Strictlywatch 2008: Week Two

The lights! The music! The satin! The weird arm cuff thingy that made Tess look like she was on day release from jail! It's Strictly time again!

I was tickled during the week to hear on It Takes Two that Louisa Lytton used to throw up on herself every time she heard the Strictly music because it made her so nervous. And so welcome, with a collective retch, to the second episode of the 2008 season: it's ladies' night! And very appropriate for us all to be vomiting with such nervous vigour because I have never seen a group of people look so terrified as the women tonight. There was a lot of stomach clutching going on, a lot of pale faces under the slap. Could they have heard the online gossip that anticipated, bluntly, something akin to a hippo ballet?

They needn't have worried. There was nothing here approaching the trainwreck I had (gleefully, I admit) anticipated. Nobody was really awful, although few stood out as particularly good either.

Jessie "Jelly" Wallace (thanks Bruce) was up first, in what my Strictly companion terms her Chicago audition - the hair! The jazz hands! The jazz faces! A bit clumpy, a bit flaily, but OK. Appeared to have forgotten to wear anything on her bottom half underneath the gold lampshade, but that's a matter for wardrobe.

Next up: Christine Bleakley. (Or perhaps not. The lack of extremes in either direction of this episode mean that I can't actually remember in what order everyone danced, but I'll do my best.) A lovely foxtrot with Matthew which mainly served to remind me how much I love Matthew as he sang along with the music throughout.

Lisa Snowdon and Brendan's salsa was technically good but failed to excite me. Maybe because I find them about as appealing as two sachets of tartar sauce writhing together. Lisa's breasts drew admiration from the men in the group: dad vote ahoy. Craig commented that she has natural rhythm. I'm confused: she's not black.

Jodie Kidd and Ian did a much better foxtrot than I expected from her dreadful performances in the group dances. Partly just amazing that as a giantess she can move with any grace whatsoever. We figured out that in her heels her legs would approximately come up to fellow female viewer (4 ft 11)'s shoulders.

Bored yet? We're halfway through.

Heather Small did an energetic salsa with new boy, alien-headed Brian. I have been callous and cruel with my off-blog comments about alien-headed Brian, mainly because he has a head like an alien, but also because he has a particularly irritating American accent, a chest waxed so shiny that you could pluck your eyebrows in its reflection, and he is new, so I hadn't had a chance to grow to like him yet. I say "hadn't" because he really pulled it out of the bag tonight with a top routine. So now I officially like him. It is not his fault he has an alien head, blame the green dude who abducted his mum. (Might explain the shiny chest as well.) I would love to dance with alien-headed Brian, sadly I have fewer thoughts about Heather Small.

Gillian Taylforth let us all down but not being nearly as bad a dancer as one might have hoped, producing a perfectly creditable foxtrot with Anton "Tony Beak" du Becq, and being mainly of note for her unspeakably bad dress (always a bad sign when the giant cherries turn out to be flowers). All the way through her scores, Brendan was grimacing behind her, and none of us could figure out whether it was indigestion, dismay that she was actually halfway decent, or if he had really hoped they were cherries as well.

Rachel Stevens signed up for her designated position as "the one who will be favourite all the way through but go out third or maybe fourth because nobody really likes her" (cf Emma Bunton) by doing a very complicated salsa with Vincent, which I would probably enjoy a lot more if I didn't have to watch Vincent smear her with erotic ectoplasm every time they're on camera. Shudddddddddder.

And last up Cherie Lunghi, who did a really stunning foxtrot with James, definitely the best of the night (though as ever undeserving of a 9!! from Len). And she was gorgeous. Classy dad vote ahoy. Only slightly hampered by being forced to wear the kind of thing you might expect to wrap a beached whale in overnight to keep it warm and stop boats from crashing into it. Sort of dayglo green and shiny. Grim.

Very hard to anticipate who will be in the bottom two, but I'd say Jessie's a cert, perhaps with Lisa or Jodie. Jessie to go.

And before you leave us! The men's group marengue was a step up from group dances so far. Austin is looking hard to beat, Tom also good. Mark makes me want to head into a coma which is quite some feat with that torso.

Lastly, because there is nowhere else to fit it in with ease: who on earth thought it was a good idea to have Bruce make a joke, re Cherie's appearance in Oliver!, about not needing another Nancy on the show? Not funny. Properly offensive. Totally unnecessary. New writers, please.