Strictlywatch 2010: Semi Final Strictstravagganza Part One!

Some people might say that reviewing the Strictlymatic Semi Final Extravaganza Part One featuring The Swingathon TM when I have just come in from a night of mulled wine, carols and Bavarian beerhall madness is an act of reckless foolishness. To these people I say: YOU HAVE NO VISION.

Let's launch straight in, shall we?

Pamela and James are first on the floor. Literally, it seems, judging by the VT, in which Pamela spends the majority of the time sprawled on the ground.

They are dancing a Paso Doble to Bad Romance - genius song choice. Pamela's dress, and I want to capture this precisely, is a combination of satanic prostitute, medieval barmaid, and mock Tudor semi-detached house. I like the dance a lot. It's one of the campest I've ever seen, and their Paso faces are priceless. Gaga ooh la la!

Len loves. Alesha adores. Bruno's bonkers. Craig complains.

Scores: 8, 9 ,9, 9 and 9 from me.

Next up are Kara and Artem. The dances they've been given for this crucial semi-final stage are the Rumba and the Viennese Waltz. My most hated dance and my most boring one. Poor Kartem. Still, Viennese Waltzes do tend to get the tens out of the judges.

They're doing the Viennese Waltz (or V-Wal, as it's known in the Hip Hop community) tonight, to Stop. It is, you will not be remotely surprised to hear, exquisite, because Artem could make a boy scout tap dancing on a phone book interesting, and Kara could make trudging through mud in wellington boots elegant. There's a fair bit out of hold, and a spin at the end that verges on a lift, so I wonder if Len is going to have another one of his hissy fits. Let's see, shall we?

Oh it's Craig who has the hissy, about the spin / lift - spift? Len is *nuts* about it.

Sores: 9, 10, 10, 10 and 10 from me, spift be damned.

And now it's time for Gavin and Katya. In the VT, Gavin describes himself as 'just on the outside of the top four', in the same way that I am just on the outside of the Booker longlist.

They are doing the samba, to Bamboleo. Katya - dressed as Carmen Miranda crossed with a shower curtain - dances brilliantly, with fabulous samba faces, flamenco touches, and an astonishing lift / jump - lump? No, jift - at the end. Alas, Katya is not being judged tonight. Gavin is. And Gavin is not good. Walky walky walky, bum to the left, bum to the right. Wales: just leave him be.

Is there a dance that Len has not claimed to be the hardest for a male dancer? It's the turn of the samba tonight.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 and I think I will give a 7 - after all the bum did go to the left, and to the right.

Now for Scott and Natalie. In the VT, Natalie claims that Scott is the best partner she has ever danced with. Nobody tell Ricky Whittle. At this crucial semi-final stage, *they* have been given the Charleston and the Argentine Tango, maybe the two most entertaining dances there are. I think Kartem should have a word with the producers.

Tonight is the turn of the Argentine Tango. Scott is wearing a hat for the occasion. The way he puts the hat on is the highlight of the routine, which is heavily lift-reliant. Like last week, Scott's contribution is good enough, but Natalie does the bulk of the dancing. Scott is not the best partner she has ever danced with.

Craig says he loved it, and proceeds to rip it to shreds. His comment about Scott failing to lead is spot-on.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 and 8 from me.

Lastly, Matt and Aliona. Matt appears to think his naked desperation to win is endearing. It isn't. I can't wait to see him knocking out all his opponents in the swingathon, though. Let the breaking of bones commence!

But first, the salsa. Which may be my least favourite of Matt's dances, as it turns out. Lots of basic steps, and lots of feeling up of Aliona's torso. Ugh.

Len's with me. Alesha's with me. Bruno's with me. And Craig's with me. Bruno mentions that the salsa needs flirting, which may explain why these two are so dismal at it.

In interview with Tess, Matt is thoroughly depressed and monosyllabic. Which makes me like him again. What can I tell you, I'm perverse.

Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7 and 8 from me. I really should have given Gavin a 6.

AND NOW AT LONG LAST, THE SWINGATHON!!!!!!!!!!

I am PROPERLY excited about this. A brief explanation: they all swing dance at the same time, the judges send the couples off one by one, the last (wo)man standing is the winner, and it's a brilliant opportunity for truly competitive couples to "accidentally" stamp on their opponents' ankles. We want to see lifts, we want to see tricks, says Len. I want to see violence. BRING IT.

Um. It's pretty good. You can't see anything, basically. Mass couple dancing = not designed for television. Ah well. Also, NOBODY hits ANYBODY. Pfft. I recommend hiring 'Grease' and watching 'Born to Hand Jive' instead.

Judges' elimnations, from sinner to winner: Gavin, Scott, Pamela, Matt, Kara.

I'm exhausted. Just as well there isn't another day of this tomorrow. What's that? THERE IS?

Bleedin' 'eck. I'd better go to bed.