This evening, on the bus home, two men came and sat down next to me who were so loud and obnoxious that I was forced not only to crank the volume of my iPod right up to drown them out, but to change music styles as well, because they were penetrating through the delicate sound of Jolie Holland even at the top of the scale. I had to listen to party tunes all the way home instead.
Earlier in the evening I had been in the pub and my friend was telling me that the Catholic Church had published ten new commandments for the modern age. She could only remember one of them: Thou Shalt Not Have Excessive Wealth, which is a bit rich - so to speak - coming from the Vatican. But they do say "excessive". I suppose that as long as you are no wealthier than the Catholic Church you are still OK.
Sitting on the bus this evening I decided that as we have nine slots left, we could easily spare one for: Thou shalt not sit on the top deck of the bus shouting the words VAGINAL VIGIL over and over again. Sure, it's specific, but God would definitely agree that it was *unbelievably* annoying. And that there is absolutely no circumstance in which such behaviour could be considered acceptable.
That leaves eight. Any more suggestions?
In case you're having trouble, a little inspiration. It's not quite Jolie Holland either, but that moment is gone.
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Ooh. I could easily go overboard on this one, so I'll limit myself to six:
Thou shalt not be kind and considerate only to people that thou knowest.
Thou shalt not use the words "validation" and "empowerment" unless thou art not in the middle of a pscyo-social bit of babble.
Thou shalt not refer to thy pets as "furry children".
Thou shalt not complain about the government unless thou hast actually bothered to vote in the last election. (That one is especially for Canucks.)
Thou shalt not use the phrases "Doctor Who" and "gravitas" in the same sentence. (Oops! Just did!)
And finally, my favourite, for which I cannot claim credit:
Thank you for not sinning.
I think we could all benefit from:
Thou shalt not take religion too seriously.
Furry Children? People actually say that?
Congratulations Perspephone, that's gone straight onto my definitive commandments list.
Thou shalt not refer to thy furry children as "pets".
;)
Bro
Thou shalt not use the phrase "yummy mummy", especially not to refer to yourself as that makes it even more objectionable.
Thou shall not allow thy furry pets to persuade you to buy some children.
(or should that be the other way round...)
Thou shalt not walk 2 or more abreast on a pavement if it meaneth that there is no room for others to pass in either direction.
"Furry children" seems to be quite a popular expression in North America. Horrible, isn't it? (Although I agree "yummy mummy" comes a close second.) You hear this from reasonably well-off people who lavish care and attention on animals (usually pure-bred, of course) who lead lives beyond the wildest dreams of many actual children. While I like animals and hate to see them ill-treated, I realize that they will never grow up to be voters. Also, I don't put bowls of food on the floor, then leave my daughters alone in the house. Not for extended periods of time, anyway...
i love that song - only partly cos it's shot in a part of london i know very well and love very much.
i think one of the commandments was something about recycling - thou shalt not put cardboard in the paper recycling skip, or summat.
ooh and how about, 'thou shalt not repeat sketches from little britain, word of word and in an annoying approximation of the original accent'.
(you've got me going now - there'll be a biiiig list by supper time)
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