Strictlywatch 2010: Semi Final Strictsravaganza Part Two!

For part two, we have guest judges: bro, sister-in-law (henceforth 'sil') and mum. Mum's very first comment is "I like her dress." Of Tess. Tonight will be very different.

The couples come down the stairs. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. SCOTT IS DRESSED AS A SAILOR. Bro changes allegiance immediately, but swaps straight back when he sees Kara. I am not alone on Team Kartem. We may have slightly different reasons for supporting them, though.

First up, is Scott. Scott who is dressed as a sailor. My brother has already given him an extra point.

They dance a Charleston to Anything Goes. 'Disaster' says my bro. 'Rather nice' says my mum. This follows the pattern of Scott and Natalie's recent dances whereby Natalie works her arse off and Scott... doesn't. It's not playful. Natalie doesn't do playful. She does intensely competitive stripper. That doesn't exactly scream 'Charleston'.

Judges love. We are baffled.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9, Bro 6, sil 7, Mum 7 (on the basis that 'at some points he was just standing there doing nothing') and 6 from me.

Next up Kara and Artem. They are going to be doing a rumba. A rumba. Yes. I suppose it had to happen. I will be very interested to see if Kara and Artem's magic touch can do ANYTHING with a rumba. Earlier, both my mother and my brother have demonstrated rumbas to me. Alas, I did not film the results. You will have to imagine. My brother's was more hip-based. My mother's more, ah, gyratory. My mother, I might add, has never watched Strictly before.

It's stunning. Stench of cheese about the whole thing, of course, but what can they do: it is a rumba. (Although, my mother: 'to me, that is not a rumba'. No explanation forthcoming.) Drowning the whole thing in dry ice is the ballroom dancing equivalent of studding it with maroschino cherries. Kartem can do no wrong - oh, except - Kara lifts her feet off the floor for a split-second: 9 from Craig.

Judges love. Craig mentions the "lift".

Scores: 9 (boos), 10, 10, 10, and 10s from us all, because we are SANE.

Bruce's next link ("My impression of a duck" - and then ducks) is described by sil as like something my younger niece would say. My younger niece is 7.

Now for Matt and Aliona. Can they redeem themselves after last night's horror?

YES THEY CAN. It is BRILLIANT. This is EXACTLY what we want from Matt. Sexy Matt is back! Even my bro fancies him (a bit). Sil says it's her best dance of the night. Matt has grown stubble! And is doing tango faces! I even like the choreography! For one hideous moment I think that Aliona ("Jaffa lady" - bro) is wearing the CULOTTES OF DOOM but bro points out that it's a staticky dress. Phew! But now I am imagining Aliona getting electric shocks all the way through the dance. Perhaps Matt has bribed wardrobe.

Judges keep making military references. Bruno calls him a South American dictator. Yes, but in a HOT way. (Also, could we get a South American dictator for next season? Would make a diverting change, and not such a huge leap from Widdy.)

Scores: 9, 10, 10, 9, bro 10, mum 10 (even though Madonna's 'Hung Up' is "not tango music"), sil 10 and me 10

Next up Gavin and Katya. "The Welsh Tintin," says Bro.

It's a V-Wal. We are mainly mesmerised by Katya's dress - the "tent" (mum) - the "shuttlecock" (bro.) Meanwhile, Gavin is stiff.

Craig dislikes. Katya answers back - she's the female James Jordan, says bro. This seems harsh. Len likes, but Len always likes the male sportsman. I imagine him spending sweaty, furtive nights alone with the Sun sport pull-out. I imagine this so that you don't have to.

Scores: 6, 9 ("OH COME ON LEN YOU GIT" - bro), 8, 8, 7 from bro, 6 from me, 7, from mum ("it didn't do anything for me - nothing exceptional in any way" - my mum is a better judge than Len), 6 from sil. Tess refers to Gavin as "A Welsh Dragon" - DRINK!

Last up, Pamela and James. Mum: "She looks older than 61." I wish my mum watched Strictly more often.

It's a quickstep - yay! - to Stepping Out. They start in matching top hats and tails, and then - double yay! - Pam rips off her jacket and unrolls a skirt made from purple streamers. Cheers all round. Dance-wise, my mother loves it. My bro is torn. It's great but it doesn't quite set him alight. We all dig the tap section but we're not sure whether the actual tap noises are just sound effects from Dave Arch, the singers and his wonderful orchestra.

Judges rave. Alesha says that Pamela is a winner, which sil points out is a rare foray into words she hasn't used before.

Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 - 10 from mum ("I'll give her a 10 for being a granny as well"), 10 from sil, and 9s from bro and me.

We all agree that Gavin is going. Scott should be the other, but we fear for Matt.

Now it's all over - five members of Take That = one fat lady singing.


[Bro here - Sis getting rather excitable about Robbie W's audience participation. THANK YOU MANCHESTER!]