Strictly Come Dancing 6.10.07

It's actually hard to say much about the contestants' performances this week. Knowing that I would be blogging about it, I took notes: I've got a whole page of aides memoires like "Flavia: gold tassled bikini!", "Where is Dominic's neck?" "Gethin and Camilla: stiff", "Ola's boobs!" "Nicole's practice outfit!" "Is Erin wearing a tablecloth?" "Is Craig getting more gay?" and "Brian and Karen: no chemistry."

The problem is that every three minutes the programme cut back to Tess Daly and wiped my memory of what had come before. Dear God in heaven, WHAT was she wearing? An unspeakable platinum straightened fringe helmet hairdo - no no NO no no - and then this white satin dress with sludge coloured patches and some kind of breastomatic uberbra underneath, which might have just about passed muster (although let's be honest, it wouldn't have) if it hadn't been for that BELT. Or to be more accurate, that giant black leather fetish truss trying to eat her middle. It was grotesque. It was obscene. It was appropriately black because it was like some kind of belt-shaped black hole sucking the rest of the programme into its ravenous maw. I feel like Kurtz: the horror, the horror. The belt will live on long after the mediocre starting dances have left my memory.

Still, from what I can piece together from the scraps surrounding the belt-shaped block in my mind, the early highlights were Dominic - surprisingly nifty, but does he have the determination to see it through?; Willie - exceptional footwork, but will come apart in the Latin dances; and John - charm personified, and the only one to really wiggle his hips, but may not have the stamina. At the bottom of my list is the charisma vacuum that is Kenny Logan, for whom I could only find one word: "boring".

Results show tonight: traditionally I don't watch results shows, as they drag everything out to the nth degree and spend most of their time either repeating what you saw the night before or P..... A...... U...... S..... I..... N..... G..... forever before you finally get to find out who's in and who's out, and I resent the waste of my time. We may have to reconvene here, though, if the rumours are true and it's the judges who are choosing who to keep and who to chuck from the bottom two (is this because of the BBC phone-in scandal? I noticed they were being SUPER clear about the phone-in rules) as I disapprove heartily and may have to complain about it.

[Please note: the image illustrating this post is not THE belt. It is merely the best I could do while still preserving my sanity and the sanctity of this blog.]