Music Monday EXTRA! On a Friday

I hate washing up. Which is why I have a dishwasher. But for reasons that are not exactly too lengthy to explain, but would lure me into an orgy of cursing my plumber and my electrician that I fear I would never emerge from, I can't use my dishwasher at the moment, so I have been reduced to washing all my dishes by hand. The only way to survive - aside from stacking the dirty dishes very neatly so that they don't look as threatening - is to listen to the radio while washing up. And so, this morning, cleaning up after dinner for four last night, I discovered - thanks to Huey on 6 music - the absolutely perfect music for washing up to. You can boogie as you scrub, it's full of resentment, and it even has housework-related lyrics. It's A Town Called Malice (do do do do do do!):

Music Monday on a Thursday (so sue me)

If anybody out there is thinking of marrying me, and who knows what the future might hold, you'd better be rich and like the Baseballs.

As I have never met anyone else who had heard of the Baseballs*, I will have to assume that opinion is divided. On the one hand, they are a German rockabilly band who do cover versions of chart hits. On the other hand, they are a German rockabilly band who do cover versions of chart hits. I saw them live last night at the Islington Academy which was packed to the rafters with shrieking girls in 1950s dresses, bright red lippy and high ponytails. Up on stage there were a lot of leather jackets and quiffs, curling lips and swinging hips, and lame German humour about trying to order a Big Mac when you have a funny accent. The whole thing could have been a cringe-inducing disaster IF the boys weren't charmingly modest (genuine delight that the crowd did scream when requested to do so), IF the band weren't white hot (some of the best drumming and double bass playing I've seen in years) and IF the orchestrations weren't so utterly convincing. Basically, the Baseballs are the best wedding band that you can't afford to book for your wedding, hence my future fiance now needing to be a little more full of pocket than before.

To help you imagine my wedding, here's The Baseballs performing Crazy in Love for a brilliantly enthusiastic stripy-shirted, wacky-be-glassed DJ of the foreign persuasion. Song kicks in about 1 minute in:



*Apparently the Baseballs have appeared on Magic Numbers on ITV1, but I have also never met anyone who has ever watched Magic Numbers on ITV1.

Strictlywatch 2010: secondary sort-of launch show (part two)

On reflection, not voting in this first week is starting to look smart: after next week we'll have seen everyone dance both ballroom and Latin and have a better idea of who's got the dancing chops and who hasn't. Then we will vote for the person we like best / fancy most / want to see humiliate themselves again, as usual.

Enough kvetching and on with the show!

For night two Tess has changed from her black lace-trimmed minidress with built-in sleeve-cape into an asymmetrical purple dress threatening to throw out one of her boobs, and a long necklace probably worth thousands which looks like it came out of a cracker. Possibly an improvement.

Launching tonight's installment is Jimi Mistry and Flavia, who will be dancing a cha cha cha to some young person's music I don't recognise. Jimi wringing the sweat out of his t-shirt in training may be one of the most revolting things I've ever seen.

Jimi is very floppy. Very. It is like watching sparkly spaghetti in a salad spinner. But he is dancing it, which is better than when the men walk around like mobile poles for the female pros to gyrate around. He also has excellent dancing faces, and you know how I love a dancing face. He has potential.

(And while you get your breath back, let's welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Len: "There was nothing adequate about that cha cha cha." I think he means that in a nice way. Close-ups while the judges speak reveal more Jimi sweat. Roll that boy in Right Guard and powder. And talc. And sand. The judges are still speaking, I think.

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7

Next, Peter Shilton and Erin Boag, dancing a waltz to Take It To The Limit. I don't know much about Shilton but he seems like a nice chap. I'm not sure a pressed shirt and formal trousers are the best clothes to be practising in, but what do I know.

It's OK. Posture not great, but he definitely has some musicality.

While Alesha patronises Peter, I notice for the first time a sparkly football on the pocket of his jacket. All of the judges are negative, though kind. He's too nice to be nasty to. I like Craig's use of the word "potholeish". Len has just said it lacked musicality. What can I tell you, I'm a pro.

Scores: 4, 6, 6, 5

Next up, Michelle Williams dancing a cha cha cha with Brendan to some more young person's music. Good lord, was that her shrieking? How very un-British.

WTF? Starting on the bridge above the stairs? This series is gimmick-tastic. She is less good than I expected. Uncontrolled. And she has giant hands. Lots of personality though. Almost as much personality as fingers.

Bruno agrees with me. Which makes up for the musicality thing. They all agree with me. Alesha has just said her catchphrase! "For that I commend you." Drink!

Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 - seriously Alesha, 7?

Next, Gavin Hastings and Kat, doing a waltz to You Light Up My Life. Kat is brunette these days. Not sure about that. Gavin is cute. Sure about that. Gavin comes across as sweet but very shy. Forthcoming journey alert!

Gavin is a bit stiff - when he moves Kat's heads with his hands, he looks like he is going to snap it off - but he is so, SO much better than when they did that group dance in the launch show. Journey! Journey! Journey!

As Craig goes astonishingly easy on him, I notice the sparkly rugby symbol (? I assume that's what it is - some kind of feathery symbol - maybe it's a Wales thing) on his jacket pocket. Jacket pockets are clearly going to be big with the Strictly wardrobe designers this season. Len has just said how much harder it is for a celebrity male to dance - drink! Judges all raving. Interesting. I can never bloody tell with the waltz.

Scores: 6, 8, 7, 7 - Len has lost his mind. Drink!

Now, Tina O'Brien and Jared Murillo, who is the new Brian Fortuna, was in High School Musical, and is wearing a bow tie and comedy glasses. I am worried. Aside from the fact that he was born in the USA, 'Born In The USA' could not be less appropriate intro music for Jared. Imagine Bruce Springsteen. Now imagine the opposite. Hello, Jared. They are dancing a cha cha cha to California Girls.

Oh GOD. He is reading a sequined Strictly "physics" book. ENOUGH WITH THE PROPS, STRICTLY PEOPLE. She is wearing a nightdress. This cannot go well. And it doesn't, really. She smiles charmingly and walks around a lot, but she isn't exactly dancing.

Judges are full of meh. Nobody likes the choreography.

Scores: 5, 7, 6, 6 - Len clearly hasn't got his mind back yet.

And now the one everyone's been been waiting for - Ann Widdecombe and Anton. Everyone other than me, anyway. I wonder what it's like knowing you are only on the show to provide comic relief? And that's just Anton. Wikipedia reminds me that Ann Widdecombe opposed abortion, supported Section 28, supported women serving custodial sentences being chained and shackled to hospital beds while giving birth, and converted to Catholicism when the Church of England allowed the ordination of women, so excuse me if I opt out of bestowing her national treasure status just because she's on a dance show. I know, I know, sense of humour FAIL. They are waltzing to something with Cherie in the lyrics, which may be a hilarious nod to the Blairs.

Bruce tells a Miliband brothers joke that is actually funny - "We wanted to have them on, but they insisted on dancing together and couldn't agree on who was going to lead."

She's really not at all good, but she makes her way through the routine without any major mistakes. Samuel Johnson once commented of a dancing dog that it might not always do it wonderfully well but it is a miracle it can do it at all, and that largely seems to fit the audience response to seeing Ann move around the floor. There's a bit of Susan Boyle-itis going on - why are we still surprised that old, overweight women are capable of demonstrating any ability to do anything?

Alesha tells Ann she looks lovely. She does, actually. Very good hair. Bruno has just compared her to a ship. I love Bruno. Craig: "All a bit local authority... I was seriously concerned about Anton's health and safety". Len has just compared her to a Nazi goose-stepper, but nobody appears to have noticed.

Scores: 2, 5, 5, 5 - crikee, even I think a 2 is a bit excessive.

Lastly, Kara Tointon and Artem Chigvintsey (had to copy that off the screen), doing the cha cha cha to young person's music, the only bit of which I recognise is the sample from Lionel Ritchie's All Night Long. It appears I am losing touch. I was all prepared to be jealous of Kara's stunning good looks, but she giggles a lot in training, so that's fine. I am easily won over.

Kara is an underwear model which might explain why she is dancing in a leopard-print swimsuit, slit to the waist, with a small pointed apron between her legs, and a leather choker, cuffs and random leather straps. Or maybe it's to distract from the fact that Artem is in a hooded leather waistcoat with no shirt. Kara is super sexy, and the choreography is somewhat S&M, hence all the leather. She's very good, although she does fall over early on, which isn't ideal. She'll be able to rival Matt Baker, which is good news, though I am, of course, on team Matt.

Bruno: "Cat woman, come and take me." Judges all in raptures.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 7

But that's not all folks! Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow, singing, on stools, on a giant blue disc, in a field of stars! I haven't heard this song before. It isn't very good. Tell you what though, it could be hugely improved by the addition of some group formation ballroom dancing. But no group formation ballroom dancing is forthcoming. Come on! This is the only show where group formation ballroom dancing can be plausibly tacked onto a male menopause duet, and you are missing your chance! We may as well be watching X Factor!

And that's it. Ah well. Roll on next week! There will be group formation ballroom dancing, and we'll get to vote them out!

Keeeeeeeeep oh whatever.

Strictlywatch 2010: secondary sort-of launch show (part one)

Contestants READY! Gladiators READY! You know, I can't believe it took me all these years to realise that my the simple expedient of bringing my laptop downstairs I could live blog Strictly Come Dancing. I have always resisted having my computer and the television in the same room because it's a bit much, like chocolate AND ice cream. What, you mean that's also allowed?

It's another semi-false start for Strictly, as this week we can watch all the contestants dance but we can't vote yet. I'm concerned this may prove to be a bit of a damp squib, but on the other hand I like that next week we'll be able to see who's improved and vote accordingly, and be able to build up a real head of steam about the people we hate. Yes: I am looking forward to some unadulterated, sequin-clad loathing. (Clearly, sequin cladding is not adulteration in this context.) This may say something about me, but let's not dwell on it. Because it's time for.....

Not at all sure about these new-style computerised opening credits. (I am sure. I am sure they are shit.)

The intros are always intriguing. Is the fact that TV and movie actor Jimi Mistry is refered to as just 'movie actor' a sign of a big ego, pushy agent, or desperation for glamour from the producers? Is it patronising to refer to a woman in her 60s (Pamela Stephenson) as "Funny Girl"?

But ooh! Ooh! First up is Felicity Kendal! With Vincent! Dancing a Cha Cha Cha to 'Sunny'. Oh look, people are tweeting about this. Jojo Moyes has just said that facial fillers should be banned... I think she looks OK but I am VERY Felicity-loyal. So it's just as well she's good - a few mistakes but lots of free movement and cheekiness - even when dressed as Tweetie Pie.

(While we get our breath back let's just welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Mixed reviews from Len and Craig. Thumbs up from Bruno. Alesha is unbelievably patronising, Felicity is old enough to be her mum. "Sex Kitten"? "Babe"? WTF?

Scores: 4, 5, 7, 7

Next up, Scott Masden and Natalie Lowe, dancing a waltz to 'I aint never loved a man the way that I love you...' - whatever that song is called. According to Scott Pack: "I have never seen this man before in my life." I'm astonished he is not more familiar with Soap's Sexiest Male TM. Sexy, maybe. Irritating, certainly, according to this training footage.

Irritating and good. Damn. Too stiff around the shoulders but that's it. Natalie is a brilliant choreographer though, I remember that from last year.

Lots of sexiness talk from the judges. It was sexy. Damn. Damn. I hate the irritating + sexy combination. It confuses a girl.

Scores: 6, 7, 8, 8 - bit early to be breaking out the 8s, people.

Next: Goldie and Kristina. This could be a dangerously likeable combo. Ooh, a little pic of him and Pierce Brosnan! Always a pleasure. Loving Goldie the mummy and Goldie with tits in the into footage.

Kristina is dancing the cha cha cha in a sequined leather sports bra and miniature striped grass skirt. It almost detracts from the fact that Goldie is pretty average: cheerfully grinny but stiff and lots of mistakes. Third year with a lemon: maybe Kristina isn't a very good teacher.

Criticism from the judges: they are not wrong, particularly Craig, who appears to have been told by the producers to be even meaner than usual. Looshine on Twitter speculates that Goldie is the new Tuffers: she may well be right, except I fancy Tuffers, and Goldie looks like he washes. (Should be mutually exclusive, sadly not.)

Scores: 3, 6, 6, 5. Len has scored this higher than Felicity's. Len: you are mistaken.

And now, Patsy Kensit and Robin Windsor, waltzing. New dancer. Patsy talking about her lack of confidence and hinting at flirtation already. She knows where the votes come from.

It's not bad but it's not great either. Patsy looks terrified.

Craig has pointed out Patsy's bottom sticking out. This is my favourite of Craig's repertoire of criticisms. Alesha has told Patsy she looks beautiful, which she tells everyone older than her. "You look beautiful"... for your age.

Scores: 4, 6, 6, 6, The scores of the beast. Really don't know what Len has against Felicity.

Next: Matt Baker and Aliona, cha cha cha to Aint No Mountain High Enough. We all hated Aliona last year, when she was on with Rav. I wonder if she'll turn it around this series? Oooooh I like his accent. And his grin. And the fact that he just said picking up a sheep was like a ballroom hold. Strictly crush alert! Oh he has just compared Aliona to a farm animal. Love him.

Wellies. Binoculars. WTF? Is this panto? OK, those acrobatics are just showing off. Len will hate that. And Aliona is in a bikini with a tiny tartan apron. Oh my god. The hip movement is making me blush. If only Arlene were still here. Oh my god. He is seriously good. And hot. Audience has gone mad.

Judges love it. Bruce keeps making lovely hose jokes. Please stop.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8. 7 unbelievably high from Craig at this stage. Mrs Trefusis has just said that Matt Baker looks like a lost Miliband brother. Not wrong. I quite fancy Miliband D.

Next up, Pamela Stephenson and James, dancing the waltz to Alesha Keys. Billy Connolly is in the training room! Playing the ace too soon methinks.

Despite being dressed as a turquoise Disney princess, Pamela is very graceful and has great timing and is really dancing beautifully. Could this year be stolen by the older woman? (And Matt Baker)?

Judges raving.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 - neck a neck with Baker!

Oh god. Paul Daniels and Ola Jordan next. Cha cha cha. I do NOT like magic. Not a lot. Not at all.

Oh god. It's a magic theme. He just made her appear in a box. They are dancing to Could It Be Magic. I DO NOT LIKE MAGIC. He is singing along. I do not like repetition of 'come' in context of Paul Daniels. Also, he is a lousy dancer.

Bruno: 'Could It Be Tragic.' Craig: 'Best part was the empty box'. Sorry, was that a 'tasting sausages' joke from Paul? Homophobic abuse, nice. (If I heard right. Maybe I didn't. Can't quite believe it.) He should make himself disappear. Len bafflingly positive.

2, 5, 5, 4.

Peter Bradshaw has just confirmed it was an oral sex joke referencing sausages. DANIELS OUT.

And there we have it! In conclusion: Matt Baker can file my country any time.

Keeeeeeeep dancing!

On loo books

Officially, I disapprove of loo books (books published with the primary intention of providing entertainment for those in the process of defecation). When I am in bookshops I disdain their table and their shiny-covered hardbacks as purveyors of overpriced filler, as I sweep past on the way to the Proper Books Shelves. I sigh at their predictable proliferation around Christmas-time, wishing people would buy Real Books (ie my book) for their loved ones instead.

Unofficially, I have a stack of them in my loo. Don't you? And I have to say my selection is strikingly good, so I thought I'd share them with you (not literally, I'd rather you didn't all come round to use the loo).

In no particular order:

Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives, by David Eagleman
Exactly as the subtitle tells you, this comprises forty very short stories about what might just happen to you after you die. So, for example, story one: "In the afterlife you relive all your experiences, but this time with the events reshuffled into a new group order: all the moments that share a quality are grouped together. You spend two months driving the street in front of your house, seven months having sex." And so on. It is a work or genius, irritating genius, given that the author is also a neuroscientist. You should not be able to be this good at two things. (Maybe he is a shit neuroscientist.) Loo rating compromised by the stories being a bit too long. This is really one for extended trips, when nobody is waiting outside for their turn.

100 Facts about Pandas, by David O'Doherty, Claudia O'Doherty & Mike Ahern
Panda facts include: "36: Since Louis XIV proclaimed panda meat to be 'juicier than lobster and tastier than peacock', it has become tradition for the departing French heads of state to be served panda as their final meal. President Jacques Chirac enraged animal protection groups when he held four rehearsal diners before his one official panda meal. Chirac dismissed the protests, saying his roux chef 'needed to get the sauce right'." Loo rating high: only a few seconds per entry, and pretty pictures too.

Dr. Johnson's Dictionary of Modern Life: Survey, Definition and Justify'd Lampoonery of Divers Contemporary Phenomena, from "Top Gear" Unto Twitter
By Book Swap alumnus Tom Morton! The title of the book is longer than most of the entries, which savvy tweeters will already be familiar with (follow @drsamueljohnson) but for the uninitiated: "ABBA: n. four Quaterns of Vikings most obvious in Rhyming Couplets; yet most mysterious as to who is the FIT ONE". Loo rating: bonus points for including longer themed disquisitions on topics including C is for Celebrity or E is for England, so that loo visitors may adapt length according to need.

Mistakes in the Background, by Laura Dockrill
Picked this one up at Book Swap. I always like to have some poetry in the loo; makes me feel sophisticated, and also means that I might read some poetry maybe. I don't really read poetry. I haven't read any of this. Sorry Laura. But I love the cover, and it has free stickers. Loo rating: unknown.

Would You Rather...: Over 200 Absolutely Absurd Dilemmas to Ponder, by Juston Heimberg & David Gomberg
Given to me by my sister in honour of our childhood game where she'd invent horrible 'would you rather' dilemmas for me. These are excellent, although rely slightly too heavily on American cultural references for the average British punter. Loo rating: quick to read, but you may be stuck in the bathroom for hours trying to decide on: "Would you rather: have a variety of dyslexia where anything you try to read becomes a page from 'Yes, I Can', the story of Sammy David Jr OR have a bizarre sleep disorder where you always wake up on a train to New Orleans?"

Venn That Tune: Bringing the Poetry of Maths to the Magic of Pop! by Andrew Viner
You're going to need a visual aid for this one:


Loo rating: high, but you might accidentally read the entire book in one sitting, as it were.

They Call Me Naughty Lola: The London Review of Books Personal Ads: A Reader, edited by David Rose
Not only my favourite loo book but one of my favourite books of any variety. A friend of mine once emerged from my bathroom after quite some time and announced: 'You have a loo trap in there.' She meant this book. "You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box no. 3321." (In the footnotes, the book helpfully gives a potted biography of Herve Villechaize, aka Nick Nack from The Man with the Golden Gun, for those unfamiliar with his work.) Loo rating: unbeatable.

The Frozen Thames, by Helen Humphreys
A gorgeous little book I picked up when touring Gods Behaving Badly in Canada, it comprises a series of short stories set on those occasions when the Thames froze over completely. Loo rating low: they're really too long to read on the loo, and I should move this book to somewhere it will be better appreciated. Like the bath.

Binky's Guide to Love: A Little Book of Hell by Matt Groening
Time for another visual aid:


Loo rating: excellent. Emerge not only physically relieved, but spiritually cleansed of all romantic bitterness.

And there we have it. An exceptional selection, I'm sure you'll agree. What books do you have in your loo?

Music Monday: Miliband special

So for one selfish reason at least I am glad that Ed Miliband won, because it gives my 'time I met him at a barbecue' anecdote so much more currency. Maybe I should save it until he's Prime Minister, but seeing as that's not exactly guaranteed, I will tell it now. It was around the time that Gordon Brown took over from Blair, but before we all hated Gordon; we were in Hay on Wye; he had a stinking cold.

Him: Hi, I'm Ed.
Me: Hi Ed. So what do you do?

(I paraphrase. We may have discussed the sausages and the quality of literary entertainment on offer first.)

Him: I'm an MP.
Me: Really? That must be very interesting. God, it's hard becoming an MP isn't it? How did you manage to get selected for your seat?
Him: I work very closely with Gordon Brown.

(Hear that sound? It's the sound of a penny not dropping.)

Me: Oh, now is a good time to be on Team Gordon. I like Gordon Brown. He reminds me of my dad.

(Gordon Brown does not remind me of my dad. They both have the same colour hair and that's about it.)

Him: So what do you do?
Me: I'm an author.
Him: I never read fiction.

(I like to think he said this so that he, too, would have contributed something idiotic to the conversation.)

Me: Oh well you should read my book anyway. In fact, what you should do is, when you have constituency surgeries in - where's your constituency?
Him: Doncaster.
Me: Is that in the north? Anyway, when you have constituency surgeries in Doncaster, you should always be reading Gods Behaving Badly when people come in, and be laughing loudly, and then put it cover side up on your desk and wipe your eyes and say "That's such a funny book. What can I do for you?"
Him: Please excuse me. I need to go to the loo now.

I have seen Ed Miliband in Hay on Wye on a number of occasions since, and every single time, I have hidden.

This is the song that I got stuck in my head when the leadership was announced. It is not by the Steve Miller Band but I'm glad to see that joke's still trucking along. No visuals, sadly all the ones where you can see the sequence from Cabaret have had their embedding disabled.

Music Monday

Yes yes yes. I know everyone's been talking about Janelle Monae for months. I have been busy.

Strictlywatch 2010: the dancers are announced!

Hear ye, hear ye. This was going to be a properly put together (and, for that matter, proof-read - be forgiving) Strictly post with pictures and links and stuff, but I'm going to be late for the cinema if I don't leave right now. Please feel free to imagine what I'd say about excitement and sequins and the fact that Brucie is still alive, and insert it here.

Ann Widdecombe - MP and the first Strictly contestant who I have actually met. I interviewed her for a programme on the history of Christianity which I worked on back in my TV days. Her office is lined with two sets of pictures - a bunch of Garfield cartoons along the lines of "I'm not fat, I'm under-tall", and a series of photographs of aborted foetuses. She had written five novels - who knew? I would be neither surprised nor unhappy to see her get knocked out pretty quickly.

Felicity Kendal - Actress. Love her. Will not hear a word against her. Kendall for the win! I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way, which may keep her in for a while, but anyone under the age of 30 might struggle to know who she is, unless they recognise her from Doctor Who.

Gavin Henson - Surely a front runner: plays rugby, is hot. His split from Charlotte Church may enhance his chances as this way she won't come and warble on the results show and put people off, not unless they totally want to fuck with his head that is (it's a possibility).

Goldie - Drum n Bass musician. Was good on Maestro, the underrated celebrity conducting show. Possible dark horse, possible unmoving lump of gold-plated concrete, who can say?

Jimi Mistry - Dr Gay Fun-seeker on Eastenders! And successful Hollywood actor etc. I'm trying to remember his Bollywood moves in not-terribly-good porn satire The Guru. The fact that I've forgotten bodes reasonably well. I'd remember horror, surely.

Kara Tointon - Dawn from Eastenders apparently. Also apparently lots of people still watch Eastenders. According to the BBC site she has already won Strictly once, albeit the Sport Relief version, partnering Mark Ramprakash. As this presumably indicates that she can dance, file her under "the really good one who is knocked out three weeks before the end because girl voters suspect her of being bitch or smug".

Matt Baker - former BBC presenter, this year's Gethyn / Chris: will do well. Even if he wasn't a former gymnastics champion, which he is. He can do backflips, and will do backflips, and Len will hate it. The public won't.

Michelle Williams - not the rather serious Hollywood actress who used to be in Dawson's Creek, but the Destiny's Child singer. Will be knocked out immediately for being too naturally gifted and American.

Pamela Stevenson - Billy Connelly's wife, former comedian, now psychologist. Analyses celebs for TV and normal people (normal people with psychological problems, I mean) for The Guardian. I have no idea what she is doing here. Her relationship to fame could do with close scrutiny. Unless she's got magic dance legs I don't think she'll last long. I note the BBC describes her as a sexologist (??) who believes that dance and sex are intrinsically linked. Partnering Brendan, perhaps? Am properly excited by the thought of Billy Connelly on It Takes Two.

Patsy Kensit - not terribly good actress and singer who is likely to be a not terribly good dancer either.

Paul Daniels - magician, now mostly famous for Mrs Merton's quip to wife Debbie Magee "what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?" I loathe magic and therefore pray for a week one eviction. The world may comply.

Peter Shilton - England goalkeeper. That just suggests stiff to me.

Scott Maslen - Another Eastenders alumnus. Quite hot, it seems. Just saying.

Tina O'Brien - off Corrie! Probably obliged under BBC charter to have one after all those Eastenders stars. I get the feeling she's whatever the northern equivalent is of a loveable cockney sparrer and therefore will be forgiven for being able to dance. Even I like her, and I have never seen her say or do anything.

THUS my frontrunners, having never seen them dance: Gavin Henson, Matt Baker, Tina O'Brien.

Your thoughts?

Music Monday

A short Music Monday today. I've been finding myself singing this song a lot lately for obvious reasons, and it reminded me how fantastic the whole of the Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid soundtrack is (also check out the brilliant 'South American Getaway'), and thence how fantastic the whole of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is, one of my favourite films for a long time and probably only not now because it's so long since I've watched it, and so how I absolutely must watch it again. But in the meantime, here's the classic bicycle scene with Paul Newman and Katharine Ross looking impossibly young and beautiful:



Oh screw it, here's 'South American Getaway' as well:

Events, Dear Girl, Events

Harold Macmillan: would be attending if he hadn't died in 1986.

It is ALL GO in the heady world of events performed at by me. You'd almost think I had a new book out! But I don't.

But let's not allow that to interfere with our excitement!

On MONDAY SEPTEMBER 13TH I will be appearing at the soon-to-be-renamed TO HELL WITH THE LIGHTHOUSE night, featuring a special launch of the new FAT QUARTER magazine (hmm, really not sure where I'm going with all these caps - but hey, I've started so I'll finish) and you can find all the details HERE. Other readers are ANJALI JOSEPH and JEAN HANNAH EDELSTEIN and the thing that I should have saved the caps for is that IN A FIT OF INSANITY I HAVE AGREED TO READ FROM MY NEW NOVEL, YOU KNOW, THE ONE I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET OR EVEN GIVEN A NAME TO. It's a pretty major exclusive seeing as the only people to have seen a word of this are my agent, my UK and Canadian publishers, and one friend, and if you all hate it, well, I could have a total meltdown as I watch two years' work goes down the tubes. So no pressure there, then. All this will be taking place at PETER PARKER'S ROCK'N'ROLL CLUB, Denmark Street WC2H 8LP at 7.30pm. Do I know anything about Peter Parker's Rock'n'Roll Club? No. Does it sound cool? HELL TO THE YEAH.

THEN, on THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 16TH is the FIRESTATION BOOKSWAP at the Windsor Firestation, details HERE. Apparently there is some dispute as to whether "bookswap" is all one word. IT IS. Even if I am the only person who says so. As ever I will be co-hosting with SCOTT PACK but FAR MORE EXCITINGLY THAN THAT our guests this month are TIM COATES, who used to head up Waterstones and is now a(n) historian, and who I invited to take part because I did an event with him a few months ago and he was so incredibly interesting that I was SLACK-JAWED WITH AMAZEMENT - how often am I slack-jawed for any reason? Why, NEVER. And TOM MORTON aka @DRSAMUELJOHNSON on Twitter. Non-Twitterers, you can still read Tom Morton aka Dr J's twitterings by going to www.twitter.com/drsamueljohnson and I'm fairly sure that you will find him so funny that you will either JOIN TWITTER and go around saying to people YOU KNOW, I NEVER USED TO UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF TWITTER, BUT NOW I DO, or BUY HIS BOOK or - radical suggestion - COME TO THE BOOKSWAP. Or ALL THREE.

Is that enough? IT'S NOT ENOUGH. On Monday September 27th we are doing ANOTHER BOOKSWAP. I don't know where. It's just in my diary. But I think it's at the Independent Bookseller's conference in Warwick, which you may not attend, UNLESS YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT BOOKSELLER.

AND THEN on Thursday September 30th I am doing a STORYTELLING EVENT in which I will be TELLING A STORY and also providing the words for some FICTIONAL LETTERS to be read by people OTHER THAN ME. This event is called TALL TALES and takes place at the GOOD SHIP in KILBURN and I am NOT REMOTELY SURE HOW YOU CAN ARRANGE TO COME TO THIS, it is arranged by ROBERT HUDSON, go and bother him about it, why don't you.

On October 1st, I will be staying in and watching television.

THAT IS ALL.