Strictlywatch 2010: Halloween Special

So... late means dead, right? And Halloween is about dead things and zombies and ghouls, yes? So really, it's appropriate that my review of the Strictly Halloween Special is late, yes? Yes?

Hell's bells! Being days behind and having decided to speed my way through Strictly with liberal use of the fast forward button, I almost missed the opening paso doble, which would have been a *catastrophe* - because I think we all know by now exactly how I'd feel about a group of muscular, bare-chested men in eye make-up doing macho and somewhat homoerotic coordinated dance moves to a soundtrack of Supermassive Black Hole by Muse (an appropriately macho yet homoerotic song, featuring excellent falsetto from someone out of the fabulous singers, Dave Arch and the wonderful orchestra), and that's before we've even added CAPES. Tonight is my night, baby! (Or to be accurate, Saturday night is my bits and pieces over the next few days, baby.) Bring on the Strictly Come Dancing Halloween Special! The dancers are ready and dressed to kill! Or to put it another way, like death warmed up. Literally.

First up, Pamela and James, who bring on a piece of supportive VT from Robin Williams in their intro footage. Trump card! We watch James teasing Pamela and once again I am forced to reflect on how Strictly makes me like people I don't like. I didn't like Camilla until she danced with Tom. I didn't like Ola until she danced with Chris. And now I am starting to like James. Note: Tom and Chris both won.

They are dancing a jive, for which James has dressed as the devil and Pamela as the fiery flames of hell (but through the medium of DANCE. And sequins.) It's a nice jive, with good little kicks and great turns, but I don't like what Pamela is doing with her arms. They're ineffectually up by her sides and remind me of the wings on an oven-ready chicken.

Damning with faint praise from the judges. Craig specifies that he didn't like the kicks. I won't be getting that judging gig any time soon. No mention of the arms, or chickens.

Scores, on little pumpkin scorecards: 6, 7, 7, 7 - I would have gone with a 7.

Next up, Tina and Jared, dancing an Argentine tango. I am excited. It's my favourite dance, and usually they make us wait until the semi-final. Jared is very flirty in the VT. I like flirty Jared. Not sure Tina does.

Tina is dressed as the zombie version of Olivia Newton John's "sexy" final outfit (and fright wig) in Grease. Why has nobody ever thought of doing a zombie version of Grease before? Too late suckers, I've copyrighted the idea.

It's great choreography, intensely performed and Tina does well with all the leg flicks and jumps, but she still can't dance in some fundamental way. Her transitions are awful, she just sort of walks around. I can't be bothered to check, but I suspect I have written "she just sort of walks around" in every Tina review except for that week when she got chicken pox. Another mention of chicken. Am I hungry?

Alesha is a very talkative judge tonight. Bruno accidentally punches her. Hmmm. Craig mentions Olivia Newton John. Fashion-wise we are on the same page at least. And then he starts talking about the solar plexus and loses me again.

Scores: 6, 8, 7, 7 - would have been another 7 from me too.

Now it's Kara and Artem. He is dressed as the Phantom of the Opera. I am not convinced this is a good thing. According to the VT, they will also be dancing (a Paso Doble) to the Phantom of the Opera. I am even less convinced that this is a good thing. They are having a miserable time in training and they don't know why. But I know why. They decide to cheer themselves up by going to see - guess what? It won't work, kids.

There is so much dry ice that I can barely see the dance. Once the pea souper clears, it's good - Kara is a lovely, elegant dancer, and this is spirited (no pun intended). But I am fatally distracted by the question of whether they are At It. I don't think they are, but Why Miss Jones is so convinced. I know what you're thinking, I was wrong about Ali and Brian, but they conveniently broke up straight after the run of their West End show finished, so I'm not sure I was *that* wrong.

Bruno reckons it was oozing with drama and passion. Craig says it finally had some passion. Len: "A fire". Maybe I am wrong after all. My sexy judgment is impaired! I blame the clocks going back. Alesha says nothing. That'll learn her.

Scores: 9, 9, 10, 9. Me, I say 9. (This is a slight cheat. I originally said 8, but having watched the rest of the episode I have gone back and changed it. I know when I am wrong. Except when I am right and all of you are wrong.)

In the link, I am increasingly mesmerised by Tess's grotesque zigzag belt. It's oddly reminiscent of Thundercats. Can I get a graphic? Yes I can:



Now it's Patsy and Robin. They are still in, apparently. This can only mean one thing: at some point soon, someone will call her "the dark horse of this competition."

They are doing the jive, and Robin begins the dance spreadeagled on a mortician's slab while Patsy lurks behind some test tubes. That's VERY jive. And they are DEFINITELY going to be dancing to The Monster Mash. - Yes they are! Glad to see some of my critical faculties are intact, even if only in the clothes and music areas. Anyway, it's very silly and quite fun. In fact there are bits that I love. Like when Robin puts his head between Patsy's boobs and shakes it from side to side in what I believe - and please correct me, as I fear I may be veering from the path here - is known as a numnumnumnumnum. I wonder if this is a recognised ballroom move?

The judges seem to be being nice, but I am distracted (I am spending a lot of this episode being distracted) by Patsy's eye make-up, which is an abomination. Imagine trying to do a Bollywood look but all you have is a black marker pen.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 - and a 7 from me.

Next are Felicity and Vincent, whose problems learning the Viennese Waltz lead in no logical way to the arrival of the cutest Strictly guest appearance in the history of training footage: Vincent's adorable tiny son. Vote! Vote to keep in Vincent son! Then he can be a prop in their showdance in the final.

For once I actually like the gimmicky stuff at the start - Felicity and Vincent at the top of the stairs, spinning around each other wearing lengthy hooded capes and Viennese masks - but even if you hadn't seen the VT it's obvious that Felicity hates this dance: she does her best but she staggers dizzily - bad, bad feet. This, as they say, is not her week. Though I can't help but notice that she has the best dress yet again, scarlet with a gold back, and I wonder if it's because she's lovely to the costumiers, or a control freak diva, or if they have a list in the design room with one word beside each name so Ola must always be SLUTTY while Felicity is CLASSY.

Len complains about the gimmicky stuff at the beginning, as if he has no idea that the production team have told all the pro dancers to choreograph these bits in to keep ratings up. Bruno compares it to the Da Vinci Code, though I think he means it in a nice way, rather than interminable, repetitive, and with many references to agonising tortures. When they go to the reaction shot of Felicity I have a Patsy moment: her eyebrow adornments appear to have been done with Tippex. Everyone aside from Len likes the opening sequence, take note choreographers: you can do it without being naff.

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7 and a 6 from me.

Now it's Jimi and Flavia. Jimi is very excited because they are dancing a Paso to Thriller, and Michael Jackson is his hero, cue lots of pictures of Jimi as a kid in Michael Jackson outfits, his mum giving another charming interview - I love Jimi's, sorry, James's mum - and one terrible, terrible wig. I heart Jimi, I do.

They are, of course, dressed like zombies, and the producers break out the dry ice again, which means that I can barely see the first half of the dance. Eventually I witness enough and I don't like what I see. It looks to be like a rumba on steroids. The best thing about it is Jimi's contact lenses. The contact lenses should never be the best thing about a dance: even I know that.

But what do I know? The judges love it. Much is made of Jimi's shapes. Apparently, they are good.

What are Jimi's scores? I do not know because at his point I paused in my blogging duties, and my computer didn't save them. I seem to remember they were crazy high, like 8s, whereas I was thinking more in the vicinity of a 6.

Michelle and Brendan up next. Brendan is dressed as Riff Raff from the Rocky Horror and is astonishingly convincing, in fact I think I prefer him in this guise. Michelle is dressed as a sexy festive pumpkin. They dance the Time Warp, and it is insane and brilliant, right up until the bit where they actually have to do the Time Warp, when it is suddenly a bit rubbish. I did like the "jump to the left" though.

Bruce and Craig love it - Craig calls it lobotomised "in a good way" - but there's an almighty bust-up between Brendan and Len over the Time Warp bit. Brendan is heard protesting that it only lasted 20 seconds, and he was careful to time it, which makes me, the Strictly nerd, all excited because it would seem to suggest that every dance is allowed exactly 20 seconds of stupid faffing, just usually they put it at the beginning. Which explains a lot. Also, in that case, Len really should stop marking them down for it.

Scores are 7, 6, 8, 8, and an 8 from me even though Michelle balls up the footwork, because I want to encourage her in her pumpkin-based lunacy.

Now it's Gavin and Katya. I am starting to love Gavin all over again, ever since I saw him on ITT and when asked what he most misses when he goes on holiday, his reply was a particularly flattering mirror in his house. He reminds me of a small, obsessive child, like my nephew who insisted on wearing a pirate outfit complete with mask for about a year and went to bed every night with whatever kitchen implement had been acting as his sword that day. Bless.

For their paso, Gavin is dancing topless. Katya's concession to Halloween is to flash a pair of red knickers underneath her white dress, in a disconcertingly sexy moment which rather sets the tone for the whole dance. Particularly, as it turns out, the bit where Gavin rips off Katya's dress leaving only the red knickers (leotard, as it turns out) behind. With all this flesh on show it is only with some effort that I can report that this actually seems to be quite good. For Gavin.

Bruno says that Gavin should "reveal more of himself". I don't think this would be a very good idea.

Scores: 5, 7, 7, 7 and a 6 from me.

In Ssssscott and Natalie's VT, Ssssscott reveals that he has a cold and talks about mucus. Thus, for the duration of their dance, all I can think of is mucus. It's a waltz, so Sssscott's main job is to go round and round. He goes round and round well, but still - MUCUS.

I have no idea what the judges say.

Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10 and a 9 from me. MUCUS.

Now it's time for Ann and Anton. They are dancing a Paso to Wild Thing! Who is the wild thing in this scenario? Ann? Oh god no, please. Anton? No, that's worse. It's rather boring (by which I mean terminally done) for the most part, until the very end when Anton starts dragging Ann around the floor in the trademark "Sergeant" manoeuvre and spinning her round in circles. She does do the steps, though.

The judges are baffled at the force of Ann. Alesha very funnily says that Ann was like an appliance - a hoover that Anton drags around - and then Bruce says that was his joke from rehearsal. Miaow.

Scores: 2, 5, 5, 4 and a 3 from me.

Finally, Matt and Aliona. In the VT they do a sexy photoshoot involving Matt lying around in knee boots (and other clothing) amongst bales of hay, and I abandon all pretence of being impartial.

They are dancing an Argentine tango, which, as mentioned, is my favourite dance, but they seem to have replaced a lot of the Argentine tango with lifts - amazing lifts, well-executed lifts, but I would have liked more burning glances and intense leg-interweaving. I think, in general, Aliona's choreography is a bit naff. Astonishing for a woman with pink hair.

Scores: 8, 8, 9, 9 and I can't resist giving them a 9 too. You can't blame Matt for Aliona's choreography. You can tell they are disappointed with the 8s, what with all the 10s flying around the place.

As for the result, Tina went home, so I guess we'll never know whether she could have learned to dance, or would just have walked around a bit all the way to the final.