Strictlywatch 2009: Series Preview

It's back! It's back! Strictly is back! The terrible costumes, the terrible music, the tears, the Tess, the backstage squabbles, the frontstage squabbles, the flirtation, the camp, the octagenarian host! YESSSS!!! The contestants have been announced and it's only a few short weeks before the stiletto-heeled kick-off. So join me, if you will, for the 2009 Strictly preview, in which we cast our eye down this years hopefuls and ask "Who will win? Who will lose? And who the fuck are these people anyway?"

Pictures of contestants and video interviews are all to be found over here.

Ali Bastian & Brian Fortuna. Alien-headed Brian is partnering Ali, who played Becca Dean on Holyoaks for years before moving, as soap stars tend to, to The Bill. Those of you unfamiliar with Becca Dean (ie anybody over 20 who does not work from home) might not be as surprised as you should be that the pretty, if slightly wet, young woman I remember is the spitting image of Debbie Magee in her official Strictly photo. Likeable. But also, maybe fatally, forgettable.

Lynda Bellingham & Darren Bennett. Everybody loves Lynda because she was the Oxo mum, but I particularly love her because she was Mrs Herriot in All Creatures Great and Small, a TV series about which I will allow no negative word to be said. NO NEGATIVE WORD. And she was in Doctor Who. We may have an early contender for blog mascot. Nostalgia alone should keep her in for a few episodes, surely, no matter what she does.

Joe Calzaghe & Kristina Rihanoff. A boxer, apparently. Don't mock me for my ignorance. Also known as "The Pride of Wales", according to the website, which should get him into the final no problem, even if he wasn't dancing with mail-order bride Kristina Rihanoff who won over everyone's hearts last year by crying over John Sergeant-gate.

Natalie Cassidy & Vincent Simone. Aside from her stint in Eastenders, Natalie Cassidy is mainly known for her tabloid-chronicled yoyo weight, and thus is the most likely person to go on a Strictly Journey and be told endlessly by the judges that she "looks beautiful" which is code for overweight and uncomfortable (see also Laeticia Dean) and also possibly that the jive / samba / etc is a "difficult dance for a big girl".

Richard Dunwoody & Lilia Kopylova. He is a jockey. I can't help suspecting they have dealt Lilia ANOTHER lemon.

Ricky Groves & Erin Boag. I stopped watching Eastenders years ago, but apparently Garry is still on it, although appearing on Strictly does tend to hasten one's character's soap opera departure. Coffin at Christmas? Erin can whip almost anybody into shape, and Ricky's definitely got cockney charm, but mainly I'll be watching to see whether, as son-in-law to Dennis Waterman, they get him to dance to the theme from Minder.

Martina Hingis & Matthew Cutler. Bafflingly, no mention of cocaine on Martina Hingis's official Strictly Come Dancing biog. She is gorgeous, highly successful, probably extremely competitive and determined, and thus highest odds for being a shock early departure because she's considered by the audience to have an unfair natural advantage and an unfeminine desire to win.

Chris Hollins & Ola Jordan. I have no idea who he is but apparently he presents sport. That and Ola's boobs should get him a few votes from the dad contingent at least.

Jade Johnson & Ian Waite. As an Olympic long-jumper, Jade Johnson is going to be another competitive one, but she's British and down-to-earth and rather lovely and so Martina Hingis should pull the "unfair advantage" heat off her. She and Ricky Whittle are the black contestants, and therefore joint favourites to get the judges mentioning their "natural rhythm" the moment they step out for a latin dance, although one can always hope that after several series, the producers have finally had a word with the judges about that.

Craig Kelly & Flavia Cacace. Didn't have a clue who Craig Kelly was until I clicked through onto the BBC site, only to discover that he was the sweet, unsexy one from Queer as Folk. Automatic bonus points. And that he isn't unsexy any more. Double bonus points. Plus he is dancing with fabulous Flavia. Triple bonus points. Yes, I am very keen to see his moves on the dancefloor.

Zoe Lucker & James Jordan. Now this is clever. Take the girl that most of the female viewers are likely to hate (ex-Footballers Wives, blonde and attractive in an FHM, man-pleasing way) and pair her with the dancer everybody hates already. Poor Zoe.

Laila Rouass & Anton du Beke. Judging by the site, Laila is a young, beautiful actress who doesn't show any immediate signs of utter clumsiness or ineptitude. Can it be possible? Have they paired Anton with somebody who might actually be able to dance? Did he threaten to leave if they didn't?

Phil Tufnell & Katya Virshilas. Katya is a new girl and has no audience loyalty, and though I still hold fond memories of Phil Tufnell saying "sweet as a nut, sweet as a nut" in a strangely appealing fashion on his way to winning I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, I reckon this could be an early exit unless Phil has secret dancing shoes.

Ricky Whittle & Natalie Lowe. Another new girl, and who hell he? A Holyoaks Hunk, apparently. Worth watching the video of his interview just to see exactly how low he chooses to keep his shirt unbuttoned. This man is going to LOVE the costumes. And I will love him in them.

Rav Wilding & Aliona Vilani. Where have all the female Strictly dancers gone? *Another* new arrival. She is paired with someone from Crimewatch about whom I know absolutely nothing. So I watched the video and within two seconds was mesmerised by his incredible dancing eyebrows. This man is going to have seriously brilliant dance faces. Please let him stay in long enough for the Tango and the Paso Doble.

Jo Wood & Brendan Cole. Billed as "model and entrepreneur" but not "celebrity ex-wife", Jo Wood looks like Zoe Ball might if she had plastic surgery done with the specific intention of becoming a Dolly Parton impersonator, or possibly vice versa. The producers have pulled a mean trick pairing her with Brendan, because she comes across as sweet but not too bright, and Brendan will chew her up and spit her out within seconds.

My predictions, based just on looking at their pictures? Decent showings for Joe, Jade, Craig and Laila. I reserve the right to change my mind once I have seen them move...