Strictlywatch 2008: Week 5

Strictly Come Dancing? More like Slickly Come Hair Oil. I first noticed it on Tom Chambers. His tidily combed barnet reminded me of when Calvin in Calvin & Hobbes clones himself as a goody-goody. Hang on let me see if I can find a pic...


Hmm - well that's the best I can do. Anyway, then I noticed it on James. And then I realised that all the men dancing the American Smooth had had their hair Smoothed down in maximum unflattering fashion, like that episode of Seinfeld with the ineffectual shower heads:



Believe me, it must have been pretty bad to distract me from Mark Foster in THAT mesh shirt. And I don't mean that in a good way.

But to the dances - I believe that is what I am here for.

First up, Rachel and Vincent dancing samba. Is Rachel bribing wardrobe to get the only decent dresses? Anyway this dance didn't get much love from the judges which surprised me because it was probably my favourite of hers so far. Having said that I essentially mark her and Vincent on sleaze, and as each week Vincent is getting less slimy, each week I like them more. Rachel still needs to get more charismatic to really convince me with her dancing though.

Next, Brendan and Lisa's American Smooth. Judges went wild over this which surprised me again, because although I did like it, much more than any of their other dances, it pales next to to the obvious comparison of Brendan and Kelly's, even with the legitimate number of lifts. I can't quite see Lisa as a real contender for the top spot, more a steady middle of the table player.

Then Heather and Brian dancing the samba. Brian's Latin is so phenomenal that he may be taking over as professional I'd most like to dance with. However I don't think it's doing Heather any favours because she just looks so wooden next to him. Her training videos always look great but she's terrible on the dancefloor, which is making me wonder if nerves are a factor. Anyway I expect to see them in the bottom two again this week, though there is a lot of competition for that spot.

Cherie and James up next, dancing an American Smooth to an acoustic version of Layla. Weird choice of music - the dance is lovely but the song sort of deads the whole thing out. If they'd danced to some gorgeous old showtune I'd have loved it, but to this I was a little bit bored. Tess couldn't resist making a comment about Cherie's looks again this week. MY GOD YOU'RE OLD - SO OLD! AND YET NOT GROSS! read my own personal subtitles.

Then Mark Foster, dancing a samba, apparently in fetish wear. In the training video, Mark was told he needed acting lessons, and so John Barrowman was called in. Acting lessons from *John Barrowman*? John Barrowman of *Torchwood*?? Did anybody think this through? Anyway, cynical old me can't help but feel that this plus the mesh shirt was a coded message to gay Strictly fans, as in: you may not be aware that Mark Foster is gay, but he is! Look at his clothes! Look at his friends! Vote for him! Sadly acting lessons have only succeeded in turning Mark from a shy man who can't dance to a shy man who can't dance but has been taught how to pretend he is not embarrassed shimmying in public. He looked less as if he'd been getting lessons from John Barrowman and more as if he'd been possessed by Gary Rhodes. But I think he will stay in this time, as a reward for his enthusiasm.

Don and Lilia followed this up with an American Smooth which served mainly to make me think that the tango was Don's finest hour and it isn't getting any better than that. Don is endearingly nervous and has a lovely smile, but that might well not be enough to save him. Still, I am going to stick my neck out here and say that there's no room at the bottom for him this time.

Austin next, with a samba. I am going to have to stage an intervention to get Erin to dye her hair black again. And maybe to eat some pies. I miss the old, dark, normal-sized Erin. Anyway, I find Austin puzzling, because he is blatantly really good, and yet I still haven't quite fallen in love with his dancing. Could this be the first year that my favourite doesn't win Strictly?

Then Andrew and Ola with an American Smooth. I actually can't remember a thing about this except that I didn't like it, despite the fact that one of the people dancing was Ola, and I love Ola. Andrew is one of those people who makes my skin crawl for reasons I can't elucidate. It's interesting, or possibly not, that this is also a description of every single other man I can think of who has played Tennis for England. Also, Ola did him no favours choreographing to "You know I'm no good". I think these things work subliminally on the audience. Last week Jessie went out having danced to Help. Anyway, the other spot in my predicted bottom two is reserved for them, and I'd like to see them go home.

Next up, Christine and Matthew's samba. Christine is good, but she's not good enough to stand out, and even though I adore Matthew his choreography is never show-stopping, so this is another of those ones I can't remember. In fact, when Bruce announced that Christine was up next, I was like: Oh, I had completely forgotten about her.

I had not completely forgotten about Jodie and Ian however. I love them. I love them as a couple, and I love Jodie, who talks cheerfully about being a talentless, graceless dancer, and sort of gallumphs around the rehearsal room like she's waltzing in wellies, and yet sort of gets on with it without too much fuss and then, tonight, comes out and dances a really lovely American Smooth. I particularly like Jodie's dancing face, and I'm not being sarcastic for once. She has a really charming natural smile. I don't think she's any kind of dark horse, whatever Arlene says, and she's bound to go out in a few weeks, but I'd like her to stay in as long as possible. And consider the evidence: she improved! She's being called a dark horse! Yup, it's a Strictly Journey all right.

John and Kristina then took to the floor with their Samba. Got to hand it to Kristina, choreographing to Papa Loves Mambo, a song about a rubbish old bloke dancing. They sort of walked around the floor, except one bit when John did lots of tiny little steps. It was, as you'd expect, completely charming, and you've got to love John's offhand remark that the public will save them. Indeed they will.

Last up Tom and Camilla with a great American Smooth. I am enjoying Tom so much that it's rubbing off on Camilla and I am starting to like her too. I know! Despite the cardinal sin of wearing culottes, Camilla had been dressed in a white-and-sepia-coloured outfit which made it actually look as if they were in a black and white movie. Tom's dance was lovely, and he is using acting faces to great advantage. Much was made of Tom's getting married tomorrow, but I think it's next week rather than this week which could show the strain of that, especially as Camilla is going on honeymoon with him. Would we like that, ladies? No we would not. What about you, gents? Any thoughts?

So there we go! Definitely much more exciting this week now that the blokes and girls are dancing together, even Tess's enthusiasm seemed genuine. Dances to be found in the usual place.