50 Things Every British Girl Should Have

UPDATE: Reading over this again, I feel I haven't made myself sufficiently clear. This is the most ghastly, ludicrous, godawful list of non-essential "essentials" I have ever seen. But anyway, as you were.

According to the Sunday Times Style Section by way of Belgian Waffle.

You know the drill by now. Copy and paste into your own blog, bold anything you actually own, take the piss mercilessly in italics everything else, wonder how one earth you qualify as British when you only score five out of fifty. NB I have left their own comments in normal font. Alons-y, Alonzo!

1 GOLD HOOP EARRINGS For days when you wanna look J.Lo glam. These shouldn’t be so big as to look like you haven’t got over the gypsy trend, nor so small as to make you look like a three-year-old on a council estate.
Nope. I look like a fortune teller in hoops.

2 A BERET For bad-hair days. It will take you straight to Kim Basinger in Batman. Just don’t obsess about the angle: they should be worn with nonchalance.
When my hair is lookng awful, I do not wish to compound it by wearing a *beret*. Even a nonchalant beret. Perhaps it is supposed to distract from the bad hair?

3 A VINTAGE OSSIE CLARK DRESS Separates the women from the girls. Fabulously flattering at any age, from 18 to 80.
I am not sure if wearing Ossie Clark makes you a woman or a girl, but either way I am the other one.

4 EXPENSIVE BLACK LACE LINGERIE At least one set. For obvious reasons.
Obvious reasons like I'm single and the last person who saw me in my knickers was an unexpected and very surprised Jehovah's Witness? However, I have half-bolded this. "For obvious reasons".

5 A PAIR OF THERMAL SHORTS For when you want to wear a skirt without tights, but it’s a bit parky outside.
I do own thermal long johns but inexplicably they are not on this list. Should I be wearing the thermal shorts over the expensive black lace lingerie?

6 SILK STOCKINGS A rite of passage for every woman — and, subsequently, for her man. In slightly unusual shades — such as petrol or burgundy — they make an outfit. And in this country they can be worn for three-quarters of the year.
and subsequently, for the ragged edge on the chair which makes a massive hole in them the first time she wears them, leaving her severely out of pocket. I'll stick to nylons, thanks.

7 A DECENT TRENCH COAT Some people are scared of trenches because they look fussy — they’re not. Everyone from Burberry to M&S does them, so there’s no excuse.
Hurrah! Hurrah! I am a woman after all!

8 A LEATHER JACKET It should be cropped and fitted nicely around your waist. Takes you from a gig to the supermarket via your mum’s and a first date. Enough said.
A gig followed by the supermarket via my mum's and a first date - just one of my typical evenings.

9 A GOOD WALLET Because if a bag matters, so does your purse — and people see it all the time. Jimmy Choo’s, we feel, are particularly well thought-out.
I thought I was going to be able to bold this one until I saw their measure of good being "Jimmy Choo".

10 A PAIR OF FALSIES (eyelashes, that is). Instant divadom.
I have no pairs of false anything, not even teeth

11 A VINTAGE DRESS One that’s seen much better days — for being very trashy in.
Technically yes. I have a second hand dress that I sometimes wear for taking out the trash.

12 A PAIR OF MAD SUNGLASSES They should be too mad to go on a date in, but just mad enough to feel liberated.
Too mad to go on a date in? Are we talking Timmy Mallett (pictured, non-British readers)? Er, No.

13 A SHORT, BLACK BOB WIG Check out of you-ness and be Louise Brooks for the day.
EVERY woman in Britain needs a black bob wig. EVERY woman.

14 A STRING OF REAL PEARLS OR REAL PEARL EARRINGS Great for the complexion, as they diffuse light across your face.
So does chip fat.

15 A T-SHIRT DRESS One you’ve had since you were 22. Just throw it on and go.
Nothing says chic like a giant T-shirt I have owned for ten years.

16 A PAIR OF MEN’S BROGUES For looking playfully serious.
To wear, or for juggling with?

17 SOMETHING DELICATE AND ANCIENT It must be kept in acid-free tissue paper — anything made of Victorian lace, for example.
Well, there's my grandmother, but I don't keep her in acid-free tissue paper.

18 DEREK ROSE FLANNEL PYJAMAS For spending Sundays and sickies in.
I do have flannel PJs but I fell at the Derek Rose (who?) hurdle.

19 WHITE CORDS Less flash than white denim, more elegant than jeans. Wear with a navy pea coat, and you are Jackie O.
I am not Jackie O.

20 A KHAKI PARKA Just like the one Kate Moss wore with those Westwood boots in 2000. Never goes out of style, always looks cool — whatever anyone says.
Not since Reading Festival 199cough.

21 GREEK SANDALS Ones that age beautifully and last for ever.
I should really have got some when my book came out, but... no.

22 BOLD STATEMENT HEELS Six inches? Toe cleavage? Huge platform? Orange PVC? Perfect. Shoes that get people talking. And never stop.
Six inches? Toe cleavage? Huge platform? Orange PVC? Run! Head for the hills! Except, of course, you can't. Next!

23 A BLACK CASHMERE ROLLNECK If you must wear basics, console yourself with luxury. Audrey Hepburnesque and great with jeans and minis.
Yes! Yes! I have one! I am Audrey Hepburn! I am the definition of style! Also, it was half price at Uniqlo.

24 HAIRSPRAY (ELNETT) AND KIRBY GRIPS For dramatic evening up-dos.
Owned, yes. Used, never.

25 A CAMEO BROOCH These are practical, but always remarkable, and their colours don’t clash with outfits — unlike jewelled brooches.
Well thank you for clarifying that. Still no.

26 BOAT NECKS If you have a strong collarbone, show off this alternative erogenous zone.
Hurrah! Another one! I am so alternatively erotic.

27 A WATCH Needn’t be expensive, but should either have a small face and a fabric or leather strap; or be chunky and sporty — aka the “boyfriend watch”.
I bought it at an airport and it doesn't work, but technically I haven't thrown it away yet, so...

28 JAPANESE DARK DENIM JEANS Very simple, narrow, but not skinny, wide or bootcut. Never, ever wash them.
*Never wash them*? Doesn't matter, I don't have any.

29 A SLIGHTLY-TOO-SHORT LCD (little coloured dress). Black is okay, but purple (see Michelle Obama), red or jade are better.
Moving on.

30 A COLOSSAL COCKTAIL RING For when you need instant cheer.
Or to punch someome in the face, the editor of the Sunday Times Style section, for example.

31 DECENT WELLINGTON BOOTS Le Chameau, Argyll and Hunter all pass muster. Never be caught in a shiny novelty pair — you will be outed as a novice in an instant.
Shiny novelty pair, check. Am novice.

32 LEATHER DRIVING GLOVES. For looking murderously chic. Get them from the high street — no point spending a fortune, as gloves are so easily lost.
Perfect for commiting murder! Another no.

33 A BRETON TOP Insouciant, witty, timeless, French, sexy.
Yes! I am nothing if not insouciant, witty, timeless, French and sexy. Except maybe not timeless. See above: I own a watch.

34 CASHMERE SOCKS It’s not a style thing, it’s a love thing: a love-yourself thing.
I love me. So does my mother, she was the one who bought me the socks.

35 A SILK SQUARE It can serve as a belt, a neckscarf, a duster — and as a headscarf, is just perfect for autumn bike rides.
Also a picnic blanket, a hanky, a veil, a flag, and a noose. But still no.

36 A HIDDEN TATTOO The element of surprise is essential.
Surprise! I have Bart Simpson on my arse! Um, no.

37 RUBY SLIPPERS Just the one pair?
Just the no pairs.

38 A GREY HOODIE Otherwise you’ll look like you were never a teenager.
Yes! Are you noticing I have all the most stylish things on this list?

39 A FAMILY HEIRLOOM Bracelet, brooch or diamond-set watch — to ignite conversation.
Does my aunt's old piano count?

40 A SHAG-ME BRA To be seen peeking out from your top.
See my bra. Now shag me. Works nevery time (nevery is a world I just made up. It means never.)

41 A PAIR OF GOLD LAME LEGGINGS Because you never know when you might be called upon to go dancing, and it’s hard to keep up with what the kids wear in clubs these days.
This might be my favourite one. Yes, the kids in the club will think you are SO COOL, Sunday Times Style section reader, when you turn up in your gold lame leggings. Here's a thought: jeans. Maybe the Japanese ones you never wash.

42 A TINY DECADENT EVENING BAG It should only have space for a note and a credit card.
I have some small bags, but I don't think anything counts as decadent if it comes from Accessorise.

43 SOMETHING FROM CHANEL Anything at all.
Anything! Anything! Anything! No. I had a Chanel lipstick once.

44 A PAIR OF FAKE SPECTACLES For last-minute librarian chic.
Or my actual non-fake glasses, for last-minute eyesight impairment chic. Unless I am meant to wear contacts and fake glasses on top?

45 A FUR STOLE Fake works fine. Guaranteed to elicit attention when worn flung over shoulders with red lipstick.
I often get attention by flinging lipstick over my shoulder, but...

46 A BROWN LEATHER TOTE These look better the more battered and bruised they get.
Just like men. I jest of course.

47 A BIG, PATTERNED, WOOLLEN SCARF Something hippie-ish you can swathe yourself in come rain or shine. The best are bought on holiday and have bright and pretty colours. Will take a T-shirt and jeans to stylish and original levels.
Apparently Doctor Who is Every British Girl.

48 A TEA DRESS The greatest thing to come out of the 1940s — utterly wearable and endlessly flattering. Vintage numbers are always best.
I own dresses. I own tea.

49 A 100% SILK SLIP Like the one Rachel from Friends wore on her date with Joshua. Every girl needs one for night-time. A pain to wash, but totally worth it.
So now I can feel unfashionable even as I sleep.

50 SPANX Because, sigh, we all have days when we need them.
Sigh. And because I don't need hideous stomach cramps, I'm afraid the world will have to put up with my real, actual belly.

Including all the half points I gave myself: 12! 12 out of 50! I made double figures!

I am SO stylish. And only half British anyway.