Strictlywatch 2009: Week 5

Let's talk about Strictly Come Dancing. But quietly, OK? I was up til gone 3am at a friend's book launch last night and I am enfeebled. I watched SCD on the sofa this morning, huddled beneath a tartan blanket, with the volume turned right down, unable even to take notes because it would have involved moving my hand (I am never sure whether I should admit to taking notes as it does seem like overkill - scrawled biro on the back of an envelope shrieking WHY IS OLA DANCING IN AN OUTFIT MADE OF PIECES OF PARLIAMENTARY RED TAPE AND FOUR GOLD SEQUINS? - perhaps I should be able to remember this stuff unassisted.) On the positive side, I did learn a valuable lesson today, which is that if I am watching SCD recorded, I can fastforward through all of Bruce's links, having a good half hour off the length of the show and increasing its funniness by 25%.

Happily, I have now recovered enough so that the pitter patter of my keyboard does not evoke a troupe of obsese centipedes tapdancing on my brain, and thus, we may proceed to the copples.

1. Ricky G and Erin, Jive. Now, I was very hungover, so I got a little frightened at the beginning of this when Ricky told the audience to shut up and then started shouting something about jam, but fortunately that was soon over and the dance began. It was definitely a jive, and Ricky's hot potato mouth was back, and most welcome. As for his feet, as the judges said, he only danced one step, but it was a good step, and I liked it. There was some business with a comb. Mainly I was wondering if I could stomach a banana yet (no, as it turns out: it took a full additional half hour.)

2. Jade and Ian, Viennese Waltz. Nobody ever mentions Jade as a potential contender, and the fact that her Viennese Waltz is the best dance of the night seems to have gone unnoticed by everybody other than me.

3. Ali and Brian, Jive. As a close watcher of Alien Headed Brian with his amazing Pepe le Pew bounce, despite all the tabloid reports about their relationship and all the nudge-nudge wink-wink on the show, I have come to the following conclusion: he and Ali have no chemistry whatsoever. In fact they increasingly resemble Pepe Le Pew in one of his doomed love affairs with a cat.

Visual aid: Pepe le Pew in doomed love affair with cat:



Meanwhile the dance was way too hard for Ali, and if Brian wants her to win it I think he needs to bring it down a notch or two, as she's still probably the best dancer in the show.

4. Jo and Brendan, Viennese Waltz. All memories of this waltz have been wiped from my brain following a particularly tedious episode amongst the judges where Craig told her she danced like a bush kangaroo, Brendan marched her off the stage, and Bruce stood shouting at Craig for several seconds like a headmaster trying to tell off a heckler in Sixth Form Assembly. Shall I just say every week that they should replace Bruce? They should replace Bruce. Tell you what, "retire" Bruce, take Alesha off the judging panel, give her Bruce's job, and put Karen Hardy in place as the new judge. Just a suggestion.

5. Zoe and James, Jive. Now, Zoe dances beautifully, and gets great marks, and even brings out her little girl for the training vid, although I keep thinking it's a boy, but a cute boy, so that's sort of OK, but they ended up in the dance off after this, in the traditional Strictly early-to-mid season "I can't believe she's in the dance off" moment, and I don't think it helps that - and I have totally watched LOADS of Strictly so I can say this will full confidence - it didn't seem to have much jiving in it. Quite a lot of bits where Zoe sticks her bum into James's crotch, though. I wonder whose idea that was?

6. Ricky W and Natalie, Viennese Waltz. Remember what I said about Ali and Brian having no chemistry? These two look completely in love. I don't read the tabloids, did I miss something? Anyway, Alesha gave this (very nice) Viennese Waltz a 10, which threw me somewhat, and also made me think a 10 from Alesha aint worth much as she's not expert enough to notice the mistakes the others pointed out. Did I mention Karen Hardy? Karen Hardy. Doing lovely work on Choreography Corner in ITT. The 10 knocks Jade off the top spot on the leader board and Jade is never mentioned again.

7. Craig and Flavia, jive. Flavia is dancing in big blue sequined pants, and Craig's in a matching tie. Gentlemen, take note: NEVER match your tie to your lady's underwear. Also, never forget how counter-suggestible the Strictly Come Dancing audience is. Craig's attempts at jollity are like Eeyore doing the can-can, but this dance doesn't deserve the total pasting it gets from the judges, nor the rock-bottom-of-the-leaderboard marks, and therefore Craig gets saved by the public, whilst in the meantime...

8...the combined might of everyone in Wales is not enough to rescue Joe and Kristina's horrific jive - as chance would have it, hugely over-complimented and over-marked from the judges - from taking a short-cut through the dance off and into oblivion. The fact that Joe and Kristina still get to, ah, dance in private is probably some consolation to them both.

9. Natalie and Vincent, Viennese Waltz. At an outside guess, if I'd got enough sleep last night I probably wouldn't have cried when Natalie said that she wanted her dad to think she was a lady, especially as she doesn't have her mum any more. If I'd known her dad would turn out to be sitting by the side of the dancefloor with a face so much like a bulldog chewing a wasp that he was actually chewing, and not so much as betraying the first glimmer of a smile, I might not have wasted my tears, or possibly I might have cried a whole lot more. No wonder she always tries so hard. I like this waltz, but I like the beading on Natalie's bodice even better. Strictly in rare nice dress moment.

10. Anton and Laila, jive. Training shows them hugging and saying they love each other. Remember: ANTON IS NOT A RACIST. All week they've been saying that this jive is rubbish, so why they choose to do it to Bowie's Modern Love - first rule of Strictly, NEVER allow our fantastic singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra to maim Bowie - and have Laila dance in horrible fake-looking hair extensions and a pair of grotesque black fringed culottes is anybody's guess. The jive is rubbish.

11. Phil and Katya, Viennese Waltz. I have unexpectedly developed a huge crush on Phil Tufnell. This is a worry. I can no longer comment with any fairness on any of his dances as I am too busy wishing I was Katya.

12. Ola and Chris, Jive. While this is on, I am looking forward to the next dance, because whoever it is I think it will be better. As it turns out, this is the last dance of the night. God knows what it was like.

Our extras for the night include a pro group samba, my most hated dance, aside from the rumba, and some of the other ones that I hate, which looks stupid enough when the pros are doing it, so expect *much* more stupidity and grumbling from me next week; Spandau Ballet performing Gold, or rather a bloated Tony Hadley singing Gold remarkably well while the one who used to be in Eastenders and the rest of them stand next to him pretending to play unplugged instruments; and YES! YES! YES! Flavia and Vincent doing a Waltz variation on an Argentine Tango. If Strictly every week consisted of just Vincent and Flavia dancing for two and a half hours, I would still watch, and the advantage would be: no Bruce. Hey, there's nothing wrong with making suggestions.

Dance off, Joe goes, the end. I really don't know how to make these last bits exciting.

Watch it all here, or you can probably get the good bits on You Tube if you are in foreign parts.