If...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

So far so good.

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Kipling obviously never had to take the Silverlink on a Sunday.

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

OK, I'll give him that. Hating and lies to be avoided.

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

What exactly is the correct level of good looks and wise talk? I tell you, I never look in the mirror in the morning and think hmm, better rough myself up a bit, I am just too foxy today. And even more rarely do I catch myself in the moment of speech and think oops, must remember to be more stupid in future.

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

That's just depressing

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

And that's insane. Can you imagine meeting the kind of person who treats triumph and disaster just the same? Can you imagine sitting next to them at dinner? Do we think this is Kipling taking his own advice and not talking too wise?

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

I see the point he's making but I am starting to think that Kipling doesn't have a particularly optimistic view of life.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

I wouldn't advise anyone trying this.

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

I am increasingly thinking that Kipling needs a nice cup of tea and a sit down.

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

And not hang out on Comment is Free slagging off Max Gogarty

' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

Well that's the way to make friends, don't like anybody too much, don't care about what they say.

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

and no sleeping

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

It is just as well I have never aspired to being a Man.