I have just got back from the Barbican Centre's Bad Film Club, where every month comedians Nicko and Joe screen a lovingly-chosen execrable movie and then talk all the way over it. This month's movie was the Mariah Carey vanity project, Glitter, selected by special guest extra comedian Sarah Kendall.
It's impossible to convey the experience of watching a film as uniquely dreadful as Glitter in the company for three very funny people with microphones, but it made me laugh so much that first I cried, then I started hiccuping, then the hiccups got uncontrollable and I snotted all over my face. This in itself is remarkable, as usually the hiccups stage is followed by compulsive involuntary burping, and if I really can't stop laughing after that, I start to gag.*
I wouldn't advise anyone attempt watching Glitter except under controlled conditions, as it is a Mariah Carey movie, starring Mariah Carey and Mariah Carey's breasts and Mariah Carey's songs, and Mariah Carey is in almost every scene, and in these scenes Mariah Carey is almost exclusively filmed from the right, because Mariah Carey doesn't like the left side of her face. It also stars Max "bag a Spice Girl" Beesley as an allegedly hip, allegedly American DJ-producer called Dice, who gets Mariah Carey into bed by charming her with his xylophone playing. The most convincing actor in the entire movie is a cat. If you are still dithering, consider that the film is set in the eighties. There. I have done all I can.
It is a huge disappointment to me, if not to the event organisers, that I won't be able to come along to next month's screening of the Arnie classic Commando, because that night I am doing a reading at Hornsey Library. I know that you had all already planned to come to Hornsey Library to see me read, but given that there is limited space, I won't mind if some of you decide to go and see Commando instead. Just remember to bring a tissue.
*At times like this I feel I should remind you that I am an international bestselling author.
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7 comments:
I'm very sorry about the snot :-)
Nicko x
It wasn't the snot so much as the loss of dignity.
Thanks Marie - you have just made me spray tuna pasta all over the shop...
Not a date movie then?
you just remember...what goes on in the BFC, stays in the BFC :-)
Nicko x
May I recommend the latest Paris Hilton film, "the hottie and the nottie". It's a Pygmalion-inspired story of...oh, you can probably guess. It's the new Glitter. But even worse.
Occasionally I see something so funny that I laugh so hard I literally feel lightheaded, like I'm going to faint from lack of oxygen. South Park used to do that to me occasionally, but it hasn't in years. I will say that the first three pages of your book made me laugh out loud in the lunchroom at work, though.
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