Strictlywatch 2010: oh, you count the weeks

As the opening credits play I am literally walking through the door into my friend Sally's flat - which means there will be - YES!! - guest opinions and NO!! time to pause so will be blogging VERY!! fast.

First up Kara and Artem! According to the Strictly gossip site I've been on, it isn't them who are at it - it's Gavin and Tina. So now I can concentrate on the dancing. I am sure they are relieved. They will also be relieved that they don't have to dress as Sarah Brightman and Michael Ball this week. In the trainning footage, Kara is pre-menstrual. They don't actually say that. But I'd put money on it.

Sally and I are both stunned by the dance. It is INCREDIBLE. Best salsa since Mark Ramprakash - better than Ramps maybe even? Is these possible? Kara does these astonishing cartwheels over Artem's head, landing between his legs. I'd go so far as to say we're in shock.

Judges ecstatic. And quite right too. Bruno says that there was a mistake. We block our ears.

Scores: 9, 9, 9, 9 - Sally and I are APPALLED. Sally points out that Ssssscott's waltz last week was NO WAY bettwe than that. We both give 10s, naturally.

Now it's Pamela and James. We talk through most of the VT but we like the bit where James puts gaffer tape over Pamela's mouth.

This dance, a foxtrot, is also excellent. Though Sally says she is missing the wow factor, and that she (Sally) is fickle and shallow. I love it. They have such great chemistry and it's a classic routine to a classic song (Let There Be Love.) And Pamela has good dancing faces. You get an extra point from me for good dancing faces.

Judges offer qualified enthusiasm. We do not approve of Craig denigrating the cheesiness. Strictly is all about cheese.

Scores: 8, 9, 8, 8, a 9 from me and an 8 from Sally. Sally says there shouldn't be any 10s till a few weeks' time, having already forgotten she just gave one.

Next up, Felicity and Vincent (who were in the bottom two last week.) We talk all the way through the VT again.

Hard to write anything about their Paso Doble (to Carmen), mesmerised as we are by the post-dance moment when Vincent rips off his top and drags Felicity across the floor back to the judges by the ankle. But it was a good dance (with good Paso faces) that suited Felicity. Things that did not suit Felicity: the rotting length of yellow rope they have attached to the back of her head as a "plait".

Judges warm. Sally points out that Felicity has the best dress again.

Scores: 6, 8, 7, 8 and Sally and I both want to give her a 7.5 so we are giving a 7 and an 8 between us.

Now it's Jimi and Flavia. They wheel out Jimi's daughter for the VT so they must think they're at risk of going home. Jimi and Flavia visit her school and the kids all think they are shit. His daughter is mortified. Hilarious.

The dance, a quickstep, is terrific, particularly the opening - fantastic and funny choreography from Flavia. Genius dancing faces again. The standard is ridiculously high this week. We are fully entertained.

Craig is negative, so much so that Bruno stands up and complains. Go Bruno. Everyone else loves it.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 9 and 9s from us - we cannot argue with the entertainment.

I've only just had time to notice Tess's hot pink toga. Oh Tess. No.

Now it's Matt and Aliona, dancing the Viennese Waltz. I hate the Viennese Waltz. Both Sally and I reckon if we tried to dance it we would throw up, and Matt would seem to agree.

The dance begins ludicrously with a whole load of business around a swing, where they keep hitting the ropes, because they practised around a chair (I saw the training footage online.) Sally reckons the producers just had a swing lying around and asked if they'd mind using it. After the swing bit it is suddenly brilliant, but they go back to the swing for the end. God, no. LEAVE THE SWING. They are losing a point from me for the swing. They danced to 'They Call Me The Wild Rose' - because Aliona has pink hair?

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9, 8 from Sally, and 9 from me, which would have been a 10, had it not been for the SWING, FFS.

Can't help but notice they have left all the crap people for the second half.

And as if by magic, it's Sally's favourites, Ann and Anton next. Doing a Charleston. RESULT. The training footage is hilarious. Ann and Anton are the best double act since Laurel and Hardy.

It begins and ends in Sepia - nice touch. More valliant comedy choreogrpahy from Anton. Ann looks like the Queen Mother playing aeroplanes. We both love the final kissing of Craig's photograph. Craig looks APPALLED. I'm not sure I can describe Ann's dances, I think you need to watch them on Youtube, they are something beyond.

Judges starting to lose their sense of humour. Craig says that the double bounce action was missing entirely. I noticed a fair bit of double bouncing myself.

Scores: 2, 6, 5, 4, 5 from me - Ann really does perform, even if she doesn't, technically, dance - and 6 from Sally. She is still laughing long after it ends.

Now it's Michelle and Brendan. I wonder if they can build on their great jive last week? We see a clip of Michelle singing the National Anthem (American, natch) at the NFL game, which reminds us what she's really good at.

They are dancing a waltz to Right Here Waiting For You - cheesy song, Sally points out, and indeed she's in a cheesy pink dress, and the waltz is a bit of a cheesy dance, but as discussed, we are all for cheese. And Michelle keeps up the good work from last week's great jive.

Judges mixed. Craig is particularly grumpy tonight - even for him - but Len is very keen.

Scores 6, 8, 8, 8 and 8s from us. 6 is freakishly low. Perhaps Craig has an intestinal complaint.

Next up Patsy and Robin. Surely Patsy will be called the dark horse of the competition this week. She is getting good, but then again, so is everyone. Much talk of her weight loss - she's on a Strictly journey! (Weight loss is of course metaphorical for happiness in Strictly land.)

Oh no. It's a cha cha and it's kind of awful, and we are blaming the song choice. It has no tune or beat and they seem to be dancing out of time, but they are in time with each other, so we don't get it. Patsy is dressed Kylie-like in a little gold dress but even that is ruined by horrible yellow pants underneath. It's horrible yellow pants week.

The judges don't call her the dark horse of the competition, which is because, judging by this, she isn't.

But scores: 6, 8, 7, 8 - nobody can agree. I am giving a 6 - really didn't enjoy it - and Sally is going for a 7.

Now for Sssscott and Natalie. The VT is an extended advert for Eastenders, with many old faces present to lure us back.

Oh god. It's a rumba. Natalie is dressed in tin foil and loo paper and not much of each. Sally hates it. Too bum sticky outy, too cloying, too much savouring of slightly creepy moves. Sally is wisdom incarnate. I feel sorry for Ssscott. He has to do a rumba, nobody gives him the choice. I am incapable of liking a rumba. It isn't his fault.

Judges dislike. Maybe they hate the rumba too.

Scores: 4, 9, 7, 8 - crazy scores. I am going for a 7 and Sally an 8, on the basis that the rumba is such a ghastly dance that we are surely missing something.

Next it's Gavin and Katya. In the VT they play rugby. We love it when Katya "gets her self esteem back" by pulling up her top.

We have no idea what dance they are doing but it's to 'Dont Cha'. Is that a clue? A Cha Cha? Sally calls it "a bit vulgar", which is a MASSIVE understatement. It's a rugby themed dance. Gavin has a ball. Literally. And Katya - OH GOD - is in knee socks, with a tiny red and black tinsel crop top with 'Henson 10' on the back and matching hot pants. Dance-wise, it's more stripper moves from the choreography and we are genuinely embarassed when Katya feels up his crotch.

5, 8, 8, 8 - 6 from me, and Sally flirts with a 7 before reverting to a 6 on the entirely valid basis that she "hated it".

And that's it! Tricky to say who will go but we decide on Patsy. And then Jimi can be the dark horse.