Strictlywatch 2008: Week 3

The headbanging. Oh god. The headbanging. We can approach it any way we like but this week's Strictly was all about Andrew Castle headbanging. It was the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep last night and the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning. It will scar me for life. Andrew Castle. Tennis player and GMTV presenter. Headbanging. In a TANGO. I hope Ola Jordan is thoroughly ashamed of herself.

It happened quite late on in the programme. I will attempt to get through the rest of proceedings in an orderly fashion.

First the presenters. Bruce's jokes are getting out of control. Not only are they getting less and less funny, he now insists on having an additional period of what seems like several minutes afterwards to comment on the joke, whether it was cruel, whether it was funny, whether it was satire, whether he is doddery (bad catchphrase, and he is. The audience should just leave him in pointed silence after, "I am not doddery, doddery I am...") The only light relief is to watch Tess's "listening face" on the occasions when she is standing next to him. It is a work of unintentional comedy genius.

To the dances. First up, Erin and Austin's jive. I have trouble recognising Erin even after three weeks because of her awful new hair colour and tooth veneers. In the training video, we are introduced to Austin's jiving dad, who appears to be Chris Evans in a white wig. The dance itself is very skillful but I fail to enjoy it, perhaps because I am distracted by Auston's sleeveless top and huge great gallumphing elephant arms. They have muscles like treetrunks which is a bit disconcerting when Austin has the face of a ten year old boy.

Next up, Mark and Hayley. A tango. I had to look it up because I couldn't remember. Mark does nothing. Hayley is dull. Please go home.

Then Gary and Karen dancing a jive. I was very mean to Gary in last week's post, and I also voted for him, which indicates some confusion. This week I felt hideously guilty about both, because Gary is a truly awful, awful dancer, and he probably can't help it, and I should never have forced him to do another week, and I am filled with immense sorrow on his behalf if he stays in and has to do more dances, and yet I do kind of want him to stay in because he is so entertaining. Needless to say this jive is terrible.

John and Kristina follow this up with a tango. I am in love with them. I can't help it. Kristina has only been in it for three weeks and already she is one of my favourite professional dancers. It's the way she wears skin-tight leopard print and fawns over John like a mail-order bride. (I mean this as the sincerest possible compliment. We are in a ballroom dancing context after all.) Their tango is as sweet as their waltz, but tangoes are not supposed to be sweet, so they lose marks. My friend immediately pledges to vote for them because they MUST stay in.

Next is Andrew and Ola and OH GOD IT IS ALL FLOODING BACK. Actually it wasn't a bad tango at first even though Andrew was dancing with his bum out. But he was actually dancing, which is more than you can say for Mark, and his tango face was priceless. (For non-watchers, the tango face is very important. You can practise at home. Look as constipated as you possibly can. You've got it!) And then - NO NO NO NO NO - the HEADBANGING! Like a sort of angry turkey trying to get through a door. WHY? Ola is noted for her dancing gimmicks (remember the under-the-kilt move with Kenny) but this was just WRONG. NO.

Moving swiftly on to Tom and Camilla's jive. I fancy Tom, because he reminds me of a sexy ex boyfriend, and he is a bit camp, which I totally love. He also seems to be a bit arrogant which I pretend I don't love but probably do. His jive is great. I would like it even more if he was partnered with anyone other than Camilla. Why does she get the sexy men every year? Why? Is it to distract us from her teeth? Notably, she is my brother's favourite, so maybe it's one of those things where women don't get it but men do.

Lastly, Don and Lilia. Don was in the dance-off last week and only saved by Len's casting vote, and was really pretty rubbish. This week he was fab. His tango face is truly terrifying (what have you been eating, Don?) and he was properly in time with the music and dancing and everything. Lilia is some kind of genius teacher. Affeared that he doesn't have a fanbase, and bowled over by his improvement, Don gets my vote.

So, for the dance off? I think Gary could be saved by the public a la Kate Garraway, so I am going to be optimistic and go for the dance off I'd like to see: Mark versus Andrew, Mark to go.

All dances can be watched here. BE WARNED about Andrew's, BE WARNED.