Strictlywatch 2010: secondary sort-of launch show (part two)

On reflection, not voting in this first week is starting to look smart: after next week we'll have seen everyone dance both ballroom and Latin and have a better idea of who's got the dancing chops and who hasn't. Then we will vote for the person we like best / fancy most / want to see humiliate themselves again, as usual.

Enough kvetching and on with the show!

For night two Tess has changed from her black lace-trimmed minidress with built-in sleeve-cape into an asymmetrical purple dress threatening to throw out one of her boobs, and a long necklace probably worth thousands which looks like it came out of a cracker. Possibly an improvement.

Launching tonight's installment is Jimi Mistry and Flavia, who will be dancing a cha cha cha to some young person's music I don't recognise. Jimi wringing the sweat out of his t-shirt in training may be one of the most revolting things I've ever seen.

Jimi is very floppy. Very. It is like watching sparkly spaghetti in a salad spinner. But he is dancing it, which is better than when the men walk around like mobile poles for the female pros to gyrate around. He also has excellent dancing faces, and you know how I love a dancing face. He has potential.

(And while you get your breath back, let's welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)

Len: "There was nothing adequate about that cha cha cha." I think he means that in a nice way. Close-ups while the judges speak reveal more Jimi sweat. Roll that boy in Right Guard and powder. And talc. And sand. The judges are still speaking, I think.

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7

Next, Peter Shilton and Erin Boag, dancing a waltz to Take It To The Limit. I don't know much about Shilton but he seems like a nice chap. I'm not sure a pressed shirt and formal trousers are the best clothes to be practising in, but what do I know.

It's OK. Posture not great, but he definitely has some musicality.

While Alesha patronises Peter, I notice for the first time a sparkly football on the pocket of his jacket. All of the judges are negative, though kind. He's too nice to be nasty to. I like Craig's use of the word "potholeish". Len has just said it lacked musicality. What can I tell you, I'm a pro.

Scores: 4, 6, 6, 5

Next up, Michelle Williams dancing a cha cha cha with Brendan to some more young person's music. Good lord, was that her shrieking? How very un-British.

WTF? Starting on the bridge above the stairs? This series is gimmick-tastic. She is less good than I expected. Uncontrolled. And she has giant hands. Lots of personality though. Almost as much personality as fingers.

Bruno agrees with me. Which makes up for the musicality thing. They all agree with me. Alesha has just said her catchphrase! "For that I commend you." Drink!

Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 - seriously Alesha, 7?

Next, Gavin Hastings and Kat, doing a waltz to You Light Up My Life. Kat is brunette these days. Not sure about that. Gavin is cute. Sure about that. Gavin comes across as sweet but very shy. Forthcoming journey alert!

Gavin is a bit stiff - when he moves Kat's heads with his hands, he looks like he is going to snap it off - but he is so, SO much better than when they did that group dance in the launch show. Journey! Journey! Journey!

As Craig goes astonishingly easy on him, I notice the sparkly rugby symbol (? I assume that's what it is - some kind of feathery symbol - maybe it's a Wales thing) on his jacket pocket. Jacket pockets are clearly going to be big with the Strictly wardrobe designers this season. Len has just said how much harder it is for a celebrity male to dance - drink! Judges all raving. Interesting. I can never bloody tell with the waltz.

Scores: 6, 8, 7, 7 - Len has lost his mind. Drink!

Now, Tina O'Brien and Jared Murillo, who is the new Brian Fortuna, was in High School Musical, and is wearing a bow tie and comedy glasses. I am worried. Aside from the fact that he was born in the USA, 'Born In The USA' could not be less appropriate intro music for Jared. Imagine Bruce Springsteen. Now imagine the opposite. Hello, Jared. They are dancing a cha cha cha to California Girls.

Oh GOD. He is reading a sequined Strictly "physics" book. ENOUGH WITH THE PROPS, STRICTLY PEOPLE. She is wearing a nightdress. This cannot go well. And it doesn't, really. She smiles charmingly and walks around a lot, but she isn't exactly dancing.

Judges are full of meh. Nobody likes the choreography.

Scores: 5, 7, 6, 6 - Len clearly hasn't got his mind back yet.

And now the one everyone's been been waiting for - Ann Widdecombe and Anton. Everyone other than me, anyway. I wonder what it's like knowing you are only on the show to provide comic relief? And that's just Anton. Wikipedia reminds me that Ann Widdecombe opposed abortion, supported Section 28, supported women serving custodial sentences being chained and shackled to hospital beds while giving birth, and converted to Catholicism when the Church of England allowed the ordination of women, so excuse me if I opt out of bestowing her national treasure status just because she's on a dance show. I know, I know, sense of humour FAIL. They are waltzing to something with Cherie in the lyrics, which may be a hilarious nod to the Blairs.

Bruce tells a Miliband brothers joke that is actually funny - "We wanted to have them on, but they insisted on dancing together and couldn't agree on who was going to lead."

She's really not at all good, but she makes her way through the routine without any major mistakes. Samuel Johnson once commented of a dancing dog that it might not always do it wonderfully well but it is a miracle it can do it at all, and that largely seems to fit the audience response to seeing Ann move around the floor. There's a bit of Susan Boyle-itis going on - why are we still surprised that old, overweight women are capable of demonstrating any ability to do anything?

Alesha tells Ann she looks lovely. She does, actually. Very good hair. Bruno has just compared her to a ship. I love Bruno. Craig: "All a bit local authority... I was seriously concerned about Anton's health and safety". Len has just compared her to a Nazi goose-stepper, but nobody appears to have noticed.

Scores: 2, 5, 5, 5 - crikee, even I think a 2 is a bit excessive.

Lastly, Kara Tointon and Artem Chigvintsey (had to copy that off the screen), doing the cha cha cha to young person's music, the only bit of which I recognise is the sample from Lionel Ritchie's All Night Long. It appears I am losing touch. I was all prepared to be jealous of Kara's stunning good looks, but she giggles a lot in training, so that's fine. I am easily won over.

Kara is an underwear model which might explain why she is dancing in a leopard-print swimsuit, slit to the waist, with a small pointed apron between her legs, and a leather choker, cuffs and random leather straps. Or maybe it's to distract from the fact that Artem is in a hooded leather waistcoat with no shirt. Kara is super sexy, and the choreography is somewhat S&M, hence all the leather. She's very good, although she does fall over early on, which isn't ideal. She'll be able to rival Matt Baker, which is good news, though I am, of course, on team Matt.

Bruno: "Cat woman, come and take me." Judges all in raptures.

Scores: 7, 8, 8, 7

But that's not all folks! Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow, singing, on stools, on a giant blue disc, in a field of stars! I haven't heard this song before. It isn't very good. Tell you what though, it could be hugely improved by the addition of some group formation ballroom dancing. But no group formation ballroom dancing is forthcoming. Come on! This is the only show where group formation ballroom dancing can be plausibly tacked onto a male menopause duet, and you are missing your chance! We may as well be watching X Factor!

And that's it. Ah well. Roll on next week! There will be group formation ballroom dancing, and we'll get to vote them out!

Keeeeeeeeep oh whatever.