Marie Phillips' Lonely Hearts Club Band

I have long been an avid reader of Lonely Hearts advertisments - I even answered one once. (He was looking for an Amelie type, I left him a message, he didn't call. Perhaps should have scattered torn up photographs of me dressed as Zorro instead?) Anyway, the great thing is, with the advent of internet dating, most of the sane people have long since gone online, leaving a higher concentration of the eccentric and strange to the old-skool print version where there is no need to post a photo and you can hide behind descriptions like "late 30s" (40s), "stocky" (fat) etc.

Things may have changed online, but back in print, wishful thinking as ever plays a large part in the Lonely Hearts world:

Corny fairytale! Grumpy, warty toad, 50, urgently needs princess, 30-45, to kiss and discover Prince Charming!

Because that's what all 30-year-old women want. All 45-year-old women too, come to think of it.

My favourites, though, are people who are very specific about themselves or their needs:

Owner of a lonely heart, male, n/s, peaceful and loving, late 40s, very friendly, loves classic rock of the late 60s / early 70s, seeks bohemian / hippy chick of similar persuasion. (To be fair, in this ad I think late 60s and early 70s really does mean that and not, say, early 80s but wearing foundation.)

Or indeed:

Compliant white male escapologist, 48, medium build, seeks slim sexy white F for fun and friendship.

Could "escapologist" be slang for "commitment-phobe"?

And what about:

Post gay guy, 40s, fed up with shallow gay relationships, seeks woman, with artistic and musical background, for good times and artistic endeavours over the summer.

Hmm. This is my new boyfriend. He is post gay.

It's not only men who do precision:

German / Swiss professional, male, 35-42, wanted by Southern European female, 32, for skiing, trekking, and driving in the Alps. Also for art and cinema.

In fact some of the women sound downright scary:

Busty blonde, 48, looking for soulmate to enjoy life and make a commitment. I need to find you, I know you're out there.

Do you think she recently split up with compliant white male escapologist, 48? If not, perhaps we should introduce them.

Of course, the most promising potential couple has to be:

Author, tall, slim, confident, eloquent, seeks charmer, glamorous, dangerous, clever and fun

who has to be just right for

Doctor, good looks, sincere, romantic, genuine, gsoh, affluent, wltm attractive lady

don't you reckon?

(All these are from this week's Time Out. And if you like this kind of thing, I cannot recommend highly enough the completely hilarious collection of LRB personals They Call Me Naughty Lola, first chapter to be found here.