Strictlywatch 2008: Week 4

Another slightly meh night from the girls. So far this season I've definitely been finding the men's nights more entertaining, because there are greater extremes, not only of ability, but of personality, so the characters are either more charming or more abhorent - illustrated in part by their terrifyingly chaotic group rueda tonight (bottom IN, Andrew Castle, bottom IN). The girls' brigade on the other hand seems full of types who are nice but not terribly interesting. I am very much looking forward to them combining next week.

But anyway, to the dances, which is what matters after all.

Matthew struck what I considered to be a bit of an own goal by choreographing his and Christine's quickstep to "She's So Lovely" by Scouting for Girls - which, quite aside from being an irritating song, was a bit self congratulatory, a la: "Isn't she lovely though? Isn't she?" Which just invites you to go: "No, not really". Actually Christine is more lovely than not, but she comes across as a bit dull, so it's too early in the season to hymn to her loveliness. More to the point, the song is rhythmically weird, and there seemed to be moments where they stopped dancing entirely to sort of point Christine at the camera as if to say: "Yes, she IS lovely. Vote for her. Or if you don't vote for her, at least remember her. Please."

Next up, Jodie and Ian. Crikee, the rhumba is not Jodie's dance. And I speak as a Jodie fan. She had a few nice moments in the dance but overall was stiff as a priest in a bordello. I liked the kiss on the lips from Ian, who can get away with it, as a member of the gays. Judging by It Takes Two, Jodie and Ian get on like a house on fire, and it terms of sheer relationship dynamics they are my second favourite couple after John and Kristina. I don't want them to go out, but fear they haven't done enough to stay in.

Next up Heather and alien-faced Brian. I still can't get over the transformation which happens to alien-faced Brian when he gets on the dancefloor and suddenly gets all fluid and sexy and charismatic. Perhaps it is to do with him being part alien? Sadly no similar transformation with Heather, despite some great choreography from Brian. Brian is something of a Strictly genius in that he is gimmick-tastic: the start of Heather's salsa right up again the judges' table, and this week's business on the stairs. I am a bit in love with alien-faced Brian, but only on the dancefloor. At all other times in our relationship he would be forced to walk a few steps ahead of me so that I could only see him from behind.

After that Cherie! Thank god for Cherie. She really is amazing. Her rhumba was beautiful, and I write as someone who, bluntly, hates the rhumba. The dance of love? The dance of sleaze, the 1980s, and asymmetrical dresses more like. That's not love in my book (seriously, read my book: that is definitely not love in it.) A GBB reader, whose email address I lost in the recent computer meltdown, so I never wrote back (sorry, if you're reading this), wrote to me telling me that Cherie has had dance training, and to that I say the following: (a) not in ballroom - I checked, and no more than any other actress, and (b), as long as she keeps producing dances as brilliant as this, I don't care. Cherie FTW (which is for the win, in internet parlance, apparently.)

Poor Jessie Wallace had to dance after that and if her quickstep was never going to be much cop (and it wasn't), it seriously suffered in comparison. Choreographing it to "Help!" really didn't help (so to speak) - lyrically it was far too apt, and rhythmically it seemed almost impossible to dance a quickstep to. (Also, as an aside, they made her do it in some kind of diaphanous white potato sack, one of any number of viler than vile costumes for the night - Christine in queasy acid yellow, Cherie in some kind of sex toga, Jodie in a burst purple balloon, and some of the female pro dancers apparently in fishtail bikinis. Am I imagining things or are the costumes the most hideous this year than they have ever been? They made the Kids From Fame fancy dress outfits in the men's group training video look tasteful in comparison.) Anyway, it was clunky and awful, and Jessie burst into tears afterwards, and Darren said it had been much better in training which it probably was, and I suddenly realised how foul Strictly must be if you can't pull it out of the bag on the night. Having said that, Jessie was the worst, and really should go home, but having deployed the nuclear option of tears may well be saved by the public for another shot.

Then Brendan and Lisa's rhumba. Brendan choreographs great rhumbas because, as mentioned, it's the dance of sleaze, and he is sleazy. I don't think he can help it; it's something to do with his skin. Anyway Lisa was much better than last time, and even though I'm not a massive fan of Lisa she's definitely doing enough to stay in for a few more weeks at least. Perhaps she will go on a "journey" and win me over. (No sign of any journeys yet in Strictly this season, which is perplexing. The closest we have come so far is Tess telling Cherie that she has a magnificent figure - she may as well have said "Oh my god, you're old and yet not decrepit.")

Last up, Rachel and Vincent. A quickstep, to "Little Green Bag", which struck me as yet another odd choreography choice - odd choreography being one of the three themes of the evening, alongside bad outfits, and, well, see below. Anyway this was a good dance, and there was actually a moment of genuine niceness between Rachel and Vincent in the training video (her crying, him saying "am I pushing you too hard" with real concern) which almost make up for the slimy hand-kiss at the top of the stairs at the very beginning of the show (please stop it Vincent, please stop.) I'm not wild about them as a couple yet though, perhaps because Rachel has a sort of bland niceness that's hard to get passionate about.

So what is the third theme of the night? Well, did anybody else notice that the judges seem to have swapped personalities? Craig just gets nicer and nicer, Len was scoring lower than Arlene, and Bruno was actually quite grumpy (I blame jetlag from flying back and forth between Strictly and Dancing With The Stars in LA.) What is the world coming to when Craig is giving helpful constructive criticism and decent marks while Bruno describes Heather's dance as "like she was being chased around the floor by Russell Brand" (and how much do you love that this is his idea of the worst creature you could be chased by?) Next week, Bruce and Tess swap personalities, so Tess makes terrible jokes about her age while Bruce shows off a series of metallic belts and sympathetic eye-rolls.

All dances here.

UPDATE: I forgot to predict the dance off! Very tricky this week. I think Jessie might be saved by the public vote, which probably means Jodie and Heather in the dance off, Jodie to go?