The Reality...

...is that I spent the entire evening listening to music and dancing around my house with the lights off (decorators took the blinds down.) I forgot: my other addiction.

Now tell me, which is the all time greatest Christmas song. This?



Or this?

more at twiigs.com...

Addiction

I have the decorators in at the moment, painting my living room. They have taken all of the furniture and piled into into the centre of the room and covered it in dust sheets while they do the walls. That's the sofa, the table, the piano... the television. I can't get to it. I can't get to the TV. Even if I could get to it, I couldn't put it in a place where I could switch it on and then sit down and watch it. Tonight there will be no television watching in this house. Right now I am not watching Home and Away, very shortly I will not be watching tomorrow's episode of Home and Away, and later tonight I will not only not be watching Flight of the Conchords, I won't be recording it either, because my PVR is unplugged too. AND IT'S THE LAST IN THE SERIES.

To say that this has induced a state of panic in me would be an understatement. Panic, despair, bewilderment. What the hell am I supposed to do tonight?

Read? Yes, I know I'm an author, but really. It's half past six. I usually go to bed around midnight. Read for five and a half hours? Illywhacker is a great book but it's not entirely easy reading. My brain will give up before the night is out.

Listen to Radio Four? Maybe. But what am I supposed to do with my eyes?

Clean? You have got to be joking. And anyway, the decorators are just going to create more dirt.

Macrame? Needlepoint? Collage? I don't have the equipment. Also, I have the artistic ability of a duck with the squits.

No. I NEED MY TELEVISION. I am not ashamed to admit it, I am an addict. I like watching television. This may be an unfashionable statement, but it's true. It provides me with a lot of pleasure and also good company. I was interviewed today by someone who doesn't have a television, and her justification was this: "There is good stuff on TV but there is so much rubbish too." Well, you don't have to watch the rubbish. You can just watch the good stuff. Strictly! Conchords! Heroes! Doctor Who! There's even a documentary with a friend of mine in it tonight.

But I won't be watching it. I won't be saying goodbye to Bret, Jemaine and Murray (I love you Murray! Don't forget me!) either. Tonight I will probably have a bath, make myself some dinner, read for a couple of hours and then go to bed at around 10pm. Does this sound fun to you? Does it sound healthy? Then, after 8 hours sleep, I might wake up at 6 tomorrow! That's still last night! What's the point of being up at 6? There's nothing on TV at 6!

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO WHEN A GIRL HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN GETTING UP EARLY AND MAKING HER OWN ENTERTAINMENT? I DEMAND MOVING PICTURES MADE BY SOMEBODY ELSE TO KEEP ME OCCUPIED UNTIL MIDNIGHT AT LEAST!!!

Oh actually, I've just realised, I could sit at my computer tonight and watch Gilmore Girls on DVD.

Thank goodness for that. I thought I was going to have to think my own thoughts for a minute.

Phew........

Strictly Come Dancing: Week 10 Results

So farewell, then, Leticia. I will miss your facedancing, your sense of humour, and those appalling Quality Street wrapper outfits they made you wear, but I will not miss people talking about your confidence or your journey or endlessly saying how beautiful you are in that way which after too many repetitions kind of suggests that you're not. I will also miss the painfully lovely Darren. In fact there are so many painfully lovely men in ballroom dancing that I am starting to think I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, and I should let some foundation-smeared sequinista foxtrot his way into my heart. Though having seen that picture of Bruno in a posing pouch that they displayed on today's Results Show, maybe not.

Now for a solemn moment. I must issue a SEVERE REBUKE to ANYONE who sympathy voted for Matt this week. MATT WAS THE WORST DANCER. HE DANCED THE WORST. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE BOTTOM TWO. Yes I know he is cute and twenty years old and he was probably forced to sit through a dress rehearsal of *that* Vincent and Flavia tango (which made me revert to my notion of yes, find love (or at least sex) with a ballroom dancer - which in fact is the plot of many of my favourite bad movies) - but he forgot BOTH dances. Even Leticia danced better mid-vomiting sessions last week. Yes I feel sorry for him and yes it was devastating and heart-breaking and all of that, but unless the boy is made of rubber he is only going to bugger up next week again, when forced to dance a tango with Flavia while being painfully aware of his shortcomings in comparison with Vincent, pressed up against her, not being able to have her, and -

- oh buggery, am I about to start crying again?

OK, I know why you left him in. But it was OUTRAGEOUS that Alesha should have been made to dance in the dance off. SHE IS THE BEST. SHE SHOULD NEVER BE IN THE BOTTOM TWO. IT IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE.

I have now voted for the first time, for Alesha. THE GIRL MUST WIN.

PS Was I the only person reduced to hysterics by "Sir" Cliff Richard's hairpiece?

X Factor Semi Final

Just watched the lunchtime repeat. To my eternal shame, when Sarah from Same Difference started crying at the end of singing 'Never Had A Dream Come True', I burst into tears. I dread to think what the New York Times would have to say about that. Same Difference to win, please. They make incest look like such a wholesome option.

Strictly Come Dancing Week 10

Last week we asked: what on earth was going on between Matt and Flavia? This week the answer would seem to be: terminal break-up scenario.

Poor Matt. He was miserable and a bit rubbish. Also, very very bad plan to dance difficult rhythmic choreography to a song that goes "I just can't control my feet": no Matt, really you can't. Leticia (easily favourite to go until tonight) and Darren's music choice was the equally apposite "To dream the impossible dream", though if the public doesn't save Matt from the dance-off, that dream may not seem quite so impossible. Of course, because of the stupid voting rules, the public have been voting since Sunday and only have til 9pm tonight to respond to the actual dances, so Matt's utter screw-up may have less impact than anticipated.

But on to happier matters, like Tess appearing dressed as an ornamental throw in a funeral parlour, Gethin's continued mastery of the Latin (love that jive), Leticia resuming her facedancing - expression of the week: got to finish this gobstopper before the headmaster sees me - and Alesha just being fabulous. Alesha has been the blog mascot from the start, and quite right too: she is the best and she MUST WIN. Yes, I know she hasn't had a "journey" but it's not fair to penalise her for being talented. Plus she is lovely and Matthew is so adorable and camp I am a bit in love with him in a platonic, can you be my gay best friend (even if you are not gay, though I doubt it) sort of way. Sigh.

Video fix from here.

New York Times

My book is out in the US this week, so the reviews are beginning to appear - including this one in the New York Times today. (Warning: it could hardly squeeze another spoiler in and still stick to the word limit.) It's not my best review, nor is it my worst; I'd classify it under "I really resent how much this trashy novel made me laugh" (I get a lot of that.)

I draw it to your attention, not so that you can avoid reading my novel by getting the whole plot there, or even to show off about being featured in the New York Times though I am quite chuffed about that, but because of the final paragraph. And I quote:

And although Ms. Phillips fulfills her purely lighthearted ambitions for this story, she provides a cautionary example to budding novelists everywhere. Though her background includes stints as an independent bookseller and BBC researcher, she also has a blog full of her thoughts about the hot competition on a television dance-contest show. When writers lived on Mount Olympus, they didn’t talk about things like that.

Oh dear.

I am so sorry that although my CV includes the dizzy heights of intellectualism of stacking books on shelves in alphabetical order, cold-calling Help the Aged to canvass their views on a programme in development called "Adopt a Granny", and - lest we forget - writing a purely lighthearted novel, I waste my time and yours with my thoughts on television dance contests. (And singing contests, be fair.) It is beneath me. It lacks proper gravitas. It is something the New York Times would never do (American readers, help me out here: does the NYT cover Dancing With The Stars?)

Budding novelists, heed my cautionary example. DO NOT BLOG. DO NOT WATCH STRICTLY COME DANCING. DO NOT BLOG ABOUT STRICTLY COME DANCING. OR THE NEW YORK TIMES WILL ACCUSE YOU, TOO, OF HAVING GOT A COMPUTER TO WRITE YOUR NOVEL FOR YOU.

Good night. I'm off to read Kant, feel shame, and renounce fun.

X Factor Revisited

As a Strictly fan (which I am, in case you were unsure) I haven't been following X Factor, but this week I noticed that it had been moved up the schedules so the programmes no longer clash, so I thought I'd check in.

Oh. My. God. What on earth is going on?

EVERYBODY on X Factor this year is terrible. Hope, the girl band who make Pussycat Dolls look like differentiated individuals. Rhydian, the opera alien. Leon, the Rat Pack's tea boy. Niki the charisma black hole. And dear god in heaven, Same Difference, which is the singing equivalent of being tied up in a Barbie factory and force-fed glitter.

How anyone will be able to choose a favourite and vote in that contest is beyond me. I have to say my general inclination is that the utterly horrifying Same Difference should probably get it, as they clearly have a long and successful career ahead of them presenting nauseating CeeBeeBies shows and making parents suicidal when their four-year-old children insist on being taken to a Same Difference concert. Also, then there could be Same Difference dolls which I could mutilate.

In any case, I heard that voting is massively down on previous years, which commentators put down to viewer lack of trust in ITV phone-ins. Rather than total apathy / hating all the contestants, for example.

Last but not least, Louis Walsh remains the most insufferable man on the planet. I am sure he is only there so that you don't notice how vile the rest of the judging panel are.

Enough. I'm back to Strictly.

Strictly Come Dancing: Week 9 Results

Good golly Miss Molly, what was that?

I'm not talking about Kenny getting voted off. Yeah, yeah. We knew that was going to happen. We don't care. We're moving on. We're mostly just happy this means that there won't be constant cutaways to Gabby / VT of Kenny and Gabby at home / mentions of how Gabby should not have been voted out. YES SHE SHOULD. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN VOTED OUT. WE'RE GLAD THAT SHE'S GONE. SHE WAS VOTED OUT BECAUSE WE DIDN'T LIKE HER. THAT'S HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS. STOP SHOWING SUCH CONTEMPT FOR YOUR AUDIENCE.

Ahem.

No, I'm talking about the Matt - Flavia - Vincent love triangle.

Think back to Saturday - yes, I know I told you to forget, now remember - where Tess was all jokes about Matt and Flavia being a couple and dancing the dance of love, and Matt was looking panicky and tearful and saying things like "Yes, I pretend I'm in love with her" and Flavia was deploying her best "I'm dancing in uncomfortable shoes but the show must go on" smile. Footage from training, however, showed flirtation beyond the call of duty and some neck kissing. YES. REMEMBER THE NECK KISSING.

Then, in tonight's show - filmed only a few hours later on Saturday, remember - Vincent and Flavia are announced as doing a special solo dance, "a very romantic waltz". That's Flavia, and Vincent. Her (official) boyfriend. They come on dressed as extras from Swan Lake and do what indeed turns out to be a very romantic waltz, which ends up with Vincent holding her and - yes - KISSING HER NECK.

What is going on? What? What? Is Flavia with Matt? Is Flavia with Vincent? Is Flavia with Matt *and* Vincent? Is she in transition between the two? Or back and forth and back and forth and back and forth? Who has the neck kissing rights? Was Vincent stirring up trouble between his ex and her new lover? Was the neck kissing part of the dance? Or was it sincere?

I must know! I must! These questions are never properly addressed on Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two! And what am I going to do if Matt gets voted off and chooses not to sell his story to a tabloid newspaper? I'll never find out! I can't bear it! I cannot be denied!

[long exhalation...]

And you thought this was a dancing competition?

Strictly Come Dancing: Week 9

Forget everything. Forget Tess's belt, forget Brucie's jokes about Leticia's facedancing, forget Leticia vomiting, forget Tess's quips about Matt and Flavia's "dance of love" and Matt's panic every time love was mentioned (bless him, he's only 12, or legal equivalent), forget Alesha and Matt and Leticia and Kenny and you can even forget about Gethin's waltz. Because tonight was about one thing, and one thing only. Gethin's salsa.

How to describe? At times like this an inferior writer such as myself is defeated and must reach for the words of the bard. By which of course I mean AA Milne. Or possibly Disney interpretor thereof.

The wonderful thing about Gethin
Is Gethin's a wonderful thing
His top is made out of rubber
His bottom is made out of springs
And he's bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun fun fun fun fun!
And the most wonderful thing about Gethin is
His salsa's next to none!

Am I getting too overexcited? It's just that until now he's been so - let's not mince words - soul-crushingly tedious, and suddenly he's had the Ramprakash injection! Go! Go Gethin!

You know, I could write more about this, or you could just watch it.

See what I mean?

I may now have to have him in the final just so he can perform the full-length version. I'm getting very torn in my loyalties, I must confess.

Strictly Come Dancing: Goodbye Kelly

So Kelly Brook has decided to leave Strictly Come Dancing following the death of her father from cancer.

It's pretty hard to be witty and entertaining about this kind of thing. At times like this you realise that the whole edifice on which celebrity culture is built - essentially, forming instant and passionate like or dislikes for people that you know next to nothing about, based on factors such as whether they keep their mouth open the whole time when people are talking to them - is a pretty fragile one. It's impossible to wish this kind of thing on anybody. Also, I am going to miss her loads on Strictly, because I adored the terrible dichotomy that she raised in me, i.e. it being obvious that she was one of the best dancers, but (OK, OK) not wanting her to win because I found her irritating. Sigh. I'm sure she is actually really nice, poor thing.

Having said that, I reckon it is still pretty safe to hate Brendan.