Strictlywatch 2010: Post-Blackpool hangover

ladangentitiforstricodaanheryourhobruforandteda -

Sorry, what was that? Oh, I'm just giving you the real experience of watching pre-recorded Strictly round my gaff on a Sunday evening. In other words, in fast forward.

Which means it's straight into dance one, with Kara and Artem. They're jiving! Are you excited? I'm excited! Well, I would be if I wasn't still sick as a bag of parrots, but I can imagine being excited, and that kind of mental leap, people, is why I am paid the big author bucks. Artem would be excited too, if he didn't have a broken neck and tonsillitis. In the background of the VT they are playing 'Tainted Love.' In case you missed it: they are in love, and Artem is tainted.

Now, I am most definitely on team Kartem, but while this is characteristically nifty, with some lovely choreography from poor, disease-ridden Artem, I actually think Kara is a bit too elegant for the jive. It's less Rockin' Robin and more Rockin' Swan Lake.

Len enthuses. Alesha - DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT IS ALESHA WEARING? It's a frou-frou one-shouldered rose-pink bridesmaid's gown, accessorised with earrings in the shape of mirror balls and a matching ring. Oh honey, don't wear the set. On ITT this week, they did a judges' greatest moments section. Alesha's greatest moments consisted of saying "your best dance" and "well done". Never mind though, there is always Bruno, who steps up to the plate with "Kara von Teese, the sexy jiving peanut." Love you Bruno, love your work.

Scores: 7, 9, 9, 9 and 8 from me.

Next Ann and Anton. In the VT, Ann says that she is in it to win it. It sounds like a threat.

Oh Christ, it's a rumba. With a Titanic theme. To My Heart Will Go On.

Which is actually the best I can say for it, because Ann does almost nothing in this dance. I get that it's hilARious to watch a fat angry Tory ballroom dance, but I reckon any average human being could learn Ann's part in about twenty minutes. If she's going to be in it to win it, she could try doing something, instead of relying on the novelty factor and Anton.

Scores: 1, 5, 5, 3 and 1 from me.

Now it's Patsy and Robin. Robin looks a bit like a squished Artem, and has chosen to confuse us further by wearing a hat. HATS ARE ARTEM'S THING, ROBIN. GET YOUR OWN THING. Gloves, perhaps. Much of the VT is taken by Patsy remarking on Len's comment last week that "You got off on the wrong trotter". 'They love comparing me to animals,' says Patsy. Hmmm. Not *all* animals.

Their dance is an Argentine Tango. Patsy is dressed as the Angel of Death, and has an injured foot. It looks like exactly the kind of dance you might choreograph for someone with an injured foot. Will-anybody-notice-if-I-just-sort-of-carry-her-around-a-bit. Yes, Robin. I will notice.

(And rather late in the day, we take a moment to thank our fabulous singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Bruno complains about the lack of spunk. I see the opportunity for a joke, but let it pass.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 7 and 6 from me.

Next up, Scott and Natalie. In the VT, Scott makes a bid for popularity by whingeing about his scores, saying that he's working two jobs and that he's "jaded". He then says "when I'm very tired, I like to mess about, and certain characters come out." He's the Incredible Hulk with narcolepsy. You won't like him when he's sleepy.

And guess what? I don't like him when he's sleepy. He forgets half the dance. At one point Natalie has to pull him around by the neck. If only it was a comedy moment in a Charleston. Alas, it's an American Smooth.

Scores: 6, 7, 9, 9 and 6 from me. The 9s are insane.

There now follows a VT interlude based on The Magnificent Seven where all the contestants wear cowboy hats and stand in a fake Wild West backdrop talking in terrible American accents about being still in the competition. It is just plain horrible. Ann's cowboy hat is tiger-print. Remind me, how many of the Magnificent Seven ended up getting shot?

I'm really not enjoying Strictly tonight, I've got to be honest with you. And it's Gavin and Katya next. All the way through the VT, all Gavin can talk about is how much he's hating the dance. Let me tell you, my hopes are not up. No. They are down.

It's more comedy choreography from Katya, the main problem being that Katya isn't very funny. The joke is that they are on a film set, and that Gavin is wearing glasses and green tartan golfing trousers. No? Me neither. It starts badly and it ends badly, but there is a sudden and desperately surprising good bit in the middle. I only wish someone was watching with me and could confirm that it really happened.

Len compares the dance to wearing an angora beret. Craig compares it to Ann Widdecombe. THE KNIVES ARE OUT.

Scores: 3, 6, 7, 6 and 5 from me. Tess refers to Gavin as 'boyo'. Oh Tess. I know it's in your contract that you have to mention Gavin being Welsh every week, but I think it's probably best to stay clear of words that are officially classed as insults under the race relations act.

Next it's Matt and Aliona. Rescue me, Matt. In the VT, Matt says, "There's no doubt about it, Aliona and I are a great team, to be honest." Thus I conclude that he HATES her. Aliona says "Our secret is that we understand each other very well without talking to each other." Yup. She hates him back. Much as I love watching Matt and Aliona dance, there is a little part of me - well, a medium sized part of me - oh OK, I basically am dying to see them crack and start trying to kill each other on the dancefloor. First Matt would pull her by her My Little Pony pink hair. Then Aliona would gouge her talons down his happy farmer face. Come on, admit it, it would be AMAZING.

Instead they perform an American Smooth. (I can't help but notice that the producers - the same producers that make Scott look like an arrogant, self-satisfied cock in the VT each week - are also giving him the same dance as Matt each week, as if to say to the audience, "Look at these two identical dances, and see how much better one of them is." Who did Scott shag and never call back?) It's clearly been designed to be incredibly romantic - flowing garments, glorious lifts, do I detect rumba-influence choreography? - and yet the whole thing is immeasurably improved for me by imagining the two of them spending the entire dance thinking about how much they loathe each other and devising elaborate revenge scenarios in the manner of Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas in War of the Roses. "When I watch you eat, when I see you asleep, when I look at you lately, I just wanna smash your face in."

Alesha says that she's disappointed, because she didn't feel relaxed watching it, and Matt's face looked "tense". I have to agree, if by "tense" she means "you looked like you wanted to bite off one of Aliona's ears". Bruno genuinely mentions the words "American Psycho" and "murder". Apparently, I am not alone.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 and 9 from me, though I'd have given another point for bloodshed. Tell you what, I have massively perked up.

Lastly, Pamela and James doing a Charleston. Yay! Best moment of the VT involves Pamela stuck hanging upside down by the microphone cable from James's arse. I am nothing if not a woman of sophisticated tastes.

They are dancing to Let's Misbehave and the theme of the dance is two teachers sneaking away for sexy time. It's lots of fun and full of charm, and yet the word that springs immediately to my mind is "gallumphing". I'm not sure that's a great ballroom dancing word.

Judges in ecstasies.

Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 and 9 from me.

Results? Patsy and Gavin bottom two, Patsy out.