Happy Christmas

I am writing this sitting in the heat beneath a thatched roof in Botswana, having just wrapped my Christmas presents. Surreal juxtaposition. Realised I forgot to mention the blog holiday (am planning to stay offline til the second week in January) or to explain the sorry lack of a Strictly Final post (wrote up the whole thing and then the computer wouldn't let me save or publish. I was delighted with the Kartem victory though.) Anyway, that's all. Not really worth mentioning, but I didn't want anybody worrying that I'd been hit by a bus. (I have not been hit by a bus, unless I get hit by a bus after writing this, which would be ironic.)

Happy Christmas to all and see you in the new year.

Out of Touch

In the queue at Tesco, I perused the back of the the popular music compilation CD 'Now That's What I Call Music: 77'. There was a Barbra Streisand song on it. It was called 'Duck Sauce'. Imagine my disappointment when it turns out to be a song called 'Barbra Streisand' by a band called Duck Sauce.

The Flaw in Paganism

Last night I went to three parties, which was at least two too many. Today my head and stomach were reminded of the fantastic Dorothy Parker poem, 'The Flaw In Paganism':

Drink and dance and laugh and lie,
Love, the reeling midnight through,
For tomorrow we shall die!
(But, alas, we never do.)

Advice for Writers (age 10 and up)

One of my nieces is taking entrance exams for secondary schools, and while visiting her this weekend I happened to read the guidance one of the schools gives the children for story-writing under exam conditions. Two particular items caught my eye which I think could be of benefit to all writers, including those of us over the age of 10, so I will share them here:

Don't attempt to write about anything you have not experienced or cannot imagine

and

Try to finish.

(Looks at incomprehensible, unfinished manuscript of new novel, sighs, goes back to work.)

Strictlywatch 2010: Semi Final Strictsravaganza Part Two!

For part two, we have guest judges: bro, sister-in-law (henceforth 'sil') and mum. Mum's very first comment is "I like her dress." Of Tess. Tonight will be very different.

The couples come down the stairs. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. SCOTT IS DRESSED AS A SAILOR. Bro changes allegiance immediately, but swaps straight back when he sees Kara. I am not alone on Team Kartem. We may have slightly different reasons for supporting them, though.

First up, is Scott. Scott who is dressed as a sailor. My brother has already given him an extra point.

They dance a Charleston to Anything Goes. 'Disaster' says my bro. 'Rather nice' says my mum. This follows the pattern of Scott and Natalie's recent dances whereby Natalie works her arse off and Scott... doesn't. It's not playful. Natalie doesn't do playful. She does intensely competitive stripper. That doesn't exactly scream 'Charleston'.

Judges love. We are baffled.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9, Bro 6, sil 7, Mum 7 (on the basis that 'at some points he was just standing there doing nothing') and 6 from me.

Next up Kara and Artem. They are going to be doing a rumba. A rumba. Yes. I suppose it had to happen. I will be very interested to see if Kara and Artem's magic touch can do ANYTHING with a rumba. Earlier, both my mother and my brother have demonstrated rumbas to me. Alas, I did not film the results. You will have to imagine. My brother's was more hip-based. My mother's more, ah, gyratory. My mother, I might add, has never watched Strictly before.

It's stunning. Stench of cheese about the whole thing, of course, but what can they do: it is a rumba. (Although, my mother: 'to me, that is not a rumba'. No explanation forthcoming.) Drowning the whole thing in dry ice is the ballroom dancing equivalent of studding it with maroschino cherries. Kartem can do no wrong - oh, except - Kara lifts her feet off the floor for a split-second: 9 from Craig.

Judges love. Craig mentions the "lift".

Scores: 9 (boos), 10, 10, 10, and 10s from us all, because we are SANE.

Bruce's next link ("My impression of a duck" - and then ducks) is described by sil as like something my younger niece would say. My younger niece is 7.

Now for Matt and Aliona. Can they redeem themselves after last night's horror?

YES THEY CAN. It is BRILLIANT. This is EXACTLY what we want from Matt. Sexy Matt is back! Even my bro fancies him (a bit). Sil says it's her best dance of the night. Matt has grown stubble! And is doing tango faces! I even like the choreography! For one hideous moment I think that Aliona ("Jaffa lady" - bro) is wearing the CULOTTES OF DOOM but bro points out that it's a staticky dress. Phew! But now I am imagining Aliona getting electric shocks all the way through the dance. Perhaps Matt has bribed wardrobe.

Judges keep making military references. Bruno calls him a South American dictator. Yes, but in a HOT way. (Also, could we get a South American dictator for next season? Would make a diverting change, and not such a huge leap from Widdy.)

Scores: 9, 10, 10, 9, bro 10, mum 10 (even though Madonna's 'Hung Up' is "not tango music"), sil 10 and me 10

Next up Gavin and Katya. "The Welsh Tintin," says Bro.

It's a V-Wal. We are mainly mesmerised by Katya's dress - the "tent" (mum) - the "shuttlecock" (bro.) Meanwhile, Gavin is stiff.

Craig dislikes. Katya answers back - she's the female James Jordan, says bro. This seems harsh. Len likes, but Len always likes the male sportsman. I imagine him spending sweaty, furtive nights alone with the Sun sport pull-out. I imagine this so that you don't have to.

Scores: 6, 9 ("OH COME ON LEN YOU GIT" - bro), 8, 8, 7 from bro, 6 from me, 7, from mum ("it didn't do anything for me - nothing exceptional in any way" - my mum is a better judge than Len), 6 from sil. Tess refers to Gavin as "A Welsh Dragon" - DRINK!

Last up, Pamela and James. Mum: "She looks older than 61." I wish my mum watched Strictly more often.

It's a quickstep - yay! - to Stepping Out. They start in matching top hats and tails, and then - double yay! - Pam rips off her jacket and unrolls a skirt made from purple streamers. Cheers all round. Dance-wise, my mother loves it. My bro is torn. It's great but it doesn't quite set him alight. We all dig the tap section but we're not sure whether the actual tap noises are just sound effects from Dave Arch, the singers and his wonderful orchestra.

Judges rave. Alesha says that Pamela is a winner, which sil points out is a rare foray into words she hasn't used before.

Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 - 10 from mum ("I'll give her a 10 for being a granny as well"), 10 from sil, and 9s from bro and me.

We all agree that Gavin is going. Scott should be the other, but we fear for Matt.

Now it's all over - five members of Take That = one fat lady singing.


[Bro here - Sis getting rather excitable about Robbie W's audience participation. THANK YOU MANCHESTER!]

Strictlywatch 2010: Semi Final Strictstravagganza Part One!

Some people might say that reviewing the Strictlymatic Semi Final Extravaganza Part One featuring The Swingathon TM when I have just come in from a night of mulled wine, carols and Bavarian beerhall madness is an act of reckless foolishness. To these people I say: YOU HAVE NO VISION.

Let's launch straight in, shall we?

Pamela and James are first on the floor. Literally, it seems, judging by the VT, in which Pamela spends the majority of the time sprawled on the ground.

They are dancing a Paso Doble to Bad Romance - genius song choice. Pamela's dress, and I want to capture this precisely, is a combination of satanic prostitute, medieval barmaid, and mock Tudor semi-detached house. I like the dance a lot. It's one of the campest I've ever seen, and their Paso faces are priceless. Gaga ooh la la!

Len loves. Alesha adores. Bruno's bonkers. Craig complains.

Scores: 8, 9 ,9, 9 and 9 from me.

Next up are Kara and Artem. The dances they've been given for this crucial semi-final stage are the Rumba and the Viennese Waltz. My most hated dance and my most boring one. Poor Kartem. Still, Viennese Waltzes do tend to get the tens out of the judges.

They're doing the Viennese Waltz (or V-Wal, as it's known in the Hip Hop community) tonight, to Stop. It is, you will not be remotely surprised to hear, exquisite, because Artem could make a boy scout tap dancing on a phone book interesting, and Kara could make trudging through mud in wellington boots elegant. There's a fair bit out of hold, and a spin at the end that verges on a lift, so I wonder if Len is going to have another one of his hissy fits. Let's see, shall we?

Oh it's Craig who has the hissy, about the spin / lift - spift? Len is *nuts* about it.

Sores: 9, 10, 10, 10 and 10 from me, spift be damned.

And now it's time for Gavin and Katya. In the VT, Gavin describes himself as 'just on the outside of the top four', in the same way that I am just on the outside of the Booker longlist.

They are doing the samba, to Bamboleo. Katya - dressed as Carmen Miranda crossed with a shower curtain - dances brilliantly, with fabulous samba faces, flamenco touches, and an astonishing lift / jump - lump? No, jift - at the end. Alas, Katya is not being judged tonight. Gavin is. And Gavin is not good. Walky walky walky, bum to the left, bum to the right. Wales: just leave him be.

Is there a dance that Len has not claimed to be the hardest for a male dancer? It's the turn of the samba tonight.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 and I think I will give a 7 - after all the bum did go to the left, and to the right.

Now for Scott and Natalie. In the VT, Natalie claims that Scott is the best partner she has ever danced with. Nobody tell Ricky Whittle. At this crucial semi-final stage, *they* have been given the Charleston and the Argentine Tango, maybe the two most entertaining dances there are. I think Kartem should have a word with the producers.

Tonight is the turn of the Argentine Tango. Scott is wearing a hat for the occasion. The way he puts the hat on is the highlight of the routine, which is heavily lift-reliant. Like last week, Scott's contribution is good enough, but Natalie does the bulk of the dancing. Scott is not the best partner she has ever danced with.

Craig says he loved it, and proceeds to rip it to shreds. His comment about Scott failing to lead is spot-on.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 and 8 from me.

Lastly, Matt and Aliona. Matt appears to think his naked desperation to win is endearing. It isn't. I can't wait to see him knocking out all his opponents in the swingathon, though. Let the breaking of bones commence!

But first, the salsa. Which may be my least favourite of Matt's dances, as it turns out. Lots of basic steps, and lots of feeling up of Aliona's torso. Ugh.

Len's with me. Alesha's with me. Bruno's with me. And Craig's with me. Bruno mentions that the salsa needs flirting, which may explain why these two are so dismal at it.

In interview with Tess, Matt is thoroughly depressed and monosyllabic. Which makes me like him again. What can I tell you, I'm perverse.

Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7 and 8 from me. I really should have given Gavin a 6.

AND NOW AT LONG LAST, THE SWINGATHON!!!!!!!!!!

I am PROPERLY excited about this. A brief explanation: they all swing dance at the same time, the judges send the couples off one by one, the last (wo)man standing is the winner, and it's a brilliant opportunity for truly competitive couples to "accidentally" stamp on their opponents' ankles. We want to see lifts, we want to see tricks, says Len. I want to see violence. BRING IT.

Um. It's pretty good. You can't see anything, basically. Mass couple dancing = not designed for television. Ah well. Also, NOBODY hits ANYBODY. Pfft. I recommend hiring 'Grease' and watching 'Born to Hand Jive' instead.

Judges' elimnations, from sinner to winner: Gavin, Scott, Pamela, Matt, Kara.

I'm exhausted. Just as well there isn't another day of this tomorrow. What's that? THERE IS?

Bleedin' 'eck. I'd better go to bed.

Music Monday

Some Monday mornings it feels like someone organised all of my ex-boyfriends into a choir and got them to sing.

Strictlywatch 2010: Movie Special

In honour of the STRICTLY COME DANCING MOVIE SPECIAL, Tess has chosen to dress as an Oscar. I have chosen to dress in a dressing gown and turn over some new leaves. Leaf number one: no fast forwarding. Yes, I am doing the full Bruce. Leaf number two: I am saying goodbye to grumpy judge and hello to nice judge. I could pretend this is because I'm a decent human being, but actually it's because I watched ITT on Friday and I already know that this show is going to be a corker. A corker! Let's go!

First up are Scott and Natalie. Last week, Scott totally forgot what he was doing and was punished by getting two nines from Alesha and Bruno.

This week is better. I'm no fan of the Paso, which is just the rumba with horns, and I always undermark. They dance to the James Bond theme, though, which should counteract this, as it is a track which is always guaranteed to get me speeding if I listen to it in the car. Ba ba dum! Ba ba ba dumpity dum dum! I'm going to have a Len-style mind-melt! Natalie is dressed in an Ursula Andress white bikini, with a train, which Ursula never thought of - I should establish that my train I mean an open skirt thingy, rather than an actual train, which I wouldn't put past the Strictly wardrobe. And speaking of wardrobe, it's shirt off time for Scott! They must really want the votes. The dancing is - good, really. Yeah. I'd say good.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 - so apparently Alesha and Bruno think that this was equal to last week. 8 from me.

Next it's Ann and Anton, who are consistently being put second in the hope that it's the least showy slot of the night and people might forget to vote for them. Fat chance. She is also in culottes, the costume of death. Everyone goes out in trews. Here's what Stephanie had to say about that in the Blackpool week comments: "Felicity was wearing palazzo pants this week. Tina was in sparkly leggings the week she went. And Flavia wore trousers the week Jimi went. Clearly the viewing public does not approve of ladies dancing in trousers." And yet: fat, fat chance.

Ann has stooped to learning the routine this week, which makes a nice change.

Bruno: "A Dalek in drag." Then adds: "It's different, it's never been seen before." Steven Moffat, pay attention.

Scores: 2, 5, 4, 3 and 4 from me. There was actual dancing. This must be recognised.

Now it's Matt and Aliona. The veneer of niceness has really been chipped off Matt of late, revealing the angry, salivating competitive beast within. I don't fancy him any more, but I'm finding it terrifically entertaining. I wouldn't be at all surprised next week if he went the full Tonya Harding and smashed Scott's knees with a sledgehammer.

They dance a jive to Soul Bossa Nova aka the Austin Powers theme. It starts amazingly with a backflip off the judges' desk - perfect landing, Matt! - and some great Austin-y character moves. Matt as Austin Powers is super-cute in his velvet suit and geeky specs. So let's see if Aliona - dressed as Geri Haliwell, naturally - can ruin it. Like Barack Obama, YES SHE CAN! The planted-foot, arm-moving bit is nutso. Jive means move your feet! In some language I speak and you don't.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 and 9 from me.

The next couple, Pamela and James, in a moment of purest VT genius, recreate the pottery moment from Ghost. This is James's season. It will never be better than this for him. You're likeable, James! Savour the moment.

They dance a lovely, romantic Viennese Waltz to Unchained Melody, which is only enhanced by a ludicrous finale featuring James Jordan, as the ghost in question, ascending the stairway to heaven and leaving poor Pamela behind. Ah James, leaving no cheese unturned.

Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10. Which makes me feel very sheepish about raining on the parade with my 9. Maybe just drizzling on the parade.

Next is Gavin and Katya. I don't think I've been giving Katya enough props for being completely hilarious in the face of the Gavinsanity. In fact I might be in love with Katya. I was last year, when she partnered Phil Tufnell. I wish she'd partnered Matt. I might still want to shag him if she had, instead of my main Strictly crush now consisting of the kind of Head Girl fantasies I last experienced at the age of 11 over our actual head girl who I think ended up being in a terrible island-based movie with Kelly Brook. Anyway, moving along.

The theme is Blues Brothers - most excellent song choice of Minnie the Moocher - and Katya is dancing in menswear. Sexy menswear. Backless menswear. Can we take the opportunity to show how not to do sexy, backless menswear? Again, let's evoke Barack Obama: yes we can!



Oh Celine.

Anyway, the dance is pretty good. Which is the equivalent of excellent for Gavin.

Scores: 7, 9, 9, 8 and 7 from me. I'm not sure what 9s mean these days. They are being handed out like sweets at the moment.

Now it's time for Kara and Artem. They are dancing a tango! BRING IT ON! To the tango version of Roxanne from Moulin Rouge! BRIIIING IIIIIT OOOOOOOON!!! But first, Artem is quizzed about his feelings for Kara, and - what's this? - "I'm confirming the rumours." EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Oh Strictly, this is SO kicking the arse of last week.

This tango is one of the best dances I have EVER seen on Strictly. And easily the best tango. Artem's choreography is astounding. While we're doing bests, he's got to be the best choreographer they've ever had. It's incredible. Gorgeous, sexy, wonderful. And other words like that, go ahead and pick your own. KARTEM FOR THE WIN!!! Also, when I go on Strictly, I am TOTALLY dancing with Artem. Please don't tell me he's five inches shorter than me. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

9, 9, 10, 10 - COME ON, Craig and Len. What do you want, blood? 10 from me, obvs.

And that's all! God, it goes fast when there's only six of them left. And you know what? I reckon it could be a shock exit for Matt. Katya was in trousers though. That's a risky move. The curse of Stephanie may be upon her.

We'll have to wait til tomorrow to find out. You know what to do in the meantime: keeeeeep dancing!

UPDATE: WIDDY OUT!!!!!!!!! It must have been the culottes. Excellent work, Stephanie.

Tea and Kittens

Today I am mostly loving this (with thanks to Bagelmouse.)

If it was merely a website offering photographs of inviting cups of tea and adorable kittens, it would already be halfway to genius. However, it also offers a function whereby you can set your browser to automatically redirect you to the Tea and Kittens site every time you try to access the Daily Mail or the Express websites. And that, my friends, is what separates the Albert Einsteins from, well, from the physicists I haven't heard of.