Strictlywatch 2009: Week 1 Part 1

Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah bah!

[That's the theme tune, obviously.]

It's back! Backer than the beast with two backs! Tess is wearing a belt, Bruce looks like a piece of belt leather. The amazing singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra are all in place. Bring on (as Tess would say) our copples!

And our judges, because this is the first week with Alesha Dixon in place instead of Arlene Phillips. Alesha is minute with gigantic hair and has been placed next to Bruno, with Len moving over to Arlene's old seat beside Craig. My brother suggests that this is so that Alesha is not seen to be replacing Arlene, but I think it's so that Alesha and Bruno can flirt. Because aside from flirting with Bruno, Alesha contributes absolutely nothing to the show. Zero. Zilch.

This is as expected. And it's not Alesha's fault, really. They must have offered her a lot of money to do the job, and she's only had one hit single since she won two years ago, so she'll know her music career is on the skids. Presenting will look like an attractive alternative. But she has no expertise in ballroom dancing so she has nothing to say. She started off slightly critical, marking low and telling Rav his tango was "stompy" (a technical term) and then either lost her nerve or was told off by the producers, because after two dances she reverts to telling everyone that they looked nervous but beautiful / hot, but did a good job, and giving them a six or seven. Meanwhile the other judges are giving actual interesting and useful information about whether or not the hold was right or the dancer has successfully performed their ball-turns. The problem is that Alesha is trying to be a proper judge who gives marks but she doesn't know what to mark on, and is completely at sea. They want her to be the Cheryl Cole equivalent but the trouble is, Cheryl is a professional singer whatever you think of her band, whereas Alesha is neither dancer or choreographer. She can perhaps critique the celebrities, just about, as she's won the show and proved herself first among equals. But how can she ever critique the professional halves of the couples, and what must they think taking her feedback?

So 3 points for Alesha (I've marked her up for likeability.) But what of the contestants?

Well it's our first sight of the celebrities actually dancing so time to compare my first impressions to reality.

Rav Wilding & Aliona Vilani. What I said: "Someone from Crimewatch about whom I know absolutely nothing... I was mesmerised by his incredible dancing eyebrows. This man is going to have seriously brilliant dance faces. Please let him stay in long enough for the Tango." The reality: he dances a tango in week one! But it isn't very good and his eyebrows stay resolutely in place. Also, the training footage reveals a man who is seriously in love with himself, and I am very keen for him to leave. On the other hand, Aliona is quite charming, and I hope she lasts longer as a newcomer than the late, unlamented Hayley.

Ricky Groves & Erin Boag. What I said: "Erin can whip almost anybody into shape, mainly I'll be watching to see whether, as son-in-law to Dennis Waterman, they get him to dance to the theme from Minder." The reality: Erin's going to have her work cut out for her whipping Ricky's hunchback into shape. Rickys waltz was elegant but I can't see him lasting long against some of the more determined or talented here.

Chris Hollins & Ola Jordan. What I said: "I have no idea who he is but apparently he presents sport. That and Ola's boobs should get him a few votes from the dad contingent at least." The reality: The judges enthused about his tango but I found it timid and boring, even if it was in time unlike Rav's. He'll be needing those dad votes.

Martina Hingis & Matthew Cutler. What I said: "highest odds for being a shock early departure because she's considered by the audience to have an unfair natural advantage and an unfeminine desire to win." The reality: She came across as stiff and nervous, out of her comfort zone, but giving it a good go. I think she'll improve fast as she's got that athlete's determination, but while nice enough she's not naturally warm and I still wonder whether the audience will like her.

Lynda Bellingham & Darren Bennett. What I said: "Nostalgia alone should keep her in for a few episodes, surely, no matter what she does." The reality: Hmm. I don't think nostalgia's going to help much. Lynda didn't look like a chocolate box so much as an actual chocolate that's been left in the fridge and frozen stiff. Which suited the tango well enough, but I can't imagine what she'll do in the latin dances. Excellent dancing faces though, the best of the night, and I do like my dancing faces.

Jade Johnson & Ian Waite. What I said: "down-to-earth and rather lovely". The reality: down-to-earth and rather lovely. Some problems with lack of elegance in her waltz - she has giant limbs and huge hands - but I think she'll overcome them and be a real contender. She is also very likeable and incredibly beautiful which will do her no harm whatsoever.

Ali Bastian & Brian Fortuna. What I said: "Likeable. But also, maybe fatally, forgettable." The reality: best dance of the night, a lovely, graceful waltz. But I wonder if she'll suffer the fate of the talented girl, who is seen as too good and over-favoured by the judges from week one, and makes it to the final but doesn't win.

Joe Calzaghe & Kristina Rihanoff. What I said: "A boxer, apparently. Also known as "The Pride of Wales", which should get him into the final no problem." The reality: Even the entire might of Wales will not be enough to shoehorn this dreadful lump of wood into more than a couple of early rounds. KO!

Bonus round: the group mambo. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take Natalie Cassidy - double the size of the stick thin other girls - put her in a scarlet sequined leotard and make her shake her boobs at the very front is either a genius, a sadist or both. She was game, though, a good enough dancer and very funny in the rehearsal footage so I think she'll be in it for a good while yet. Ricky 2 stood out for being good, Richard (Lilia's lemon) for being dreadful, and Zoe Lucker will either be helped or hampered by the fact that physically she looks exactly like the pro dancers and so I kept being very confused every time she did something a bit rubbish.

Tune in later (or indeed tomorrow) for my verdict on part 2! Bloody hell, I'm already exhausted.