On loo books

Officially, I disapprove of loo books (books published with the primary intention of providing entertainment for those in the process of defecation). When I am in bookshops I disdain their table and their shiny-covered hardbacks as purveyors of overpriced filler, as I sweep past on the way to the Proper Books Shelves. I sigh at their predictable proliferation around Christmas-time, wishing people would buy Real Books (ie my book) for their loved ones instead.

Unofficially, I have a stack of them in my loo. Don't you? And I have to say my selection is strikingly good, so I thought I'd share them with you (not literally, I'd rather you didn't all come round to use the loo).

In no particular order:

Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives, by David Eagleman
Exactly as the subtitle tells you, this comprises forty very short stories about what might just happen to you after you die. So, for example, story one: "In the afterlife you relive all your experiences, but this time with the events reshuffled into a new group order: all the moments that share a quality are grouped together. You spend two months driving the street in front of your house, seven months having sex." And so on. It is a work or genius, irritating genius, given that the author is also a neuroscientist. You should not be able to be this good at two things. (Maybe he is a shit neuroscientist.) Loo rating compromised by the stories being a bit too long. This is really one for extended trips, when nobody is waiting outside for their turn.

100 Facts about Pandas, by David O'Doherty, Claudia O'Doherty & Mike Ahern
Panda facts include: "36: Since Louis XIV proclaimed panda meat to be 'juicier than lobster and tastier than peacock', it has become tradition for the departing French heads of state to be served panda as their final meal. President Jacques Chirac enraged animal protection groups when he held four rehearsal diners before his one official panda meal. Chirac dismissed the protests, saying his roux chef 'needed to get the sauce right'." Loo rating high: only a few seconds per entry, and pretty pictures too.

Dr. Johnson's Dictionary of Modern Life: Survey, Definition and Justify'd Lampoonery of Divers Contemporary Phenomena, from "Top Gear" Unto Twitter
By Book Swap alumnus Tom Morton! The title of the book is longer than most of the entries, which savvy tweeters will already be familiar with (follow @drsamueljohnson) but for the uninitiated: "ABBA: n. four Quaterns of Vikings most obvious in Rhyming Couplets; yet most mysterious as to who is the FIT ONE". Loo rating: bonus points for including longer themed disquisitions on topics including C is for Celebrity or E is for England, so that loo visitors may adapt length according to need.

Mistakes in the Background, by Laura Dockrill
Picked this one up at Book Swap. I always like to have some poetry in the loo; makes me feel sophisticated, and also means that I might read some poetry maybe. I don't really read poetry. I haven't read any of this. Sorry Laura. But I love the cover, and it has free stickers. Loo rating: unknown.

Would You Rather...: Over 200 Absolutely Absurd Dilemmas to Ponder, by Juston Heimberg & David Gomberg
Given to me by my sister in honour of our childhood game where she'd invent horrible 'would you rather' dilemmas for me. These are excellent, although rely slightly too heavily on American cultural references for the average British punter. Loo rating: quick to read, but you may be stuck in the bathroom for hours trying to decide on: "Would you rather: have a variety of dyslexia where anything you try to read becomes a page from 'Yes, I Can', the story of Sammy David Jr OR have a bizarre sleep disorder where you always wake up on a train to New Orleans?"

Venn That Tune: Bringing the Poetry of Maths to the Magic of Pop! by Andrew Viner
You're going to need a visual aid for this one:


Loo rating: high, but you might accidentally read the entire book in one sitting, as it were.

They Call Me Naughty Lola: The London Review of Books Personal Ads: A Reader, edited by David Rose
Not only my favourite loo book but one of my favourite books of any variety. A friend of mine once emerged from my bathroom after quite some time and announced: 'You have a loo trap in there.' She meant this book. "You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box no. 3321." (In the footnotes, the book helpfully gives a potted biography of Herve Villechaize, aka Nick Nack from The Man with the Golden Gun, for those unfamiliar with his work.) Loo rating: unbeatable.

The Frozen Thames, by Helen Humphreys
A gorgeous little book I picked up when touring Gods Behaving Badly in Canada, it comprises a series of short stories set on those occasions when the Thames froze over completely. Loo rating low: they're really too long to read on the loo, and I should move this book to somewhere it will be better appreciated. Like the bath.

Binky's Guide to Love: A Little Book of Hell by Matt Groening
Time for another visual aid:


Loo rating: excellent. Emerge not only physically relieved, but spiritually cleansed of all romantic bitterness.

And there we have it. An exceptional selection, I'm sure you'll agree. What books do you have in your loo?

Music Monday: Miliband special

So for one selfish reason at least I am glad that Ed Miliband won, because it gives my 'time I met him at a barbecue' anecdote so much more currency. Maybe I should save it until he's Prime Minister, but seeing as that's not exactly guaranteed, I will tell it now. It was around the time that Gordon Brown took over from Blair, but before we all hated Gordon; we were in Hay on Wye; he had a stinking cold.

Him: Hi, I'm Ed.
Me: Hi Ed. So what do you do?

(I paraphrase. We may have discussed the sausages and the quality of literary entertainment on offer first.)

Him: I'm an MP.
Me: Really? That must be very interesting. God, it's hard becoming an MP isn't it? How did you manage to get selected for your seat?
Him: I work very closely with Gordon Brown.

(Hear that sound? It's the sound of a penny not dropping.)

Me: Oh, now is a good time to be on Team Gordon. I like Gordon Brown. He reminds me of my dad.

(Gordon Brown does not remind me of my dad. They both have the same colour hair and that's about it.)

Him: So what do you do?
Me: I'm an author.
Him: I never read fiction.

(I like to think he said this so that he, too, would have contributed something idiotic to the conversation.)

Me: Oh well you should read my book anyway. In fact, what you should do is, when you have constituency surgeries in - where's your constituency?
Him: Doncaster.
Me: Is that in the north? Anyway, when you have constituency surgeries in Doncaster, you should always be reading Gods Behaving Badly when people come in, and be laughing loudly, and then put it cover side up on your desk and wipe your eyes and say "That's such a funny book. What can I do for you?"
Him: Please excuse me. I need to go to the loo now.

I have seen Ed Miliband in Hay on Wye on a number of occasions since, and every single time, I have hidden.

This is the song that I got stuck in my head when the leadership was announced. It is not by the Steve Miller Band but I'm glad to see that joke's still trucking along. No visuals, sadly all the ones where you can see the sequence from Cabaret have had their embedding disabled.

Music Monday

Yes yes yes. I know everyone's been talking about Janelle Monae for months. I have been busy.

Strictlywatch 2010: the dancers are announced!

Hear ye, hear ye. This was going to be a properly put together (and, for that matter, proof-read - be forgiving) Strictly post with pictures and links and stuff, but I'm going to be late for the cinema if I don't leave right now. Please feel free to imagine what I'd say about excitement and sequins and the fact that Brucie is still alive, and insert it here.

Ann Widdecombe - MP and the first Strictly contestant who I have actually met. I interviewed her for a programme on the history of Christianity which I worked on back in my TV days. Her office is lined with two sets of pictures - a bunch of Garfield cartoons along the lines of "I'm not fat, I'm under-tall", and a series of photographs of aborted foetuses. She had written five novels - who knew? I would be neither surprised nor unhappy to see her get knocked out pretty quickly.

Felicity Kendal - Actress. Love her. Will not hear a word against her. Kendall for the win! I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way, which may keep her in for a while, but anyone under the age of 30 might struggle to know who she is, unless they recognise her from Doctor Who.

Gavin Henson - Surely a front runner: plays rugby, is hot. His split from Charlotte Church may enhance his chances as this way she won't come and warble on the results show and put people off, not unless they totally want to fuck with his head that is (it's a possibility).

Goldie - Drum n Bass musician. Was good on Maestro, the underrated celebrity conducting show. Possible dark horse, possible unmoving lump of gold-plated concrete, who can say?

Jimi Mistry - Dr Gay Fun-seeker on Eastenders! And successful Hollywood actor etc. I'm trying to remember his Bollywood moves in not-terribly-good porn satire The Guru. The fact that I've forgotten bodes reasonably well. I'd remember horror, surely.

Kara Tointon - Dawn from Eastenders apparently. Also apparently lots of people still watch Eastenders. According to the BBC site she has already won Strictly once, albeit the Sport Relief version, partnering Mark Ramprakash. As this presumably indicates that she can dance, file her under "the really good one who is knocked out three weeks before the end because girl voters suspect her of being bitch or smug".

Matt Baker - former BBC presenter, this year's Gethyn / Chris: will do well. Even if he wasn't a former gymnastics champion, which he is. He can do backflips, and will do backflips, and Len will hate it. The public won't.

Michelle Williams - not the rather serious Hollywood actress who used to be in Dawson's Creek, but the Destiny's Child singer. Will be knocked out immediately for being too naturally gifted and American.

Pamela Stevenson - Billy Connelly's wife, former comedian, now psychologist. Analyses celebs for TV and normal people (normal people with psychological problems, I mean) for The Guardian. I have no idea what she is doing here. Her relationship to fame could do with close scrutiny. Unless she's got magic dance legs I don't think she'll last long. I note the BBC describes her as a sexologist (??) who believes that dance and sex are intrinsically linked. Partnering Brendan, perhaps? Am properly excited by the thought of Billy Connelly on It Takes Two.

Patsy Kensit - not terribly good actress and singer who is likely to be a not terribly good dancer either.

Paul Daniels - magician, now mostly famous for Mrs Merton's quip to wife Debbie Magee "what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?" I loathe magic and therefore pray for a week one eviction. The world may comply.

Peter Shilton - England goalkeeper. That just suggests stiff to me.

Scott Maslen - Another Eastenders alumnus. Quite hot, it seems. Just saying.

Tina O'Brien - off Corrie! Probably obliged under BBC charter to have one after all those Eastenders stars. I get the feeling she's whatever the northern equivalent is of a loveable cockney sparrer and therefore will be forgiven for being able to dance. Even I like her, and I have never seen her say or do anything.

THUS my frontrunners, having never seen them dance: Gavin Henson, Matt Baker, Tina O'Brien.

Your thoughts?

Music Monday

A short Music Monday today. I've been finding myself singing this song a lot lately for obvious reasons, and it reminded me how fantastic the whole of the Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid soundtrack is (also check out the brilliant 'South American Getaway'), and thence how fantastic the whole of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is, one of my favourite films for a long time and probably only not now because it's so long since I've watched it, and so how I absolutely must watch it again. But in the meantime, here's the classic bicycle scene with Paul Newman and Katharine Ross looking impossibly young and beautiful:



Oh screw it, here's 'South American Getaway' as well:

Events, Dear Girl, Events

Harold Macmillan: would be attending if he hadn't died in 1986.

It is ALL GO in the heady world of events performed at by me. You'd almost think I had a new book out! But I don't.

But let's not allow that to interfere with our excitement!

On MONDAY SEPTEMBER 13TH I will be appearing at the soon-to-be-renamed TO HELL WITH THE LIGHTHOUSE night, featuring a special launch of the new FAT QUARTER magazine (hmm, really not sure where I'm going with all these caps - but hey, I've started so I'll finish) and you can find all the details HERE. Other readers are ANJALI JOSEPH and JEAN HANNAH EDELSTEIN and the thing that I should have saved the caps for is that IN A FIT OF INSANITY I HAVE AGREED TO READ FROM MY NEW NOVEL, YOU KNOW, THE ONE I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET OR EVEN GIVEN A NAME TO. It's a pretty major exclusive seeing as the only people to have seen a word of this are my agent, my UK and Canadian publishers, and one friend, and if you all hate it, well, I could have a total meltdown as I watch two years' work goes down the tubes. So no pressure there, then. All this will be taking place at PETER PARKER'S ROCK'N'ROLL CLUB, Denmark Street WC2H 8LP at 7.30pm. Do I know anything about Peter Parker's Rock'n'Roll Club? No. Does it sound cool? HELL TO THE YEAH.

THEN, on THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 16TH is the FIRESTATION BOOKSWAP at the Windsor Firestation, details HERE. Apparently there is some dispute as to whether "bookswap" is all one word. IT IS. Even if I am the only person who says so. As ever I will be co-hosting with SCOTT PACK but FAR MORE EXCITINGLY THAN THAT our guests this month are TIM COATES, who used to head up Waterstones and is now a(n) historian, and who I invited to take part because I did an event with him a few months ago and he was so incredibly interesting that I was SLACK-JAWED WITH AMAZEMENT - how often am I slack-jawed for any reason? Why, NEVER. And TOM MORTON aka @DRSAMUELJOHNSON on Twitter. Non-Twitterers, you can still read Tom Morton aka Dr J's twitterings by going to www.twitter.com/drsamueljohnson and I'm fairly sure that you will find him so funny that you will either JOIN TWITTER and go around saying to people YOU KNOW, I NEVER USED TO UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF TWITTER, BUT NOW I DO, or BUY HIS BOOK or - radical suggestion - COME TO THE BOOKSWAP. Or ALL THREE.

Is that enough? IT'S NOT ENOUGH. On Monday September 27th we are doing ANOTHER BOOKSWAP. I don't know where. It's just in my diary. But I think it's at the Independent Bookseller's conference in Warwick, which you may not attend, UNLESS YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT BOOKSELLER.

AND THEN on Thursday September 30th I am doing a STORYTELLING EVENT in which I will be TELLING A STORY and also providing the words for some FICTIONAL LETTERS to be read by people OTHER THAN ME. This event is called TALL TALES and takes place at the GOOD SHIP in KILBURN and I am NOT REMOTELY SURE HOW YOU CAN ARRANGE TO COME TO THIS, it is arranged by ROBERT HUDSON, go and bother him about it, why don't you.

On October 1st, I will be staying in and watching television.

THAT IS ALL.