Strictlywatch 2010: Movie Special

In honour of the STRICTLY COME DANCING MOVIE SPECIAL, Tess has chosen to dress as an Oscar. I have chosen to dress in a dressing gown and turn over some new leaves. Leaf number one: no fast forwarding. Yes, I am doing the full Bruce. Leaf number two: I am saying goodbye to grumpy judge and hello to nice judge. I could pretend this is because I'm a decent human being, but actually it's because I watched ITT on Friday and I already know that this show is going to be a corker. A corker! Let's go!

First up are Scott and Natalie. Last week, Scott totally forgot what he was doing and was punished by getting two nines from Alesha and Bruno.

This week is better. I'm no fan of the Paso, which is just the rumba with horns, and I always undermark. They dance to the James Bond theme, though, which should counteract this, as it is a track which is always guaranteed to get me speeding if I listen to it in the car. Ba ba dum! Ba ba ba dumpity dum dum! I'm going to have a Len-style mind-melt! Natalie is dressed in an Ursula Andress white bikini, with a train, which Ursula never thought of - I should establish that my train I mean an open skirt thingy, rather than an actual train, which I wouldn't put past the Strictly wardrobe. And speaking of wardrobe, it's shirt off time for Scott! They must really want the votes. The dancing is - good, really. Yeah. I'd say good.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 - so apparently Alesha and Bruno think that this was equal to last week. 8 from me.

Next it's Ann and Anton, who are consistently being put second in the hope that it's the least showy slot of the night and people might forget to vote for them. Fat chance. She is also in culottes, the costume of death. Everyone goes out in trews. Here's what Stephanie had to say about that in the Blackpool week comments: "Felicity was wearing palazzo pants this week. Tina was in sparkly leggings the week she went. And Flavia wore trousers the week Jimi went. Clearly the viewing public does not approve of ladies dancing in trousers." And yet: fat, fat chance.

Ann has stooped to learning the routine this week, which makes a nice change.

Bruno: "A Dalek in drag." Then adds: "It's different, it's never been seen before." Steven Moffat, pay attention.

Scores: 2, 5, 4, 3 and 4 from me. There was actual dancing. This must be recognised.

Now it's Matt and Aliona. The veneer of niceness has really been chipped off Matt of late, revealing the angry, salivating competitive beast within. I don't fancy him any more, but I'm finding it terrifically entertaining. I wouldn't be at all surprised next week if he went the full Tonya Harding and smashed Scott's knees with a sledgehammer.

They dance a jive to Soul Bossa Nova aka the Austin Powers theme. It starts amazingly with a backflip off the judges' desk - perfect landing, Matt! - and some great Austin-y character moves. Matt as Austin Powers is super-cute in his velvet suit and geeky specs. So let's see if Aliona - dressed as Geri Haliwell, naturally - can ruin it. Like Barack Obama, YES SHE CAN! The planted-foot, arm-moving bit is nutso. Jive means move your feet! In some language I speak and you don't.

Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 and 9 from me.

The next couple, Pamela and James, in a moment of purest VT genius, recreate the pottery moment from Ghost. This is James's season. It will never be better than this for him. You're likeable, James! Savour the moment.

They dance a lovely, romantic Viennese Waltz to Unchained Melody, which is only enhanced by a ludicrous finale featuring James Jordan, as the ghost in question, ascending the stairway to heaven and leaving poor Pamela behind. Ah James, leaving no cheese unturned.

Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10. Which makes me feel very sheepish about raining on the parade with my 9. Maybe just drizzling on the parade.

Next is Gavin and Katya. I don't think I've been giving Katya enough props for being completely hilarious in the face of the Gavinsanity. In fact I might be in love with Katya. I was last year, when she partnered Phil Tufnell. I wish she'd partnered Matt. I might still want to shag him if she had, instead of my main Strictly crush now consisting of the kind of Head Girl fantasies I last experienced at the age of 11 over our actual head girl who I think ended up being in a terrible island-based movie with Kelly Brook. Anyway, moving along.

The theme is Blues Brothers - most excellent song choice of Minnie the Moocher - and Katya is dancing in menswear. Sexy menswear. Backless menswear. Can we take the opportunity to show how not to do sexy, backless menswear? Again, let's evoke Barack Obama: yes we can!



Oh Celine.

Anyway, the dance is pretty good. Which is the equivalent of excellent for Gavin.

Scores: 7, 9, 9, 8 and 7 from me. I'm not sure what 9s mean these days. They are being handed out like sweets at the moment.

Now it's time for Kara and Artem. They are dancing a tango! BRING IT ON! To the tango version of Roxanne from Moulin Rouge! BRIIIING IIIIIT OOOOOOOON!!! But first, Artem is quizzed about his feelings for Kara, and - what's this? - "I'm confirming the rumours." EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Oh Strictly, this is SO kicking the arse of last week.

This tango is one of the best dances I have EVER seen on Strictly. And easily the best tango. Artem's choreography is astounding. While we're doing bests, he's got to be the best choreographer they've ever had. It's incredible. Gorgeous, sexy, wonderful. And other words like that, go ahead and pick your own. KARTEM FOR THE WIN!!! Also, when I go on Strictly, I am TOTALLY dancing with Artem. Please don't tell me he's five inches shorter than me. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

9, 9, 10, 10 - COME ON, Craig and Len. What do you want, blood? 10 from me, obvs.

And that's all! God, it goes fast when there's only six of them left. And you know what? I reckon it could be a shock exit for Matt. Katya was in trousers though. That's a risky move. The curse of Stephanie may be upon her.

We'll have to wait til tomorrow to find out. You know what to do in the meantime: keeeeeep dancing!

UPDATE: WIDDY OUT!!!!!!!!! It must have been the culottes. Excellent work, Stephanie.