Hiatus

I'm going to be offline now until the New Year. Happy Festivus!

Alesha is jumping for joy. I love her! I am so happy! Look at Matthew spinning her around! Bless them.

WHAT am I going to do in January?

"Matt and Flavia, will you carry on seeing each other when the series finishes?"

Poor choice of words, Tess, poor choice of words.

She's crying, bless her! Blog mascot from the start. Hurrah for women who talk too much! Death to evil Harvey!

The Results!

I need a pee!

(Ethan is telling me to hold it in.)

And the winner is...

The winner is..............

ALESHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spice Girls performance

Why is Sporty Spice dressed as Gene Simmonds? Why is Baby Spice wearing her best wedding hat?

I mean, he actually picked her up and spun her around by the crotch.

I need to see those dances again.

Matt actually picked Flavia up by the crotch.

Alesha & Matthew Show Dance

I am terrified for them. I don't know if Matthew has the choreography chops to rival Flavia. Help!

PANTS!

By which I mean Alesha's pants. Not that it is pants.

Another excellent dance. I don't think it was quite as good as Matt & Flavia but it's a wafer-thin mint between them.

I am going to have to blog about this again in a calmer moment.

Wow. Those show dances were incredible.

I am feeling quite emotional.

Matt & Flavia Show Dance

He is *not* wearing less than Flavia. Where's her skirt?

OH MY GOD. I am going to have to comment at length later. That was AMAZING. I can't blog and watch this at the same time. They could just have won it.

Their final outfits are GHASTLY. I couldn't be more delighted.

Ethan (correctly): "Matt's wearing less than Flavia".

But first: more reminders of how many times Matt has failed to dance properly.

Vernon Kay looks like a midget next to David Walliams.

Ramps! Ramps speaks!

His ears haven't got any less weird.

Have you noticed how everything anyone does is "one of the most difficult things"?

Alesha and Matt are holding hands. Bless.

Viennese Waltz

We are kind of hoping they might bump into each other. Does this make us bad people?

And we're back! Live!

I'm going to miss this theme tune. I should put it on my phone.

Flavia looks like Miss World with her sash. Why hasn't Tess changed? Maybe she can't get her dress off without cutting it. That would be unfortunate.

I hope they don't spend half this show recapping.

We love Matt and Flavia's "I was half naked by the end of it" / "I enjoyed it" / "I'm sure you did" exchange. You can probably hear us laughing from Windsor. Quite dirty laughs (not the kids).

Recap recap recap. Come on! We want show dances!

WHAT? Viennese waltz?

Results show in half an hour. Meanwhile, Martha has been drawing...

Near Doom Experience

The server went down! Panic! Fortunately we didn't miss much, just Bruce singing, and the least said the better. Join us back here for the results...

Oh, and votes from the Windsor jury? All for Alesha.

Head to Head Dances

Matt and Flavia have chosen to dance a quickstep. Scott invokes the name of Michael Flatley. I am digging it.

But Alesha's jive KNOCKS THEM OUT OF THE WATER! Even if it is a lot of her dance from week 3...

Scott 8 / 9
Rhian 8 / 9
Ethan 9 / 10
Martha 9 / 10
Marie 9 / 10

Bruno sounds quite lukewarm. Len refuses to have favourites. Craig maybe leaning towards Alesha. Arlene being hyper critical. None of the judges seem that excited. Weird.

Matt's scores:
Craig 9
Arlene 8
Len 9
Bruno 9

Alesha's scores:
Craig 9
Arlene 8
Len 9
Bruno 9

A fix! Ethan accuses Arlene of being drunk.

Former celebrities 2

We are very excited that Kelly is back, especially Martha. Kelly is Martha's favourite. We all still reckon that Gethin would have knocked Kelly out anyway.

Scott: "Kenny and Gaby deserve each other".

Damn. Gethin was great. He should have stayed in. Except that he would have to have danced all his dances from the last two weeks.

Kate's paso doble! YES! The Killers! Kate's pants! KATE'S PANTS! SCott 4, MArie 3, Rhian 3, Martha 4, Ethan 0.

John: is this the best dance of the series? Um, no. Marie 7, Rhian 7, Ethan 8, Scott 6, Martha 8.

Martha is beside herself seeing Kelly. Scott forbids sympathy voting. They would never have won because everyone hates Brendan. Rhian 8, Scott 8, Martha 10, Marie 8, Ethan 9 for Kelly 8 for Brendan.

It's our favourite Kenny dance. Ola doesn't cover her eyes this time. 8 from Scott, Martha 10 ("and it's the last 10 I'm giving all series"), Ethan 10, rhian 9. They are bonkers. I am giving a 7.

Martha and Ethan start dancing, distracting us all from Leticia. 7s we reckon but none of us are watching.

GETHIN'S SALSA! HE IS AD LIBBING! WHY IS HE NOT IN THE FINAL? WHY? HE HI FIVES THE AUDIENCE! WE HI FIVE BACK! We ALL gives 10s ("great hips", says Martha) except Ethan, who digs out the special 11 paddle!!!

Scott is outraged that Kate has been seated next to Ramps.

Alesha & Matthew Dance 2

"She still hasn't brushed her hair" says Martha.

Ethan primes himself for Diva Time.

They are dancing the Cha Cha. Yay!

Alesha is wearing the clippings from Tess's dress.

It's a big improvement on what we've seen so far, but still not perfect. We're perkier though and the scores are creeping up.

Marie 9
Martha 9
Scott 9
Rhian 9
Ethan: It's Diva Time! 10!

For once we don't hate what the judges are saying. Better than Jill Halfpenny indeed! I think he might be right!

Craig 9
Arlene 9
Len 10
Bruno 10

Matt & Flavia Dance 2

"I don't like the hairdo" says Martha.

In the VT Matt points out yet another bit where he couldn't remember how to dance. And then a bit where he fell over.

Flavia says that the flirting in Rhumba week came "from Matt, obviously". Nice.

They are doing the salsa.

Matt is no Ramps. I don't think he is doing this as well as last time. "A bit rushed" says Scott.

Marie 8
Ethan 8
Rhian 8
Scott 8
Martha ("I am Arlene") 7

Craig has lost his mind. They have all lost their mind. Arlene seems to be trying to call Matt a pervert. "She's crazy" explains Martha. Len describes the dance as "a gnat's scrotum better" than before. Scott thinks Bruno is auditioning for voiceover work. They are going to overmark again.

Tess is talking about journeys. Drink!

Craig 9
Arlene 10
Len 10
Bruno 10

The mood in Windsor is mutinous.

Former contestants dance

Ethan gives Brian and Karen a 1. Martha a 2, Scott a 6, Rhian a 4, Marie a 3.

Marie gives Stephanie a 6. Marie loves Stephanie. Martha gives her a 7, and points out that it's a great song. "A good 7" from Scott. 7 3/4 from Ethan, 7 from Rhian.

Huge cheers great Willie's return to the stage. He's still only getting a 5 from Marie. 5 from Ethan, 5 from Scott, 6 from Rhian, 6 from Martha.

Gaby we reckon has been practising from the moment she went out. 8 from me. 8 from Ethan ("2 for her personality"). 8 from Martha and Rhian, 7 from Scott.

5s all round for Dominic. We are all more excited about Penny, dancing to Martha's favourite song. 9 from Martha, 7 from Marie, 8s from everyone else.

Scott has just spotted Paxo in the audience, behind David Walliams.

I still love Penny. Lovely Penny.

Tess's belt from week 1 remains an abomination. WHAT IS IT?

SCD Alesha & Matthew Dance 1

Martha: 'She hasn't brushed her hair'.

They are doing the waltz.

Scott: She'll be all right if she needs to blow her nose.

It's a lovely waltz but not their best ballroom.

Martha: 9
Scott: 8
Marie 8
Ethan: 8
Rhian: 8

We are already grumpy at the prospect of her getting a 10 for this. The judges are overmarking. Have they been drinking? Craig just said "flawless." Len is now slating her feet. Not flawless after all. Windsor jury are with Len.

I have only just noticed Alesha's earrings. Good lord.

Craig 10
Alesha 10
Len 9 - and gets booed!
Bruno 10

Last Word on Tess's Dress

Ferrero Rocher.

SCD: Matt & Flavia dance 1

American Smooth! Thank god not their boring 4 Ten Waltz.

OH MY GOD IT'S NOT A DRESS IT'S CULOTTES!

They have just lost points with me and Scott for that. I can't take my eyes off them.

We agree that the dance is good and the lifts are lovely, but it lacks a bit of spark.

Marie: 8
Scott: 8
Martha: 8
Ethan: 8
Rhian: 7

The judges seem to agree. Matt's feet are below par, they say. Still, it helps that he didn't fall over.

Craig 9
Arlene 9
Len 9
Bruno 9

We are unimpressed. Where do the judges' votes go from here?

SCD live 17.50pm

And we're off! Martha helpfully recaps through the titles which of the couples are not in any more.

Tess is wearing a lemon yellow satin sheath reminiscent of nothing less than a roll of left-over wrapping paper held together by black elastoplast accessorised with a brass belt with sim card buckle and shoulder-length earrings. Nice to see you to see you nice.

Round one: Alesha wins the dress battle against Flavia. Martha: 'I don't like that dress.' Scott: 'I'm with you on that one.' It looks like pistachio ice cream dipped in diamante. Alesha wins the battle of audience cheers as well.

Scott speculates on the view down Tess's dress.

Strictly Come Dancing Live Final Live Blog 17.48

There are too many trailers. Hurry up!

Strictly Come Dancing Live Final Live Blog: The Build Up

The build-up is starting! How excited are you? We on the Windsor jury are VERY excited. In fact last night I dreamt that I went to Bali on holiday and I was panicking because I couldn't find a television to watch the final on. Sad but true.

Before the Stricly Come Dancing Live Final Live Blog goes LIVE, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce our guest judging panel:

Martha, 6. Specialist subject: couture.
Ethan, 8. Specialist subject: impersonating Bruno.
Scott, 37. Specialist subject: exposed areas of Flavia.
Rhian, 39. Specialist subject: song choice.
Marie, 31. Specialist subject: fringes and belts.

We have spent all afternoon eating high sugar snacks, making score paddles out of cardboard, felt tip and clothes pegs, and speculating about how small Flavia's outfits will be. And now we are ready, ready, READY!

SCD minus 10!

Short Story in The Times

I have a short story in The Times today, about Christmas at the Greek Gods' house. (Slightly weirdly laid out, so it's tricky to read - the hard copy works better.) It's dead exciting, this is the first commission I've had from a national newspaper, bar a fewpieces for the Observer website a couple of years ago. For some reason reading it makes me cringe so much my ears retreat into my head, but I hope you like it...

One Day I Will Blog About Something Other Than Strictly Come Dancing

but until then, here's a Guardian interview with all the judges.

An Announcement

I will be live blogging during the Strictly Come Dancing final from 5.50-7.10pm and 9.25-10.10pm tomorrow night, assuming that the server doesn't collapse under the weight of my excitement. Come join me and voice your outrage / adoration about proceedings as they happen. Sequined outfits mandatory.

Strictly Come Dancing End of Season Polls

Next questions. This blog is never knowingly underpolled.

more at twiigs.com...

more at twiigs.com...

more at twiigs.com...

Fantasy Strictly Come Dancing

Now then, now then, now then. My next game is trickier to play, so much so that I've been trying and failing to complete it all week. The question is: YOU are on Strictly Come Dancing. Who are you dancing with, what are you wearing, and what songs are you dancing to?

I am dancing with Darren Bennett (it was a tough choice - I love Matthew this series, but equally lovely Darren's choreography is better). I am dressed as Tess Daly with heavy bangs, a grotesque belt, and a dress that looks like the lining of Elvis's coffin. And these are my dances, some, I must confess, deliberately chosen just to upset the band:

Waltz - Don't Want To Miss A Thing (Aerosmith)
Viennese Waltz - Harvest Moon (Neil Young)
Foxtrot - Moondance (Van Morrison)
Quickstep - Get Happy (Judy Garland)
Rhumba - Je T'Aime Moi Non Plus (Serge Gainsbourg / Jane Birkin - mainly for the complaints)
American Smooth - Anything Goes (Frank Sinatra)
Tango - Over and Over (Hot Chip - just to hear the band sing "like a monkey with a miniature cymbal")
Argentinian Tango - Back to Black (Amy Winehouse)
Salsa - I Like It Like That (Pete Rodriquez)
Cha Cha Cha - Aint No Other Man (Christina Aguilera)
Samba - I See You Baby Shakin' That Ass (Groove Armada)
Jive - Johnny B Goode (Chuck Berry, but preferably played by Michael J Fox in Back to the Future)
Paso Doble - Song of Jacky (Scott Walker)

I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. It was surprisingly hard to do the whole list. As you will discover...

Strictly Come Dancing: Best Dance Poll

So next week we will find out the winner of the Strictly Come Dancing final... but which was the best dance? Over to you! I have embedded all the choices so that even if you weren't watching you can play along. I'm nice like that.

I have assembled this shortlist from the incredibly scientific method of "the ones I remembered" with the following caveats: I chose all different kinds of dances for reasons I am not clear about, I make no apology for the fact that it's almost entirely Latin, and with Kate and Anton's dance you have to sit through all the training video as well, because *inexplicably* there were not a huge number of uploaded versions to pick from on Youtube.

So, your choices are:

Gethin and Camilla's Salsa



Alesha and Matthew's Cha Cha Cha



Matt & Flavia's Jive



Kelly & Brendan's American Smooth



Kate & Anton's Samba (for pure entertainment value)



Group Dance: Dirty Dancing

more at twiigs.com...

Strictly Come Dancing Semi Final Results

Goodbye Gethin! We will miss... well, mainly we will miss your bum. I'm tired tonight, and why mince words? You got dead good towards the end but mainly you were just so hot. We will never forget that salsa.

So it's an Alesha v Matt final! No prizes for guessing who I'm going to vote for. I mean, I like little rodent child Matt, but Alesha is a cross between Princess Jasmine, Ginger Rogers and Muttley the dog, and you can't say fairer than that, not on this blog anyway. Go Alesha! Go Alesha! Go Alesha!

Throughout the Exciting Build Up Week I am going to post some cool stuff I have thought of to get us all excited (I mean, in case we are not excited enough already) and then we will reconvene on Saturday for the Exciting Strictly Come Dancing Grand Final Right HERE!!!!

(Er, except I'm not watching from home. Ah. Scott, can I blog from your house, mate?)

X Factor Final

Meanwhile, in the night of all idiotic decisions: Leon? REALLY? I suppose the thinking went: can't sing, can't dance, but is marginally less annoying than the alternatives.

I'm going to bed. When I wake up tomorrow, I want the world to be the sensible place that it was this morning.

Strictly Come Dancing Semi Final

Seriously, having thought about NOTHING ELSE all evening, I have come to the conclusion that this totally screws up voting for the final. Either Matt is rewarded for, essentially, not bursting into tears or tripping over by going straight into the final, or he ends up in the bottom two, in which case whoever is up against him has to dance against a perfect score dance.

FOUR TENS! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, JUDGES? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

Strictly Come Dancing Semi Final

No, but seriously, four tens?

Strictly Come Dancing Semi Final

FOUR TENS???????????

Terry Pratchett

In his inimitable style, in a statement entitled An Embuggerance, Terry Pratchett has just announced that he is suffering from a rare form of early-onset Alzheimer's.

This makes me feel incredibly sad. Not just because it's sad when people get incurable illnesses, which is sad enough, but because Terry Pratchett was one of the earliest influences on my writing. I read his books when I was about 11 or 12, at the suggestion of my brother. I wasn't allowed to crease the spines of his copies so I had to read them only an inch open, so the fact that I got through so many so fast is testimony enough to their brilliance. I loved their imaginativeness, how much they made me laugh, and the way he used fantasy stories to satirise the real world. Bro still reads them all, I stopped after a few years, but I recall them with great affection, and remain slightly disappointed that my university librarian was not an orangutan.

People can be snotty about Pratchett, mainly I think because he writes within the comic fantasy genre which is seen as a bit geeky, but his books are clever and funny and surprisingly moving and I aspire my books to be all of these things. I aspire to be as prolific as Pratchett and as rich too. He can keep the hats though. Without Discworld and particularly Good Omens there would be no Gods Behaving Badly, though that's just a grain of sand on the beach of his legacy.

As he himself is at pains to point out, he's not dead yet. But even so, even so, even so. It was bad enough losing Douglas Adams so young. I'm not ready for another ancestor to go.

The Reality...

...is that I spent the entire evening listening to music and dancing around my house with the lights off (decorators took the blinds down.) I forgot: my other addiction.

Now tell me, which is the all time greatest Christmas song. This?



Or this?

more at twiigs.com...

Addiction

I have the decorators in at the moment, painting my living room. They have taken all of the furniture and piled into into the centre of the room and covered it in dust sheets while they do the walls. That's the sofa, the table, the piano... the television. I can't get to it. I can't get to the TV. Even if I could get to it, I couldn't put it in a place where I could switch it on and then sit down and watch it. Tonight there will be no television watching in this house. Right now I am not watching Home and Away, very shortly I will not be watching tomorrow's episode of Home and Away, and later tonight I will not only not be watching Flight of the Conchords, I won't be recording it either, because my PVR is unplugged too. AND IT'S THE LAST IN THE SERIES.

To say that this has induced a state of panic in me would be an understatement. Panic, despair, bewilderment. What the hell am I supposed to do tonight?

Read? Yes, I know I'm an author, but really. It's half past six. I usually go to bed around midnight. Read for five and a half hours? Illywhacker is a great book but it's not entirely easy reading. My brain will give up before the night is out.

Listen to Radio Four? Maybe. But what am I supposed to do with my eyes?

Clean? You have got to be joking. And anyway, the decorators are just going to create more dirt.

Macrame? Needlepoint? Collage? I don't have the equipment. Also, I have the artistic ability of a duck with the squits.

No. I NEED MY TELEVISION. I am not ashamed to admit it, I am an addict. I like watching television. This may be an unfashionable statement, but it's true. It provides me with a lot of pleasure and also good company. I was interviewed today by someone who doesn't have a television, and her justification was this: "There is good stuff on TV but there is so much rubbish too." Well, you don't have to watch the rubbish. You can just watch the good stuff. Strictly! Conchords! Heroes! Doctor Who! There's even a documentary with a friend of mine in it tonight.

But I won't be watching it. I won't be saying goodbye to Bret, Jemaine and Murray (I love you Murray! Don't forget me!) either. Tonight I will probably have a bath, make myself some dinner, read for a couple of hours and then go to bed at around 10pm. Does this sound fun to you? Does it sound healthy? Then, after 8 hours sleep, I might wake up at 6 tomorrow! That's still last night! What's the point of being up at 6? There's nothing on TV at 6!

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO WHEN A GIRL HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN GETTING UP EARLY AND MAKING HER OWN ENTERTAINMENT? I DEMAND MOVING PICTURES MADE BY SOMEBODY ELSE TO KEEP ME OCCUPIED UNTIL MIDNIGHT AT LEAST!!!

Oh actually, I've just realised, I could sit at my computer tonight and watch Gilmore Girls on DVD.

Thank goodness for that. I thought I was going to have to think my own thoughts for a minute.

Phew........

Strictly Come Dancing: Week 10 Results

So farewell, then, Leticia. I will miss your facedancing, your sense of humour, and those appalling Quality Street wrapper outfits they made you wear, but I will not miss people talking about your confidence or your journey or endlessly saying how beautiful you are in that way which after too many repetitions kind of suggests that you're not. I will also miss the painfully lovely Darren. In fact there are so many painfully lovely men in ballroom dancing that I am starting to think I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, and I should let some foundation-smeared sequinista foxtrot his way into my heart. Though having seen that picture of Bruno in a posing pouch that they displayed on today's Results Show, maybe not.

Now for a solemn moment. I must issue a SEVERE REBUKE to ANYONE who sympathy voted for Matt this week. MATT WAS THE WORST DANCER. HE DANCED THE WORST. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE BOTTOM TWO. Yes I know he is cute and twenty years old and he was probably forced to sit through a dress rehearsal of *that* Vincent and Flavia tango (which made me revert to my notion of yes, find love (or at least sex) with a ballroom dancer - which in fact is the plot of many of my favourite bad movies) - but he forgot BOTH dances. Even Leticia danced better mid-vomiting sessions last week. Yes I feel sorry for him and yes it was devastating and heart-breaking and all of that, but unless the boy is made of rubber he is only going to bugger up next week again, when forced to dance a tango with Flavia while being painfully aware of his shortcomings in comparison with Vincent, pressed up against her, not being able to have her, and -

- oh buggery, am I about to start crying again?

OK, I know why you left him in. But it was OUTRAGEOUS that Alesha should have been made to dance in the dance off. SHE IS THE BEST. SHE SHOULD NEVER BE IN THE BOTTOM TWO. IT IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE.

I have now voted for the first time, for Alesha. THE GIRL MUST WIN.

PS Was I the only person reduced to hysterics by "Sir" Cliff Richard's hairpiece?

X Factor Semi Final

Just watched the lunchtime repeat. To my eternal shame, when Sarah from Same Difference started crying at the end of singing 'Never Had A Dream Come True', I burst into tears. I dread to think what the New York Times would have to say about that. Same Difference to win, please. They make incest look like such a wholesome option.

Strictly Come Dancing Week 10

Last week we asked: what on earth was going on between Matt and Flavia? This week the answer would seem to be: terminal break-up scenario.

Poor Matt. He was miserable and a bit rubbish. Also, very very bad plan to dance difficult rhythmic choreography to a song that goes "I just can't control my feet": no Matt, really you can't. Leticia (easily favourite to go until tonight) and Darren's music choice was the equally apposite "To dream the impossible dream", though if the public doesn't save Matt from the dance-off, that dream may not seem quite so impossible. Of course, because of the stupid voting rules, the public have been voting since Sunday and only have til 9pm tonight to respond to the actual dances, so Matt's utter screw-up may have less impact than anticipated.

But on to happier matters, like Tess appearing dressed as an ornamental throw in a funeral parlour, Gethin's continued mastery of the Latin (love that jive), Leticia resuming her facedancing - expression of the week: got to finish this gobstopper before the headmaster sees me - and Alesha just being fabulous. Alesha has been the blog mascot from the start, and quite right too: she is the best and she MUST WIN. Yes, I know she hasn't had a "journey" but it's not fair to penalise her for being talented. Plus she is lovely and Matthew is so adorable and camp I am a bit in love with him in a platonic, can you be my gay best friend (even if you are not gay, though I doubt it) sort of way. Sigh.

Video fix from here.

New York Times

My book is out in the US this week, so the reviews are beginning to appear - including this one in the New York Times today. (Warning: it could hardly squeeze another spoiler in and still stick to the word limit.) It's not my best review, nor is it my worst; I'd classify it under "I really resent how much this trashy novel made me laugh" (I get a lot of that.)

I draw it to your attention, not so that you can avoid reading my novel by getting the whole plot there, or even to show off about being featured in the New York Times though I am quite chuffed about that, but because of the final paragraph. And I quote:

And although Ms. Phillips fulfills her purely lighthearted ambitions for this story, she provides a cautionary example to budding novelists everywhere. Though her background includes stints as an independent bookseller and BBC researcher, she also has a blog full of her thoughts about the hot competition on a television dance-contest show. When writers lived on Mount Olympus, they didn’t talk about things like that.

Oh dear.

I am so sorry that although my CV includes the dizzy heights of intellectualism of stacking books on shelves in alphabetical order, cold-calling Help the Aged to canvass their views on a programme in development called "Adopt a Granny", and - lest we forget - writing a purely lighthearted novel, I waste my time and yours with my thoughts on television dance contests. (And singing contests, be fair.) It is beneath me. It lacks proper gravitas. It is something the New York Times would never do (American readers, help me out here: does the NYT cover Dancing With The Stars?)

Budding novelists, heed my cautionary example. DO NOT BLOG. DO NOT WATCH STRICTLY COME DANCING. DO NOT BLOG ABOUT STRICTLY COME DANCING. OR THE NEW YORK TIMES WILL ACCUSE YOU, TOO, OF HAVING GOT A COMPUTER TO WRITE YOUR NOVEL FOR YOU.

Good night. I'm off to read Kant, feel shame, and renounce fun.

X Factor Revisited

As a Strictly fan (which I am, in case you were unsure) I haven't been following X Factor, but this week I noticed that it had been moved up the schedules so the programmes no longer clash, so I thought I'd check in.

Oh. My. God. What on earth is going on?

EVERYBODY on X Factor this year is terrible. Hope, the girl band who make Pussycat Dolls look like differentiated individuals. Rhydian, the opera alien. Leon, the Rat Pack's tea boy. Niki the charisma black hole. And dear god in heaven, Same Difference, which is the singing equivalent of being tied up in a Barbie factory and force-fed glitter.

How anyone will be able to choose a favourite and vote in that contest is beyond me. I have to say my general inclination is that the utterly horrifying Same Difference should probably get it, as they clearly have a long and successful career ahead of them presenting nauseating CeeBeeBies shows and making parents suicidal when their four-year-old children insist on being taken to a Same Difference concert. Also, then there could be Same Difference dolls which I could mutilate.

In any case, I heard that voting is massively down on previous years, which commentators put down to viewer lack of trust in ITV phone-ins. Rather than total apathy / hating all the contestants, for example.

Last but not least, Louis Walsh remains the most insufferable man on the planet. I am sure he is only there so that you don't notice how vile the rest of the judging panel are.

Enough. I'm back to Strictly.

Strictly Come Dancing: Week 9 Results

Good golly Miss Molly, what was that?

I'm not talking about Kenny getting voted off. Yeah, yeah. We knew that was going to happen. We don't care. We're moving on. We're mostly just happy this means that there won't be constant cutaways to Gabby / VT of Kenny and Gabby at home / mentions of how Gabby should not have been voted out. YES SHE SHOULD. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN VOTED OUT. WE'RE GLAD THAT SHE'S GONE. SHE WAS VOTED OUT BECAUSE WE DIDN'T LIKE HER. THAT'S HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS. STOP SHOWING SUCH CONTEMPT FOR YOUR AUDIENCE.

Ahem.

No, I'm talking about the Matt - Flavia - Vincent love triangle.

Think back to Saturday - yes, I know I told you to forget, now remember - where Tess was all jokes about Matt and Flavia being a couple and dancing the dance of love, and Matt was looking panicky and tearful and saying things like "Yes, I pretend I'm in love with her" and Flavia was deploying her best "I'm dancing in uncomfortable shoes but the show must go on" smile. Footage from training, however, showed flirtation beyond the call of duty and some neck kissing. YES. REMEMBER THE NECK KISSING.

Then, in tonight's show - filmed only a few hours later on Saturday, remember - Vincent and Flavia are announced as doing a special solo dance, "a very romantic waltz". That's Flavia, and Vincent. Her (official) boyfriend. They come on dressed as extras from Swan Lake and do what indeed turns out to be a very romantic waltz, which ends up with Vincent holding her and - yes - KISSING HER NECK.

What is going on? What? What? Is Flavia with Matt? Is Flavia with Vincent? Is Flavia with Matt *and* Vincent? Is she in transition between the two? Or back and forth and back and forth and back and forth? Who has the neck kissing rights? Was Vincent stirring up trouble between his ex and her new lover? Was the neck kissing part of the dance? Or was it sincere?

I must know! I must! These questions are never properly addressed on Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two! And what am I going to do if Matt gets voted off and chooses not to sell his story to a tabloid newspaper? I'll never find out! I can't bear it! I cannot be denied!

[long exhalation...]

And you thought this was a dancing competition?

Strictly Come Dancing: Week 9

Forget everything. Forget Tess's belt, forget Brucie's jokes about Leticia's facedancing, forget Leticia vomiting, forget Tess's quips about Matt and Flavia's "dance of love" and Matt's panic every time love was mentioned (bless him, he's only 12, or legal equivalent), forget Alesha and Matt and Leticia and Kenny and you can even forget about Gethin's waltz. Because tonight was about one thing, and one thing only. Gethin's salsa.

How to describe? At times like this an inferior writer such as myself is defeated and must reach for the words of the bard. By which of course I mean AA Milne. Or possibly Disney interpretor thereof.

The wonderful thing about Gethin
Is Gethin's a wonderful thing
His top is made out of rubber
His bottom is made out of springs
And he's bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun fun fun fun fun!
And the most wonderful thing about Gethin is
His salsa's next to none!

Am I getting too overexcited? It's just that until now he's been so - let's not mince words - soul-crushingly tedious, and suddenly he's had the Ramprakash injection! Go! Go Gethin!

You know, I could write more about this, or you could just watch it.

See what I mean?

I may now have to have him in the final just so he can perform the full-length version. I'm getting very torn in my loyalties, I must confess.

Strictly Come Dancing: Goodbye Kelly

So Kelly Brook has decided to leave Strictly Come Dancing following the death of her father from cancer.

It's pretty hard to be witty and entertaining about this kind of thing. At times like this you realise that the whole edifice on which celebrity culture is built - essentially, forming instant and passionate like or dislikes for people that you know next to nothing about, based on factors such as whether they keep their mouth open the whole time when people are talking to them - is a pretty fragile one. It's impossible to wish this kind of thing on anybody. Also, I am going to miss her loads on Strictly, because I adored the terrible dichotomy that she raised in me, i.e. it being obvious that she was one of the best dancers, but (OK, OK) not wanting her to win because I found her irritating. Sigh. I'm sure she is actually really nice, poor thing.

Having said that, I reckon it is still pretty safe to hate Brendan.