Strictly Come Madness

I *was* going to post something nice and intellectual about the Hay Festival, or maybe the excellent book I have just finished which has been getting weirdly average reviews (what book is that, you ask? No, you'll have to wait) but a matter of great national urgency has been brought to my attention - I speak of course of the latest Strictly Come Dancing debacle, and the resultant departure of Brian Fortuna.

The full story can be read at the D***y M**l website ici but to summarise: in their great wisdom, the producers of Strictly Come Dancing have decided to remove Brian, Ian, Matthew, Darren and Lilia from the competition and place them in a professional supergroup "dedicated to performing routines on a scale never before seen on Strictly" - or just possibly, dedicated to performing routines on pretty much the scale they have always been performed by the very same people on Strictly, while they were still quite able to carry on coaching celebrities for the weekly show as well.

Darren and Lilia have got used to being stiffed by now; their refusal to take part in the Strictly tours meant that every year of late they were each saddled with lemons who were unlikely ever to get past the opening weeks. Ergo they will probably not notice or care. Brian has made his attitude clear by quitting. Ian and Matthew's feelings are not yet known on the subject but I can't imagine they are delighted. Other people who are not delighted include: me.

Seriously, BBC: you're removing Brian, Ian, Matthew, Darren and Lilia from mentoring? So on the men's side, apart from the newbies, you are leaving us with Brendan, James, Anton and Vincent. Brendan, James, Anton and Vincent. Is it possible that the BBC are making the mistake of thinking that the more headlines you get, the more popular you are? BBC: NO. Anton is mainly famous for being annoying, stupid, and racist, and for losing a lot because he doesn't know how to choreograph Latin routines. James and Brendan are famous for being loudmouths who are hated by EVERYBODY. And Vincent - who to be fair, I actually do like - is mainly known for having been the third wheel in the Vincent - Flavia - Matt love triangle. In other words, for being publicly dumped for a cute foetus from Eastenders. Ironically, if any of the dancers in the whole of Strictly history were to be put on a pro-performance-only footing, I'd vote for Vincent and Flavia, whose showdances are regularly the most entertaining thing on the show.

I think the Strictly producers have seen the ratings dropping against X Factor, felt a desperate need to shake things up, and to make things younger and shinier and ITVier, and in their panic have forgotten one of the key things about the show: lots of us watch it year after year because we like the pro dancers so much. You know, the pro dancers that we LIKE. Otherwise known as Brian, Ian, Matthew, Darren and Lilia. Maybe we'll like the new ones, maybe we won't, but it takes a couple of seasons to warm up to them, so in 'refreshing' the show you are actually dumping many people's reasons for watching it. Let's face it, most of the celebs that they can persuade to rock up for that many months are by definition past in, because otherwise they wouldn't have the time to train. So they won't be the ones getting us to switch on. So for many of us, the pro dancers ARE the stars of the programme.

What thinking went into the decision I can't say. Maybe the producers want drama and drama equals people crying and people cry most when paired with obnoxious dancers like Brendan, James and Anton. Maybe they want sex appeal so they got rid of the gay ones (because gay people don't watch Strictly) and replaced them with straighter guys. I don't know. But from here it looks like madness.

Why does nobody ask me to the meetings where these decisions are made? Surely it can't be because I "don't work for the BBC" and "have no idea what I'm talking about". But for the little it's worth, if I were in charge of Strictly, the main thing I would do would be to make it a hell of a lot shorter. Fewer couples, fewer weeks, shorter episodes, so that you don't lose the will to live mid-season - and I speak as a fan. I would also put it on at a different time, maybe even on a different day. And I would get rid of Bruce and Tess, but that's just personal taste. (Seriously though, a whole 'nother year of listening to Bruce's terrible jokes?) I may not be a BBC exec but I do know that the best way of not losing all your viewers to X Factor is not putting Strictly Come Dancing on at exactly the same time as X Factor, thus neatly dividing the "we want to watch talent-based family entertainment shows" audience into half. But if you do that, you might not win the battle for Saturday night, and that's the kind of thing that matters a lot to execs and not at all to audiences.