Strictlywatch 2008: Week One

At first, it seemed to be a bland start to the series. Tess's clothes have improved markedly since the war-on-two-fashion-fronts of last year's fringe and belt combo, so while her plum gown and wavy hairdo were much easier on the eye, they were also sadly less blogworthy. Bruce's patter meanwhile has lost even more of its sheen with age, and keeping up with the autocue has become a visible strain for him. So far, so meh.

And the initial dances did little to lift proceedings. OK, so my lustometer gave a hearty ding dong when Tom Chambers and Camilla took to the stage: Tom's bum is a phenomenon, and I look forward to see more of its wiggling as the series progresses. But why does Camilla always get the sexy men while the other girls are dealt dud after dud? Flavia was surely being punished for last year's indiscretions with Matt by having to dance with Phil Daniels this year, whose dance was so unremarkable I can't even remember if it was a waltz or a cha cha cha. And what did poor Lilia do to deserve not only Don Warrington but that retina-scarring dress? Don was so out of time that I turned to my Strictly Companion and said that surely this time none of the judges could accuse him of having natural rhythm as they do with every other black contestant. But sure enough that was almost the first thing out of Craig's mouth. Those black folk come out of the birth canal clapping in time with the heart monitor, you know. Next up was Austin Healey and Erin, with a waltz which, while creditable enough, in no way deserved Len's hysterical 9 - he is going to have to go all X Factor and start scoring in zillions and trillions after that. This couple are defintely one to watch though, as talent + sportsman competitiveness + Erin will prove hard to beat. Then Mark Foster, despite his astonishing chest, proved all my worst fears about his watery personality by dancing the dullest of all possible waltzes with equally uninteresting new girl Hayley. His promise to dance in his swimwear if he gets to the final smacked of (a) desperation and (b) the assurance that it will never actually come to that.

At this point I was yawning a bit and wondering whether Strictly had always been this average. And then came a final trio of such outstanding entertainingness that I wanted to kiss the television with joy and relief.

First up, Gary Rhodes and Karen Hardy. Dear god in heaven, I thought Gaby was competitive last year. Gary Rhodes, possibly the world's least charming man, combines unspeakably bad dancing with a rabid need to win, a freakishly high opinion of his abilities, and an appalling inability to take criticism - his rictus grin as the judges laid into him will surely be one of the highlights of the series. Karen, whose naked competitiveness was only partially shielded by a tinfoil toga, had helped by devising a cha cha cha for him which could not have been more ghastly (was that a bongos moment or a cooking mime on her back?), and he proceeded to screw up almost every moment of it. Craig channeled my exact feelings by awarding it a 1. Gary was so repulsive in every way that I immediately had to call up and vote to keep him in.

Next up was John Sargeant, and new Russian dancer Anna Nicole Smithova (may not actually be her name). John already had me on side before he hit the dancefloor by being sweet, funny and endearingly modest in the training interviews, and then he won me over completely by dancing what turned out to be a really lovely waltz. He became my instant favourite and I hope he stays in long enough to show us his jive. And his salsa. And, oh, everything.

And then bringing up the rear in more ways than one were Andrew Castle and Ola. O la la, if I may be so hackneyed. Of Andrew Castle I can say little. He seemed a bit stiff, and hardly surprising. Ola took to the stage in a low cut (back and front) skin tight catsuit and proceeded to writhe all over the place, mesmerising this heterosexual woman with her huge, pert breasts and gorgeous round bum to such an extent I couldn't tear my eyes away for even one second to look at what her dancing partner was doing. What male / lesbian viewers were going through I can barely imagine. The judges all gave average comments and marks - I doubt they could see Mr Castle either.

In conclusion, Tom, Gary, John and Andrew must stay in for all possible versions of entertainment value. Austin should stay for dancing talent. Mark for his body and no other reason. Don and Phil to be bottom two, tight as a witch's whatsit as to who will actually go.

And then!!! As if that were not enough, we got a sneak preview of the girls' "talents" by watching them perform a group dance. And my goodness, they must be the least able group of women Strictly has ever produced. They were ALL dreadful. All of them. Although if I had to pick a particular worst it would have to be Gillian Taylforth, partnered with - hurrah! - Anton Du Bec (aka Tony Beak), who has taken on so many lemons he could open a greengrocer's. Meanwhile Vincent's 'take that, Flavia!' sleazing over Rachel Stevens is already bringing me close to vomiting. I can barely contain myself til next week.

All dances can be watched on the Strictly Come Dancing homepage. I did embed Karen and Gary's for your viewing "pleasure" but had to remove it because the BBC embed system plays the dances automatically, and believe me you do not want that every time you come to my page.