Unofficially, I have a stack of them in my loo. Don't you? And I have to say my selection is strikingly good, so I thought I'd share them with you (not literally, I'd rather you didn't all come round to use the loo).
In no particular order:
Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives, by David Eagleman
Exactly as the subtitle tells you, this comprises forty very short stories about what might just happen to you after you die. So, for example, story one: "In the afterlife you relive all your experiences, but this time with the events reshuffled into a new group order: all the moments that share a quality are grouped together. You spend two months driving the street in front of your house, seven months having sex." And so on. It is a work or genius, irritating genius, given that the author is also a neuroscientist. You should not be able to be this good at two things. (Maybe he is a shit neuroscientist.) Loo rating compromised by the stories being a bit too long. This is really one for extended trips, when nobody is waiting outside for their turn.
100 Facts about Pandas, by David O'Doherty, Claudia O'Doherty & Mike Ahern
Panda facts include: "36: Since Louis XIV proclaimed panda meat to be 'juicier than lobster and tastier than peacock', it has become tradition for the departing French heads of state to be served panda as their final meal. President Jacques Chirac enraged animal protection groups when he held four rehearsal diners before his one official panda meal. Chirac dismissed the protests, saying his roux chef 'needed to get the sauce right'." Loo rating high: only a few seconds per entry, and pretty pictures too.
Dr. Johnson's Dictionary of Modern Life: Survey, Definition and Justify'd Lampoonery of Divers Contemporary Phenomena, from "Top Gear" Unto Twitter
By Book Swap alumnus Tom Morton! The title of the book is longer than most of the entries, which savvy tweeters will already be familiar with (follow @drsamueljohnson) but for the uninitiated: "ABBA: n. four Quaterns of Vikings most obvious in Rhyming Couplets; yet most mysterious as to who is the FIT ONE". Loo rating: bonus points for including longer themed disquisitions on topics including C is for Celebrity or E is for England, so that loo visitors may adapt length according to need.
Mistakes in the Background, by Laura Dockrill
Picked this one up at Book Swap. I always like to have some poetry in the loo; makes me feel sophisticated, and also means that I might read some poetry maybe. I don't really read poetry. I haven't read any of this. Sorry Laura. But I love the cover, and it has free stickers. Loo rating: unknown.
Would You Rather...: Over 200 Absolutely Absurd Dilemmas to Ponder, by Juston Heimberg & David Gomberg
Given to me by my sister in honour of our childhood game where she'd invent horrible 'would you rather' dilemmas for me. These are excellent, although rely slightly too heavily on American cultural references for the average British punter. Loo rating: quick to read, but you may be stuck in the bathroom for hours trying to decide on: "Would you rather: have a variety of dyslexia where anything you try to read becomes a page from 'Yes, I Can', the story of Sammy David Jr OR have a bizarre sleep disorder where you always wake up on a train to New Orleans?"
Venn That Tune: Bringing the Poetry of Maths to the Magic of Pop! by Andrew Viner
You're going to need a visual aid for this one:
Loo rating: high, but you might accidentally read the entire book in one sitting, as it were.
They Call Me Naughty Lola: The London Review of Books Personal Ads: A Reader, edited by David Rose
Not only my favourite loo book but one of my favourite books of any variety. A friend of mine once emerged from my bathroom after quite some time and announced: 'You have a loo trap in there.' She meant this book. "You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box no. 3321." (In the footnotes, the book helpfully gives a potted biography of Herve Villechaize, aka Nick Nack from The Man with the Golden Gun, for those unfamiliar with his work.) Loo rating: unbeatable.
The Frozen Thames, by Helen Humphreys
A gorgeous little book I picked up when touring Gods Behaving Badly in Canada, it comprises a series of short stories set on those occasions when the Thames froze over completely. Loo rating low: they're really too long to read on the loo, and I should move this book to somewhere it will be better appreciated. Like the bath.
Binky's Guide to Love: A Little Book of Hell by Matt Groening
Time for another visual aid:
Loo rating: excellent. Emerge not only physically relieved, but spiritually cleansed of all romantic bitterness.
And there we have it. An exceptional selection, I'm sure you'll agree. What books do you have in your loo?
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11 comments:
None whatsoever. The simple idea of reading while on the toilet revolts me. I am one of those people with a pragmatic, straight-to-the-point view of toilet facilities. Go when you need to, and be over and done with as quickly as possible. But seeing how many people read while on the toilet, I've surprised myself thinking that I wouldn't mind my book to be kept in a bathroom.
I'm with Steph - I don't like the idea of reading on the loo, it just seems so ... unsavory!
However I do own a copy of 'They Call Me Naughty Lola' and it is brilliant for reading on my 15 minute train journey to work.
Steph and Alicey must have very efficient bowels. (Treasure them while you can. No pun intended.)
The Resident Fan Boy is a practising Anglican (and fairly good at it). He has done his devotional reading on the loo ever since the late Madeleine L'Engle confessed to doing the same, pointing out that at least it was incarnational...
We also keep the most recent editions of Doctor Who Magazine in there. (Another form of devotional reading at our house.) And catalogues. For perusal. Not use. We do have toilet paper in Canada.
Not being Anglican, I'm currently reading Catcher in the Rye but am considering limiting that to bedtime reading because I find Holden Caulfield so damn tedious, which is not what I need in the bathroom. Not being blessed, like Steph and Alicey...
Cookery books. Seems appropriate somehow.
Mary-Jane
Yes, I keep books in the loo. If I didn't, I'd be reduced to reading the back of the bleach bottle, since reading is as fundamental a part of my life as, well, defecation.
'The Book of Comedy Sketches', edited by Frank Muir. Triffic stuff, from the music hall comedy of Harry Tate to the TV work of The Two Ronnies, and featuring work by John Cleese, Michael Palin, Marty Feldman, Barry Took, Jonathan Miller, Peter Cook and Ronnie Barker. What's not to like?
'False Teeth and a Smoking Mermaid' - a charming little book produced by Age Concern revealing celebrities' fond memories of their grandparents. Includes contributions from people as diverse as Ricky Gervais, Cherie Blair, Katie Price, Michael Caine and Prince Charles.
'Poem for a Day'. Does what it says on the tin. Just turn to today's date and learn a poem. Includes many of my favourite classic poems (I must go down to the sea again...).
'Paroles' by Jacques Prévert. French poetry. Showing off. Nuff said.
As a child, I would take proper books to the loo. Far too many instances of the door being tapped an hour later and sarcastic comments from parents have cured me of reading while pooping. These days, I get my best ideas on the loo instead.
Laura Dockrill is great, by the way. But a proper performance poet, not sure how she'd come across on paper.
Things made of paper, like books and artwork, just do not belong in bathrooms - the moisture is bad for them - especially if you take showers, so there are none in our bathroom.
Surely there is only one answer: doesn't everyone own a copy of Passing Time in the Loo?
(http://www.scarabbooks.com/us/product_info.php?products_id=34&cid=22&ldtab=2)
Except we don't keep ours in the loo - it's actually on our bedside table right now. Strangely Simon even took it with him last weekend when we went to Chicago. Not sure if he was anticipating spending a lot of time in the bathroom or a long flight. But it is ideal reading material when travelling with a small child who seeks attention every 30 seconds.
On a separate point - is everyone in the UK obsessed with hand sanitizer (I guess that would be sanitiser) or is it just an American thing? It's all I could think about when reading your post.
People who know me will be unsurprised to hear that I carry hand sanitiser with me wherever I go, but it's only since the swine flu scare that I haven't felt like a complete freak for doing so. I will be forever grateful to those sneezy pigs.
You guys do know, for all your squeamishness about what goes on in the bathroom while reading or not reading, that your keyboard has way way more germs than the average toilet?
WV: baectiom - Wow! It cleans keyboards and toilets!!!
A Brief History of Tim, by Kathy Clugston - 'The world minus one letter' - so for example tells you all you need to know about The Ancient Geeks or the Tat Modern.
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