Bargains galore

Flicking through the Amazon sale site, I found it astonishing the merchandise that they thought it necessary to reduce in price. It is impossible to believe that this marketing gimic didn't help Dirty Dancing fly right off the shelf. And as for this film, with a title and synopsis like that, how could it have failed to reach an audience? Mind you, they are only reducing the price by 2p, so maybe it doesn't quite have that must-have-bargain status of a really good sales find.

Doctor Who: The Forest of the Dead

So, in answer to my questions from last week:

What the hell is going on?
In this episode, mostly an awful lot of explaining.

How can the library be inside that little girl's head?
Apparently, it's largely there for her entertainment.

What's happened to Donna?
She's in a very boring suburban game of Wii.

Who is Dr River Moon?
There is no such person as Dr River Moon, but Professor River Song is someone that the Doctor is going to get to shag at some point in the future in a rather kinky way involving handcuffs.

How are they going to get away from the scary walking skeleton in the spacesuit?
In a break from tradition, they are going to run.

Seriously, what is the business with the library being inside the girl's head?
She is the computer. It's really rather heartwarming, or at least I think it's supposed to be.

How are they going to fight against the shadows?
They're actually quite reasonable man-eating shadows who respond well to logical argument and are happy to give the Doctor 24 hours to save the people that they want to eat.

How are they going to rescue Donna from whatever the hell it is that's happened her?
Just ask the computer nicely, and fry Alex Kingston's brains.

How does Dr River Moon know the Doctor and is there going to be nookie?
See above. She's a hot companion from the future. It's nice to know that the Doctor finds true love eventually. Also, opening a book on what the Doctor's real name is. I will start the bidding with 'Trevor'.

Is Dr River Moon is the same person as Dr Moon the psychiatrist, and if so, is there going to be three-way Doctor-Doctor-Doctor nookie in which two of the Doctors are in fact one oscillating shape-shifting hermaphrodite?
Astonishingly, no to all of the above.

Should I have a cold shower and a lie down?
Almost certainly.

Was Donna jealous of Dr River Moon?
Almost certainly.

Does it matter, now that she's a face on a stick?
Not when she's just had a ten-second, seven-year relationship with sexy stammer man who loses her tragically because he can't call her name. It would be more tragic if I had spent more than ten seconds with him, but I do like the fact that his very existence either makes it OK that Donna dies at the end if she does, as she has experienced proper life and the true womanly fulfillment of having babies, even fake clone babies, or gives her a possible alternative fate of tracking him down and riding off into the sunset with him if she doesn't die.

How is the little girl with the library in her head going to rescue them?
She doesn't really. Basically, there's a flurry of science.

Oh, and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
As it turns out, quite a bit less than I'd hoped.

Still, another spawning-planet storyline, pattern-watchers.

Home and Away Chefs

I know nobody else watches it because you are all at work, but I can't keep this to myself any longer. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEMONIC CHEFS THAT TOP AND TAIL HOME AND AWAY ON UK TV AT THE MOMENT????? I refuse to name the product they are advertising in case it is any encouragement to the company that produces the adverts, or to Channel Five for screening them. They are worse than evil. If I even catch one second of their ads I want to smash my television. And Alan Dale is surely not so desperate for cash that he had to take the voiceover gig. He is in EVERYTHING.

PLEASE, MAKE THE MADNESS STOP.

On the other hand, I did enjoy the whole Martha / Jack / Sam storyline, so Home and Away is not entirely in my bad books at the moment.

Sunny Day

Advantages: can write in garden, wearing large straw hat left over from Cowboys and Indians party held by the DC Diarist. It has a label inside which says "This is a fancy dress accessory for adults. It is not a toy."

Disadvantages: constant smell of bacon from the cafe across the way. Bacon. Delicious bacon. If half new novel ends up being about bacon, you know why.

A Natural Cement

Speaking of advertising, which I think we were at some point, I have noticed a couple of bizarre examples lately. Firstly there's that one I keep seeing on bus stops, for yet another subgenre of Elvive, which asks: "Has your hair lost strength, a natural cement?" I don't know about the rest of you but cement is not a word I wish to associate with my hair. I mean, I know what cement means in a more general sense, but even so. I think they had it a little bit closer with the "Satin shine, cashmere touch" slogan. "Cement shine, concrete touch": no. (As it happens I once was idly reading the back of a different version of Elvive and noticed that it contained extract of potato, which they were on that occasion sensible enough not to flag up of the front. Hardly orange blossom and jojoba is it?)

I think I will have to put the use of "cement" down to poor translation out of whatever language Elvive originates in. (French? Spanish? American?) However, there is no excuse for the habit my local Costcutter have got into of photocopying articles about how expensive food is getting and sticking them up in their window. I'm not sure what they are trying to say with this. "Food is expensive, but not here, shop here"? I doubt it, because the prices in Costcutter have been heading swiftly upwards of late. "Food is expensive, including here, but it's not just us" is more likely. But the overrall effect is to say "If you come in here you're going to spend a fortune. Best not. But if you absolutely must, buy as little and as cheaply as possible." Which I am not sure is the best business tactic I have ever come across.

Since we are definitely speaking of advertising, a quick one of my own. I've got a couple of readings coming up: on Tuesday, I'm going to be in Port Talbot, at the Taibach library from 6.30pm. And then on Thursday I will be in Luton, at the Wigmore library, at 7.30pm. Hope to see some of you there.

(And PS: the competition to win a signed copy of GBB is still open until tomorrow.)

Kdyz Bohove Delaji Prusery

Or, Gods Behaving Badly in Czech! My copies just arrived, much to my surprise, seeing as I was told it wouldn't be coming out until Summer 2009. If you have a magnifying glass handy you might just about be able to see that I am credited as "Marie Phillipsova", which is my favourite thing about the book. My second favourite thing about it is sentences in the blurb like "Apollon se chce uchytit v televizni reality show a krasna Afrodita, bohyne lasky?" And my third favourite thing about it is that it names this very blog in my biog. Welcome, Czech readers.

Scratch all that - my favourite thing about this book is that it exists. Hurrah for Kdyz Bohove Delaji Prusery!

Here it is!

In situ at Piccadilly Circus. Thanks to Adam Bowie for the pic.

The Magic of Advertising

I saw one! At Bond St, Central Line, eastbound platform. There was a bloke standing next to me, studying it most intently. He had headphones in or I would have told him that I'd read the book and it was excellent and he should go and buy one - or indeed two - right now. The whole experience was dead exciting. I wasn't quick enough to get a picture as the tube came in, so you will have to wait til next time. As luck would have it, I am about to go out and get on the tube right now...

Still waiting to see someone actually reading the book...

Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner...

If you're commuting by tube over the next couple of weeks, keep your eyes peeled at the following stations:

Bank, Moorgate, St Paul's, Chancery Lane, Euston, King's Cross, Warren St, Hillingdon, Earl's Court, South Kensington, Waterloo, Baker St, Bond St, Charing Cross, Embankment, Green Park, Leicester Square, Marble Arch, Marylebone, Oxford Circus, Paddington, Piccadilly Circus, Tottenham Court Road, and Victoria.

Let me know if you see anything of interest....

Doctor Who: Silence in the Library

Now THAT'S how to do a two-parter.

What the hell is going on? How can the library be inside that little girl's head? What's happened to Donna? Who is Dr River Moon? How are they going to get away from the scary walking skeleton in the spacesuit? Seriously, what is the business with the library being inside the girl's head? How are they going to fight against the shadows? How are they going to rescue Donna from whatever the hell it is that's happened her? How does Dr River Moon know the Doctor and is there going to be nookie? Is Dr River Moon is the same person as Dr Moon the psychiatrist, and if so, is there going to be three-way Doctor-Doctor-Doctor nookie in which two of the Doctors are in fact one oscillating shape-shifting hermaphrodite? Should I have a cold shower and a lie down? Was Donna jealous of Dr River Moon? Does it matter, now that she's a face on a stick? How is the little girl with the library in her head going to rescue them? Oh, and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I always like a Who where I don't know every single thing that's going to happen long in advance of it taking place. It was nasty and creepy and uncanny, and the acting was excellent, and the Doctor wore his glasses which is a Brucie bonus. There was more intimation that Donna is going to die, which I have suspected since the Christmas Special which she wasn't even in, and am therefore feeling quite smug about, and will continue feeling smug about until it doesn't happen.* Suspense a-plenty, in case you hadn't got that. And so I am really looking forward to the second half, which is all you want at this stage.

Predictions for the second half? I have very few. The only thing I can say is that I don't think that the Doctor is going to have a relationship with Dr River Moon across time and space. She could be a future companion, but the implied love story makes me doubt that it's a plotline that the current incarnation of Doctor Who would follow, and she seemed pretty familiar with DT's Doctor, so she can't be from that far in the future. So I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that something is going to happen to change the future and indeed the past so that none of it will take place, and all the Doctor will have to remember River Moon by is a book of memories of events that haven't happened and never will. Therefore, just in case, I will have a box of tissues standing by for the second half.**

* It is fair to say that not all my predictions come true.
** See *

UPDATE: It's River Song isn't it? Not Moon. I thought that seemed weird. I worry about my subconscious, but have left it in because it's funnier that way, even if at my expense.