Strictlywatch 2010: week 3

And tonight!! On Strictly!!! One of my favourite dances (the Quickstep) takes on one of the ones I most love to hate (the Rumba). And Tess is wearing a gold-belted scarlet toga. Aah, Saturday night.

First shock of the night: Tina is ill and won't be dancing tonight. OK, shock may be a strong word. Slight departure from expectation. More later - hold on to your hats! (You're all wearing hats, right?)

Returning to things as they should be, opening the show are Kara and Artem. In the training footage, they are working very hard to make it look like they're dating. Do I think they're dating? No I do not.

They are dancing a quickstep to Are You Gonna be My Girl. Do I think Kara is going to be Artem's girl? No I do not. It's oddly jivey for a quickstep, and Kara is wearing a black tie over a lemon yellow prom dress, but it's a good routine and Kara is a great dancer, despite a slightly trippy bit at the edge of the stage which I think is a mistake but will probably turn out to be clever artistry. There's a cartwheel! From Kara! Oh, my lights.

(And while you recover it's a good time to welcome our fabulous singers, Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra.)

Bruno surprisingly critical, but it's all constructive. Craig is calling him picky. Second shock of the evening! I mean slight departure from expectation.

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 7 - huge boo for Bruno

Next up, Felicity and Vincent's rumba. In the training footage, Felicity is wearing leg-warmers. What exactly are leg warmers for and why were they only necessary in the eighties?

They are dancing to True Colours. Much more of an attempt could have been made to imitate Cindi Lauper's voice. This way it doesn't sound nearly as hilariously bad as it could. Felicity is wearing a black dress with a boob keyhole so we can all see how well her cleavage is doing. The choreography is very flashy, like if Vincent made a list of everything Felicity could do and just did them all in a row - now the backbend! now the splits! Multo impressivo. But to me it's a bit static in between. At the end, the lights behind them go into rainbow colours. Like a rainbow. Like in the *song*.

Len thinks it's Felicity's best dance and is not mistaken about that. Everyone is talking about flexibility. They are also not mistaken. Bruno and Craig agree with me about the transitions. Perhaps tonight I will be in Strictly harmony? Does seem unlikely.

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 7 - I have only just noticed that Alesha is dressed as a zebra. Although no mask.

Our next dancers are Patsy and Robin. Let me tell you something about the practice footage. Um, well, it isn't very interesting.

They are dancing to that KT Tunstall song that goes Woo Hoo, and Patsy misses the opening beat, so the bit on the raised stage is out of time, although that does temporarily distract me from the weird thing she is doing with her arms. What is the weird thing she is doing with her arms? Looks like she is doing a comedy mime of playing a tiny piano. Not sure if that's the intended effect. Once they get onto the floor proper, Patsy looks like she can't keep up and doesn't know what to do with her head. But it's OK. I am confident that there will be worse dances tonight.

There are many horse references from the judges. That's got to hurt.

Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 - Alesha's 7 is way high.

Now it's time for Paul and Ola. Their training footage looks like something out of Through The Keyhole. Perhaps they could be combined in some way? You have to guess who's dancing next by shots of their weird swirly living room wallpaper and the novelty wine holder in the kitchen. Ola has taken to practising in a funereal shroud. Third slight departure from expectation of the night.

They are dancing to Rihanna's Take A Bow. Wonder if Paul will take a bow at the end? AND THEY HAVE STARTED WITH MAGIC. MAKE IT STOP. Oh god. Now Paul Daniels is wiggling his bum with hands behind head in a manner reminiscent of the Alan Partridge lap dancing episode. BRING BACK THE MAGIC. You know how I said there would be worse dances than Patsy's? Sooner than I thought. Ola has clearly taken a leaf out of Anton's book and tried to make the choreography funny, but it isn't funny. It's just Paul Daniels, turning round in circles with his arms above his head. Ooh, guess what. They did bring back the magic for the ending. By then I didn't want it any more. I am fickle. The end: Paul takes a bow.

Len has just said it was entertaining. I wonder if there was a BIG meeting about entertaining-ness, post-John Sergeant? Alesha: "Oh Paul, you're so sweet, and I love that you're really, really trying." Alesha, he isn't six. Bruno has just challenged the notion that Paul's spin was funny. Bruno and I are telepathic tonight, which is particularly surprising as I'm watching with a half hour delay. Paul is blaming Ola. Not gallant.

Scores: 2, 5, 5, 4 - the 5s are insane.

Up next are Matt and Aliona, which is like last week when they put Kara straight after Ann - very unfair on Paul. Training emphasising Matt being rubbish in training - ie 'please vote for Matt even though he's a gymnast'.

Matt looks terrified at the start. There's a lot of spinning Aliona round on the floor and it doesn't quite look right. Though this may be because Aliona is wearing one giant sleeve the size of the rest of her dress, which is pale pink, making her head look like a maraschino cherry on top of a spinning strawberry sundae. A spinning strawberry sundae with one giant sleeve. But the dance improves, Matt's face improves, and soon there is much smiling, much intricate kicking, and much fun had by all. Well, by me. It's another win to team Matt! And to team sleeve.

Craig and Bruno are more positive than Alesha and Len. This is rare.

Scores: 8, 7, 8, 8 - Len has given this the same score as Felicity's. He has lost his mind! But in the wrong direction! Er... drink?

Now for Gavin and Katya. Doing the rumba, The Dance of Love TM, to 'You Are Always On My Mind'. Bruce makes a joke about them being an item but the training footage suggests quite the opposite. I am scared of Katya.

Katya is dancing in a mid-90s-style floral maxi-dress. It's another slight departure from expectation! (This feature really isn't working out quite the way I hoped.) Oh my god, it is slit to the waist with pink underpants! Hang on, I am supposed to be watching the dancing. But it's hard to, as Katya appears to be using the dress to hide Gavin. Katya and the dress dance very well together.

Len: "The rumba is a difficult dance for a big guy": drink! Alesha says that Gavin feels exposed, but he has a whole floral curtain between him and the audience.

Scores: 3, 6, 7, 6 - a 7, Alesha? What? Why? Is this you trying to assert your individuality?

It should be Tina and Jared dancing next but she's ill, so we're just getting their rumba training footage. In fact it's their chicken pox training video. Shame she won't be dancing, I'd like to see the matching chicken pox outfit. Feathers and spots?

So taking their spot, as it were, are Scott and Natalie. I can't concentrate on the training because I know they are dancing to King of the Swingers from the Jungle Book. I barely have the ability to notice how hideous all Scott's practice T-shirts are.

And it's great. Scott is really, really good. Really, really, really good. And they were dancing to the Jungle Book! In leopard print! And people ask me why I watch this programme!

Judges ecstatic. There will be at least one nine, from Alesha. Partly because today she's handing out 7s for strolling down to the bus stop.

Scores: 8, 8, 9, 9

Now it's Michelle and Brendan. Michelle is having a tough time. Brendan is nice to her.

They are dancing to Wicked Game and Michelle is dressed as Pocahontas. Her first, ah, pose, is awful. Like a small girl pretending to be a ballerina. The rest are a mixed bunch, roughly two bad to one good. I really hate the rumba.

Judges like it more than I do. Not difficult.

Scores: 4, 6, 7, 7

Next it's Peter and Erin. Peter nearly went out last week so they have got Graham Taylor to record some VT to encourage him. Yes. That Graham Taylor. The famous winner.

Immeasurably better than last week. PLUS Erin is in culottes, and they are dancing to the fabulous 'Lullaby of Broadway'. WIN.

Len has offered to show his bum in Tesco if Peter is in the bottom two this week. Other bum-displaying supermarket venues are available.

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 6

Now it's Jimi and Flavia. I should reveal at this point that I am developing a Jimi crush. He's such a cheerful poppet. This is not part of the crush, but I find it very sweet that on the VT his mum calls him James.

They are doing a rumba to Aint No Sunshine. Before they've even started, Jimi has the best rumba face ever. INTENSE. There is a *lot* more dancing in this rumba than in previous rumbas. Compare Gavin of the 'standing still' school of rumba. I'm not sure how good the dancing is - Jimi still moves like enthusiastic spaghetti - but there are good BITS, and he's so happy! The opposite of old Craig misery-guts who Flavia danced with last year. I heart him. The judges better be nice.

Len is NOT being nice. NOBODY is being nice. JUDGES: YOU ARE MEAN.

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 6 - which means that Alesha has scored him lower than everyone else tonight other than Paul Daniels.

Now Ann and Anton, who are doing a quickstep. They are soundtracking the practice footage with The Runaway Train. Sadly I doubt that's what they are actually dancing to. Could make an 'and she blew' joke here; decide not to.

ANN IS IN A RED FEATHER BOA. And even more than that: IT SUITS HER. She removes it immediately. They are dancing to Putting on the Ritz, and it's a triumph of leadership from Anton, which is to say, it is OK.

Faint praise from judges which is better than no praise at all. I am stealing myself for some insane scoring from everyone other than Craig.

Ann has just told Tess off for talking too much. Scores: 3, 5, 5, 5 - within the bounds of sanity, actually.

Lastly it's Pamela and James. Again, I have seen some of the practice footage on ITT and again I am very excited. I love Pamela who wants to stay in the competition "to shut James up." Watching James be pummeled (pammeled?) into submission is a weekly joy.

For the rumba, Pamela is dressed as a hood ornament dressed as a figure skater. Her dancing, though, is incredible. SHE IS 61 YEARS OLD. At that age, I am hoping to still be able to get up and down stairs. And she's not only good for 61, she is good for any age - graceful, musical, expressive etc. Line up your drinks for the judges saying "best rumba of the night". (Ann Widdecombe is two years older by the way. One is a sex therapist and the other a virgin. Draw your own conclusions.)

A 'fab-u-lous' from Craig. Complaints about the choreography from Len. Bruno is beside himself with praise, another 9? Nobody has said "best rumba of the night" and the drinks are getting warm. Screw it, just have them anyway.

Scores: 9, 8, 9, 9 - holy smoke, a 9 from Craig??

Got to say Pamela is my favourite this week, with Scott up second and lovely Matt only in third. It's our final slight departure from expectation!

And who goes? er.... dare I hope Paul?