Strictlywatch 2009: Week 5

Let's talk about Strictly Come Dancing. But quietly, OK? I was up til gone 3am at a friend's book launch last night and I am enfeebled. I watched SCD on the sofa this morning, huddled beneath a tartan blanket, with the volume turned right down, unable even to take notes because it would have involved moving my hand (I am never sure whether I should admit to taking notes as it does seem like overkill - scrawled biro on the back of an envelope shrieking WHY IS OLA DANCING IN AN OUTFIT MADE OF PIECES OF PARLIAMENTARY RED TAPE AND FOUR GOLD SEQUINS? - perhaps I should be able to remember this stuff unassisted.) On the positive side, I did learn a valuable lesson today, which is that if I am watching SCD recorded, I can fastforward through all of Bruce's links, having a good half hour off the length of the show and increasing its funniness by 25%.

Happily, I have now recovered enough so that the pitter patter of my keyboard does not evoke a troupe of obsese centipedes tapdancing on my brain, and thus, we may proceed to the copples.

1. Ricky G and Erin, Jive. Now, I was very hungover, so I got a little frightened at the beginning of this when Ricky told the audience to shut up and then started shouting something about jam, but fortunately that was soon over and the dance began. It was definitely a jive, and Ricky's hot potato mouth was back, and most welcome. As for his feet, as the judges said, he only danced one step, but it was a good step, and I liked it. There was some business with a comb. Mainly I was wondering if I could stomach a banana yet (no, as it turns out: it took a full additional half hour.)

2. Jade and Ian, Viennese Waltz. Nobody ever mentions Jade as a potential contender, and the fact that her Viennese Waltz is the best dance of the night seems to have gone unnoticed by everybody other than me.

3. Ali and Brian, Jive. As a close watcher of Alien Headed Brian with his amazing Pepe le Pew bounce, despite all the tabloid reports about their relationship and all the nudge-nudge wink-wink on the show, I have come to the following conclusion: he and Ali have no chemistry whatsoever. In fact they increasingly resemble Pepe Le Pew in one of his doomed love affairs with a cat.

Visual aid: Pepe le Pew in doomed love affair with cat:



Meanwhile the dance was way too hard for Ali, and if Brian wants her to win it I think he needs to bring it down a notch or two, as she's still probably the best dancer in the show.

4. Jo and Brendan, Viennese Waltz. All memories of this waltz have been wiped from my brain following a particularly tedious episode amongst the judges where Craig told her she danced like a bush kangaroo, Brendan marched her off the stage, and Bruce stood shouting at Craig for several seconds like a headmaster trying to tell off a heckler in Sixth Form Assembly. Shall I just say every week that they should replace Bruce? They should replace Bruce. Tell you what, "retire" Bruce, take Alesha off the judging panel, give her Bruce's job, and put Karen Hardy in place as the new judge. Just a suggestion.

5. Zoe and James, Jive. Now, Zoe dances beautifully, and gets great marks, and even brings out her little girl for the training vid, although I keep thinking it's a boy, but a cute boy, so that's sort of OK, but they ended up in the dance off after this, in the traditional Strictly early-to-mid season "I can't believe she's in the dance off" moment, and I don't think it helps that - and I have totally watched LOADS of Strictly so I can say this will full confidence - it didn't seem to have much jiving in it. Quite a lot of bits where Zoe sticks her bum into James's crotch, though. I wonder whose idea that was?

6. Ricky W and Natalie, Viennese Waltz. Remember what I said about Ali and Brian having no chemistry? These two look completely in love. I don't read the tabloids, did I miss something? Anyway, Alesha gave this (very nice) Viennese Waltz a 10, which threw me somewhat, and also made me think a 10 from Alesha aint worth much as she's not expert enough to notice the mistakes the others pointed out. Did I mention Karen Hardy? Karen Hardy. Doing lovely work on Choreography Corner in ITT. The 10 knocks Jade off the top spot on the leader board and Jade is never mentioned again.

7. Craig and Flavia, jive. Flavia is dancing in big blue sequined pants, and Craig's in a matching tie. Gentlemen, take note: NEVER match your tie to your lady's underwear. Also, never forget how counter-suggestible the Strictly Come Dancing audience is. Craig's attempts at jollity are like Eeyore doing the can-can, but this dance doesn't deserve the total pasting it gets from the judges, nor the rock-bottom-of-the-leaderboard marks, and therefore Craig gets saved by the public, whilst in the meantime...

8...the combined might of everyone in Wales is not enough to rescue Joe and Kristina's horrific jive - as chance would have it, hugely over-complimented and over-marked from the judges - from taking a short-cut through the dance off and into oblivion. The fact that Joe and Kristina still get to, ah, dance in private is probably some consolation to them both.

9. Natalie and Vincent, Viennese Waltz. At an outside guess, if I'd got enough sleep last night I probably wouldn't have cried when Natalie said that she wanted her dad to think she was a lady, especially as she doesn't have her mum any more. If I'd known her dad would turn out to be sitting by the side of the dancefloor with a face so much like a bulldog chewing a wasp that he was actually chewing, and not so much as betraying the first glimmer of a smile, I might not have wasted my tears, or possibly I might have cried a whole lot more. No wonder she always tries so hard. I like this waltz, but I like the beading on Natalie's bodice even better. Strictly in rare nice dress moment.

10. Anton and Laila, jive. Training shows them hugging and saying they love each other. Remember: ANTON IS NOT A RACIST. All week they've been saying that this jive is rubbish, so why they choose to do it to Bowie's Modern Love - first rule of Strictly, NEVER allow our fantastic singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra to maim Bowie - and have Laila dance in horrible fake-looking hair extensions and a pair of grotesque black fringed culottes is anybody's guess. The jive is rubbish.

11. Phil and Katya, Viennese Waltz. I have unexpectedly developed a huge crush on Phil Tufnell. This is a worry. I can no longer comment with any fairness on any of his dances as I am too busy wishing I was Katya.

12. Ola and Chris, Jive. While this is on, I am looking forward to the next dance, because whoever it is I think it will be better. As it turns out, this is the last dance of the night. God knows what it was like.

Our extras for the night include a pro group samba, my most hated dance, aside from the rumba, and some of the other ones that I hate, which looks stupid enough when the pros are doing it, so expect *much* more stupidity and grumbling from me next week; Spandau Ballet performing Gold, or rather a bloated Tony Hadley singing Gold remarkably well while the one who used to be in Eastenders and the rest of them stand next to him pretending to play unplugged instruments; and YES! YES! YES! Flavia and Vincent doing a Waltz variation on an Argentine Tango. If Strictly every week consisted of just Vincent and Flavia dancing for two and a half hours, I would still watch, and the advantage would be: no Bruce. Hey, there's nothing wrong with making suggestions.

Dance off, Joe goes, the end. I really don't know how to make these last bits exciting.

Watch it all here, or you can probably get the good bits on You Tube if you are in foreign parts.

For Richer, For Poorer, by Victoria Coren

(Typo alert: I just wrote For Richer, For Pooper, which would be a very different type of book.)

For Richer, For Poorer is Victoria Coren's memoir of playing poker, from childhood games with her brother's friends to winning a million dollars in the European Poker Championships. It is also a more general memoir of growing up, and of losing her father.

(Oh, FFS. It is impossible to be interesting while writing book reviews. How does anybody else manage it? This is why I never review books. Anyway.)

Is it any good? Yes, it's bloody good. It will make you desperately want to play poker for a start. This may not be a good thing, as gambling destroys lives etc etc, but if you are anything like me you will have got to the end when Coren finally explains the rules, having got very confused for the whole of the rest of it (I still don't get the stuff about blinds) and then gone onto a poker site where you can play for free, but not even played one hand because you got too scared, so called your friend who also read (and loved) the book, agreed to schedule a poker night, except we're only going to play for buttons, only we're not sure how many buttons everyone should start with, and neither of us understand the blinds so maybe we won't have them, nor do we understand pot odds but maybe that doesn't matter if neither of us do, but we will wear visors and put cigarettes behind our ears even though we don't smoke, and we will invite our friends to join in even though one of them is a maths teacher and can probably therefore count and is thus at an unfair advantage, although maybe she can explain pot odds, which would be helpful, and then the whole discussion descends into what food it is appropriate to eat during poker (chicken wings, we think, and maybe pizza).

(Hmm. This may be the other reason I never review books.)

Anyway, the reason that you will get obsessed with poker reading this book is that it is all about poker, which may sound obvious. You spend almost the entire book at once poker game or another, whether it's in someone's front room, at a seedy London club, in a TV studio, or in Vegas. You get the impression that Coren never does anything else (and if you follow her on Twitter this is an impression that will certainly be reinforced) but that can't entirely be true as I know how long it takes to write a book (ages) and she's written this one, and another one, and maybe others I haven't noticed. Also newspaper articles and so on. But describing yourself writing books is boring, whereas describing yourself playing poker - the wins, the losses, the nerves, the adrenaline, the excitement, the sleep deprivation, the people called things like Huckleberry Seed and The Sweep - is a lot more fun. It's also a lot of fun to read, especially with Coren as your warm, honest, deadpan guide, and you can, and do, start playing along in your head, and next thing you know you are seriously considering buying a packet of cigarettes just so you can put one behind your ear.

As it happens, while I did think it was great, I didn't enjoy For Richer, For Poorer quite as much as I enjoyed Once More With Feeling, Coren's book (with Charlie Skelton) about making a porn movie, but that was one of the funniest books I had ever read, which is a tough act to follow. For Richer, For Poorer (I have not managed to successfully type Poorer on the first attempt once this entire review) is less funny, but it's more thoughtful and more moving, and you get a far better insight into what kind of person Coren is (bright, self-deprecating, sensible, or at least as sensible as someone with a massive gambling habit can be) BUT you do not get a photograph of a man with a pixelated semi-erection, wearing only an 18th century wig, on a break from shooting a porn film, reaching for carrot batons at a buffet table next to the fully-dressed son of a vicar.

In conclusion: if you love poker, would like to love poker, don't love porn, or have already read Once More With Feeling, you should absolutely read For Richer, for Poorer.

If, on the other hand, you love porn, would like to love porn, don't love porn but do love funny books which really aren't as yucky as a book about making porn sounds, and in any case there's a whole bit in the middle about poker anyway - read Once More, with Feeling.

If you love Victoria Coren, would like to love Victoria Coren, or just have plenty of time on your hands, read both.

If you're my mother, read neither.

Hope this helps.

Strictlywatch 2009: Brucie Bonus

According to tonight's It Takes Two, this year's costume theme is not (as I guessed) prostitutes from Westerns, but 1970s and 1980s musicals.

Anybody spot that? Anybody?

Of course, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas is a 1980s musical so maybe they are just being coy. I mean, check out the trailer:



I think they actually did that bit where they rip off their balldresses to dance in their knickers in last week's pro dance.

(A longer, higher quality version of the trailer is available here.)

X Gaktor

Thoughts on Robbie's comeback appearance.

1. That song is truly terrible.
2. I'd still shag Robbie Williams, but I'd be concerned that he'd keep breaking off to introduce himself to my bedroom furniture, and
3. Somebody needs to stop taking drugs, pronto.

Strictlywatch 2009: Week 4

I didn't watch Strictly Come Dancing last night, I went from drinks at Sketch instead, a bar where the toilets are individually positioned in giant eggs, inside which they play you a recording of someone apparently reading aloud in Czech.

Just thought I'd mention.

I did, however, watch it this afternoon, and thus, casting all ado to the wind, let's kick in. Theme tune yadda yadda, Bruce yadda, Tess monosleeve odd hair yadda, off we go.

1. Zoe & James, Foxtrot. Zoe stepped out in a lovely white dress complete with neck scarf, perfect for hanging herself with if dancing with James gets too much. They were dancing to that song which by law has to appear in every romantic comedy ever made, the one that goes "This! Will! Be! An everlasting love." The dance was elegant but a little lifeless. Am I suffering from Strictly fatigue? Usually I love Zoe. Len gives her a 9. Insanity. Tess calls Zoe the 'dark horse' of the competition. Drink!

2. Chris & Ola, Salsa. Training footage horrifying, involved Chris humping a pillar. Dude, no. Out on the floor, Ola is wearing a pink pussy pelmet. This is giving sex a bad name. However I am slightly ashamed of myself for enjoying this salsa as much as I did because I know it was only because of the dancing faces. If I was on the panel (and yes, I am available) I would soon become known as the bonkers judge who gives everyone an extra point (at least) if they do good dancing faces. Afterwards Bruno says Chris dances like Bob the Builder - uncannily accurate - and Craig complains that he minces too much. Bruce replies "Don't you talk about mincing" thus demonstrating himself to be a homophobe as well as a racist. New presenter, please.

3. Lynda & Darren, foxtrot. In the training footage, Lynda is honest and endearing about her body anxieties, not helped by being made to dance in a hideous dress the colour of weak tea with a back that looks like busted corsetry, and when it comes to judging time Alesha excellently says that "I don't want to see a 5 ft 10 stick insect, you're Lynda Bellingham" hurrah! Sadly in between Lynda dances a dance which sees her get the boot after the dance off, and sees me wondering (no!) whether I have got bored of watching people dancing badly (no! no!) Alesha mentions Lynda's "emotional journey", Lynda herself talks about her "journey" to Tess. If we were playing the drinking game we'd be drunk already. Am beginning to wonder whether "journey" isn't code for "looks bad in the outfits". A 7 from Len. Len is clearly having one of his weird marking nights, oh dear.

4. Ali & Brian, salsa. Very complex choreography in this one, and Ali does a good job I think, but to be honest I just watch Brian. I do like watching Brian dancing the salsa. I have not yet figured out why his nostrils look so much bigger on TV than in person. This will preoccupy me for some time, I'm sure. Ali is dressed, as so many of the dancers are this season, as a whore in a Western. This is not a good look. 8s all round.

5. Jo & Brendan, foxtrot. They dance to Crazy, and what with the crazy camerawork and Jo's crazy long feathered dress I can't see enough of the dance to muster up any opinion about it at all.

6. Natalie & Vincent, salsa. Natalie dances the entire dance with her fists clenched, but nobody seems to mind as, as usual, she has cranked this one right up to 11. I love her and Vincent as a couple, she brings out his humour and tones down his sleaziness, and as usual his choreography is bang on. Love the bit when she dances alone. Definitely wakes me out of my Strictly stupor.

7. Joe & Kristina, foxtrot. Joe beings his dad, who is also his coach, into training. His dad is a full foot shorter and a full foot narrower than Joe and looks like a Chuckle Brother dressed as Nick Cave. Joe & Kristina dance to Feeling Good, and I am feeling pretty good as this is a huge improvement on previous weeks, and Kristina is knockout, the hardest-working dancer on the floor. Craig's comment is that he can't see any improvement. I worry as to his memory.

8. Laila & Anton. Clearly there has been a meeting about this and nobody is mentioning the P*ki thing. IT NEVER HAPPENED. Laila kisses Anton's cheek as they walk own the stairs. IT NEVER HAPPENED. The training footage is all about how well they are getting on. IT NEVER HAPPENED. And then they only go out and dance the best dance of the night. I wonder if Len is going to have a break out a 10 after overmarking Zoe so wildly but he gives her a 9 as well. There is a lot of wriggle room in a Len 9.

9. Ricky Whittle & Natalie, salsa. Watching the training footage just makes me want to go and watch his Paso again. There's a totally gratuitous bit in training where he lifts his top up for no reason. Bloody hell, that's a bod. Then they come out and do a salsa that I really like, with sexy hip moves and great out of hold stuff and a backflip. And Len and Alesha both flip out. They hate it. Len loathes the backflip and Alesha gets very angry and says that it's "cheesy, not cool", that he is "better than that" and he's "no Andrew Castle". I wonder what it is like for Natalie Lowe, Australian dance champion several times over, to have Alesha Dixon, ex of Mis-Teeq, diss her choreography. They all give them 8s anyway.

10. Craig & Flavia, foxtrot. They are dancing to 'Sometimes When We Touch', a song so cheesy it has its own rind. I am, as usual, feeling extraordinarily sorry for Craig, who is still dancing like a rabbit caught in headlights, except that afterwards he says that it was his best dance ever and so I have had to accept that it isn't nerves and he is just a bit shit. He and Flavia end up in the dance-off, inevitably, but live to dance another day. My advice to Craig is that it will do him no harm whatsoever to smile. During the dance ideally, but before or after would do. Len gives him a 7. I worry what jetlag is doing to Len.

11. Jade & Ian, salsa. It's all about the headgear. Jade's got a headband on for the dance, in training she's got half a dozen hats, Ian chooses inexplicably to give a training interview in a flat cap and scarf, and then, in a very frightening move, Jade takes Ian onto the running track and he wears a hideous sweatband around his head. No, no, no. Jade's running in a tough field but her salsa is great. She does have a tendancy to flail a bit, but then again her legs are eight feet long.

12. Ricky Groves & Erin, foxtrot. These two, purely on the basis of personal chemistry, are shaping up to being my favourite couple. I love the fact that Erin can't stop laughing in training no matter what Ricky does. This is actually a very nice foxtrot, particularly given that Ricky prefers dances where he can ham it up. Also particularly given that Erin seems to have a lock of her hair superglued to her forehead to approximate a fake fringe: nasty. For no apparent reason Len makes another dig at Ricky Whittle in the judging, and gives Ricky Groves a somewhat undeserved 8. I have no idea what's going on with Len tonight.

13. Phil & Katya, salsa. Phil has has knee surgery and Katya has had her hair crimped so they are both dancing with a handicap. The choreography is very odd, particularly the opening section where Phil wriggles his bum while Katya just stands there. But I love Tuffers, and so does everybody else. Free pass to next week.

While waiting for the results, there is a rather lame tap dance interlude, a very lame appearance from a 13-year-old singer whose presence is surely unrelated to the fact that her godmother and (vacant-looking, uncoordinated) backing singer is Amy Winehouse, and an unpleasantly schmalzty and dull bit of VT where all the contestants say that they want to win, not for themselves, perish the thought, but for their dancing partner / family / fans / dog / etc.

And then Lynda goes home.

Sigh. I have a bit of Strictly Fatigue this week, I've got to admit it. I need to watch Phil Tufnell do the Cha Cha from week 2 again.



That's better.

The whole show, and individual dance clips, can be found on the official website.

No Logo?

I love the new Doctor Who logo. There, I've said it. It's the Tardis! It's got a light on the top! It's the right colour! It's totally old school! Even the font is 1970s-futuristic. FFS, the thing's in flares.

So we're all agreed? Yes?

In Which I Join Fortuna's Fantastics*

So, to Brian and Kristina's salsa class.

The evening did not begin promisingly. Owing to our ignorance of traffic on Chelsea FC match nights, we got stuck in gridlock on Chelsea embankment for almost half an hour, immobile behind a car containing the most grotesque couple you can imagine. She was wearing a red and white knitted beret-style hat, he was in a black fedora, and they were eating each other's faces. And just when the snogging could not get more repulsive, she disappeared down into his lap... NO. NO. NO.

Finally we arrived, half an hour late - that very half hour spent watching the milliners dogging - and were greeted by the following sign at the entrance to the club:



Classy joint.

Went inside, full of trepidation. I was expecting a huge venue filled with hundreds of avid Strictly fans practising their cross body leads while Brian and Kristina demonstrated, ant-like on a faraway stage.

Not a bit of it. It was a smallish nightclub, with a few dozen people inside, maybe three times as many women as men, the guys all lined up along one side of the room and the girls taking turns to dance with them. In between the two lines were Brian and Kristina explaining what to do, and when we stumbled into the room, baffled and late, Brian took hold of my friend and showed her the turn himself.

First squee of the night.

So we joined in, and it was easy to catch up, with Brian giving clear and amiable instructions, and Kristina helping out demonstrate the moves. And I got a turn dancing with Kristina! Second squee of the night! She said that I was "very good", but then she is used to dancing with John Sergeant and Joe Calzaghe.

Brian, I'm sure you'll be keen to know, is taller and more handsome than he comes across on TV and in photos, with an extraordinarily sexy body. It is not shallow to notice this or point it out if the person in question is a dancer. Kristina is absolutely tiny and beautiful. They are both lovely. Brian's patter is more studied, a sort of relentless but harmless flirtatiousness (I got flirted with - third squee of the night) heavily leavened with cheese, but all delivered so good naturedly that you can't possibly object. Kristina is quieter, shy and demure until she gets dancing, and incredibly sweet and charming. I can see why their dance partners have a habit of falling for them. I'd definitely shag Brian if he was my dance partner and I could get away with it, and I'd probably shag Kristina too. Like I say, it is not shallow to point this out. I know that my readers demand rigorous research into these matters.

After the dance class, Brian and Kristina sat on the stage and did a Q&A about various aspects of Strictly and their careers.



The Q&A was diverting - it was enjoyable hearing them speak for longer than the few seconds you get on TV, getting some idea of what kind of people they are, and fun to get an insight into how the programme works - though nothing they said was particularly surprising (it's a good show to work on, all the dancers get on well, only moment of controversy being that Brian wishes the dancers got credited for their choreography on the pro dances). Someone was cheeky enough to ask Brian about whether he and Ali were a couple, and he was both suggestive and cagey. Actually, having seen how much his flirtiness is part of his act, I wouldn't be that surprised if there was nothing going on at all bar a very effective publicity stunt, or even if Brian was gay, but I'd also say that his appeal was very clear and I could also believe that Ali would go for it. So I can't help out with the gossip, sadly. The most revealing moment was when someone asked the apparently quite dull question of what the dancers eat to stay in shape, and Kristina said "Nothing". She elaborated to clarify that she basically doesn't eat. It's very sad to think that a woman who is essentially an athlete is under such pressure to be thin that she can't even nourish herself properly.

If you are thinking "hang on now Phillips, 'essentially an athlete?'" that's because you were not there last night and therefore didn't get to sit and watch Brian and Kristina perform their show dances. They did four dances: a salsa, a foxtrot, a rumba and a mambo, all in different costumes and not on stage but in the middle of the dancefloor with everyone sitting around the edge. That means they were dancing only a few feet away from me, with nobody between me and them. The intimacy of the setting meant that during the dances they could look at the audience members directly in the eye. (Losing count of the squees now.)

The dancing was incredible. Kristina, in particular, is an international dance champion and is one of the most amazing movers I have ever seen. I wish I had a photographic memory and could recall everything they did, but there was one move in the rumba which is unforgettable: Kristina drops to the ground in the splits, and Brian picks her one of her feet and lifts her, without her bending her legs, so that eventually she is standing doing the splits vertically. I watched the dances with my mouth wide open in pure jaw-dropped awe. This wasn't cheesy, look-at-the-sequins, ironic appreciation, this was the real thing. The skill they have is unbelievable.

Then, final squee of the night, we got to have our picture taken with them. We were second from front of the queue but even so there was a little wait, during which a couple, who were audience members like we were, insisted on doing a long and elaborate and massively inferior dance in the hope of attracting the attention of Brian and Kristina, but which only succeeded of reminding me of the amorous hat people in front of us in the traffic jam. It was excruciating, rather as if I rocked up to hear Haruki Murakami do a reading and then decided to read from my own novel to the people waiting to get their books signed. Please, no.

When we got to the front of the queue I totally lost my cool. I took a terrible, out-of-focus picture of my friend with her camera phone because my hand was shaking so much, and then when it was my turn I couldn't stop gushing about how amazing they were and what a privilege it was to see them dance in such a small space, and wishing them best of luck in the competition, and and and and and. God knows what else. It's a bit embarrassing really. I don't think you're actually supposed to squee out loud. Here is the photo, I managed to shut my mouth for long enough:


(Kristina's outfit is, in fact, a harem-panted jumpsuit which nobody but she could wear without looking like a tropical heffalump).

And so off we went. Completely brilliant night. As I can't support Joe and Kristina no matter how lovely Kristina is (he is just too lumpen), it's now team Ali & Brian for the win. I can't help it. They were just too lovely.

*I'm not sure if I need a badge or something.

Strictlywatch 2009: Week 3

One of the downsides of the new all-in-one Strictly show is that if you happen to go out on Saturday night and miss it, as I did, and you want to remain spoiler-free, as I did, you can't go online, brush past Twitter or poke your nose into any newsagent (so much for the Sunday papers) until you've watched the entire behemoth on Sunday. Which I now have, so with fourteen couples dancing we'd better get a bleeding move on...

1. Ali & Brian, dancing the quickstep. It's only the first week that all the couples have danced together and already I'm thinking that only a hideous accident can keep Ali & Brian out of the final. A hideous accident, or possibly backstage shenanigans: Ali and Brian are apparently dancing horizontally as well as vertically, as it were, which could either get nauseating (good for them, bad for us), or end in a horrifying mid-season break-up while they are forced to dance together cheek to cheek while hating each other (bad for them, good for us.)

2. Already I can't remember what order they danced in. Bloody hell, 14 couples are a lot. Help me out here, Google. Oh, Lynda Bellingham, dancing the Paso Doble with Darren. Now, I've just watched it in the dance off where she did it much better - taking a leaf out of drama queen Ricky Groves's book and putting it all in the face. This is the year of the dancing faces, praise be! First time round it was rather limp. You can't afford to go limp when you're dancing to 'Devil Woman' - "Beware the devil woman, she's going to get you from behind". Indeed.

3. Chris & Ola, quickstep. He buggers it up completely. Lucky he's cute.

4. Zoe & James, Paso Doble. I love watching Zoe dance. There's something really grown-up and womanly about her style. I wonder if James could be persuaded to wear a Matthew Cutler mask for the duration of the series?

5. Rav & Aliona, quickstep. This is horrible. Aliona has chosen "We Go Together" from Grease and choreographed a routine that makes High School Musical look like Carmina Burana. If anything they dance it even worse in the dance-off, after which a clearly gutted Rav gets knocked out. Neither have done anything to make themselves popular this series and I wonder whether Aliona will be discreetly shelved next series a la Hayley.

6. Natalie & Vincent, Paso Doble. Love Vincent's choreography, and Natalie's determination conquers all. I still can't figure out whether she's any good or not.

7. Craig & Flavia, quickstep. They must have been bricking it because Craig plays his joker very early this series ie bringing his beautiful new wife in to see him train. Anyway, Flavia is put in a terrible dress a la I Dream of Jeanie, and Craig bottles this completely, and maybe the wife thing helped because I felt really sorry for him after this. He clearly has a massive problem with nerves.

8. Ricky Whittle & Natalie, Paso Doble. OFF THE HOOK. If you only watch one dance this week, watch this one. No stripper tendencies on show from Nat - perhaps last week was a one-off - although her dress was so grotesque it would have been a relief if she had taken it off.

9. Jade & Ian, quickstep. One advantage of there being so many couples this year is that it'll take weeks for all the dross to go, which means people with a lot of potential who aren't quite hitting it yet, like Jade, will have a while to improve their dancing before they're too much at risk. This was pretty good, and she'll get better.

10. Joe & Kristina, Paso Doble. They're shagging too, apparently. I only mention this because there is almost nothing interesting to be said about the dance. He sort of walks it instead of dancing, and she takes her skirt off, turns it into a cape with Calzaghe written on the back in gold sparkles, and then puts it back on again. Less good than that sounds.

11. Laila & Anton, quickstep. All the way through I'm convinced that this is one of those dances I am going to find boring but that the judges will mark high because technically it's on the money. Bingo. Starting to wonder whether Anton has a clue how to choreograph for someone who can actually dance.

12. Jo & Brendan Paso Doble. Jo is actually fairly graceful, but she can't dance, and Brendan tries to make the most of this by pretty much carrying her around the entire time. It must work, because she stays in.

13. Phil & Katya, quickstep. Katya is an extremely pretty girl in an all-American way (despite being Canadian), and has a huge smile, but having studied her rehearsal footage, It Takes Two interviews and backstage comments, I can report that she is incredibly scary and super, hyper, ultra competitive. Phil is probably faking needing knee surgery just to get a day away from her. Anyway, although he made some mistakes dancing it, purely on the basis of the choreography this was actually my favourite quickstep.

14. Ricky Groves & Erin, Paso Doble. Oh, Ricky. How you are brightening this series of Strictly. Shouting and stamping and that bumfluff on your face, dancing faces dancing faces dancing faces, and a splendid cheesy grin moment halfway through. Can he dance? Actually he can, which is a bit of a surprise. And this is genius stuff. If you're only going to watch two dances... well you know what to do. Verily, tonight has been a Tale of Two Rickies.

Pro dances: fine, nothing special, including a very under-rehearsed-looking guest salsa troupe, and a visit from Andy Williams, who is marooned on an island in the middle of the dancefloor, and makes Bruce look young. Then a bunch of ballroom dancing children give their verdicts on the celeb dancers. This is mostly entertaining because they all look like identical blonde aliens hatched from one fake-tan-coloured pod.

Then there's the Dreaded Dance Off, Rav gets the boot, and that's it for another week! Keep dancing!

Speaking of which, tonight I am going to a Strictly live event with Brian & Kristina teaching a salsa class! Bring it on! The competitors are dancing salsa next week so I will be able to compare my moves directly with those of Ali and Joe (presumably they are not appearing tonight, though you never know.) Will I be Fab-U-Lous? Or a Dis-ARSE-ter? Only time will tell...

Watch the whole programme on the BBC website where you can also catch footage of all the dances individually.

Fuck You, Dixons

I hate this advert.

"Get really terrific service finding something you want, and then fuck the shop over because you can get it more cheaply on a website where they don't need to pay the overheads of shop rental, display items and helpful salespeople who know what they're talking about. Eventually the shop will close down and the helpful salesperson will lose his job, and your high street will be a desolate wasteland, and the only place left on earth to shop will be dixons.co.uk, and you'll be screwed because next time you want a TV there won't be a display item or a helpful salesperson, but who cares, because you got a cheap TV."

If you want to shop online, shop online, but don't use the real world to browse. You're only getting it cheaper because you're stealing expertise.

On Fatherhood and Holy Books

I have just come back from watching my father be sworn in as the first ever President of the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom. (If you want to watch him be sworn in too, you can do so here.) I've never blogged about my dad before because I was worried that people might think of me differently if they knew that he's not Mr but Lord Phillips (though it's something I've never hidden and it's easy enough to find out), but I am too proud of him today not to mention it and he is wonderful and I love him and if people think of me differently because my dad has a title then really that's their problem.

The ceremony swearing in all the justices to the new Supreme Court was short and simple but I felt honoured to be there in the brand new court, watching the first ever Supreme Court judges begin their roles. They sat in a row, in their never-before-worn robes which will be handed down from judge to judge for generations, and one by one took their oaths and signed their names in the book where all the Supreme Court judges will sign their names for years to come. My father's name is the very first name in that book. It is a big book, with a lot of gilt-edged pages, and it will take a very long time to fill. All the judges who sign it over hundreds of years will be able to turn back the pages and see my father's signature there, at the top of the first page, in handwriting I know as well as my own.

During the swearing in ceremony I noticed that three different books were sworn on by the judges, two Bibles - I think one judge brought his own - and a Torah. The atheist judges did not have a book to swear on. This got me thinking, if you had to take a solemn and binding oath on any non-religious book, what would you choose? This is not the same as asking for your favourite book, but for a book whose values you would find impossible to sully by reneging on your promise. In honour of today, I am choosing Winnie the Pooh, which symbolises for me the innocence and happiness of childhood. In particular I am choosing the hardback edition of Winnie the Pooh and The House at Pooh Corner from which my father used to read my bedtime stories to me when I was very young.

And you?