Prematurely balding actors needed

Rumours of wifi in Hay proving unsubstantiated, I will in fact be blogging all about it now that I've returned. That's an epic post which needs proper attention, so just for fun in the meantime, I will share, without comment (none needed), this job advert a friend of mine (young woman, full head of hair) was recently sent:

Prematurely Balding Actors Needed for THE Film of 2010, CASTING CALL

London, Gloucestershire Unpaid (Expenses Paid)

Description

The film will last approximately 25 minutes, it will be dense, muddy and frenzied, have something of the high school teen flick about it, and be filmed entirely at night. Centred around the resurrection of EPOS and his last days on Earth, the film will be a howl clad in pre-ripped denim, the script puked out by the actors as though attempting to break from the confines of their bodies or like a speech from the scaffold with a noose about the neck, an offering from the ‘Abandoned Generation’, writ large. ‘Please excuse our unsightly, real, protruding guts’ etc.

A band of prematurely balding outlaws try themselves as pet mediums and style themselves as saints, spin donuts in car parks, spit black and howl under the crumbling stars.

The film is to be shot between the 20th the 29th August in London and Gloucestershire. Whilst we are unfortunately unable to pay you for your time, you will be chauffeured, fed and sheltered alongside some of the finest company to be found on the island.

Roles:

EPOS THE DEAD – (age 17 – 25) Charismatic messiah figure, reluctantly resurrected. Hollers spells. Chews Oreos/ Spits Black. Levitates.

THE OUTLAWS – (ages 17 – 25) Inhabited by tapeworms that take sporadic control of their vocal chords and bring on convulsions. Pates gleaming in the kitchen light under thinning hair. Spin donuts in heavily modified cars - Body kits, underglow, mesh and grills.

SON WOUNDS OF EPOS - (ages 17- 25) Grown from portions of EPOS’ ass. Lousy copies, incredulous bald patches, tonsures abound. Their speech deteriorated like an over copied tape.

Most disingenuous advert ever:

The 8-second demo for Internet 8 where the man says that if you are shopping for an anniversary present for your wife, you can switch to keeping your browser history secret, so she'll never find out.

Yes. That's the web browsing men want to keep secret from their wives. The fact that they're shopping for jewellery for them.

Fuck You, Dixons

I hate this advert.

"Get really terrific service finding something you want, and then fuck the shop over because you can get it more cheaply on a website where they don't need to pay the overheads of shop rental, display items and helpful salespeople who know what they're talking about. Eventually the shop will close down and the helpful salesperson will lose his job, and your high street will be a desolate wasteland, and the only place left on earth to shop will be dixons.co.uk, and you'll be screwed because next time you want a TV there won't be a display item or a helpful salesperson, but who cares, because you got a cheap TV."

If you want to shop online, shop online, but don't use the real world to browse. You're only getting it cheaper because you're stealing expertise.

High Drama

I have just seen the most extraordinary advert. It's for some kind of antibacterial spray or something, I don't know what, I was laughing too hard to notice. In the ad, there's the usual voiceover about how bacteria from food is transmitted on chopping surfaces. Then a mother hands her baby a carrot baton that has been chopped on the same surface as some raw chicken. In the baby's hand, the carrot stick turns into a raw chicken leg. What I totally love about the ad is that in the corner, in small letters, you are assured that this is a "dramatisation". You read it here first: there are no germs fearsome enough to turn a carrot into a chicken. Yet. But until they develop that power, just in case, use Dettol.

Home and Away Chefs

I know nobody else watches it because you are all at work, but I can't keep this to myself any longer. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEMONIC CHEFS THAT TOP AND TAIL HOME AND AWAY ON UK TV AT THE MOMENT????? I refuse to name the product they are advertising in case it is any encouragement to the company that produces the adverts, or to Channel Five for screening them. They are worse than evil. If I even catch one second of their ads I want to smash my television. And Alan Dale is surely not so desperate for cash that he had to take the voiceover gig. He is in EVERYTHING.

PLEASE, MAKE THE MADNESS STOP.

On the other hand, I did enjoy the whole Martha / Jack / Sam storyline, so Home and Away is not entirely in my bad books at the moment.

A Natural Cement

Speaking of advertising, which I think we were at some point, I have noticed a couple of bizarre examples lately. Firstly there's that one I keep seeing on bus stops, for yet another subgenre of Elvive, which asks: "Has your hair lost strength, a natural cement?" I don't know about the rest of you but cement is not a word I wish to associate with my hair. I mean, I know what cement means in a more general sense, but even so. I think they had it a little bit closer with the "Satin shine, cashmere touch" slogan. "Cement shine, concrete touch": no. (As it happens I once was idly reading the back of a different version of Elvive and noticed that it contained extract of potato, which they were on that occasion sensible enough not to flag up of the front. Hardly orange blossom and jojoba is it?)

I think I will have to put the use of "cement" down to poor translation out of whatever language Elvive originates in. (French? Spanish? American?) However, there is no excuse for the habit my local Costcutter have got into of photocopying articles about how expensive food is getting and sticking them up in their window. I'm not sure what they are trying to say with this. "Food is expensive, but not here, shop here"? I doubt it, because the prices in Costcutter have been heading swiftly upwards of late. "Food is expensive, including here, but it's not just us" is more likely. But the overrall effect is to say "If you come in here you're going to spend a fortune. Best not. But if you absolutely must, buy as little and as cheaply as possible." Which I am not sure is the best business tactic I have ever come across.

Since we are definitely speaking of advertising, a quick one of my own. I've got a couple of readings coming up: on Tuesday, I'm going to be in Port Talbot, at the Taibach library from 6.30pm. And then on Thursday I will be in Luton, at the Wigmore library, at 7.30pm. Hope to see some of you there.

(And PS: the competition to win a signed copy of GBB is still open until tomorrow.)

Here it is!

In situ at Piccadilly Circus. Thanks to Adam Bowie for the pic.

The Magic of Advertising

I saw one! At Bond St, Central Line, eastbound platform. There was a bloke standing next to me, studying it most intently. He had headphones in or I would have told him that I'd read the book and it was excellent and he should go and buy one - or indeed two - right now. The whole experience was dead exciting. I wasn't quick enough to get a picture as the tube came in, so you will have to wait til next time. As luck would have it, I am about to go out and get on the tube right now...

Still waiting to see someone actually reading the book...

Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner...

If you're commuting by tube over the next couple of weeks, keep your eyes peeled at the following stations:

Bank, Moorgate, St Paul's, Chancery Lane, Euston, King's Cross, Warren St, Hillingdon, Earl's Court, South Kensington, Waterloo, Baker St, Bond St, Charing Cross, Embankment, Green Park, Leicester Square, Marble Arch, Marylebone, Oxford Circus, Paddington, Piccadilly Circus, Tottenham Court Road, and Victoria.

Let me know if you see anything of interest....