancing to King of the Swingers from the Jungle Book. I barely have the ability to notice how hideous all Scott's practice T-shirts are.

And it's great. Scott is really, really good. Really, really, really good. And they were dancing to the Jungle Book! In leopard print! And people ask me why I watch this programme!

Judges ecstatic. There will be at least one nine, from Alesha. Partly because today she's handing out 7s for strolling down to the bus stop.

Scores: 8, 8, 9, 9

Now it's Michelle and Brendan. Michelle is having a tough time. Brendan is nice to her.

They are dancing to Wicked Game and Michelle is dressed as Pocahontas. Her first, ah, pose, is awful. Like a small girl pretending to be a ballerina. The rest are a mixed bunch, roughly two bad to one good. I really hate the rumba.

Judges like it more than I do. Not difficult.

Scores: 4, 6, 7, 7

Next it's Peter and Erin. Peter nearly went out last week so they have got Graham Taylor to record some VT to encourage him. Yes. That Graham Taylor. The famous winner.

Immeasurably better than last week. PLUS Erin is in culottes, and they are dancing to the fabulous 'Lullaby of Broadway'. WIN.

Len has offered to show his bum in Tesco if Peter is in the bottom two this week. Other bum-displaying supermarket venues are available.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6

Now it's Jimi and Flavia. I should reveal at this point that I am developing a Jimi crush. He's such a cheerful poppet. This is not part of the crush, but I find it very sweet that on the VT his mum calls him James.

They are doing a rumba to Aint No Sunshine. Before they've even started, Jimi has the best rumba face ever. INTENSE. There is a *lot* more dancing in this rumba than in previous rumbas. Compare Gavin of the 'standing still' school of rumba. I'm not sure how good the dancing is - Jimi still moves like enthusiastic spaghetti - but there are good BITS, and he's so happy! The opposite of old Craig misery-guts who Flavia danced with last year. I heart him. The judges better be nice.

Len is NOT being nice. NOBODY is being nice. JUDGES: YOU ARE MEAN.

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 6 - which means that Alesha has scored him lower than everyone else tonight other than Paul Daniels.

Now Ann and Anton, who are doing a quickstep. They are soundtracking the practice footage with The Runaway Train. Sadly I doubt that's what they are actually dancing to. Could make an 'and she blew' joke here; decide not to.

ANN IS IN A RED FEATHER BOA. And even more than that: IT SUITS HER. She removes it immediately. They are dancing to Putting on the Ritz, and it's a triumph of leadership from Anton, which is to say, it is OK.

Faint praise from judges which is better than no praise at all. I am stealing myself for some insane scoring from everyone other than Craig.

Ann has just told Tess off for talking too much. Scores: 3, 5, 5, 5 - within the bounds of sanity, actually.

Lastly it's Pamela and James. Again, I have seen some of the practice footage on ITT and again I am very excited. I love Pamela who wants to stay in the competition "to shut James up." Watching James be pummeled (pammeled?) into submission is a weekly joy.

For the rumba, Pamela is dressed as a hood ornament dressed as a figure skater. Her dancing, though, is incredible. SHE IS 61 YEARS OLD. At that age, I am hoping to still be able to get up and down stairs. And she's not only good for 61, she is good for any age - graceful, musical, expressive etc. Line up your drinks for the judges saying "best rumba of the night". (Ann Widdecombe is two years older by the way. One is a sex therapist and the other a virgin. Draw your own conclusions.)

A 'fab-u-lous' from Craig. Complaints about the choreography from Len. Bruno is beside himself with praise, another 9? Nobody has said "best rumba of the night" and the drinks are getting warm. Screw it, just have them anyway.

Scores: 9, 8, 9, 9 - holy smoke, a 9 from Craig??

Got to say Pamela is my favourite this week, with Scott up second and lovely Matt only in third. It's our final slight departure from expectation!

And who goes? er.... dare I hope Paul?

Events!

It's that time of the month again. No, not THAT time. The time where I notice that Robbie and Scott have been blogging about events that involve me, and then I remember that I'm supposed to blog about the events that I do too, and then I post a really long and intimidating list of all the things I've got coming up, none of which is relevant to any of you because you all live in Canada.

Hurrah! I LIKE this time of the month.

17th October, the Book Swap on tour: Guildford festival. 3pm at the Electric Theatre. We've got Anne Berry, whose debut novel The Hungry Ghosts is a dark tale of a haunted girl set in Hong Kong as it approaches reunification with China; and Niven Govinden, whose fantastic coming of age story Graffiti My Soul I accidentally left on holiday and haven't finished, much to my genuine distress, and whose We Are The New Romantics is apparently utterly (and enjoyably) filthy, according to Scott.

21st October, the Book Swap at its ancestral home the Firestation in Windsor: the usual deal, starts at 7.45, £5 or cake to enter, and Warren Fitzgerald and Tim Relf on the sofa. I'm getting my mitts on their books tomorrow, but in the meantime, regular swappers will like to know that Tim is the man who always comes up with the best questions: the cat worming question, the Legoland wasp question, and so on. As he won't be able to ask any questions this week I am putting out the call for particularly strange questions to welcome him to the business end of the auditorium.

22nd October, the 14 x 4 charity dinner, again in Windsor. All the details are here, but in essence: it's called 14 x 4 because there are 14 tables at the dinner, you get a 4 course meal, and for every course of the meal you get to share your table with one of 14 authors - ie you eat with 4 authors in all. There will be speeches between courses, of which I am making one, and the authors who are participating but aren't me are Robbie Hudson, Kate Williams, Warwick Cairnes, Tamsyn Murray, Charlie Williams, Tom Reynolds, Patrick Woodrow, Jess Ruston, Aliya Whiteley, Helen Rappaport, Cathy Rogers, Lisa Gee and Josa Young. I think three of those haven't done the book swap (why?? must be rectified) and I can vouch for each and every one of the others as a delightful person to have dinner with. And in fact I've had a sandwich with Lisa Gee too so really there are only two dark horses. Tickets are £45 for four courses plus champagne, and the proceeds all go to the Rainbow Trust charity for sick children.
UPDATE: Having looked at my list of commitments I panicked and passed on speech-making duties to PATRICK WOODROW who is lovely, and a bit of a dish - you will not be missing out.

24th October: another Book Swap, this one for kids. 2pm at the Windsor Firestation. The legendary author of the Mr Gum books, Andy Stanton, will be joining Scott on stage (I will be in the audience - we decided the hosts shouldn't outnumber the guests) and all usual book swap rules apply - except that this one is FREE. It will sell out, though - did I mention that Andy Stanton is the genius who wrote the MR GUM books - so please do book here.

1st November: I'll be telling a story about me at the Let Me Tell You About Me night at the Book Club, 100 Leonard St, London, 7.30pm. The Book Club is some sort of fashionable Shoreditch bar, I believe. I don't know what story I'll be telling yet, but it will be about me. It will almost certainly be about me. Probably. Other guests include Molly Parkin and presumably anyone else they can find with initials MP.

And while we're here, there will be a Portsmouth Book Swap on Friday November 12th, a Windsor Book Swap on Thursday November 18th, and a Kilburn Tall Tales featuring a story from me (if I write it) and definitely more War Horses of Letters on Thursday November 25th. But I'll remind you of all of those nearer the time.

And my editors still think they're getting a manuscript out of me in January! Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. It's sweet, really.

Strictlywatch 2010: week 2 results

I don't think it's a great sign when someone who is completely obsessed with Strictly Come Dancing to the point of blogging about each episode in exhausting (do I mean exhaustive? No I think I really do mean exhausting) detail watches the results show and thinks 'well I don't think I'm going to bother with that again.' But seeing as I did -

Tess Daly looked stunning. Really lovely, flattering dress. Either a case of stopped clock telling the right time twice a day, or the BBC reading my blog really quickly and totally revolutionising their wardrobe policy. I know which I believe. Claudia Winkelman, on the other hand, was dressed as a Victorian baby. Major kudos, BBC, for having two women hosting a prime time show, even if it is only the little sister of Strictly Proper. I'd have liked to see them interact more. Claudia on her own does just fine, but Tess is a straight woman in dire need of a funny partner. Claudia is funny in spades. Let them present together, BBC, oh please. Presenting-wise, the best part of the entire show was the last few seconds when Tess refused to "keeeep dancing" with Claudia.

Other thoughts: spreading the results over the show decreases, rather than increases, tension. The show dancers are pointless, looking lost on the stage and no real fun to watch because nobody knows the personalities behind the dancing. Big error of judgement from the producers. Robbie Williams performs in exactly the same way as I would if I were a pop star, ie not caring much for the usual order of the words, and dancing like a loon. He also looks increasingly like Paul Robinson in Neighbours. Evidence:





And Goldie going was no surprise for those of us expert in the behaviour of Strictly voting audiences.

That's all. This blog, like the results show itself, is both too long and too short, and rather pointless. I think I'll stick to reviewing the main show from now on.

Strictlywatch 2010: week 2, as long as we aren't counting the first show

It Saturday! It's 5.45! It's, well, it could be a lot of things, depending on where you are, and what you are doing, obviously. But in THIS house it's Strictly Come Dancing!

OK BBC. If you don't want me to slap off Tess Daly every week, stop dressing her in ruched sci fi bin liners. Just a suggestion.

They've just slipped in an announcement I didn't know: there is NO DANCE OFF this year. Good move: far more jeopardy, but it does make me wonder what the hell is going to happen in the results show, which will presumably last longer than ten minutes.

To the dancers! Opening the show are Matt and Aliona. In the training footage, Matt Baker is surrounded by pumpkins. Why does this make him sexier to me? Do I have a latent Halloween fetish? Best not to think about that.

They do a foxtrot to Plan B. Not the rap, for which we may be grateful. It's incredibly sexy, maybe because Matt Baker is so good at leading, maybe because with that hair, Aliona looks a bit like a pumpkin. The choreography is very dramatic although not what I'd recognise as a foxtrot, and there is a terrifying moment at the end when Matt throws himself to the floor on top of Aliona. I'm absolutely on Team Matt, but I hope he doesn't do gymnast stuff every week. There is a risk of naffness, and of overkill.

(While you're getting your breath back, let's welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Judges excited. Alesha says it's the sexiest foxtrot she's ever seen. She is not mistaken, though of course I don't know what foxtrots she's seen.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 - same as last week.

Next up Peter and Erin. I have seen the training footage on It Takes Two. I am not optimistic.

(At this stage I should mention that as I paused the show while I took a call from a friend, I can now fast forward Bruce's links. My enjoyment is thus greatly increased.)

They are dancing a salsa to salsa music. He has something sparkly on his bum. And lime cuffs. And dances like a duck trying to hold in a poo.

Bruce: "Well done Peter, you had a go." Technically, this is true.

Len is being negative. This bodes ill. You have to do very badly to get a bad note from Len, if you are a male sportsman. Alesha just said "I have to commend you on that." Drink!

Scores: 3, 5, 5, 4 - this actually seems rather generous to me

Tina and Jared up next, dancing a foxtrot to Sunny Side Of The Street. They go on one of those training outings to a dance club, which appears to be a swing club, which is a little odd, as they aren't dancing swing.

It's a big step up from their salsa although she is still on the tottery side of the dancing street. I don't seem to have much to say. I think I find them a little dull, though she's still very sweet.

Judges reports mixed. Maybe they feel the same way.

Scores: 6, 6, 7, 7 - I'm with Craig and Len (the 6s) on this one.

Patsy and Robin are next. I have trouble with the fact that Robin and Artem are basically identical, when they're not speaking anyway. There is much emphasis on Patsy spending all her time filming Holby and only having three hours to train. This means they will be rubbish.

Crikee. First thought: it's not bad for three hours. Not rubbish. Lots of energy, very sexy. It gets worse over the routine though. And I think the bit where she shoved her boobs over the judges desk was - shall we be tactful? - somewhat ill judged.

Craig calls the boob shoving "slightly unnecessary". Also being tactful, apparently.

Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7

Oh god. It's Ola and Paul next. And in the training footage they are showing him and Debbie renewing their wedding vows. Oh GOD. Keep an open mind, Phillips.

Foxtrot to When Lady Luck Walks Into The Room. They have gone with a magic theme again. Cards. It is not helping. The dance could be worse. Open mind. Open mind.

For the judges' comments, Paul inserts earplugs. HilARious. Judges actually relatively positive. I will defer to them, as my mind is more closed than Woolworths.

Scores: 4, 6, 6, 5

Next, Scott and Natalie. WHAT IS NATALIE WEARING? Before we can have a closer look, there is much tearjerking stuff featuring Scott's granddad and his poor, dead, ballroom-dancing Grandmother.

Sequined jeggings and an under-the-boob cropped shirt. Is what she is wearing. And hoop earrings. And a HEADBAND.

They are dancing a salsa to Let's Hear It For The Boy. Yes indeed. The Boy is good. And the routine is good - Natalie is the best choreographer on the show, I think. The best bit of this is when they are dancing in sync, out of hold. He could be a cont-end-ah.

Judges ecstatic.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 - better than Matt! Team Matt is affronted.

Up next, Michelle and Brendan. This week has to be better than last, because she won't be dressed as the Country and Western Wonder Woman. In training, Kelly Rowland comes to visit. Not Beyonce. Let's not judge.

They are doing a foxtrot to It Had To Be You. There is a bench. I do not approve of this season's props. No, I do not. It's better than last week but Michelle still looks a bit out of control to me.

Judges not very impressed. Len likes the bench.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6 - I think the 7s are a tad high. Michelle could be vulnerable.

Next, Goldie and Kristina. They are dancing a foxtrot, but Goldie is wearing a hat. For the training footage, they are rolling out the mum. Maybe Goldie's mum can get together with Scott's granddad. Strictly sex SCANDAL!

Oh this is not good. Horrible posture, ploddy, and did I mention the hat? Is Kristina being punished for Sergeant-gate by only being given turkeys to dance with? Or is she the new Lilia "the lemon-tamer"?

Craig just used the word "fantastic". What? Len and Alesha also very positive. I am with Bruno, who thought it sucked.

Tess: "I love the way the waistcoat matches the teeth." Not something you hear every day.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6 - overmarked, surely?

Next, Pamela and James doing the salsa. I am really looking forward to this, having had a sneak peek on It Takes Two. In training, Pamela keeps trying to lead. Love it.

OK. I am going to have to describe the opening in detail for those who do not watch Strictly. If any of them have made it this far, seems unlikely, but anyway. James is lying on the judge's desk. Pam is dressed in a white coat with hair up. The song starts with spoken word intro: "Paging Dr Beat." (Pamela is a doctor. They are dancing to Dr Beat. Get it?) Pam comes to get James. Then she spins away, pulling down hair and ripping off labcoat in 'Why Miss Jones, you're beautiful!' moment. THEN they start the dance. Which - oh no! - is enthusiastic and energetic but horribly disappointing, with a terrible and LONG bit when Pamela completely forgets what she is supposed to be doing. Doom! Doom! Doom! Maybe she is overcome with embarrassment by the Why Miss Jones thing, and thus cannot dance.

Pamela: "I warned him, I said James, you shouldn't throw Granny on the floor." I still love her.

Judges wildly enthusiastic. Alesha: "The best salsa of the night". Bruno also. What? This is interesting. I seem to have parted company with the judges completely. Perhaps I have low blood sugar.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8. Baffled.

Now it's Felicity and Vincent's foxtrot. Training footage uses the word "forgot" many, many, many times. Vincent: "I hope she remembers to turn up."

They are dancing to Something Stupid. I genuinely like Felicity's dress. That's it, my judgement is definitely shot to shit. The dance looks good to me, if a little staid after all the drama we've had so far.

Len thinks it is OK. He says OK a LOT. Alesha using awful words like "capable". Bruno slightly less grim: "stately". Craig positive, though notably sticking to technical comments.

Scores: 6, 6, 6, 7. Felicity points out that her friends won't be voting because they are all dead.

Next, Ann and Anton. Dancing a SALSA. Have watched her a bit on It Takes Two, and despite myself, I am finding her straight talking hilarious - eg after long VT where all the celebs talk about the terror of coming down the Strictly staircase, Ann says: "They're just stairs. You learn them when you're three."

This salsa is by some measure the worst dance I have ever seen on Strictly. And that's despite Anton's valiant and funny choreography, starting with Ann scolding him and doing up the buttons of his shirt, and ending with him picking her up and swinging her round in circles. Will they lose points for an illegal lift? Will they be scored points that they can lose? There are no zeros in Strictly, as far as I know.

Crowd goes wild. Judges tactfully emphasise the entertainment factor. Craig: "There is not one word in the English language to describe what ten million people have just seen." Ann also observes the lack of zero in Strictly.

Scores: 1, 4, 4, 3. Double figures. I am amazed.

Next up, Kara and Artem. Rather cruel order; Kara is the anti-Ann. She is made of sex. Also, I may be developing an Artem crush. Lovely eyes. Lovely smile. Smokin' bod. Which makes him the anti-Anton.

Dancing to From Russia with Love. Artem is from Russia. In case you missed that. There are props; I think I am going to have to learn to live with the props. And - oh my god, they are incredible. She is so graceful. I do hope someone says lovely lines. Her lines are lovely.

Judges love it. For a moment, I thought Bruno was speaking Russian. Then I realised that his fake Russian accent was so thick I just couldn't understand what he was saying. Craig says her lines need work. Naturally.

Scores: 7, 8, 9, 8 - Craig has marked this lower than Pamela. Madness.

Now, Gavin and Katya. Gavin is a shy boy and he is dancing the salsa. There could be cuteness ahead.

Cripes, Gavin has his shirt off to practice. And is doing chin ups. Bleedin' 'eck. Much talk about Gavin's good looks in training, mostly from Gavin himself. Am reminded of that bit in A Chorus Line: "Dance ten, looks three." Only it's the other way around.

Salsa begins. Gavin's hips appear to be poured from concrete. But Kat rips his shirt open. So that might be worth a vote or two.

Judges are not dazzled by the chest flash. But ripping clothes off worked for Bucks Fizz.

Gavin: "I'm sure it looked good." Man whose only interest is own appearance = NOT sexy.

Scores: 3, 6, 5, 5 - Len has lost his mind! Quite late in the show, I thought it might not happen. Drink!

Last of all Jimi and Flavia's foxtrot. Oh god. Can Jimi dance topless a la Gavin so we don't have to see his sweaty T shirts? Meanwhile, Flavia has started caning Jimi in training, and thus launches thousands of unexpected S&M fantasies amongst impressionable teens across the land. And some non-teens too, I dare say.

They are dancing to Fever. It is very tango-esque for a foxtrot. I think it's pretty good, but I find Jimi's teeth very distracting. His foxtrot face is not as good as his cha cha face.

Judges very keen. Len says his mark went up and up in his head, which for Len means that he's going to be giving him an eleven.

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 8 - apparently Len has located his mind.

So who goes? It should be Peter Shilton but the public may save him. I'd like to see the back of Paul. But I think the most vulnerable are Goldie and Michelle. How about you? (Not, are you vulnerable. Just - oh, you know.)

Music Monday EXTRA! On a Friday

I hate washing up. Which is why I have a dishwasher. But for reasons that are not exactly too lengthy to explain, but would lure me into an orgy of cursing my plumber and my electrician that I fear I would never emerge from, I can't use my dishwasher at the moment, so I have been reduced to washing all my dishes by hand. The only way to survive - aside from stacking the dirty dishes very neatly so that they don't look as threatening - is to listen to the radio while washing up. And so, this morning, cleaning up after dinner for four last night, I discovered - thanks to Huey on 6 music - the absolutely perfect music for washing up to. You can boogie as you scrub, it's full of resentment, and it even has housework-related lyrics. It's A Town Called Malice (do do do do do do!):

Music Monday on a Thursday (so sue me)

If anybody out there is thinking of marrying me, and who knows what the future might hold, you'd better be rich and like the Baseballs.

As I have never met anyone else who had heard of the Baseballs*, I will have to assume that opinion is divided. On the one hand, they are a German rockabilly band who do cover versions of chart hits. On the other hand, they are a German rockabilly band who do cover versions of chart hits. I saw them live last night at the Islington Academy which was packed to the rafters with shrieking girls in 1950s dresses, bright red lippy and high ponytails. Up on stage there were a lot of leather jackets and quiffs, curling lips and swinging hips, and lame German humour about trying to order a Big Mac when you have a funny accent. The whole thing could have been a cringe-inducing disaster IF the boys weren't charmingly modest (genuine delight that the crowd did scream when requested to do so), IF the band weren't white hot (some of the best drumming and double bass playing I've seen in years) and IF the orchestrations weren't so utterly convincing. Basically, the Baseballs are the best wedding band that you can't afford to book for your wedding, hence my future fiance now needing to be a little more full of pocket than before.

To help you imagine my wedding, here's The Baseballs performing Crazy in Love for a brilliantly enthusiastic stripy-shirted, wacky-be-glassed DJ of the foreign persuasion. Song kicks in about 1 minute in:



*Apparently the Baseballs have appeared on Magic Numbers on ITV1, but I have also never met anyone who has ever watched Magic Numbers on ITV1.

Strictlywatch 2010: secondary sort-of launch show (part two)

On reflection, not voting in this first week is starting to look smart: after next week we'll have seen everyone dance both ballroom and Latin and have a better idea of who's got the dancing chops and who hasn't. Then we will vote for the person we like best / fancy most / want to see humiliate themselves again, as usual.

Enough kvetching and on with the show!

For night two Tess has changed from her black lace-trimmed minidress with built-in sleeve-cape into an asymmetrical purple dress threatening to throw out one of her boobs, and a long necklace probably worth thousands which looks like it came out of a cracker. Possibly an improvement.

Launching tonight's installment is Jimi Mistry and Flavia, who will be dancing a cha cha cha to some young person's music I don't recognise. Jimi wringing the sweat out of his t-shirt in training may be one of the most revolting things I've ever seen.

Jimi is very floppy. Very. It is like watching sparkly spaghetti in a salad spinner. But he is dancing it, which is better than when the men walk around like mobile poles for the female pros to gyrate around. He also has excellent dancing faces, and you know how I love a dancing face. He has potential.

(And while you get your breath back, let's welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Len: "There was nothing adequate about that cha cha cha." I think he means that in a nice way. Close-ups while the judges speak reveal more Jimi sweat. Roll that boy in Right Guard and powder. And talc. And sand. The judges are still speaking, I think.

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7

Next, Peter Shilton and Erin Boag, dancing a waltz to Take It To The Limit. I don't know much about Shilton but he seems like a nice chap. I'm not sure a pressed shirt and formal trousers are the best clothes to be practising in, but what do I know.

It's OK. Posture not great, but he definitely has some musicality.

While Alesha patronises Peter, I notice for the first time a sparkly football on the pocket of his jacket. All of the judges are negative, though kind. He's too nice to be nasty to. I like Craig's use of the word "potholeish". Len has just said it lacked musicality. What can I tell you, I'm a pro.

Scores: 4, 6, 6, 5

Next up, Michelle Williams dancing a cha cha cha with Brendan to some more young person's music. Good lord, was that her shrieking? How very un-British.

WTF? Starting on the bridge above the stairs? This series is gimmick-tastic. She is less good than I expected. Uncontrolled. And she has giant hands. Lots of personality though. Almost as much personality as fingers.

Bruno agrees with me. Which makes up for the musicality thing. They all agree with me. Alesha has just said her catchphrase! "For that I commend you." Drink!

Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 - seriously Alesha, 7?

Next, Gavin Hastings and Kat, doing a waltz to You Light Up My Life. Kat is brunette these days. Not sure about that. Gavin is cute. Sure about that. Gavin comes across as sweet but very shy. Forthcoming journey alert!

Gavin is a bit stiff - when he moves Kat's heads with his hands, he looks like he is going to snap it off - but he is so, SO much better than when they did that group dance in the launch show. Journey! Journey! Journey!

As Craig goes astonishingly easy on him, I notice the sparkly rugby symbol (? I assume that's what it is - some kind of feathery symbol - maybe it's a Wales thing) on his jacket pocket. Jacket pockets are clearly going to be big with the Strictly wardrobe designers this season. Len has just said how much harder it is for a celebrity male to dance - drink! Judges all raving. Interesting. I can never bloody tell with the waltz.

Scores: 6, 8, 7, 7 - Len has lost his mind. Drink!

Now, Tina O'Brien and Jared Murillo, who is the new Brian Fortuna, was in High School Musical, and is wearing a bow tie and comedy glasses. I am worried. Aside from the fact that he was born in the USA, 'Born In The USA' could not be less appropriate intro music for Jared. Imagine Bruce Springsteen. Now imagine the opposite. Hello, Jared. They are dancing a cha cha cha to California Girls.

Oh GOD. He is reading a sequined Strictly "physics" book. ENOUGH WITH THE PROPS, STRICTLY PEOPLE. She is wearing a nightdress. This cannot go well. And it doesn't, really. She smiles charmingly and walks around a lot, but she isn't exactly dancing.

Judges are full of meh. Nobody likes the choreography.

Scores: 5, 7, 6, 6 - Len clearly hasn't got his mind back yet.

And now the one everyone's been been waiting for - Ann Widdecombe and Anton. Everyone other than me, anyway. I wonder what it's like knowing you are only on the show to provide comic relief? And that's just Anton. Wikipedia reminds me that Ann Widdecombe opposed abortion, supported Section 28, supported women serving custodial sentences being chained and shackled to hospital beds while giving birth, and converted to Catholicism when the Church of England allowed the ordination of women, so excuse me if I opt out of bestowing her national treasure status just because she's on a dance show. I know, I know, sense of humour FAIL. They are waltzing to something with Cherie in the lyrics, which may be a hilarious nod to the Blairs.

Bruce tells a Miliband brothers joke that is actually funny - "We wanted to have them on, but they insisted on dancing together and couldn't agree on who was going to lead."

She's really not at all good, but she makes her way through the routine without any major mistakes. Samuel Johnson once commented of a dancing dog that it might not always do it wonderfully well but it is a miracle it can do it at all, and that largely seems to fit the audience response to seeing Ann move around the floor. There's a bit of Susan Boyle-itis going on - why are we still surprised that old, overweight women are capable of demonstrating any ability to do anything?

Alesha tells Ann she looks lovely. She does, actually. Very good hair. Bruno has just compared her to a ship. I love Bruno. Craig: "All a bit local authority... I was seriously concerned about Anton's health and safety". Len has just compared her to a Nazi goose-stepper, but nobody appears to have noticed.

Scores: 2, 5, 5, 5 - crikee, even I think a 2 is a bit excessive.

Lastly, Kara Tointon and Artem Chigvintsey (had to copy that off the screen), doing the cha cha cha to young person's music, the only bit of which I recognise is the sample from Lionel Ritchie's All Night Long. It appears I am losing touch. I was all prepared to be jealous of Kara's stunning good looks, but she giggles a lot in training, so that's fine. I am easily won over.

Kara is an underwear model which might explain why she is dancing in a leopard-print swimsuit, slit to the waist, with a small pointed apron between her legs, and a leather choker, cuffs and random leather straps. Or maybe it's to distract from the fact that Artem is in a hooded leather waistcoat with no shirt. Kara is super sexy, and the choreography is somewhat S&M, hence all the leather. She's very good, although she does fall over early on, which isn't ideal. She'll be able to rival Matt Baker, which is good news, though I am, of course, on team Matt.

Bruno: "Cat woman, come and take me." Judges all in raptures.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 7

But that's not all folks! Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow, singing, on stools, on a giant blue disc, in a field of stars! I haven't heard this song before. It isn't very good. Tell you what though, it could be hugely improved by the addition of some group formation ballroom dancing. But no group formation ballroom dancing is forthcoming. Come on! This is the only show where group formation ballroom dancing can be plausibly tacked onto a male menopause duet, and you are missing your chance! We may as well be watching X Factor!

And that's it. Ah well. Roll on next week! There will be group formation ballroom dancing, and we'll get to vote them out!

Keeeeeeeeep oh whatever.

Strictlywatch 2010: secondary sort-of launch show (part one)

Contestants READY! Gladiators READY! You know, I can't believe it took me all these years to realise that my the simple expedient of bringing my laptop downstairs I could live blog Strictly Come Dancing. I have always resisted having my computer and the television in the same room because it's a bit much, like chocolate AND ice cream. What, you mean that's also allowed?

It's another semi-false start for Strictly, as this week we can watch all the contestants dance but we can't vote yet. I'm concerned this may prove to be a bit of a damp squib, but on the other hand I like that next week we'll be able to see who's improved and vote accordingly, and be able to build up a real head of steam about the people we hate. Yes: I am looking forward to some unadulterated, sequin-clad loathing. (Clearly, sequin cladding is not adulteration in this context.) This may say something about me, but let's not dwell on it. Because it's time for.....

Not at all sure about these new-style computerised opening credits. (I am sure. I am sure they are shit.)

The intros are always intriguing. Is the fact that TV and movie actor Jimi Mistry is refered to as just 'movie actor' a sign of a big ego, pushy agent, or desperation for glamour from the producers? Is it patronising to refer to a woman in her 60s (Pamela Stephenson) as "Funny Girl"?

But ooh! Ooh! First up is Felicity Kendal! With Vincent! Dancing a Cha Cha Cha to 'Sunny'. Oh look, people are tweeting about this. Jojo Moyes has just said that facial fillers should be banned... I think she looks OK but I am VERY Felicity-loyal. So it's just as well she's good - a few mistakes but lots of free movement and cheekiness - even when dressed as Tweetie Pie.

(While we get our breath back let's just welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Mixed reviews from Len and Craig. Thumbs up from Bruno. Alesha is unbelievably patronising, Felicity is old enough to be her mum. "Sex Kitten"? "Babe"? WTF?

Scores: 4, 5, 7, 7

Next up, Scott Masden and Natalie Lowe, dancing a waltz to 'I aint never loved a man the way that I love you...' - whatever that song is called. According to Scott Pack: "I have never seen this man before in my life." I'm astonished he is not more familiar with Soap's Sexiest Male TM. Sexy, maybe. Irritating, certainly, according to this training footage.

Irritating and good. Damn. Too stiff around the shoulders but that's it. Natalie is a brilliant choreographer though, I remember that from last year.

Lots of sexiness talk from the judges. It was sexy. Damn. Damn. I hate the irritating + sexy combination. It confuses a girl.

Scores: 6, 7, 8, 8 - bit early to be breaking out the 8s, people.

Next: Goldie and Kristina. This could be a dangerously likeable combo. Ooh, a little pic of him and Pierce Brosnan! Always a pleasure. Loving Goldie the mummy and Goldie with tits in the into footage.

Kristina is dancing the cha cha cha in a sequined leather sports bra and miniature striped grass skirt. It almost detracts from the fact that Goldie is pretty average: cheerfully grinny but stiff and lots of mistakes. Third year with a lemon: maybe Kristina isn't a very good teacher.

Criticism from the judges: they are not wrong, particularly Craig, who appears to have been told by the producers to be even meaner than usual. Looshine on Twitter speculates that Goldie is the new Tuffers: she may well be right, except I fancy Tuffers, and Goldie looks like he washes. (Should be mutually exclusive, sadly not.)

Scores: 3, 6, 6, 5. Len has scored this higher than Felicity's. Len: you are mistaken.

And now, Patsy Kensit and Robin Windsor, waltzing. New dancer. Patsy talking about her lack of confidence and hinting at flirtation already. She knows where the votes come from.

It's not bad but it's not great either. Patsy looks terrified.

Craig has pointed out Patsy's bottom sticking out. This is my favourite of Craig's repertoire of criticisms. Alesha has told Patsy she looks beautiful, which she tells everyone older than her. "You look beautiful"... for your age.

Scores: 4, 6, 6, 6, The scores of the beast. Really don't know what Len has against Felicity.

Next: Matt Baker and Aliona, cha cha cha to Aint No Mountain High Enough. We all hated Aliona last year, when she was on with Rav. I wonder if she'll turn it around this series? Oooooh I like his accent. And his grin. And the fact that he just said picking up a sheep was like a ballroom hold. Strictly crush alert! Oh he has just compared Aliona to a farm animal. Love him.

Wellies. Binoculars. WTF? Is this panto? OK, those acrobatics are just showing off. Len will hate that. And Aliona is in a bikini with a tiny tartan apron. Oh my god. The hip movement is making me blush. If only Arlene were still here. Oh my god. He is seriously good. And hot. Audience has gone mad.

Judges love it. Bruce keeps making lovely hose jokes. Please stop.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8. 7 unbelievably high from Craig at this stage. Mrs Trefusis has just said that Matt Baker looks like a lost Miliband brother. Not wrong. I quite fancy Miliband D.

Next up, Pamela Stephenson and James, dancing the waltz to Alesha Keys. Billy Connolly is in the training room! Playing the ace too soon methinks.

Despite being dressed as a turquoise Disney princess, Pamela is very graceful and has great timing and is really dancing beautifully. Could this year be stolen by the older woman? (And Matt Baker)?

Judges raving.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 - neck a neck with Baker!

Oh god. Paul Daniels and Ola Jordan next. Cha cha cha. I do NOT like magic. Not a lot. Not at all.

Oh god. It's a magic theme. He just made her appear in a box. They are dancing to Could It Be Magic. I DO NOT LIKE MAGIC. He is singing along. I do not like repetition of 'come' in context of Paul Daniels. Also, he is a lousy dancer.

Bruno: 'Could It Be Tragic.' Craig: 'Best part was the empty box'. Sorry, was that a 'tasting sausages' joke from Paul? Homophobic abuse, nice. (If I heard right. Maybe I didn't. Can't quite believe it.) He should make himself disappear. Len bafflingly positive.

2, 5, 5, 4.

Peter Bradshaw has just confirmed it was an oral sex joke referencing sausages. DANIELS OUT.

And there we have it! In conclusion: Matt Baker can file my country any time.

Keeeeeeeep dancing!