Strictlywatch 2009: Week 3

One of the downsides of the new all-in-one Strictly show is that if you happen to go out on Saturday night and miss it, as I did, and you want to remain spoiler-free, as I did, you can't go online, brush past Twitter or poke your nose into any newsagent (so much for the Sunday papers) until you've watched the entire behemoth on Sunday. Which I now have, so with fourteen couples dancing we'd better get a bleeding move on...

1. Ali & Brian, dancing the quickstep. It's only the first week that all the couples have danced together and already I'm thinking that only a hideous accident can keep Ali & Brian out of the final. A hideous accident, or possibly backstage shenanigans: Ali and Brian are apparently dancing horizontally as well as vertically, as it were, which could either get nauseating (good for them, bad for us), or end in a horrifying mid-season break-up while they are forced to dance together cheek to cheek while hating each other (bad for them, good for us.)

2. Already I can't remember what order they danced in. Bloody hell, 14 couples are a lot. Help me out here, Google. Oh, Lynda Bellingham, dancing the Paso Doble with Darren. Now, I've just watched it in the dance off where she did it much better - taking a leaf out of drama queen Ricky Groves's book and putting it all in the face. This is the year of the dancing faces, praise be! First time round it was rather limp. You can't afford to go limp when you're dancing to 'Devil Woman' - "Beware the devil woman, she's going to get you from behind". Indeed.

3. Chris & Ola, quickstep. He buggers it up completely. Lucky he's cute.

4. Zoe & James, Paso Doble. I love watching Zoe dance. There's something really grown-up and womanly about her style. I wonder if James could be persuaded to wear a Matthew Cutler mask for the duration of the series?

5. Rav & Aliona, quickstep. This is horrible. Aliona has chosen "We Go Together" from Grease and choreographed a routine that makes High School Musical look like Carmina Burana. If anything they dance it even worse in the dance-off, after which a clearly gutted Rav gets knocked out. Neither have done anything to make themselves popular this series and I wonder whether Aliona will be discreetly shelved next series a la Hayley.

6. Natalie & Vincent, Paso Doble. Love Vincent's choreography, and Natalie's determination conquers all. I still can't figure out whether she's any good or not.

7. Craig & Flavia, quickstep. They must have been bricking it because Craig plays his joker very early this series ie bringing his beautiful new wife in to see him train. Anyway, Flavia is put in a terrible dress a la I Dream of Jeanie, and Craig bottles this completely, and maybe the wife thing helped because I felt really sorry for him after this. He clearly has a massive problem with nerves.

8. Ricky Whittle & Natalie, Paso Doble. OFF THE HOOK. If you only watch one dance this week, watch this one. No stripper tendencies on show from Nat - perhaps last week was a one-off - although her dress was so grotesque it would have been a relief if she had taken it off.

9. Jade & Ian, quickstep. One advantage of there being so many couples this year is that it'll take weeks for all the dross to go, which means people with a lot of potential who aren't quite hitting it yet, like Jade, will have a while to improve their dancing before they're too much at risk. This was pretty good, and she'll get better.

10. Joe & Kristina, Paso Doble. They're shagging too, apparently. I only mention this because there is almost nothing interesting to be said about the dance. He sort of walks it instead of dancing, and she takes her skirt off, turns it into a cape with Calzaghe written on the back in gold sparkles, and then puts it back on again. Less good than that sounds.

11. Laila & Anton, quickstep. All the way through I'm convinced that this is one of those dances I am going to find boring but that the judges will mark high because technically it's on the money. Bingo. Starting to wonder whether Anton has a clue how to choreograph for someone who can actually dance.

12. Jo & Brendan Paso Doble. Jo is actually fairly graceful, but she can't dance, and Brendan tries to make the most of this by pretty much carrying her around the entire time. It must work, because she stays in.

13. Phil & Katya, quickstep. Katya is an extremely pretty girl in an all-American way (despite being Canadian), and has a huge smile, but having studied her rehearsal footage, It Takes Two interviews and backstage comments, I can report that she is incredibly scary and super, hyper, ultra competitive. Phil is probably faking needing knee surgery just to get a day away from her. Anyway, although he made some mistakes dancing it, purely on the basis of the choreography this was actually my favourite quickstep.

14. Ricky Groves & Erin, Paso Doble. Oh, Ricky. How you are brightening this series of Strictly. Shouting and stamping and that bumfluff on your face, dancing faces dancing faces dancing faces, and a splendid cheesy grin moment halfway through. Can he dance? Actually he can, which is a bit of a surprise. And this is genius stuff. If you're only going to watch two dances... well you know what to do. Verily, tonight has been a Tale of Two Rickies.

Pro dances: fine, nothing special, including a very under-rehearsed-looking guest salsa troupe, and a visit from Andy Williams, who is marooned on an island in the middle of the dancefloor, and makes Bruce look young. Then a bunch of ballroom dancing children give their verdicts on the celeb dancers. This is mostly entertaining because they all look like identical blonde aliens hatched from one fake-tan-coloured pod.

Then there's the Dreaded Dance Off, Rav gets the boot, and that's it for another week! Keep dancing!

Speaking of which, tonight I am going to a Strictly live event with Brian & Kristina teaching a salsa class! Bring it on! The competitors are dancing salsa next week so I will be able to compare my moves directly with those of Ali and Joe (presumably they are not appearing tonight, though you never know.) Will I be Fab-U-Lous? Or a Dis-ARSE-ter? Only time will tell...

Watch the whole programme on the BBC website where you can also catch footage of all the dances individually.