Contestants READY! Gladiators READY! You know, I can't believe it took me all these years to realise that my the simple expedient of bringing my laptop downstairs I could live blog Strictly Come Dancing. I have always resisted having my computer and the television in the same room because it's a bit much, like chocolate AND ice cream. What, you mean that's also allowed?
It's another semi-false start for Strictly, as this week we can watch all the contestants dance but we can't vote yet. I'm concerned this may prove to be a bit of a damp squib, but on the other hand I like that next week we'll be able to see who's improved and vote accordingly, and be able to build up a real head of steam about the people we hate. Yes: I am looking forward to some unadulterated, sequin-clad loathing. (Clearly, sequin cladding is not adulteration in this context.) This may say something about me, but let's not dwell on it. Because it's time for.....
Not at all sure about these new-style computerised opening credits. (I am sure. I am sure they are shit.)
The intros are always intriguing. Is the fact that TV and movie actor Jimi Mistry is refered to as just 'movie actor' a sign of a big ego, pushy agent, or desperation for glamour from the producers? Is it patronising to refer to a woman in her 60s (Pamela Stephenson) as "Funny Girl"?
But ooh! Ooh! First up is Felicity Kendal! With Vincent! Dancing a Cha Cha Cha to 'Sunny'. Oh look, people are tweeting about this. Jojo Moyes has just said that facial fillers should be banned... I think she looks OK but I am VERY Felicity-loyal. So it's just as well she's good - a few mistakes but lots of free movement and cheekiness - even when dressed as Tweetie Pie.
(While we get our breath back let's just welcome our singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra.)
Mixed reviews from Len and Craig. Thumbs up from Bruno. Alesha is unbelievably patronising, Felicity is old enough to be her mum. "Sex Kitten"? "Babe"? WTF?
Scores: 4, 5, 7, 7
Next up, Scott Masden and Natalie Lowe, dancing a waltz to 'I aint never loved a man the way that I love you...' - whatever that song is called. According to Scott Pack: "I have never seen this man before in my life." I'm astonished he is not more familiar with Soap's Sexiest Male TM. Sexy, maybe. Irritating, certainly, according to this training footage.
Irritating and good. Damn. Too stiff around the shoulders but that's it. Natalie is a brilliant choreographer though, I remember that from last year.
Lots of sexiness talk from the judges. It was sexy. Damn. Damn. I hate the irritating + sexy combination. It confuses a girl.
Scores: 6, 7, 8, 8 - bit early to be breaking out the 8s, people.
Next: Goldie and Kristina. This could be a dangerously likeable combo. Ooh, a little pic of him and Pierce Brosnan! Always a pleasure. Loving Goldie the mummy and Goldie with tits in the into footage.
Kristina is dancing the cha cha cha in a sequined leather sports bra and miniature striped grass skirt. It almost detracts from the fact that Goldie is pretty average: cheerfully grinny but stiff and lots of mistakes. Third year with a lemon: maybe Kristina isn't a very good teacher.
Criticism from the judges: they are not wrong, particularly Craig, who appears to have been told by the producers to be even meaner than usual. Looshine on Twitter speculates that Goldie is the new Tuffers: she may well be right, except I fancy Tuffers, and Goldie looks like he washes. (Should be mutually exclusive, sadly not.)
Scores: 3, 6, 6, 5. Len has scored this higher than Felicity's. Len: you are mistaken.
And now, Patsy Kensit and Robin Windsor, waltzing. New dancer. Patsy talking about her lack of confidence and hinting at flirtation already. She knows where the votes come from.
It's not bad but it's not great either. Patsy looks terrified.
Craig has pointed out Patsy's bottom sticking out. This is my favourite of Craig's repertoire of criticisms. Alesha has told Patsy she looks beautiful, which she tells everyone older than her. "You look beautiful"... for your age.
Scores: 4, 6, 6, 6, The scores of the beast. Really don't know what Len has against Felicity.
Next: Matt Baker and Aliona, cha cha cha to Aint No Mountain High Enough. We all hated Aliona last year, when she was on with Rav. I wonder if she'll turn it around this series? Oooooh I like his accent. And his grin. And the fact that he just said picking up a sheep was like a ballroom hold. Strictly crush alert! Oh he has just compared Aliona to a farm animal. Love him.
Wellies. Binoculars. WTF? Is this panto? OK, those acrobatics are just showing off. Len will hate that. And Aliona is in a bikini with a tiny tartan apron. Oh my god. The hip movement is making me blush. If only Arlene were still here. Oh my god. He is seriously good. And hot. Audience has gone mad.
Judges love it. Bruce keeps making lovely hose jokes. Please stop.
Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8. 7 unbelievably high from Craig at this stage. Mrs Trefusis has just said that Matt Baker looks like a lost Miliband brother. Not wrong. I quite fancy Miliband D.
Next up, Pamela Stephenson and James, dancing the waltz to Alesha Keys. Billy Connolly is in the training room! Playing the ace too soon methinks.
Despite being dressed as a turquoise Disney princess, Pamela is very graceful and has great timing and is really dancing beautifully. Could this year be stolen by the older woman? (And Matt Baker)?
Judges raving.
Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 - neck a neck with Baker!
Oh god. Paul Daniels and Ola Jordan next. Cha cha cha. I do NOT like magic. Not a lot. Not at all.
Oh god. It's a magic theme. He just made her appear in a box. They are dancing to Could It Be Magic. I DO NOT LIKE MAGIC. He is singing along. I do not like repetition of 'come' in context of Paul Daniels. Also, he is a lousy dancer.
Bruno: 'Could It Be Tragic.' Craig: 'Best part was the empty box'. Sorry, was that a 'tasting sausages' joke from Paul? Homophobic abuse, nice. (If I heard right. Maybe I didn't. Can't quite believe it.) He should make himself disappear. Len bafflingly positive.
2, 5, 5, 4.
Peter Bradshaw has just confirmed it was an oral sex joke referencing sausages. DANIELS OUT.
And there we have it! In conclusion: Matt Baker can file my country any time.
Keeeeeeeep dancing!
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6 comments:
Great review! Before the show I was bemoaning the fact that nobody had really caught my eye and I didn't have any favourites, and then Matt and Aliona came on and I was practically jumping up and down in my seat and clapping like a 7 year old, I was so excited! He really surprised me.
Also, re your comment about David Miliband - me too ;-)
Thanks, Marie - great review. I watched the opening show on i-player and, yes, Matt is lovely. The modesty seems genuine, he's got a sense of humour, oodles of likeability AND he can dance. Early favourite of mine and, judging by friends' reactions, half the country (on the distaff side). Very impressed by Pamela, too, and Felicity will get better.
Sorry, but it's nonsense about Paul Daniels being homophobic. He may be, for all I know, but the lame sausage joke was intended to make fun of CRH's day job promoting the British Sausage Marketing Board (or some such institution).
Re Paul Daniels, I'm glad, because I was really appalled. Apologies to him. I had no idea that Craig marketed sausages, apparently he doesn't market them very effectively! Paul's still my least favourite though.
Matt Baker was fab. Have loved him since his BP days when he used to remind me of John Noakes.
Missed the lovely Felicity in action, but can't understand how she got such a crap mark.
Pamela Stephenson was awesome, loved her.
Paul Daniels is really irritating, but somehow he did make his non dancing entertaining. I enjoyed it despite myself....
Was it really that reference Daniels was making? Because I couldn't believe it and thought I must not be understanding what he was talking about, but oh right homophobia not immeditaely apologised for on the BBC - noted. If he'd sworn Bruce and Tess would ahve had to apologise right there and then. Daniels to GO.
Oh wait no I've seen the comments now - still what an odd way to insult Craig when Daniels did that terrible ad with Debbie on a flower covered swing (what was that for again?).
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