I finished my first draft today. (Subject to minor corrections before I send it to my agent.) I want to be honest here about what finishing was like because I didn't feel how I think I was supposed to feel.
In short: it was horrible. I was panicking so much as I typed the last chapter that I had to keep running out of the room. My hands were shaking so much I could barely get the words "The End" onto the screen before I slammed my laptop shut. I then spent the next hour as a total wreck and was only able finally to calm down by sitting with a pencil and paper and writing things down like "I am capable of trying to imagine that I can believe that it is OK if I write a bad book and it doesn't make me a bad person." (I do see the funny side of this.) 10 out of 10 for reading comprehension if you've realised that the above convoluted piece of therapy-speak means that, right now, I don't believe that it's OK if I write a bad book, and do I think it makes me a bad person.
Weirdly, I keep thinking about Robbie Williams's recent bizarre appearance on X Factor. I think that Robbie Williams and I have a lot in common. He's obviously a huge attention-seeker as well as an artist (of sorts) who is passionate about his work, but equally he's crippled with an overwhelming fear of failure and public humiliation and he's unable to control his anxiety.
Me too, me too, me too. I am the Robbie Williams of books, and I haven't even had people heap scorn upon my "Rudebox" yet.
I don't remember finishing the first draft of Gods Behaving Badly being this bad. I think I was excited and proud of myself just for getting to the end. I had no idea if it was any good or not, I didn't have particularly high expectations for it, there was no reason to imagine it would ever be published or read by more than a handful of people.
This time, I still don't know if it's any good or not, but I have a very high expectation of my book being published, and of it being read by thousands - maybe tens of thousands - and, if GBB is anything to go by, hundreds of thousands of people. There's a series of bigger and bigger hurdles in front of me and I could fall at any one. First my agent. Then the publishers of GBB. Then my friends and family. Then the reviewers. Then the world. It's like a gigantic game of Play Your Cards Right, with Bruce bloody Forsythe hosting, and enjoyment of my book as the stake. Will it be "higher! higher!" or "lower! lower!"? I reckon GBB scored around a Jack. Chances are this one is going to be lower.
I keep telling myself that I can't pin my self-worth onto how well this book is received, and what I should really be proud of is the fact that I was willing to take a risk, the huge risk of writing another book and it not being as good and people not liking it, which is honestly the hugest risk I can think of. But the truth is I haven't just pinned my self-worth onto this book, I have superglued it on, and if I need to learn the lesson, with this book, or with the book after this one, or the one after that, that it's just a book and what matters is the endeavour and there is no shame in failure and no matter what happens I am still a worthwhile human being - well, I think it's fair to say that I'm going to be learning the hard way.
And this was just the first draft. God knows what happens once I try to actually make it good.
Employee gets laid off due to extreme body odor: ‘I genuinely felt bad for
him. He had only just started the job and hadn’t really had the chance to
show what he could contribute. You could tell he felt embarrassed and
ashamed’
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To pass the smell test
I felt really identified with this story because I've had to deal with this
issue multiple times in my life. I don't mean with my bo...
2 hours ago
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15 comments:
Sounds awful - but you've done it now! You might actually feel better once you're into the editing mode - because you can take out the things that make you shudder, but needed to just go in to finish the first draft...
What will probably be just as hard will be your agent peeling what they think is a finished book out of your hands as you try and give it just one more tweak.
I think a lot of people will identify with your projection of being a good /bad person onto your book --- people do it with their family ("if my child does something bad/naughty/evil/rude I must be a bad person") or their work or product ("if my student's don't all get A* I must be a bad teacher" / "if my work doesn't sell I must be a bad artist"). And we also project that the one stands in for the whole regardless of reason: that one example good or bad defines everything about us forever.
It ain't so, but believing that is never easy and relies on perspective. that's where having people around you who care regardless of your achievements are so important. What's the cartoon -- "it's better to have fought and lost than never to have fought at all" (yes, I know its based on 3 Muskateers...)
You have written and had published a very successful book. Well done! And you've just finished writing the first draft of a second book! Well done again! This is far more than many manage.
Just watch that editing process doesn't turn into a Father Ted tinkering with a small hammer and the car to get the little dent out...
I know it won't help for me to say don't worry, but don't worry. You're a very talented writer and even if the worst comes to the worst and the next book's not as good as the first, it doesn't make you one jot less capable of writing good books.
Hey, it's the return of strugglingauthor...
Thanks guys!
prm - yes, I remember when the first book came out and everyone said I'd need to change the name of the blog (the old blog was strugglingauthor, newbies.) How we laughed. Turns out they were wrong...
As Lisa said, I think it's totally normal (if exhausting) to feel what you're describing. We all project our self-worth onto whatever our latest venture is, don't we? It feels like that's all people will ever see of us. But really, what we're doing is always changing. David Tennant must have had bad nights at the theater or taken parts in horrible tv shows/films, right? But he still got to be The Doctor with the Hair.
And you are absolutely right in saying that what matters is the bravery of the effort, taking the risk of pulling something out of your imagination and making it real. Especially since GBB was a success... I mean isn't that what we always hear from first-time success stories - that the pressure for their Next Great Thing is huge? It can't be easy to just shrug that off and get on with things. I really admire you for following an idea long enough to GET a whole first draft out, let alone for getting it published and never mind whether it's good or not (and I really do think it WILL be good)! So many of us have stories we want to tell but we get scared or discouraged and never even make it to the rough draft. Getting the bones of the story out seems like a great big accomplishment from where I'm standing.
And really, thank you for sharing the messy parts of writing... that is truly helpful for those of us who tend to romanticize the life of the published author and forget about how much actual WORK is involved in the work of creating a novel.
Anyway, as the French say (at least around here): Courage mon amie!
Thanks Christine (and all of you). That's one of the reasons why I wrote the post - because I think lots of people find writing hard, not just finding the words, but emotionally hard, and we can get a bit secretive and ashamed about it. I hope that some other people might read this and realise that there's nothing wrong with them if they feel anxious about it too.
Oh Marie! Many many sympathetic vibes coming your way. As you say the expectations for book 2 are huge, and you are probably putting more of them on yourself then anyone else. If possible, I think you should turn it on its head. Despite all the difficulties you've had in completing book 2 and all the false starts along the way, and I'm sure the amount of time promoting GBB has taken up which impacts on your writing (haven't had nearly as much publicity for my stuff but I find doing pr and writing not natural bedfellows), you HAVE FINISHED. Everything has conspired against you, but YOU HAVE FINISHED. You are not a one book wonder. YOU HAVE FINISHED BOOK 2. That is a fantastic achivement, especially with that weight of expectation on you.
I commiserate totally with all the am I good enough feelings, I get them too and it is really really hard to say to yourself it is ok if I fail, when being a perfectionist you want to always achieve as much as you're capable of.
Even if this book isn't as much a success as the next one, keep reminding yourself, YOU FINISHED IT. Book 3 won't be such a hurdle. Remember Zadie Smith lost her bottle after her book 2 which got slated but came good for book 3. It's an up and down business we're in. (though I doubt very much this book will be a failure, and YOU FINISHED.)
Make sure you celebrate properly when you get back, because it is a huge huge achievement.
Apropos not sure what but I loved "The Autograph man" and couldn't get into White Teeth at all. Go figure. There may be a different (better? bigger? smaller?) audience for your second book and that will not reflect badly on you regardless because as JH and other have wisely reminded YOU HAVE FINISHED *TWO* books! Go you!! Hugs xxx
Oh, I know the feeling. Not that my book has been accepted yet. I guess everyone will think, 'Hey, she's been published - she must know she's good.' but maybe not, eh.
It's taken a lot to send my book out, and I'm just starting book two, so I started a blog to stay in touch with other writers. Enjoyed reading you.
Well done.
It will be OK.
That's all.
While reading this post, I initially let out a inner "nooooooo, you should be happy and relieved", but as your post progressed, it made complete and utter sense. Of course, you should be experiencing the anxieties you are, for there is a lot riding on this book. And, maybe it is not so much letting down the masses of potential readers(we're fickle in nature), but those key figures you respect and trust to know if your story is good, who are the root of the anxiety. Once they hold your baby in their arms and claim it to be perfect, surely you will begin to glow with pride.
I went to an interview with Paul Auster once and someone asked him about the writing process and how it felt to finish a book. He said that far from feeling relief or pride that he felt disgusted - about himself and the book - and only time away from the book gave him any sense of happiness or pride about it.
Don't know if that helps!
Sorry about the anonymous, having trouble signing in.
Julie
Comes with the territory if you're a serious author. Some projects just derail and others give you an ulcer because while it works for you, who knows how anyone else will take it. My sympathies, but hopefully your 'newborn' will receive fair treatment.
Sorry about not signing in officially either too just now, but I couldn't remember my google account info to save my life. I just don't do this sort of thing often.
M. Aragon
author and artist of the struggling variety.
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